A/N and disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognize. This is a counterpart piece to Virtuella's guide to the Bachelors of the Disc, and with her permission I am doing one for men.
The Foremost Gentleman's guide to the Discworld's Bachelorettes
Century of the Anchovy edition, 2011 AM
The Disc is a world of adventure, where the quick witted thrive and the slow witted...don't. It is a world of endless of opportunity*. It is also a world of potential romance, and for any discerning gentleman bachelor visiting the Disc, this guide by Nimbus publications is a must have.
Name: Susan Sto Helit
Pros: A Duchess, and therefore very well connected. Also very good with bladed weapons, practically immortal. Excellent career prospects in the education sector. She also looks very good in a slim fitting black dress. As a teacher and owning a sizeable inheritance, it is likely that the future Mr Sto Helit would have no difficulties in finding a home.
Cons: Knows where you are at all times (either a good or a bad thing). Does her very best to stay normal, yet trouble follows her around. Interfering family members can be a problem, as can temporally displaced boyfriends. Spiky temperament. Disconcerting stare and mind control abilities, which could bode ill for the secretive types, as well as an... Interesting hairdo. Practically immortal.
Suggested Hogswatch present: Either something normal, like a piece of jewellery (Simple but beautiful) or a mousetrap for anthropomorphic personifications.
Name: Angua von Uberwald
Pros: Beautiful, clever and has good career prospects for the future in the Watch. Heir to the Barony Von Uberwald. Good with dogs. Always up for a walk.
Cons: A werewolf, so sleeps in a dog basket 1 week out of 4. PLT + PMT = nasty consequences. Has serious commitment issues. She also has a boyfriend who is very large, very strong and also has a knack for giving orders.
Suggested Hogswatch present: Doggy basket.
Summary: The sex would out of this world, and many other ones, so well worth the trouble of a boyfriend who may need to be detached from her side by either a crowbar or an interesting piece of architecture.
Status: Carrot's. If you can find a way to get rid of Carrot and not have your throat ripped out by Angua, bon chance.
Name: Salacia Deloresista Amanita Trigestrata Zeldana Malifee...Von Humpeding
Pros: Unattached, female teetotaller vampire (good for those who are kinky and value an excellent figure in a woman), very much a night time person but is alright in the day with sufficient clothing. Likely quite rich and part of the nobility. Plays the Cello.
Cons: Vampire. Can sense heartbeats. Think about that for a second. It is unspecified what her transference material was, so ever present risk of a relapse.
Suggested Hogswatch present: A cipher booklet.
Summary: As with Angua, the sex would likely be excellent, particularly for a man with a bit of kink in his life. The heartbeat thing is a problem however.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Name: Nanny Ogg
Pros: Very open about sex. Lots of alcohol and very into cooking.
Cons: Very open about sex. Greebo. Granny Weatherwax, who would likely glare at Nanny Ogg's 4th official husband incessantly and the fact she now looks very little like the Mona Ogg.
Suggested Hogswatch present: Let's not go there. Something to do with sex.
Summary: For the older Gentleman with a comfortable outlook who has a broad mind, Nanny Ogg is perfect.
Status: Unless you aren't really interested in sex, not Recommended.
Name: Granny Weatherwax.
Summary: Just don't even bother trying.
Status: About as non recommended as it is possible to be.
*Nimbus Publications would like to specify that these may not be very nice opportunities, i.e. the opportunity to try out the latest in concrete overshoes, lovingly designed by a, um, important citizen in the Troll community.
A/N: This is just the first instalment. Suggestions are very welcome.