I blame BreeZombiee for this fic. She planted the seed in her review for my other fic "The Good Boyfriend", and I was forced to put this down on paper (figuratively) before it took over my life.

Also, this fic is so long it should be called Puck's Dick! ...I'm a funnier writer than this, I swear.

Kurt lay back on his bed as Puck slinked towards him, coming closer and closer. He closed his eyes as he felt the mohawked boy's fingers slide underneath his shirt, relishing the warmth of Puck's fingers as they encircled his erect nipple. Kurt gasped as he felt Puck's lips on his stomach. He shut his eyes, trying with all his might not to lose control and ruin his underwear before Puck even started work on his dick.


Puck decided he would seduce Kurt Hummel earlier that day while sitting in glee club. His eyes were focused on Santana, thinking of all the dirty things he would do with her later when he realized: he'd done all those things with her before. There was nothing remotely exciting about having sex with her anymore. Scratch that. There was nothing exciting about having sex with girls anymore.

Santana, Quinn, all the MILFs he banged while pool cleaning; they were all the same. Bitchy, whiny, emotional. And that was before you even got them in bed. Once in the sack there was all that fumbling with the bra, and the long hair that they always seemed to whip in your face, and the boobs that just kept bouncing everywhere now matter how hard you tried to press them down. And the moaning! Puck liked to hear thanks for his sexual prowess as much as the next guy, but the way some of these girls went on and on about how big he was and how wet they were getting…he had to flip them over and shove their faces in pillows sometimes just so he'd be able to cum without hearing their incessant yelling.

These thoughts permeated his mind as he tore his eyes from Santana and scanned the room for fresh meat. He'd had Quinn before, so that was a no. Brittany was hot, but as cute as she was there was no way he was going to risk invoking the wrath of Santana by sleeping with her sometime-girlfriend. He'd already tapped Lauren Z., and Mercedes had already made painfully clear that she was not interested in him. And he'd tried hitting on Tina before but she threatened to put an Asian curse on him if he didn't leave her alone.

Rubbing his crotch in frustration he decided maybe it wasn't the girl that was the problem. Maybe it was girls in general. He needed more than fresh just meat; he needed a completely different protein.

Puck looked at the guys of the glee club and quickly decided that they were not the kind of protein he wanted. Finn, Artie, Mike: they were all too close of friends to be considered sexually. Sure there was Sam, with his big lips and long lesbianic hair, but even he was too masculine for Puck's taste. It was at that exact moment, when Puck had given up on experimenting with guys before he'd even begun, when Kurt Hummel walked right in front of his view, his ass jutting right up into Puck's line of sight.

Kurt passed in front of Puck and his leg brushed against his knee as he walked up the steps and took a seat on the second row next to Mercedes. He was out of breath from being late and adjusted his messenger bag strap before crossing his legs and sitting down. Puck licked his lips as he drank in the brunette boy's body. His long, lithe legs seemed perfectly made to wrap around Puck's waist; his chest was made to be touched; his ears were meant to be nibbled on; and his neck was just meant to kissed. Puck was a little startled at how easily he found another guy attractive, but then again it was Kurt. He was the least guy-like guy Puck knew. That eased his somewhat dubious morals as he continued to perv on Kurt from across the room.

"Dude, can you stop looking at my brother's crotch. It's starting to freak me out," Finn said, leaning over from his seat towards Puck's, blocking the mohawked boy's view of Kurt.

"Easy there, Paul Bunyan, I'm not checking out your bro." It really wasn't fair to lie to Finn; the taller boy believed everything anyone said to him. Lying to Finn was like watering a cactus: useless. "Hey, you mind if I stay over tonight? My ma and sister are out of town at some Jewish retreat and ever since she caught me trying to give myself a tattoo I'm not allowed to stay home alone. Do you think your mom will mind?"

"You know my mom loves you," Finn said. He then furrowed his brow as he so often did when he thought of something for an extended amount of time. "But…are you sure you're not just going to be there to hit on Kurt?"

"Dude, your brother's handsome and all, but he's not exactly what I look for when I want a roll in the hay." Seeing Finn's confused expression, Puck clarified, "He's a guy. He's not my type."

"But you don't have a type," Finn said. "When we were little you would hump my stuffed animals. I still can't pass a Toys R Us without feeling uncomfortable."

Rolling his eyes, Puck swore he'd leave Kurt alone. "You have my word, bro. I won't try anything with Kurt." Finn smiled and accepted Puck's promise, unaware that the mohawked boy had his fingers crossed behind his back the entire time.

After glee practice ended Kurt, Mercedes, and Rachel headed to the mall while Puck and Finn went straight to the Hudson-Hummel household where they engaged in a non-stop Call of Duty marathon. Puck tried to keep his mind on the game but every time a car drove down the street he waited to hear the high-pitched voice of Kurt announcing himself as he entered the house. Each time he waited in vain. His anxiety took its toll on him and he ended up losing, which wouldn't have been so bad if Finn wasn't such a gloater.

When Carole announced dinner Finn nearly ran over Puck and raced downstairs, hungry after not eating for nearly an hour. Descending the stairs he found Kurt was already at the table having an animated discussion with Carole about her bangs. This cheered Puck up considerably. He sauntered over to the table, casually sliding into his seat, raising his eyebrow and grinning at Kurt, asking how his trip to the mall was. Puck was often at the Hummel-Hudson house, so it was unsurprising for Kurt to find him joining them for dinner. Usually Puck ignored Kurt, and vice-versa, but now Puck's obvious flirtation with Kurt caused the smaller boy to look at him with suspicion. Meanwhile Burt eyed Puck murderously. He never fully trusted the boy, and the fact that he suddenly found his son so enchanting caused the older Hummel to nearly break his drinking glass in rage. Finn was too busy stuffing his face with lasagna to notice anything out of the ordinary.

Later that night Finn snored soundly on the bed while Puck lay on the floor, willing himself to stay awake. When he was sure his friend was asleep he got up and crept soundly downstairs to Kurt's room. He was a little surprised to find Burt awake near the entrance to Kurt's room brandishing a large shotgun, but upon closer inspection he found the old man to be asleep, his head thrown back and his mouth open, snoring rather loudly. Puck snuck past him and descended the stairs to Kurt's room.

Kurt was still awake. He was somewhat of a night owl, spending the late hours listening to his many vinyl records. He was lying on his bed, his large headphones booming music into his ears, flipping through the latest issue of Vogue, unaware of the taller boy approaching him. He was lowly humming and singing along to the beat when Puck jumped on to his bed like a kid at a mattress store. Kurt let out a loud scream and would have woken up the house (and Burt; murderous, murderous Burt) if Puck hadn't clamped his hand over his mouth. Kurt angrily pushed him away.

"What are you doing down here?" he asked. "And why does your hand smell like gummy worms?"

"I was just wondering what you're up to. And I got hungry and found candy under Finn's bed," Puck said, taking a whiff of his palm. "It's not bad is it?" He pushed his hand into Kurt's face again, forcing the smaller boy to smell his palm.

Kurt slapped his hand away. "It's a little late for me to deal with your annoyances, Noah. What do you want?"

"Would you believe I'm here to talk about the Lord?" Puck asked, inching towards Kurt and curling his lip in that adorable way he was accustomed to when he was flirting with someone.

"You know I'm an atheist," Kurt said, moving away from Puck and unaffected by his puppy dog face. "Now would you kindly get out of my bed before my father skins you alive and mounts your head in our den?"

"Your old man's asleep," Puck said. "I just wanted to check up on you, see how you are. You've been kind of distant since you came back from Dalton." He reached out to caress Kurt's face, something he'd wanted to do since he'd seen the boy at dinner.

Once again he slapped Puck's hand away. "I've always been distant to you, Noah. You tend to get that way when you're used to someone throwing you in dumpsters half your educational life."

"I stopped throwing you in dumpsters a long time ago." Once again he leaned towards Kurt, trapping the boy against the wall his bed leaned on. "What do you say you give me a chance to say I'm sorry?" Puck asked breathily, bringing his face closer and closer to Kurt's.

Kurt firmly planted his hand on Puck's face, nearly pushing the boy off his bed. "What are you doing? Are you coming on to me?" Kurt asked confused.

"Maybe," Puck said, not meeting Kurt's gaze.

"Did I miss the memo? Because last I heard you check the box marked 'hetero' on all government forms," Kurt said.

"I'm too badass for labels," Puck said. "I do what feels good."

"How romantic," Kurt deadpanned. "And let me guess. I'm the lucky guy who you chose to make you 'feel good'?"

"You guessed it, Princess." Puck puckered his lips, sending an air kiss to Kurt. Kurt had to stop himself from throwing up.

"Get out of my room, Puckerman, before you find more than your head mounted in our den," Kurt threatened.

"You're kind of sexy when you try to be tough." Puck rubbed Kurt's leg, trying his best to keep from rubbing Kurt's crotch.

Kurt made to get up off his bed before Puck grabbed him and spun him around, pinning him to the bed. Puck put all his weight on Kurt, enjoying the squirming of the smaller boy beneath him. In fact the squirming only served to make him harder.

Kurt arched his eyebrow while still trapped beneath Puck. "Noah, that had better be a flashlight in your pants."

"Nope," Puck smirked. "Looks like the Puckzilla likes you." He rolled his hips again, forcing the feel of his erection onto Kurt's thigh.

"Puckzilla?" Kurt laughed. "Feels more like a little baby Puckerling."

"Are you doubting the awesomeness of the Puckster?"

"Can you just get off me?" Kurt whined.

"I don't know. You hurt Puckzilla's feelings." Puck began to lazily hump Kurt, enjoying the pained look of excitement across Kurt's face as he fought the good feelings in his pants. "I think you should apologize."

"Okay, I'm sorry," Kurt forced.

"Not to me. Puckzilla." Puck motioned down to the tent currently pitched in his pants.

"What?" Kurt's eyes widened in shock.

Puck got off Kurt and off the bed, shucking his pants off in one very quick motion. Kurt looked at him in surprise. "What? It's not like this is the first time I've taken off my pants in front of some hot piece of ass before." It should have pissed Kurt off, but hearing someone call him hot made Kurt blush a little.

Sauntering towards the bed, where Kurt was still laying down, Puck grasped his underwear covered manhood and waved it at Kurt. "Now, say you're sorry," Puck ordered.

Kurt stared at the lengthy bulge before him. He rolled his eyes before saying, "I'm sorry."

"Puckzilla," Puck clarified.

Kurt tilted his head and added, "I'm sorry, Puckzilla."

"Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" Puck asked, caressing Kurt's hair. Kurt shouldn't have but he enjoyed the feel of Puck's calloused hand on his head, especially when it scratched his scalp. "Now kiss it."

"What?" Kurt nearly screamed. Puck jumped on top of Kurt, rolling the boy over so he was laying on his back. Puck stayed on his knees, both legs on either side of Kurt's head, his dick right above Kurt's mouth.

"You have to kiss it, Princess, if you want it to leave you alone," Puck teased. He wiggled his hips, causing his bulge to wave up and down.

Kurt reluctantly leaned up to kiss 'Puckzilla' (cue eye-roll) but nearly lost his balance and grasped Puck's dick in an attempt for support. Puck gasped as Kurt lost his grip and pulled Puck's underwear down, his long thick dick plopping out of its bondage. Kurt was left staring at Puck's big member wavering before him.

He didn't know why but he leaned forward and licked the tip. Puck's knees quivered. He'd had a lot of blowjobs before, but that one lick from Kurt made him feel like this was the first time his dick got any attention. Kurt continued licking Puck's cock, reaching out to touch it once he'd realized Puck was enjoying his ministrations. Eventually though Puck grew tired of Kurt's continued licking, wanting to actually feel the warm insides of Kurt's mouth wrapped around his appendage.

He pushed forward, trying desperately to push his cock inside Kurt's mouth. Kurt was having none of it, however. He put his hand on Puck's stomach and pushed him back. "Noah, there is no way I can take all of that," Kurt said.

"You don't have to take all of it, Princess. How about just the tip?" Puck pressed his dick against Kurt's cheek, leaving a trail of pre-cum.

"No, Noah," Kurt said defiantly.

"Come on! I thought all gay guys were born with, like, a cock sucking gene or something," Puck whined.

"As surprising as this is, I've never given a…blow job…before," Kurt said, having difficulty saying the word aloud.

"Seriously?" Puck asked unsurely.

"Yes, Noah, not all of us are as sexually experienced as you," Kurt said, still trapped between Puck's legs.

Puck got up and removed his underwear, now fully nude while Kurt was still fully clothed. He got back into bed and settled himself between Kurt's outstretched legs, rubbing the quickly growing lump in Kurt's pants.

"What are you doing?" Kurt asked, suddenly finding it harder to breathe.

Puck shrugged. "Everyone's gotta suck a dick sometime. Might as well suck yours," he said nonchalantly.

"You don't…you don't have to do that," Kurt said through deep breaths, his stomach rising and falling dramtically.

"I know," Puck said casually. He kissed the hard rod in Kurt's pants, enjoying the supple smoothness of Kurt's stomach as he reached underneath his shirt and let his fingers encircle Kurt's erect nipple. He gasped as he felt Puck's lips on his stomach. He shut his eyes, trying with all his might not to lose control and ruin his underwear before Puck even started work on his dick.

Puck tongued Kurt's belly button, earning a small moan from the boy. He couldn't help but smirk at that, but he grinned uncontrollably at the whimpers he got when he thrust his hands down Kurt's pants, firmly grasping his cock.

Kurt had to chuckle at the surrealness of the situation: this morning he'd been a virgin and Noah Puckerman, while no longer his archenemy, was far from being a potential fuck buddy. Yet here he was, completely nude and nuzzling Kurt's bulge, one hand gripping Kurt's dick while the other unbuttoned and unzipped his pants.

He didn't care what brought about the change in Puck's demeanor (and, apparently, sexuality); all he knew was that Puck had just released his dick from the confines of his pants and was now softly kissing it's thick, pale shaft. Kurt leaned back into his pillow, relishing the feel of Puck's tongue as it traced the soft spongy head of his cock. He closed his eyes, settling into the soft rhythms of Puck's licking, but he nearly jumped out of his skin when Puck swallowed his dick whole.

Puck's eyes must have been bigger than his stomach because he nearly gagged on Kurt's cock. Coughing, his eyes watering, he pulled off Kurt, wiping his mouth on the back of his arm.

"Too much for you Puckerman?" Kurt smirked.

"You wish, Princess." Puck smiled mischievously and pulled Kurt's pants off, gaining full uninterrupted access to Kurt's dick. He leaned back down and jiggled Kurt's balls, sending the brunette into fits of laughter, nearly kicking Puck off the bed. "Settle down, Hummel, before I bite your nuts off," Puck said, snickering.

"Blow me, Puckerman," Kurt dared. He bit his lip in lust as Puck took him up on the challenge. He eased his mouth down onto Kurt's dick, taking it slow so he didn't gag again. He smiled despite his mouthful of cock when he realized Kurt was watching him intently. Puck hummed, sending chills up Kurt's spine. Kurt ran his hands through Puck's mohawk appreciatively, scratching lightly at the top of his dome.

Initially Kurt thought he would blow his wad immediately but surprised himself when he held off far longer than he thought. Nearly three minutes passed between Puck's second go on his dick and the unmistakable tightening in his balls. Kurt tried to control his breathing, tried to get a grip on the feeling surging through his body. He reigned it in and could have lasted another minute if Puck hadn't slipped his middle finger in the cleft of Kurt's ass, sliding it up and down the smooth crack. Kurt immediately tensed. He tried pushing Puck away from him, off his dick and away from his ass to stop the new and exciting feelings centered around his crotch. He tried in vain.

Puck latched on to Kurt's dick like it was a lifeline; his mouth desperately sucking, his tongue tracing every ridge and vein, his teeth putting soft pressure on the underside. When he felt Kurt tense up he realized he wanted nothing more than to see the sexy boy beneath him experience his first non-masturbatory orgasm.

Puck bobbed up and down excitedly, massaging Kurt's dick with his tongue, pressing his finger into the crack of Kurt's ass. Kurt couldn't take it anymore. He gasped uncontrollably, his stomach clenching, leaning forward and pulling Puck closer to his crotch, his nuts releasing their virgin liquid straight into Puck's mouth. Puck gulped and swallowed each generous helping.

Kurt released Puck's head and flopped back onto his bed, burying his head onto his pillow. Puck licked his lips and wiped them on the back of his hand.

"So," Puck began, rubbing Kurt's bare thighs, "was I any good?"

"You were great, Noah," Kurt said, rubbing Puck's head.

"Alright! My turn!" Puck happily straddled Kurt's chest, letting his large dick wave in the air as he let his bare ass rest above Kurt's dick.

"I suppose I do owe you one," Kurt said, feeling Puck's dick get harder as he grasped it in his hand. Puck bucked excitedly on Kurt's chest, his ass continuing to grind on his body.

"You're the best, Princess," Puck said as Kurt descended on his dick, intent on doing more than just licking. He softly caressed Kurt's hair, rubbing his shoulders as he went. "Oh man, you are so the best."

Yup, Puck had found the right kind of protein.

Thanks for reading! REVIEWS would be nice, especially if you enjoyed it as much as Kurt did!