Best to Keep One's Mouth Shut

An NCIS oneshot

by mew-tsubaki

Note: -.- Another McGony idea…one-sided slash…? Even I'm wondering if it's really one-sided… *Only spoilers for the episode "The Inside Man" (in season 7), and not many for it, at that, so no worries.* So read, review, and enjoy! :] Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS, Donald P. Bellisario does.


"And I don't wanna hear a peep outta the two of you," the cop said as he closed the jail cell and walked down the hallway.

Tony groaned. "Hell… With your luck, McGoner, they'll keep us overnight and do things to us that—"—he shuddered—"—would make a grown man like me cry." Tony winced.

"Wait a—my luck?" McGee looked at his partner with incredulity. "I didn't get the dogs' attention! It was probably your yakking that the damned things heard!"

"You're sure it was me, and not your minor yapping, or whimpering that we might get caught?" Tony retorted. He glared at McGee. "If you'd just moved faster and hadn't delayed us with your complaining, then we might not have ended up here, McGrumpy."

McGee rolled his eyes. "Tony, just stop it. Calling me nicknames isn't going to help us out of this."

"Yes, but it does help to alleviate my annoyance with you."

"Please do us both a favor and shut up."

"Both of you, shut up!" the officer said upon his return. "I can hear you two all the way in the other room and we don't even have anyone else in the slammer right now!" He clacked his police baton against the bars to their cell, a noise that made them both flinch. "Now I placed a call to your little 'NCIS,' whatever that is—"

"Naval Criminal Investigative Service," Tony quipped.

The cop narrowed his eyes at Tony. "I've placed a call and I'm waiting to hear back." He smiled, but it reminded both of the agents of a jackal's smile or worse—Fornell's. The cop cleared his throat. "Now shut your traps or I'm going to turn a deaf ear to the next telephone ring I hear." Without another word, he stomped off, and the jail did grow quiet.

"Think he meant that?" Tony whispered to McGee after a couple of silent minutes had passed.

McGee sighed, knowing he'd never get Tony to shut up. "I dunno, Tony…" He sighed again. "Everything will be all right, though. Gibbs'll notice something's up, and Director Vance should be able to call us out of here in a bit."

"But how long's a 'bit'?"

"Er, soon."

"And soon is—?"

McGee threw his head back, wanting to scream. "Tony!" he hissed. "Just sit and wait like a patient agent." He raised his eyebrows. "Got it?"

Tony gave him an unsatisfied look. "Sheesh, McGibbs, when did you turn into a C.O.?"

The computer geek pinched the bridge of his nose, while his cheeks flushed with color. Unfortunately, he did have an idea to get them out sooner, but there was a big chance it wouldn't work and McGee wasn't even sure he wanted to voice his thoughts…

The Italian scuffed his shoes on the floor, watching his coworker. "I can sense the itty, bitty, geeky gears are whirring in that egg-shaped head of yours, MacGyver. What's got you thinking?"

McGee pursed his lips. "There's…this one idea…"

Tony's face lit up and he laughed. "You can get us out of here sooner? That's great, Timmy!" He clapped McGee on the shoulder. "So, pray tell, what is that inner muse of yours telling you to do?"

"You know what? Forget I even mentioned it," McGee said, getting up and walking across to the opposite side of the cell. "It's a stupid idea anyway."

"You don't know how stupid it is 'til you've told someone else."

"We could try making out to gross the officer out enough to release us," McGee blurted.

"Okay. Never mind. That is a little fifth-grader for our college grad." Tony twisted his mouth around as though he'd been sucking on a lemon. "…where the hell you'd get that idea?"

McGee rubbed his tired face with his hands before answering. "On the way in—I noticed a family photo on his desk. Looked like a wedding. Someone was crossed out, a someone who seemed to be a little touchy-feely with the groom."

Tony gave McGee a look. "I take it the groom already had a bride?"

"From what I glimpsed, yeah."

"Good work, noticing details like that. So this jack-hole being a homophobe could work in our favor…" Tony eyed McGee. "You've become a good investigator, McGee. Nice."

McGee scoffed. "Shyeah, I'd take it as a compliment if you didn't sound so condescending."

"Hey, I can be complimentary when the occasion calls for it." He grew quiet as McGee merely stared out the jail bars. Tony cleared his throat. "…you really think it could work?"

"Could," McGee said. "Not completely sure about it, but it could." He raised an eyebrow. "After all, you're the closest thing the team has to an actor, Tony. Haven't you seen some movie like this?"

Tony smirked. "I don't know what midnight movies you've been watching, McBendy, but I can't say such things have really crossed my mind."

"'Really' crossed your mind?" McGee unfolded his arms in front of his chest. "Does that mean such things have wandered into that dirty mind of yours?"

Normally Tony had a fairly pink complexion, but now he looked positively beet red. "You know what, Timmy? Forget it. I think a night in jail adds character to a man." He stretched and laid back on the only bench in the cell, his arms behind his head. "As someone smart told me, I should wait like a patient agent."

"Oh, no," McGee said, trying to quell the laughter in his voice. He walked back to the bench and stood over Tony. "No, no, no. You can't just leave a conversation hanging like that. Tony, have you ever—"

"If I kiss you, will you shut up?"

McGee grinned. "You do like your snug turtlenecks and designer clothes, don't you?"

"I don't swing your way," Tony asserted.

"Sure. Hey, it's healthy to keep your options open, Tony. No one's—"

The angry glint in Tony's eye was the only warning McGee had before the Senior Field Agent grabbed the front of his T-shirt in his fist and yanked him down for something a lot stronger than an innocent little smooch. Needless to say, McGee was caught by surprise, surprise that only deepened when the "chaste" kiss deepened. By now Tony had sat up and he had his other hand on the back of McGee's neck.

McGee had thought of it. McGee had been wanting it a long time coming. Now McGee had it and wouldn't be free of it until Tony allowed.

Somewhere along the line, a sound erupted from the back of McGee's throat, egging Tony on just a wee bit more. McGee let himself be drawn even closer…closer…closer to Tony…

A clatter sounded down the hallway and the two could hear footsteps nearing. "Hold on, he's—" McGee said, breaking to catch his breath and warn Tony.

Tony grinned. "You said I'm the closest thing we've got to an actor, McGumdrops. I'm in character. Let him see his worst nightmare." Then Tony yanked on his shirt again to resume the lip-lock.

Outside the cell, the cop dropped his baton on the floor, and it hit the ground with a limp thud. "What the hell? You two! Get off each other!" The cop fumbled for the keys right as Tony slid his hand up McGee's shirt. "I said, get!"

Just like that, the agents snapped apart and the cop entered, waving his arms. "Yes, officer?" Tony asked.

"Get the hell outta my jail!"

"What about NCIS?" McGee asked.

"Go pick your goddamn badges and weapons off my desk—just get the hell outta here!"

McGee nodded his thanks and Tony followed behind him as they reclaimed their things and left the jail. The car ride back to the navy yard was short but felt incredibly long to both of them, for they didn't speak about what had just happened.

In the elevator, the ride down to Abby felt drawn out, as well. "No," Tony said, finally breaking their silence.

McGee looked at him. "No, what?"

"No, that's never happening again."

"Mmm," McGee mumbled, halfheartedly nodding. Even if it had fulfilled another purpose, he was happy to finally know what kissing Tony was like. That was all right…it was enough for him.

"Though I'll let you know—you were my first."

McGee furrowed his brow.

"Guy, McSlowpoke. First guy, guy kiss, you get it," Tony elaborated, waving his hands futilely.

The techie tried to hide his smile. "Yeah, haha, me, too, Tony." After all, he hadn't thought about guys before—just Tony.

Another silent moment passed. "By the way, you're one hell of a kisser, McTasty," Tony added.


Then the elevator doors opened and they entered Abby's lab to join Abby and Gibbs. The conversation was over…

…but really, it was likelier to be far from over.


XDDDD *ROFL!* This was such a funny idea I had… And it went from being a drabble to a ficlet to a small oneshot… B) I love it when the plot bunnies attack. *happy sigh*

But yeah, this begs the question—was it one-sided Tim liking Tony? Or did it approach mutual at the end…? ;]

Oh, and McGee is SOOO McTasty. 'Nuff said. So thanks for reading! Please review!

-mew-tsubaki :3