Erections and Other Dysfunctions
Author: Tatau (kaffeewespe_)
Fandom: Due South
Disclaimer: Due South is the property of Alliance Atlantis. Written for fun not for profit
Life sucked. Big time. That wasn't exactly new to Ray but at this particular juncture it beared repeating. Sometimes this almost getting killed was enough to drive Ray batshit. Why couldn't they have a simple, nice Saturday evening like everyone else?
Really, Ray had heard that other people spent their weekend completely unexciting with a nice dinner and some junk on TV. Why the fuck couldn't he?
Because other people weren't partnered with Fraser, that's why. They had a nice dinner, Ray had to admit that and the walk back towards Ray's apartment had been a nice one, too. Had they not taken the shortcut and passed this alley where this old lady was getting mugged it might even have resulted in an uneventful evening in front of the telly.
Ray got a beer out of the fridge and limped back to his couch, sitting down with a wince.
And of course it was their duty to catch the bad guy and all that jazz but Fraser had to do one better, jumped right into the alley with his "If you please surrender to my partner and myself, thank you kindly" and all this bright red and otherwise they might have, just might have, had an advantage.
This way the guy trained his gun at Fraser and fired and Fraser dived behind the nearest dumpster and Ray flung himself against the wall and then they were running and Fraser accelerated like he did marathon running for a past-time and hey, what did Ray know – maybe he did, and the perp knocked over all the trash cans and shit he could find and, damn it, it was dark and Ray didn't have his glasses and he wasn't a class-A hurdle jumper so, naturally, he had to trip and crash into all the mess while Fraser jumped right over it and tackled the guy to the ground.
By the time Ray had extricated himself from the floor and figured out that he had managed to sprain his ankle Fraser was already Mirandarizing the guy.
So instead of chilling out at his apartment Ray had to get the perp back to the station for booking while his ankle swelled and throbbed and then they had all the paperwork to finish so by the time they called it a day it was really rather close to night - which found Ray in a rather sour mood finally at peace in his apartment at twenty past twelve.
Great. Just an abso-fucking-lutely great way to end this Saturday. Fraser had of course been all apologies and had tried to help in a really annoying way and Ray had not wanted any pregnant moose stuff or anything remotely disgusting on his foot so he had declined, thank you kindly, and driven back to his place. Good thing he didn't need the brake too much the way he was driving.
He took a swig of his beer and sighed. Fraser didn't do it on purpose, he got that. And compared to some of the other stunts he had pulled this had been relatively tame, he knew that, too. Fraser was… he rooted around his brain to find a suitable word… intense, was the best he could come up with.
The guy grew on you and Ray had to admit that it had kinda snuck up on him just how much he liked him. Fraser was like the bestest of the best buddies a hopeless case like Ray could possibly find. Still, he drove him nuts sometimes. His foot still hurt like a bitch and the ice he had put on it hadn't helped much, probably too late to do any good.
Ray just thought that he deserved a bit feel good time for his ruined Saturday and for putting up with Fraser's shit all the time and laying a hand on yourself might not sound like the biggest reward for a long day but hey, Ray wasn't complaining, he got rid of high expectations awhile ago. He sprawled a little more on the couch, spread his legs wide and opened his fly in one smooth movement. He cupped himself through his shorts. Huh, that didn't exactly get much of a reaction. Oh well, sometimes a guy needed a bit more effort, right?
What about super hot fantasy #53, the one with the red-headed nurse who had some really unconventional methods to get Ray back to health? He grinned slyly, he liked that one. He stroked a bit more firmly, picturing the nurse really clearly in his head. Still, nothing. He frowned. That had never happened before. #53 was a sure fire hit in the groin department. Except it… wasn't.
Ray sighed. He shortly considered watching some porn but… hey, no sweat. He was dead tired and he had an exhausting day and that could really happen to any guy. He just wasn't in the zone. Ray shrugged. Nothing to be concerned about.
Ray didn't try again for a few days, though. He wasn't scared or anything, but, you know, no reason to force the issue. But this day, god, this day took the prize money for getting as close to perfect as it ever got.
There had been a robbery at a jewelry store by two armed and masked men, and as always no one had seen anything but Fraser found a thread of fabric imbedded in one of the shredded glass cases which he licked – no surprise there – to discover that it contained stuff usually found in greasepaint.
An occurrence that confused Ray for a second there but once he checked the files of the employees he discovered that the daughter of the store owner was going out with a technician from the Chicago Theater – with whom she had incidentally just broken up roughly 24 hours ago. Even more interesting was that the only things stolen were wedding bands. Jeez, some guys never learned, huh?
So they tracked him down and, of course, the master thief hadn't thought so far as to provide an alibi for the time of the robbery which led to Ray's favorite past-time: interviewing a suspect. The numskull was no match for Ray's posture and broke down 3 minutes and 23 seconds into the interrogation – 7 seconds earlier and Ray would have broken his own record.
Yes, it was a beautiful day and all was right in the world. Fraser customarily congratulated him for his good work and Ray was pretty damn sure that the day couldn't get any better.
But Fraser did the paper work for him 'cause "Ray, it is really much more efficient this way" and maybe the gods loved him because they even had a completely uneventful dinner at that small Thai restaurant on Michigan Avenue, an equally unexciting drive to Ray's apartment where they found something to watch that wasn't curling. Ray was in heaven.
Those were the best times with Fraser, the ones were he didn't have to worry about their heads being blown off and they clicked liked magic, worked like a well oiled machine and it was brilliant. It just didn't get any better than this. And Fraser had this smile that lighted up his eyes just so and even the wolf wasn't complaining; in short it was greatness of the highest degree.
He felt generous so he even drove the duo-of-the-great-outdoors back to the consulate. Ray was humming to the music from the stereo in his car and got fantasy #34 all geared up for when he came home.
He got home and made a beeline for his bedroom. He made quick work of his clothes and settled in his bed. Fantasy #34 involved a very hot, very stubborn female suspect (who was guilty as hell, of course) and where Ray had to use a different tactic altogether to get her to confess. He leered. Yes, this was definitely a day for that one.
Ray really took his own sweet time with it. He was already pushing up her skirt and groping her breasts before he took a grope himself – only to stare disbelievingly down his body.
What the fuck? Nothing, nada, not the slightest movement. Not even a twitch. Ray tried to stay calm, okay… things like that happened, right? Hadn't happened to him ever before but there was a first time for everything, right? He just had to… uh, …find the right incentive. He went to his closet and pulled out a battered looking cardboard box. Ray rifled through the contents until he came up with his favorite porn video.
He put it into the DVD player and settled in again. Ray was anxiously looking down at his cock the further the, uh, plot progressed but there was no change. He couldn't get it up. No way, no how. Getting dressed in a pair of old boxers and a worn out T-Shirt was the least he could do to protect his dignity. Betrayed by the one body part that had never let him down.
Was he experiencing a midlife crisis? 37 seemed a bit young for one of those but maybe he was simply precocious? Maybe he was sick? Ray tried to keep the freak out at bay. There was plenty of time for that later. Needless to say, he wasn't doing too hot.
He was… he couldn't even think it… he had a… a dysfunction, his brain whispered scandalized. That was scary and then some.
Ray took a few deep breaths, like Fraser had taught him to do when he was starting to freak out. He got a sleeping pill from his medicine cabinet and let the drug do its work.
He was jumpy and touchy at work and Fraser was probably going to chew him out for it after a couple more days of this – well, not chew out exactly. More like treating him to the Fraser version of it, all stiff and testy and politer than normal until he finally snapped at him and then Ray jumped down his throat and blurted out whatever the hell it was that was bothering him. Ray hoped it wouldn't come to that.
Instead he spent all his time on the internet researching his… problem. He tried to think of it as nothing more, it didn't have a name in his head and it was just temporary and very little, miniscule really, and didn't deserve any bigger treatment.
The only thing he found out, though, was the fact that most of the causes had a medical reason. He swallowed when he skimmed through the list of possible causes: diabetes, neurogenic disorders, multiple sclerosis, cavernosal disorders… it wasn't pretty. And Ray didn't like doctors and hospitals and stuff.
But he tried every night and there was no change. He started to feel really panicked after the end of the week. He had tried all of his fantasies, even the ones with Stella which always made him feel guilty, every surface in his flat and every porn channel he could find, nothing helped.
The weekend came and went and Ray's condition was still the same. He had tried sauna, relaxation tapes, spicy food, drugstore aphrodisiacs, and every kind of porn and it didn't change a single thing.
So the first thing he did on Monday morning was to make an appointment with his G.P. At least he was lucky when it came to doctors; his appointment was scheduled for the next morning. Explaining to Fraser why he wouldn't be there to pick him up on Tuesday wasn't exactly easy, though.
"Uh, hey Fraser?" he asked during lunch.
"Yes, Ray?" Fraser's tone was almost hopeful. Ray assumed that he was hoping for an explanation for Ray's intolerable mood the last week.
"I, uh, I won't be in for work so early tomorrow. Okay if I pick ya up a little later than usual?" He studied his chicken salad with great fascination.
Fraser's brow furrowed.
"Is everything alright, Ray?"
"Yeah… sure… uh, I just got an appointment, is all."
Ray could feel the heat of Fraser's searching gaze on his face and hoped that he wasn't turning red.
"You have an appointment during work time? Sounds rather urgent, Ray. The only appointments you ever scheduled during your shift were doctor's appointments. Are you sure that everything is alright?"
Ray sighed, could the Mountie not just once miss out on something?
"It's-it's alright. Just a, uh, routine check. I'll probably be at the consulate around 10."
"Ah, I see. Well, it is never the wrong time for precautions, Ray."
Ray nodded and mumbled something indefinable.
The next morning might take the credit for being the most embarrassing one in all of Ray's life. Explaining to a stranger why he was there and then letting said stranger look at it for himself, and nurses, too, wasn't exactly his idea of a good time. He had never –never - felt so low.
And now that he had it black on white he wasn't sure if he was supposed to be pleased by it.
"Well, Mr. Kowalski there is no medical reason for your erectile dysfunction" – and damn him for just saying that as if it was nothing more than a cold. Erectile dysfunction, for Christ's sake, that was like a, like a death sentence or something. "We will inform you once we get the results from your blood test back from the lab, however, I wouldn't put too much hope in those, if I were you."
See? Sure, Ray was happy that he didn't have diabetes or any of those other scary things but not having any explanation meant he was right back where he started, square one all over again.
Could have saved him from waving his dick into the face of a stranger with a university degree had he known that earlier.
"Mr. Kowalski, an erectile dysfunction" – and could he stop saying that, please? – "can have multiple causes. Are you enduring a lot of stress at the moment?"
Ray seriously considered explaining his freakish partnership and that what passed for stress in his life had long surpassed any measurable amount, that after starting to work with the Mountie nothing really stressed him anymore.
He just didn't think that the doc would believe him if he told him that he was even able to perform after he was rescued from a sinking ship when he couldn't even swim. Ray did not want hallucinations or delusions on his list of possible causes. Heh, at least he and Fraser would share the same medical record then.
"Nah, compared to other times in my life it's really laid-back at the moment." Ray shrugged. Sad thing was that it was the truth. Maybe it was stress after all? What kind of guy said that his life was laid-back because he had only suffered two shootings, three high speed chases and one hostage situation over the course of the last week?
"Hm." That 'hm' sounded a lot like Fraser's "ah", the "oh dear" one not the "I see" variety, and it usually wasn't pretty.
"Hm what, Doc?"
"Performance anxiety is another common cause—"
Ray didn't even let him finish. He was working with Fraser! There was no one that made you feel like a million bucks the way Fraser did, working with him Ray felt reasonably confident that he could do anything. So, nope, no performance anxiety here.
"Mr. Kowalski, you have to understand that there are numerous reasons that could lead to" – Ray winced, he knew what was coming, that guy had no sympathy – "erectile dysfunction".
He scribbled something on his prescription pad.
"This is the number of a therapist I can recommend. She might be able to help you with discovering the cause."
No way was Ray going to a therapist. He'd done that crap with Stella and there was no way he was going back there. Afterwards you had problems you didn't even know you had before you entered the door.
"Thanks." He managed, but barely.
Needless to say this development didn't exactly lighten his mood. He felt harassed, under pressure to prove something, and to reassure himself that he was still a man no matter if the equipment worked or… not. He gritted his teeth.
God, that made him mad. Maybe this was better, wasn't there something to the stages of grief and didn't anger came after self-pity? Or maybe anger was the last stop before he reached resignation? ..or was it about the stages of death and the last destination was… he swallowed. Maybe not such a good idea after all. But anger was familiar and it didn't feel as helpless as fear.
It was even fun getting Fraser riled up. That guy had a lot more patience than anyone had a right to possess but even Ray could see that the ice was getting thin after three days of Ray's not so passive aggressive shit.
It was Friday night and they were on a stakeout and Ray was restless and jittery because a stakeout meant way too much time to think and the only thing Ray had tried to avoid was thinking so this was pretty much the punch line to his week.
Fraser had stopped telling Inuit stories hours ago because Ray had more or less shouted at him to just shut the fuck up – stupid fertility myths and gods with phallic properties and he just didn't need this at the moment.
So Ray was bouncing his leg and sipping on his third cup of coffee and jumping through the channels on the radio and he saw Fraser's jaw flex and he knew that he was putting him on edge in a wild mixture of intention and completely involuntary action.
"Ray." Patient Fraser.
More leg bouncing. He couldn't stop, honest to god.
"Ray." Long-suffering sigh.
The next station had to be better – they couldn't all be playing "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, right?
"Ray!" Definitely annoyed now.
But the next station was playing the Bloodhound Gang and no way was Ray waiting for them to start grunting about tits and fucking and grinding and shit.
"RAY!" Oops, now he'd done it.
Fraser's hand came to rest upon his bouncing leg and pressed it against the seat. When Ray's bouncing was thus controlled he removed his arm again.
"Ray, you have been telling me that you are fine for the last two weeks but unless your caffeine tolerance has reduced itself to no more than one cup I'd say that it is highly unlikely that you are fine."
Ray let his head hang and rested it against the steering wheel. He was tired and he felt hopeless and he was so sick of it all.
They had – Ray chanced a glance at the clock – still 52 minutes to go and hey, Fraser was the last guy to laugh at him for this, right? Fraser had all these moral codes about not making anyone feel more like shit than they already did and always making everything sound easier and manageable.
"I-" He couldn't say it. It just wasn't possible, the words were lodged in his throat in a really painful way but there was no way that he could get them out.
"So, it is this serious then." Fraser said and he sounded like he had given the matter an awful lot of thought and Ray didn't want Fraser to sound like this, all… un-Fraserish.
"Yeah… I… I have…" but still the words wouldn't come.
"Do you know the exact term for your condition, it might help." Fraser offered kindly.
Ray didn't get it. What was Fraser talking about? Of course he knew what a constantly soft dick was called, he wasn't an imbecile. Calling a spade a spade didn't help any, though.
"Huh? Fraser, what are you talking about?"
"I-" There went the finger over the eyebrow again. "I couldn't help but assume that your… deteriorating… mood over the last two weeks was in some way related to your appointment last Tuesday."
Ray took a deep breath.
"You're right… it is… I'm just… I can't tell you, Fraser."
Fraser looked a bit pale but that could be from the ghoulish light from that neon ad at the corner.
"Ray, I promise I will support you in any situation. If you… if you tell me what the diagnosis is I might even be able to help. I read quite a few books on alternative medicine, there are some techniques that are quite simple, I assure you, and it wouldn't hurt trying to, for example, envision yourself enveloped in a yellow light and—"
What the fuck? Yellow light? That sounded like something Ray had seen on TV, something cancer patients did when they were told the tumor was inoperable. They kinda imagined a healing light or some crap. Wait, wait, wait… Fraser was thinking that…? Gee! Had he been that bad that Fraser assumed he was like, dying or something?
"Fraser, I- I'm not… sick, not like that. I mean, I don't got cancer or anything."
Fraser – well, he almost slumped back into his seat with relief. Ray felt like a jerk for making Fraser worry like that.
"I… can't get…" the rest was an undistinguishable murmur but apparently the Mountie really had ears like a bat.
"You can't get it up?" Fraser repeated in a clear voice and Ray winced again. Did everyone have to shout it from the treetops or what? He swore if Fraser asked him now what exactly he couldn't get up he would pop him one.
He shot a dirty glare in Fraser's direction and Fraser's puzzled expression smoothed over.
"Ah." He was silent for a moment.
"I assume correctly then that there is no medical cause for this… condition?" Ray sighed in relief. At least Fraser took mercy on him.
He nodded. His throat felt dry and he gulped another mouthful of almost cold coffee. It tasted like ashes and Ray made a face at it. Shouldn't have given up smoking, he could really need a cigarette right now.
Fraser reached into the glove compartment and took out a small plastic case, he shook the content lightly and handed Ray a toothpick from the container. Ray couldn't help but smile at Fraser. That man was really looking for all the signs… and knew how to read Ray like a book.
"Thanks". He took the toothpick gratefully and started rolling it around in his mouth.
"Hm." Fraser looked as if he ran through a list in his head. "I wouldn't say that stress is a probable cause. Did anything happen that could have resulted in your predicament?"
Ray shook his head. "It's driving me mental. I've been thinking about it all week but I can't come up with anything. Nothing happened, I don't know why my dick has to behave like a freak of nature." Ray blushed, he had never used a word like dick around Fraser.
The Mountie took it remarkably well, however, acting as if this was a medical discussion they were having and not one about Ray's now even less than non-existing sex life.
"Don't worry, Ray. I am confident that it is only a temporary situation. Our bodies are often occupied by things that escape our conscious mind. I am quite sure that your subconscious is simply trying to cope with another matter and in a little while everything will be fine again." He gave Ray one of his "this is a matter of physics, Ray" smile the one where Ray knew that it was just like Fraser had said, it was like gravity or the order of the universe.
Ray's shoulders relaxed for the first time in weeks.
"Think nothing of it. I will look into the matter and maybe we can find a solution to speed up the process." Fraser said in a tone he reserved for working on a case.
Ray felt immensely glad. Fraser was like an in the flesh guarantee that everything would be alright.
And Fraser really made it easy on Ray. He wasn't walking on eggshells around the topic but he didn't bring it up unnecessarily either. He discreetly handed Ray books with the relevant pages marked that might be of help to him, relaxation techniques or even tantric exercises – those, Fraser had not been able to give to Ray without a slight blush on his cheeks but he had looked Ray defiantly in the eye and Ray appreciated that Fraser was going so far out of his comfort zone just to help him.
And even though nothing seemed to help Fraser's quiet confidence that it was a temporary occurrence and that they only needed to find the right cure was unshaken and it made Ray feel a bit more at ease, this feeling that it was really just a matter of time… and not a matter of possibility.
The next weekend approached and Ray didn't try to think that this meant it had been three weeks now. Instead he went to the movie theater with Fraser, grabbing some mindless action movie which Fraser and his hypersensitive ears didn't enjoy too much but was great at distracting Ray. It was already late when they left the theater so Ray walked back towards the consulate with Fraser where he had left his car.
Fraser patted his arm in an encouraging gesture and went inside, Dief hot on his heels. Ray was already unlocking the door of the GTO when he decided to walk a bit longer. It wasn't the greatest neighborhood and it wasn't the best scenery but Ray felt relaxed and it was a warm night out and if he could delay facing his bedroom and the bed in it for a while longer he didn't mind in the slightest.
He walked for at least an hour, block after block but he kinda enjoyed it. It was after midnight when he crossed the street towards the consulate again and he thought maybe Fraser was still awake, they could drink some of his freakish tea and Fraser could tell some more stories about the buttfuckofnowhere and maybe Ray could go to bed so tired that he wouldn't even notice that a bed could be used for other stuff beside sleeping.
Ray wasn't sure if Fraser was still awake, though. What did a guy do when he slept in his work place? There wasn't exactly much that he could do for fun, right?
The door was already locked but Ray was quite skilled at picking a lock with his trusted credit card so that part didn't bother him too much.
He stood in the silent, dark hallway and suspected that Fraser was indeed already asleep. Okay, better be quiet then. If Fraser was already sleeping he would just sneak out again, no harm done.
He crept towards Fraser's office and thought he could hear soft noises inside. Maybe Fraser was reading to the wolf?
Ray was almost at the door when he realized that it was slightly ajar. He frowned for a second but it made sense, that way the wolf could get out of the room during the night. He pushed the door open a little bit wider, the room appeared to be pretty dark.
There was a small light coming from somewhere behind the door – the desk lamp possibly. Most of the room was still in shadows but Ray could see Fraser alright, lying on his cot with…. Ray gaped. Fraser had his hand inside his long johns and was jerking off. It was such an improbable sight that Ray's brain needed a second longer to take in all the details.
The handkerchief Fraser had wrapped around his hand, probably to avoid any mess at the end and the way he was biting enticingly on his lower lip, trying to keep his soft moans and small whimpers muffled, his head thrown back and Ray could see the long line of his neck.
Fraser's hand was moving in a blur and Ray could see that Fraser was getting close and he should leave, this was private, he shouldn't be looking at all but he couldn't look away because… for a horrified moment that lasted forever Ray stared down at his crotch… and the unmistakable bulge that greeted him there.
It felt as if his blood had taken a second to catch up with him and he felt suddenly light headed and god, he was hard like he couldn't believe ever being in his life and it would have taken more than a whole army to stop him from stroking himself through his jeans.
After three weeks of not even being able to produce a twitch he had a hard-on that tried to burn through his pants.
He pressed the heel of his hands against his cock and had to bite down on a moan, he was so close… how had he gotten so close so fast, he hadn't even really touched himself but his gaze was riveted to Fraser's form on the bed, a rosy hue on his chest and soft shadows on his face from the lamp and that tongue came out to wet his lips and Ray unconsciously mirrored the action and he could see Fraser's spine coil, his whole back arched and he grunted and made a sound that Ray fancied sounded a lot like his name.
He came with a final roll of the hips and Ray bit down on his lips so hard he could taste the coppery tang of blood and his heel pressed a bit harder into his groin and it didn't take any more than that. He came in his pants without so much as a little bit of pressure, something that hadn't happened to him since puberty.
Fraser gave a satisfied sigh, relaxed and languid and Ray swallowed and realized that he was standing in the doorway of Fraser's office, watching Fraser's post-orgasmic glow. He hastily turned around and moved as quietly as he could towards the door. He opened the door without so much as a whisper even though his hands were shaking so badly that he needed two tries to pry it open and then he was outside again and leaning his back against the door.
His jeans felt disgusting, all cold and clammy and he still had to drive home and he still didn't know what the fuck had just happened?
Ray arrived at his apartment and the first thing he did was change into clean clothes. He looked shocked at his soiled underwear, it just wasn't possible.
The post-sex haze was finally catching up with him, though, which thankfully kept the freak out away. He just felt boneless and way too damn good to be really concerned at the moment and he mostly felt thankful that apparently Fraser had been right and it was a temporary thing so that he got into bed and under the covers and decided to save the thinking for the next morning.
Ray woke up feeling rested and relaxed. He stretched languidly. Maybe he had dreamt yesterday? But his blue boxer shorts were still on top of the laundry basket which meant that it must have been real. Fraser had told him something about nerves being triggered by the need to mirror something you saw, maybe that's what had happened to him? He had seen Fraser and his body had finally remembered what it had to do to get a boner?
Emboldened by his latest victory he pushed his shorts down and closed his fist around his cock. He gave a few experimental pulls only to realize that it wasn't doing any good. He frowned. Ray could still remember how hard he had been yesterday, how freakin' hot he had felt and how his cock had pulsed. It was less than 12 hours later?
Disgusted with himself he pulled his hand away again and pulled his shorts back up again. He went to the bathroom to grab a shower and while the water was pounding down his back he tried to make sense of it.
There was one thing he could try, he mused. Except that it was wrong and not possible and he would never be able to look Fraser in the eye again… but what if… it could work. He had tried anything else, why not try a new fantasy… he didn't want to give it a number because that would mean it was just another one in a long line of fantasies but this was something else, couldn't really measure stuff like that with the same yardstick.
Okay… so, fantasizing about Fraser, huh? He closed his eyes and tried to recall the scene from last night in as much detail as he could muster. Ray blushed. This was wrong on so many levels… and maybe his cock had a new kink for forbidden stuff but it definitely took an interest in the matter.
It wasn't all that impressive and certainly nothing compared to last night… well, it wasn't even enough to really finish it but there was a reaction, a definite I-am-taking-interest-in-this-scenario. Ray let his hand fall to his side and squeezed his eyes more tightly shut.
What did that mean?
Was it possible to experience something like a gay awakening? He almost laughed it sounded so stupid.
Before he started to wrinkle he got out of the shower. Now what? There was no way in hell that he was going to a gay porn theater to figure out what was wrong with his dick.
He sighed… The internet was for and so on, he was single he knew all the advantages of the telecommunication industry of the 21st century. Ray had just never thought that some poor jerk sitting in his office and skimming through internet log files or however those guys figured what you did on the internet would suddenly discover that Ray had, after 37 years of relatively common porn scenarios, developed a taste for gay porn on Sunday afternoons.
To Ray's intense relief he didn't appear to be a newly converted queen, though. It didn't squick him and he had tried his own fair share of anal sex back when Stella had still considered it daring and dirty, so no, Ray was fine with the whole gay sex issue, but it didn't turn his crank either to watch two men fuck each other.
Maybe there really was something to Fraser's mirror-neurons or whatever the fuck he had been talking about exactly. Well, Ray supposed that he could try to pick up some random chick; he certainly knew enough shady bars for it.
He grimaced. He couldn't honestly imagine taking a girl home with him only to discover then that his newest theory needed some adjustments. Not getting it up on your own was embarrassing; not being able to perform with someone else in bed was beyond mortifying.
Plus, it had been like forever that he had really tried to pick anyone up anyway and he felt a bit funny just thinking about it.
To be honest he couldn't imagine experimenting with some stranger, it was just too embarrassing and he would have to explain and that would make him the biggest loser of all time and he just couldn't face that.
Well, he couldn't really ask Stella. Not anymore, not since they were quits for good and Ray even felt okay with that.
Ray sighed. Sunday evening came and went and Ray had tried to prepare himself for seeing Fraser on Monday and even though he talked a bit more and a bit faster than was strictly necessary on their ride to the station he thought he did quite well. He only had to focus on not thinking about Saturday night.
But mostly Fraser was such a good friend that Ray didn't even have to try all that hard to see the guy before he saw the wank material. Still, Ray couldn't completely resist studying him. He noticed that Fraser actually had a gorgeous mouth, really perfect lips every woman would kill for and then Fraser did the teeth thing he always did when he debated if he should come out and say something and Ray had to fiddle with the notes on his desk to keep from staring.
By now Fraser was thankfully used to Ray's distressed behavior and didn't seem particularly surprised by it.
There was only one more problem to Ray's situation. By the end of his shift on Tuesday he was even more on edge than the last few weeks. You see, the only time he had gotten some release those last three weeks had been when he had stumbled over Fraser wanking and now there didn't seem to be a single thing that could make him come.
So Ray was getting all these weird ideas in his head that maybe if he could watch Fraser again he might be able to get off again, too. He felt bad about it but not as much as he was desperate for some release. Ray couldn't remember ever feeling so tense. The question was how was he supposed to manage that?
It wasn't as if he could just ask Fraser. What was he supposed to do, break into the consulate night after night in the hope to catch Fraser at it? The scary part was that this idea didn't sound as bad as it should have anymore.
Tuesday dragged into Wednesday which morphed into Thursday and Ray had all but given up on his plan. There was just no way and all in all he felt really bad trying to turn Fraser into just another wank fantasy.
But, yeah, he was pretty hyped up and he couldn't stop thinking about sex and he was probably about ready to kill Fraser with all his talk but he couldn't help it, anything looked sexual and anyone around Ray seemed to be having sex but him.
He didn't really have any intention of embarrassing Fraser when he pointed towards the screwing rabbits near Soldiers Field or when he remembered some weird tantric position he had read about in one of Fraser's books and how the oddest stuff was supposed to have aphrodisiacal properties.
Maybe it was the heat cuz it really was way too damn hot for a day in early June and Ray felt like his shirt was plastered to his body and that even his hair wilted in the heat. Thing was, jerking off was like Ray's number one method to release some steam, it was like his favorite leisure-time hobby and it was now close to one month that he had a proper wank (not counting that one night in Fraser's office because he still wasn't sure where he should put that).
So Ray had probably not even really noticed how hard he was making this on Fraser who was more of a private guy and never really talked about sex or related stuff and was only trying to help.
This is really the only explanation Ray got. Maybe his subconscious was more of a plotting devil than he had given it credit for.
But doing all the foot work on one of the hottest days the year had seen so far was really a bit more trying than necessary. When they finally called it a day Ray had suggested that they get into fresh clothes at his apartment and look for some dinner afterwards.
Ray had been a gracious host so Fraser got dips on the first shower and the wolf got a bowl of water in the kitchen and Ray was in his bedroom looking for something else to wear when he noticed the stack of fresh towels still in the laundry basket. Damn, he had completely forgotten about those.
And he wasn't thinking, not about Fraser in the shower anyway, he was busy deciding on what he might want to eat later, so he had just grabbed one of the towels and marched down the hall and opened the door to the bathroom to deposit a towel on the toilet for Fraser.
Of course he should have knocked. He should've just left the towel in front of the door but Fraser had never made a big deal about privacy in the bathroom and Ray wasn't thinking, especially since he was so busy not to think about anything those last few weeks and he hadn't even expected to see anything.
And now he stood frozen on the spot right in the open door and Fraser was behind the shower curtain with his back to him and steam rose from the bathtub and Ray only saw Fraser's shadow but he saw his stance and the way his hand moved between his legs and he was making those soft noises again, not quite as muffled as last time and Ray's brain helpfully supplied him with the idea that he probably thought the water was covering most of his moans.
And Ray was suddenly breathless and needy and his cock was straining inside his jeans, trying to jump into Ray's hand and Ray took a step backwards and closed the door shut with a soft snick, the towel fell to the ground right in front of the bathroom door and Ray pulled his cock out with lightening speed. He pressed one hand flat against the surface of the door and pulled in fast, greedy strokes on his cock.
He needed, god, he needed so much, and he could still hear Fraser moaning in his ear and he bit down on his lip, his hand was moving in a blur and he was so close, so fucking close and he imagined the water flowing down Fraser's strong body and the way his face had looked back at his office when he came and Ray gnashed his teeth and came with a grunt and he heard the splatter of his come hitting the bathroom door in front of him with the force of it but he didn't care, he felt so limp with gratitude.
With shaking legs Ray tried to do his fly up again. He collected the towel from the floor and mopped at the mess on the door, it wasn't even so bad, most of it had been on Ray's hand anyway and he walked back into his bedroom and threw the towel on the pile for washing and got a new one for Fraser.
He waited for another minute, sitting on his bed and catching his breath before he tried to get up again. He knocked on the bathroom door and shouted "Fraser, I got you a towel, I leave it in front of the door, kay?"
Ray imagined Fraser sounded a bit breathless when he replied "Thank you, Ray." But that could have been wishful thinking.
He didn't even look when he heard the 'snick' of the bathroom door and Fraser emerged to get the towel. Instead he busied himself with cleaning up his bedroom; putting things on their proper shelves in the closet and picking up lose socks from the floor and throwing them on the laundry pile, too.
Ray tried to ignore the congealed feeling in his boxer shorts. Fraser came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.
"Ray, I'm sorry it took so long. I have to admit under the heat a simple shower really does wonders."
Ray wanted to snap at him that he didn't have to lie to him just because he could jerk off whenever he wanted to but wisely refrained from doing so.
"Yeah, sure, Fraser." He mumbled and closed the bathroom door behind him.
What was wrong with him? He couldn't get it up neither for fame nor money but the moment Fraser was having a good time his cock decided he needed to join in on the action?
He was doomed, that's what it meant. There was no sex for him ever again if his cock could only get hot and bothered over a Canadian Mountie… and not any Mountie either for that matter. Course it had to be the one and only guy Ray could rely on, the one he actually needed to be his friend.
Ray was quiet and distracted at dinner and Fraser was slightly surprised because there had been no indication that Ray's mood was sinking until they had reached his apartment.
But Fraser was about to realize over the next few days that this was only the first day of many where Ray was despondent and self-conscious.
By the time they met for a nice stroll along the waterfront on Sunday Fraser could detect the first signs of sleep deprivation on Ray's face. The dark circles weren't yet terribly distinguished but they were there.
Fraser was really starting to get worried. He had felt for Ray those last few weeks but Ray had seemed to cope with it and Fraser had felt confident that whatever the reason was it would sooner or later vanish.
It didn't look as if Fraser's optimistic outlook was coming true after all.
Ray started to lack concentration at work and seemed lost in thought for hours on end and as far as Fraser could determine Ray seemed intent on isolating himself further from social contact… even from him and that hurt more than Fraser could say.
He didn't want to put a name on it but by Wednesday Fraser had to admit that Ray was displaying most of the signs of a clinical depression.
Fraser had had another idea that might help Ray but he had been unsure how Ray would take it. Now, it seemed as if he didn't have any choice.
Fraser could understand Ray's feelings, Ray was such a physical being, and he was always touching and experiencing everything with his whole body. Fraser had always considered Ray an exceptionally sensual man. Not being able to express this…part… of him seemed to destroy an essential bit of his personality.
Thursday came and Ray wasn't sure how much longer he could survive this. Not getting an erection was bad enough in itself but knowing that the only one able to give you one is your best friend just… sucked.
He didn't want to be alone because when he was he thought too much and then he felt even worse than before but he couldn't hang around Fraser because that was just about killing him.
He was so oversexed he couldn't stop thinking back to that time in the shower, or the consulate and then he felt even more godawful because this was Fraser and he deserved better and Ray couldn't look in his face or touch his arm or any of those things when he was always afraid that some of it would show on his face.
And it appeared to be getting worse. Ray had been lost in thought this morning and Fraser had placed his hand on Ray's arm in a comforting gesture, showing with everything he had that he was worried about Ray and Ray had to close his eyes because that touch had felt so damn good and he was craving an outlet and he couldn't sleep anymore because first he couldn't fall asleep and when he finally did he had weird dreams in which Fraser found out about him and wanted nothing more to do with him and the last two nights his own sobs had woken him up and he just couldn't take it anymore.
Fraser was the only thing that had made the last weeks bearable and now Fraser was the one thing that was killing him and he was so tired and he felt on overload and he couldn't do anything about it because he didn't trust himself to just touch Fraser as a friend would because he wasn't sure if he could stop… he was exhausted.
On Friday at the end of their shift Ray was close to tears from sheer frustration and lack of sleep and he was trying so hard and he wasn't getting anywhere and the weekend should've been an improvement but that only meant two days without the slightest bit of distraction and even more time he could spend staring accusingly at his bed.
"Ray." Fraser stood behind him and said his name gently and Ray had to close his eyes because it was all too damn much.
"Let me drive, you are in no condition to do it yourself."
Still, oh so understanding even though Ray had been a jerk all week, bitchy and irritable and Fraser was still so patient with him. Ray knew that Fraser was right. He didn't want to sit in the car with him, all alone and with no distraction but there was no way that he would make it home in one piece.
He handed his keys to Fraser in defeat.
"Thank you, Fraser." He said quietly.
Fraser just smiled at him.
They drove to Ray's apartment and Fraser was prattling on about god knew what and Ray tried to sit still and not break down before he was behind closed doors.
At Ray's door Fraser made no move to say goodbye so Ray resigned himself to another hour at least in which Fraser made sure that Ray would survive his own company and could therefore be left alone.
Ray dropped down onto the couch and Fraser went to the fridge and got a beer out for him. Ray looked up in surprise, usually Fraser tried to force some sort of tea down his throat.
"Relax, Ray." He said with a small smile and Ray was close to tears again because he thought 'I can't, damn it, I can't, if I let go just an inch, then,...then…" and he couldn't even finish his thought but he took the beer gratefully and took a long pull.
"Do you mind if I took a moment to change, Ray?"
Ray shook his head.
"I'd rather spend my evening in an unofficial capacity." And he hoped that it would ease Ray a bit if he didn't appear as distanced as his uniform always made him feel.
Fraser collected the bag he had brought with him to the station this morning and went into the bathroom. Wearing jeans and a simple T-Shirt already felt much better.
He sat down next to Ray and waited for Ray to speak. But Ray was as quiet as he had been over the whole week so Fraser cleared his throat.
"It isn't getting any better, is it, Ray?"
Ray just shook his head again, not trusting his voice.
"Have you considered, I mean do you… that is-" Fraser fumbled.
That got a slightly amused smile from Ray.
"Spit it out, Fraser."
"I understand that you are averse to therapy but… have you thought about, uh… professional, ah, help in another capacity?"
Ray frowned for a moment trying to translate Fraserish into English.
"Professional? Fraser, are you honestly suggesting I'd hire a hooker?" Ray sounded scandalized and Fraser wasn't sure if that was because of the idea itself or because the idea had come from him.
"Ah, that is, I had thought more along the lines of a" he cracked his neck and rubbed his eyebrow. Now he really had Ray's attention 'cause that was like the whole package, now that idea Ray got to hear.
"An… erotic massage therapist. I- I came across an article a week ago where it was recommended for, well it was advertized for people with problems to feel comfortable in their own skin, however, I thought that under the circumstances it might be worth a try."
Fraser was bright red by the time he finished. Ray looked shocked which was for the most part simply because he hadn't expected it to be a turn on to hear Fraser utter the word 'erotic' but he figured he was already so far down he couldn't possibly sink any lower.
And yes, he had thought about it and if it might help, bringing his whole mirror theory back to the front. There was only one problem with it.
"Fraser, it's… it's not that this is a bad idea. But, see, I'm kinda… because I feel… uh… " he sighed and tried again. "I don't think I could survive it if it didn't work… and you know, there's this strange therapist and she's kinda expecting something and nothing happens and… " Ray blushed as well.
Fraser was silent for a long time and Ray thought he looked as if he was trying to say something but maybe he got it wrong and Fraser just didn't know what else to say.
But Fraser turned even redder and tried to loosen his collar with his finger and that got Ray's suspicions up again.
"Ah, do you think… that is—would it help if you knew the—the person?"
Ray thought that he knew where this was going for this sounded like a lot of the teenage movies and this was quite often the way the first kiss happened but Ray was so far gone he didn't trust his own instincts anymore.
"Fraser, I don't know anyone who is able to give a decent massage… and you are the only one who knows about my… you know, problem."
Fraser looked stricken but he forced himself to explain anyway.
"I know a few techniques." He said quietly, his voice not a hundred percent even but he looked Ray straight in the eye and tried to convey that it was alright, that he wasn't scared.
That really took guts. Ray looked stunned. He stared at Fraser for such a long time that Fraser started to rub his eyebrow again.
"Unless of course you wouldn't feel comfortable because I would understand and I—"
Ray was shaking his head.
"No, Fraser. That's not it… you would really do that?"
And Ray saw a million warning signs flash before his eyes and every fiber of his being knew that this was an exceptionally bad idea but he ached, and he needed just so much and he wanted so badly to find some release and he was at the end of his rope and Fraser was just sitting there trying to look all composed and as if he offered massages to other people all the time and Ray swallowed. And then he nodded.
"Okay." He whispered. And then again a bit more firmly, "Okay, then."
Fraser simply nodded again and tried to channel his inner teacher or inner medicine man or whomever Fraser called when he needed to be all professional and clinical about something.
"Would you like me to try it now, Ray?"
Ray raised desperate eyes to Fraser. Fraser almost flinched just from looking at him.
"I-yes." Ray said quietly.
"Good." Fraser said more heartily than he felt but trying for Ray to sound as nonchalant as possible. He didn't want to scare Ray and this was no time for what he wanted.
"Ah, why don't you get rid of the shirt and your...jeans… and then you can get comfortable. It is probably advisable to move to your bedroom, Ray. Your couch simply isn't long enough." There, all matter of fact, all steady and Fraser was rather proud of himself.
Ray nodded again but he didn't look at all sure about this. He moved to the bedroom and once there stripped off his shirt. He hesitated a second before his hand went to his pants and he pushed them down his legs almost defiantly. He stood unsure in front of the bed, his arms crossed in front of him, trying to cover as much as possible.
"Ray, why don't you lie down on your stomach? I'll just need a second." He willed his voice to sound warm and reassuring and maybe it helped, for Ray lay down without another word.
Fraser went to the lamp on the bedside table to switch that one on instead of the glaring ceiling lighting. Fraser looked through the drawers in Ray's bathroom cabinet but couldn't find anything better than body lotion to use for massage oil.
He came back into the bedroom where Ray was still lying quietly in the middle of the bed.
"Ray, do you happen to possess some kind of body oil? Lotion would work as an emergency option but it would be a whole lot more comfortable with oil."
He saw the blush creeping up Ray's neck but he reached out and opened his bedside drawer to pull out a bottle of baby oil.
Fraser tried not to connect the oil with its spot next to Ray's bed. Instead he simply took the few steps forward to take the bottle from Ray's fingers.
"Ray, it's alright. I assure you everything is fine."
Ray visibly tried to relax. Fraser looked around and found the bed sheet at the end of the bed. He picked it up and draped it over Ray's bottom half which seemed to ease him further.
Fraser sat down next to Ray and tried to cover the deep breath he took with the sounds of opening the bottle and pouring some of the oil into his palm.
He rubbed his palms carefully, warming the oil before he reached over to where Ray lay.
He started with a simple rub of Ray's shoulders, more or less just working the oil into the skin without even really kneading him. Ray was so tense Fraser wasn't sure if they were going to accomplish anything here.
He moved his hands over all of Ray's back and when everything was glistening with the oil in the light of the lamp he started to work on all the knots in Ray's back.
Ray was afraid to breathe. He was afraid to move and he was a helluva lot afraid of letting go. Sexual frustration was easy, relaxing was the hard part.
He wasn't exactly sure what he was afraid of. In some way he was afraid that it wouldn't work, that whatever had gotten him off when he had watched Fraser getting it on wasn't working anymore or wasn't connected with Fraser's touch or something.
Now, the possibility that it might work – and Ray deeply believed that it would, everything always worked in Fraser's favor – that scared him shitless.
How could they ever untangle what they had started with this massage business? What was supposed to happen?
Should Ray simply say "Fraser, my very good friend, I have substantial evidence that the administration of your therapeutic touch had the desired effect. It seems I am indeed the proud owner of one remarkably fine erection, thank you kindly. Now, what would you like for dinner, my treat of course?" He almost snorted into his pillow just thinking it.
"I'm glad this amuses you." Fraser said in a warm tone. He didn't sound annoyed, sounded more like relieved, come to think of it. And yeah, Fraser had been pretty worried about him and Ray had felt bad because of it but Fraser was like cause and effect in the same body and that just didn't help Ray any… which was exactly why Ray shouldn't have Fraser's hands roaming all over his body now.
But Ray really had to admit that this was a fine set of magic fingers Fraser owned there.
They worked on his shoulders and on that bit of skin right between his shoulder blades and when they moved down in a kneading motion Ray couldn't suppress a moan of gratitude. God, he hadn't realized how much his back hurt.
"Good?" Fraser asked quietly, still in that tone as warm as honey.
"Mh-hm." Ray sighed languidly.
Fraser smiled and worked his way up Ray's other side.
He hadn't thought how apt his comparison to a flower had been when he had tried to teach Ray to swim. His body was indeed very much like a flower, it soaked up his touch as if it hadn't seen the sun for years. Well, of course, Fraser chided himself, Ray's body hadn't gotten any close physical contact over the last month; this was the whole point of the exercise.
His fingers gripped Ray at the nape and kneaded the strong muscle there. Ray tried to smother another moan in his pillow.
Fraser was absurdly glad that because of the oil Ray would never notice that his hands were starting to sweat. He had known what he would risk when he offered to do this for Ray but it was one thing to theorize about something and quite another to actually experience it.
Ray's body was like a map, it was so easy to follow its directions, to the spots where Ray hid the hurt and the stress and the pain and to make them relax. Ray's skin was warm and smooth and Fraser had never seen anything as enticing.
Ray felt like mush, he had honest to god never felt so wonderful in all his life. He just floated around on a wave of goodness and it was such a long time that anyone had touched him with such attentiveness, such care and thoroughness it was… greatness.
Fraser had no idea how much time had elapsed since he had started touching Ray and it didn't matter to him because he had no intention of stopping, ever again. There wasn't a single knot left and Ray was pliant and relaxed underneath him and he tried to swallow as quietly as possible.
Now for the… therapeutic... part of this undertaking. Oh dear, what had he gotten himself into?
His touch deftly changed from kneading to caressing, searching for all the spots on Ray's body that brought forth pleasure. It wasn't exactly a complicated search; Ray seemed to consist mostly of sweet spots.
Skimming down his sides, left and right at the same time and only stopping when he reached the sheet and then the same travel up again drew a soft whimper from Ray's lips.
Fraser pressed the heels of his hands right at the base of Ray's spine and Ray gasped, Fraser's fingernails scratched softly upwards, following Ray's spine and Ray gave a low, drawn out moan.
Fraser wet his lips, this was harder than he had imagined.
Ray felt hot. He had been on a nice little pleasure cloud and then touch after touch arousal had added to the mix, Ray knew his cheeks were flaming but he couldn't keep those noises in. It was all he could do not to scream into the touch.
He shifted his hips; this was starting to get uncomfortable. Fraser's touch wavered for a second before it continued its tantalizing journey over Ray's heated flesh.
God, this was so good… he rocked slightly with his hips - completely unintended it was like flesh memory or something.
Fraser tried to calm his heart beat by breathing through his nose but that only enforced the smell of Ray's arousal. He didn't have to ask if they had achieved their goal, Ray's hips did the talking beautifully. The only thing he wasn't sure of was what he was supposed to do now?
God knew he was affected enough but Ray would probably want some privacy and Fraser, he gulped, he could go into the bathroom and take care of his need, he could do that. His hands were shaking ever so slightly he was so turned on.
Ray gasped hotly against his pillow, Fraser's hands were pressing against the base of his spine again, as if there were holding him down, as if they were having… Ray moaned at the picture. God, this might be exactly the way Fraser would grip him when he entered him like that… and it finally registered through the haze, that his cock was wetly rubbing against the bedding and that he couldn't keep his hips still, but Fraser was still touching him and he needed, god, he couldn't let Fraser do that, but… oh, he wanted so damn much… but…
Ray willed his last brain cell to form a coherent sentence, he was so blissed out, he didn't mind at all if this went on forever, and ever, and… another moan escaped his lips and he could hear the soft intake of breath from Fraser.
His skin was so hot he felt the flush over the whole of his body. He knew that little beads of sweat were mixing with the oil on his skin and gods, Fraser could probably smell that and… he tried to stop rubbing against the sheet but he couldn't seem to find the right bundle of nerves to accomplish that but his one lonely brain cell seemed to remember what he had willed her to do eons ago…
"S-stop…" It was hardly more than a hoarse whisper but Fraser's hands stilled immediately.
Ray tried to turn around and look at Fraser, but god, it was so hard to focus and all he could see were Fraser's perfect lips and he wanted to kiss them and, no, this was all wrong, he wanted to say something… and now, what had he tried to say?
"You can't Fraser…" he tried to talk around his tongue that seemed to be too big to fit into his mouth and his whole head felt like cotton, "You don't have to, Fraser."
And then he couldn't seem to stop saying his name, "god, Fraser… Fraser…" and he was looking at those lips again and he tried to look at Fraser's face and suddenly there were those blue, blue eyes and they looked smoky and beautiful and Ray gave a soft gasp, "I need…" but it was too much and too big to put it in one sentence and Ray's cock felt nice against the bed, just a bit of friction, damn it, he should stop this… but….
Fraser was mesmerized. Ray had looked at him with those eyes dilated with want, they were almost all pupil and Ray stared unfocused at Fraser's mouth, his lips slightly parted and then Fraser heard that voice, almost at the point of cracking with need and Ray's throat worked frantically, trying to produce words and yet he couldn't keep his hips still and his eyes went unfocused again. Fraser had never seen anything so breathtaking in all his life.
"Ray," he whispered, "it's alright, it's okay. I want to… I need to…" As if in trance Fraser reached one hand around Ray, cupping his groin where Ray was trying to hump the mattress and Ray looked down in wonder at Fraser's hand over his shorts and he gave another thrust of the hips and rubbed his cock right against Fraser's hand and he gave a sound almost like a sob and whispered again "Fraser" and rocked his hips again and Fraser bent forward, pressing his lips to Ray's spine and murmured against his skin, "it's alright, Ray. Let go."
And Ray gave a scream and came, Fraser felt his cock pulse against his hand and felt the wetness seep through the soft cotton of Ray's shorts. Ray simply collapsed on the mattress.
Fraser sat there frozen in shock. What had he done? Every frantic breath he took brought the scent of Ray's come with it and made him painfully aware of the pulsing of his own neglected erection and once Ray regained consciousness this was all going downhill.
This wasn't what he had intended, it was supposed to be about Ray and now Ray would never be able to look him in the eye again and— Ray turned around to look at Fraser and Fraser's breath caught, it was still the same needy look on Ray's face… as if his climax had only whetted his appetite.
Ray's post-coital haze seemed to make him all the greedier. He looked at Fraser's lips as if he was about to starve and then his gaze travelled down and when those eyes hit upon his straining erection his eyes flew up again, a smoldering look directed at Fraser and Fraser tried to open his mouth, to explain about the body's tendency to react to the desire of others but he never got round to it.
Ray's brain was running on auto-pilot. It only knew one sentence and that seemed to be enough, "Fraser touched me, Fraser touched me, Fraser touched me…, " was running through his head in a merry little tune and Fraser just sat there, flushed and gasping and Ray's mouth watered at the sight of Fraser's cock straining against the jeans and that had to hurt but Fraser wasn't touching himself and those lips were pulled into a shocked 'o' and that got to be an invitation because Ray needed it to be and he couldn't have stopped his body from moving for all the restraints in the world.
He pushed up and turned around and Fraser was still sitting there looking shocked and scared and it was the hottest look Ray had ever seen on him and he had to taste it, he wanted it so bad he could taste it on his tongue and he didn't care that his underwear felt wet or that Fraser was still mostly dressed.
Ray climbed into Fraser's lap and just went for Fraser's lips and they opened on a quiet whimper but then Ray's tongue pushed in and tried to taste every bit of Fraser he could find and Fraser moaned into his mouth and Ray rocked against Fraser and what do you know, after weeks of not getting an erection this one was back already and Ray rocked forward again and he bit at Fraser's lips and Fraser was groaning and holding on to Ray's hips for dear life and when Ray bit the tendon of Fraser's neck and the pulse he saw beating there Fraser rocked back and Ray gasped.
Ray's hands came around Fraser's neck and he was panting into Fraser's ear and he couldn't remember the last time he had been so horny and when he moved his hand down between their bodies he felt the heat radiating from Fraser's erection and he pressed his hand against it and this was so much after those last weeks, it was just too much and Ray gave a soft whimper into Fraser's ear, mumbling incoherent stuff, "want this… so badly, Fraser… god, Fraser, so good… I need… fuck" and he traced Fraser's ear with his tongue and Fraser gave a growl and pushed Ray flat onto his back.
Ray arched his back and raised his hips and Fraser was pulling at his shorts and flinging them away and then Fraser moved lower and suddenly Fraser's mouth was wrapped tightly around Ray's cock and Ray's hips surged in shock, "Fraser, god- " Ray exclaimed and Fraser gripped the base of Ray's cock with his hand and swirled his tongue around the head, lapping at the come from Ray's previous orgasm and Ray started shaking.
"Fraser… I… I can't… I…" Fraser felt Ray's cock bob in his hand and looked at Ray in astonishment. Was he that close already? And Fraser just swallowed him down and Ray cried out and Fraser thrust against the mattress and he came up for air again and the tremor was now bad enough to shake Ray's thighs, his hands were fisted into the sheets and he was panting for breath.
Fraser went down on him again, taking him in as far as he could and then he hummed and that was all she wrote, Ray came again with a cry and Fraser rocked one last time against the bed and came with a grunt as well, swallowing around Ray's cock and Ray moaned again before Fraser finally released him carefully.
Fraser's panic from before came back and he was already thinking about the best excuse to leave this instant or better, they should talk about it, they couldn't leave things like that and pretend it never happened, they needed to—he didn't get any further before Ray's hand reached down to entangle in his hair. "Come here." Ray slurred, giving his hair a soft tug. Fraser got on his knees to move the short distance towards the headboard and winced. Coming inside his pants wasn't something Fraser tried to achieve on a regular basis.
Ray smiled softly at Fraser's dismayed expression. "Get out of the mess and then get down here, stay." He was still smiling the smile of the sated and Fraser had a hard time even imagining a downside to this offer. The rational part of his brain said that they should talk about this and then he should leave but the self-indulgent part – the one he only rarely entertained – whispered that Ray wasn't in any condition to discuss anything now anyway.
He started to undress and, indeed, Ray was drifting off to sleep while he watched him. Fraser took a second in the bathroom, cleaning up as best as he could before he sidled in to bed next to Ray. He seriously hoped that Ray would still remember his wish that he stay the next morning.
Fraser woke to the pleasant sensation of being held. He was confused for a second before he slowly opened his eyes to confirm his memory. There was Ray, one arm thrown over his chest, nestled closed and still peacefully asleep. Ray's burgeoning erection was pressed against his hip and Fraser was more than a little surprised. Had he not been present over the course of the last few weeks he wouldn't have believed it possible that Ray had any problems at all in that area.
Fraser didn't dare to move for fear of waking Ray. This was everything he had ever dreamt of. This was what he had never let himself hope for. And he was terrified.
He couldn't possibly gauge Ray's reaction, it might range from hatred to self-disgust to neutral politeness to warm acceptance to… no, he wasn't getting his hopes up. In the worst case they could pretend that it was nothing more than Ray giving in to his sexual needs and the fact that Fraser had simply reacted to Ray's desire and that was it.
If Ray didn't throw a fit and accused him of taking advantage and never wanted to see him again. What if Fraser had ruined everything by trying to help?
Ray's hip moved softly against his and a soft sigh formed on Ray's lips in time to the fluttering of his eyelids. Fraser swallowed, this was it.
Ray's hand around him tightened a bit and Ray pressed his groin a bit more against Fraser's hips. Fraser lay there frozen, too afraid to do anything, really, because he feared that everything he did might be the wrong move.
But Ray seemed in no hurry to wake up fully. He was softly rubbing against Fraser, uttering those breathy moans with every breath he released, and then his tongue crept out to wet his lips and finally his eyelids moved and opened softly.
Fraser held his breath. He looked probably scared stiff but Ray only smiled when he found out who he was holding.
"Fraser…" he breathed and rubbed his groin against Fraser's hip again. Ray's eyes were filled with want again, dark and full of heat and Fraser gulped. He wasn't sure if Ray was really awake.
But Ray closed his eyes for a moment and released a shuddering breath and when he opened his eyes again Fraser gasped at the raw need he found there, Ray was open like a book at that moment and when he uttered his name again in a quiet plea Fraser was compelled to move.
It was beyond the possible strength of any human being to resist this man. Fraser nodded and reached down to grip Ray's cock and Ray tried to get closer, to climb him like a tree and he was moaning in Fraser's ear and Fraser moved his hand down on Ray's cock once, twice before Ray heaved himself on his elbows and climbed on top of Fraser.
His jaw was slack with desire and Fraser couldn't help the surge of lust at this picture of debauchery. He moved his hand slowly, flicking his thumb over the head and Ray cried out. He reached down with one shuddering hand to grip Fraser's cock, trying to match his pulls to Fraser's rhythm.
Ray's eyes were closed but his breath was hot on Fraser's face and he was still moaning and Fraser was gasping in time with Ray's pulls and then Ray looked at him with this hazy look in his eyes, and his hand started to speed up so Fraser tried to match him but a shudder wrecked Ray and Ray closed his eyes tight again and forced out "Don't… don't, Fraser."
He bit his lips and Fraser was nodding and moving into Ray's touch, trying to keep his own hand slow and even and Ray's mouth opened on a moan and he whispered "'m too close…" and he opened those beautiful eyes again and Fraser heaved and came with a shout.
And Ray seemed to have waited for him because the moment Fraser felt his orgasm rip through him he felt Ray's cum splatter across his belly and a moment later he felt Ray's arms shaking with the effort to hold himself up.
Fraser reached for him and pulled him against him. "Shh…" he murmured into Ray's ear, easing him through the aftershock of his orgasm.
And Ray couldn't seem to stop shaking, small quivers that ran through his light frame and Fraser was quietly amazed that he could undo Ray so totally.
They must have dozed off for a little while because the light was different when Fraser opened his eyes the next time.
"We should probably go and get the wolf. He's gonna be pissed because we left him at the consulate." Ray said quietly from the vicinity of his chest.
So, they weren't going to talk about it. Fraser felt almost disappointed. He wanted nothing more than to know where they stood… and what Ray thought about this newest development.
He wouldn't have initiated anything if this wasn't what he wanted, right? And Fraser hadn't made any sexual advances this morning; this had been Ray's choice.
But Ray had been starved for contact and Fraser had been the only option… maybe he was simply a convenience. And none of this meant that it was going to happen again.
But Ray wanted to spend his afternoon with him so at least his worst fears weren't coming true…yet.
He cleared his throat. "Ah, yes, Ray. He would surely appreciate it."
Ray yawned. "You wanna grab the first shower? 'm gonna clean up here a bit." He wrinkled his nose in disgust at the soiled sheets.
"Thank you, Ray." But he couldn't deny that it felt hollow, this impression that Ray wanted to get rid of all evidence of their… shared intimacy as quickly as possible.
Ray sat up and Fraser followed suit, trying to locate his clothes from the night before. Well, his underwear was ruined, so he had to do without. He found his jeans and his t-shirt on the chair near the door and covered himself with those on his way to the bathroom.
The cold light of the morning made everything look unreal, as if they hadn't shared all those heated kisses and feverish touches just a few hours ago.
When he emerged from the shower Ray had already put fresh sheets on the bed and had taken the rest of the wash downstairs to the laundry room. There was tea waiting for Fraser on the table and a few slices of toast.
Ray smiled shyly at him and ducked into the bathroom. An hour later and they were on their way to the consulate. Ray tried his best to pretend that nothing had happened so Fraser imitated him. And even though the talk sounded a bit stilted to Fraser's own ears he was relieved to see that Ray was mostly back to his usual self.
He seemed a bit embarrassed and more than a little unsure of himself but otherwise he appeared to be relaxed, almost happy and the good night sleep had reduced the dark circles around Ray's eyes.
They arrived at the consulate and Fraser excused himself for a second to change into fresh clothes. That left Ray alone with 70 pounds of disgruntled wolf. Ray had tried to explain it but Dief had made it abundantly clear that he found Ray's stammering hilarious so Ray had decided not to elaborate.
Ray felt… he wasn't even sure himself. He had no idea what had possessed Fraser to go along with this. Not only yesterday night but again this morning. It looked as if he was really into this but Ray wasn't sure, Fraser had done a real good impression of a petrified statue this morning before things got rolling… he had seemed eager enough then, though.
Sheesh… with Fraser it could even be possible that he only did this to help him. Noble, self-sacrificing Mountie and all that stuff. But not even Fraser would go that far, right? That was, what's the word? Stupid.
And you couldn't fake a hard-on and Fraser had sported some damn convincing wood there.
Although… well, didn't take much for morning wood and yesterday might have just been the heat of the moment… Shit… Ray had no idea. He just knew that he didn't want to stop.
He didn't know if it was the long time he had gone without or if it was something about Fraser's touch but he had never been this sensitive to someone else's touch and he couldn't even remember if he had been this turned on ever before in his life the way he had been with Fraser yesterday or this morning.
This was like the total eye opener, like Ray had stumbled around half blind searching for something that was right in front of his nose. And because of his - dysfunction- he thought stubbornly – he had finally realized what he should have realized the day he met him - which he actually had, come to think of it.
Fraser was perfect. For him. They were a duet. And it made so much sense...well, to Ray at least. He wasn't sure if Fraser was as taken with him as a partner in all possible ways as he was the other way round.
They took Dief to the waterfront and had hot dogs and sometimes when they walked Ray brushed his hand against Fraser's. A walk turned into an afternoon at the park which turned into dinner and it was only when they left the restaurant that Ray really noticed how restless he felt.
He wanted… Fraser. Again and all night if possible. His whole body felt hot when he thought about it.
But Fraser was still talking about the summer climate in Tuktoyaktuk in comparison to the summers he had spent in Nunavut and it all felt so normal again that Ray wasn't sure how he should ask for it.
He waited for a pause in Fraser's long, drawn out story before he tried to ask casually.
"Hey Fraser, do you maybe uh, dunno, want to go back to my place? We could, uhm, catch a game?" But Fraser saw the way Ray's eyes trailed down his body when he tried to formulate an activity and he felt short of breath in all of a second.
He wasn't sure if that was only Ray's body betraying him or if what Ray was showing was what he was actually asking for.
His mouth was dry. Fraser knew his answer before he even tried to get his tongue to work without any fluids to help. "Yes Ray, I'd like that very much." Anything, everything.
Ray smiled brilliantly at him.
They had been driving for maybe 5 minutes when Ray incidentally remarked "Hey, it's Sunday tomorrow."
Fraser looked puzzled. "Ah, yes it appears that way, Ray."
A slight blush covered Ray's cheeks when he continued. "You don't have anything to do tomorrow, right?"
"No, as you said Ray, since it is indeed Sunday I don't have any duties." He looked outside and wondered why they were driving in the direction of the consulate when Ray had offered that they could spend… oh… it dawned on Fraser then that Ray might be indeed offering more than a baseball game.
"Uhm… you could crash at my place, if you wanted? Just, this way I could have a beer and you wouldn't have to walk all the way back in the middle of the night and I, hey, I got a couch so in case you —"
"Good idea, Ray." Fraser interrupted. It seemed that Ray indeed planned to continue their… tryst.
Fraser felt a tight heat coil in his belly. Of course, this didn't have to mean anything. Ray's libido had been deprived for more than a month it was perfectly natural that Ray should want to prolong the sexual gratification Fraser could provide.
In the end it just didn't matter because Fraser knew that he could not deny himself the chance to experience Ray as a lover again. Willingly and eager and oh so open, it was more than Fraser could turn down.
"I'll just drop you off at the consulate to get a few things then, okay?"
Fraser nodded and was already opening the door when Ray added, "Actually bring something for the wolf, too. No way will I go and get him first thing tomorrow morning." Ray flushed darkly and Fraser wondered if that was because he knew what he had done first thing this morning or because he had very definite plans for tomorrow morning in particular.
He returned a few moments later and Ray took them to his apartment.
Once there they got everything ready for Dief Fraser was silently debating on the best course of action and finally decided that it would be best if he took his cues from Ray.
Ray was twisting his hands in a nervous gesture before he jammed them in his jeans pockets. "You want anything to drink?"
"Water will be fine, thank you."
Ray shrugged and came back with a glass of water and a beer.
Fraser had sat down on the couch so Ray sat down next to him and took a few swigs from his beer.
"Uh… well, I'm sure something's on, right?" He fumbled with the remote and started channel zapping. "Why don't you pick something, Fraser?"
Fraser took the remote from him and went through the channels that were most likely to broadcast anything to their liking while he was wondering what Ray was up to. Maybe he had misunderstood?
He settled on some documentary about the Yosemite National Park – mostly because he wanted to see how long Ray would endure it – but Ray didn't complain.
Ray appeared to be restless, he was shifting from his left to his right and Fraser saw him from the corner of his eye sneaking glances back at him.
Fraser timed his movement and caught Ray staring at him. There it was again this hot and bothered look on Ray's face. Fraser was startled by the intensity of it. He looked back towards the screen and a second later Ray followed suit.
Not even thirty seconds later Fraser felt Ray's gaze again and looked back at him. Ray was looking at him with a hunger in his eyes that made Fraser's spine tingle. Without looking away Ray shifted a bit closer.
Fraser let his arm fall between them, stretching his hand a bit in Ray's direction. Ray looked down at it and moved his own hand a bit closer. Fraser turned his hand around, palm facing up and waited. It took a second but Ray's fingers were hesitantly tracing the lines of his palm.
Fraser looked into Ray's face again and Ray wet his lips. Fraser moved a bit closer and his lips parted in anticipation and that was all the encouragement Ray needed. He flung himself at Fraser, kissing him deeply and greedily as if he had waited the whole day for this taste.
Fraser thought astonished that maybe Ray had waited the whole day.
The moment their lips touched Ray's cock started to harden and Ray moaned softly against Fraser's lips. Fraser cupped Ray through his jeans and Ray whimpered.
"Let me… I want to… taste you." Fraser's eyes went hot at Ray's words. Ray moved down to the floor between Fraser's legs and reached out to open Fraser's jeans.
Fraser's cock was already pushing against the zipper and greeted Ray's hand eagerly.
Ray mouthed him through his shorts and Fraser groaned at the heat of Ray's breath and the bit of teeth that were carefully nibbling at him through the shorts.
Ray reached up to pull Fraser's cock out and he looked at it with such a hungry look on his face that Fraser's breath hitched. Ray leaned in, just tasting him with the tip of his tongue from head to the root and back up again. He licked a broad swipe across the head before he breathed hotly on it, Fraser let his leg splay even wider, giving himself to Ray.
Ray took the head into his mouth and sucked gently on it. He released it again only to start the whole process anew. Ray seemed to have all the time in the world and it was killing Fraser.
"Please… Ray… " he whispered and Ray gave a soft moan before leaning in again, this time swallowing him in one go and Fraser cried out, trying to keep his hips still but Ray pulled back slightly and raked his fingernails over Fraser's thighs, showing him he could let go.
So Fraser did, short stabs, oh so careful and Ray was moaning softly in the back of his throat and Fraser was so close and Ray sucked harder and Fraser dared to open his eyes to burn this picture of Ray on his knees in front of him forever into his memory.
He saw Ray reaching for his own cock and his hands shot out to prevent him from touching himself. He pulled Ray's hands back onto his hip.
"No, Ray… don't" and Ray breathed harshly through his nose and his hips snapped forward on its own accord matching Fraser's own movement.
But he couldn't get any friction and he gave a frustrated sound and swirled his tongue around the head of Fraser's cock on the next inward stroke and Fraser tried to dislodge Ray's mouth but he wasn't about to be pulled off, he just sucked harder and Fraser gasped and came into Ray's mouth and Ray made swallowing sounds and he continued to suck Fraser softly until he had caught every last drop.
Ray pulled back and Fraser softly touched Ray's slightly swollen lips and they parted instantaneously and nipped at his finger. Ray gave a small whimper.
"Fraser…." And Fraser had never heard anyone say his name with such urgency.
Fraser pulled him up and tucked himself away again, he took a second to hit the off button on the remote before he steered Ray into the bedroom. He helped Ray out of his clothes and then made quick work of his own.
When he looked up again Ray was sprawled on the bed, his cheeks flushed and panting, and his legs slightly spread.
Fraser crawled almost on top of him and reached over to the nightstand where the bottle of baby oil was still sitting. He uncapped the top and dribbled a bit of it over Ray's cock. Ray bit his lip and his hips surged upwards. The oil trickled down between his legs and Ray moaned hoarsely.
"Fraser, Fraser please… I need… Fraser… please…" and Fraser swallowed and nodded and started to rub the oil into the skin of Ray's dick. Ray's breathing stuttered and Fraser gave a short pull, "god… oh, god…" Ray moaned.
"You're that close again, aren't you, Ray?" And Ray was nodding frantically, saying "yes, oh god, yes, please… let me come, please… I need to… yes…"
Fraser licked a hot trail around Ray's ear before he whispered hotly. "I want you to hold on, Ray. Think of work, think of baseball, I don't care, just don't come." And it was an order and Ray was whimpering again in despair, all the while Fraser's fingers were busy rubbing Ray's cock and now and then giving him one long pull.
"Anything, Fraser." He gasped breathlessly.
Fraser's fingers trailed lower, behind Ray's balls, his fingers leaving an oily trail and Ray spread his legs even wider and Fraser murmured appreciatively, inserting one of his fingers in one sleek move.
Ray was so ready, Fraser entered another one easily and Ray was flexing his hips trying to get some friction for his cock but Fraser had his hands in a grip shortly above his head.
He hadn't planned on adding a third finger but Ray was almost fucking himself and he was begging for "more, anything… Fraser… " that Fraser couldn't resist.
The third finger was a tighter fit but Ray just pushed back, eager for more and he panted when he finally had all three inside of him.
"Oh god." Ray said in a strangled voice.
Fraser tried to stretch out his fingers inside and Ray's hips snapped up in one sharp motion.
"Fraser." Ray shouted and a dribble of pre-come trailed down Ray's cock.
Fraser tried to reach deeper, looking for that one spot that would result in—
"Argh, oh god… " Ray gasped, "fuck… do that again" so Fraser brushed that spot again and Ray's hips came off the bed again and he moaned loudly.
Fraser let go of Ray's hands and crouched down a bit.
Ray was shaking and his breath was coming in pants.
Fraser leaned forward and took the head of Ray's cock into his mouth, Ray rocked back on Fraser's fingers and he was gone, screaming hoarsely and shooting down Fraser's throat, trying to imbed Fraser's fingers even deeper.
When Ray's cock stopped twitching, Fraser carefully removed his fingers and looked at Ray.
Ray's eyes were closed and his lips were still parted, he lay down next to him and embraced him and Ray just melted into him. He kissed him softly, deeply and in between he heard Ray murmur "oh god... Fraser… so good… so, so good..." Fraser smiled gently and continued to kiss Ray who opened his mouth with an eagerness that was killing Fraser.
Fraser pulled the cover over them and switched off the light. He pulled Ray against him and listened to Ray's even breathing.
He could almost make himself believe that Ray wanted to do this with him specifically and no one else but they hadn't talked about Ray's recovery and that his body was more than in working order.
At least Ray chose to rediscover his sexual pleasure with Fraser. Now that he knew that he simply needed another human touch he could easily go and look for someone else. But he had wanted Fraser to come back with him.
The next morning Fraser wasn't as surprised to find Ray nestled against his back, his hip softly moving against him. Ray kissed him between the shoulder blades and mumbled something that could be taken for "Good morning" before his hand came around Fraser's hip to get nice and friendly with his cock.
They lay in sated silence afterwards and Ray felt so good, he felt confident that a little confession on his part might be in order.
He needed Fraser to understand how special this was to him. And with Fraser 'honest' worked just great most of the time.
"I have to tell you something." Ray spoke quietly against the warmth of Fraser's back. Fraser tried to turn around but Ray tightened his grip. This was easier without Fraser's searching look on him.
"I… I knew the massage would work." Ray swallowed audibly.
"Ah, I see. Well, I am glad that you had so much faith in my abilities." Fraser said.
"No. Heh. That's not it, Fraser. I… knew because I, uh, had a similar reaction to you… earlier." Ray waited with bated breath how Fraser would take this.
"I'm not sure I understand you. You had an erection in reaction to me at some point prior to the massage?" Ray felt Fraser's nape heat up with a light blush. He smiled and pressed a kiss to it.
"I was coming back for a walk and thought, hey, what do you know, maybe the Mountie's still up. So I, uh, broke into the consulate and your door was slightly open so I…" Ray floundered unsure how to go on.
Fraser tried to turn around again but only managed to turn his head in a strained position, wide enough to look at Ray.
"You watched me masturbate?" Fraser's voice was quiet and Ray wasn't sure how to interpret the tone but he was momentarily distracted by Fraser saying 'masturbate' and he had to concentrate on not just jumping the guy again. Ray was trying to make a point here.
"Yeah… I kinda did."
Fraser turned around again, relaxing the strain in his neck. He pondered this revelation for a second.
"And this got a reaction from you?" He asked quietly.
"Only from that." Ray flushed and hid his face against Fraser's back. "Nothing else had any effect whatsoever."
"It could have been a co-" Fraser started.
"-incidence, yeahyeah, except it wasn't… cause… I, uhm… don't get mad, kay? I kinda watched you again in the shower…at my place."
Fraser turned around again and looked at him incredulously.
"Any other moments you were spying on me I should know about?"
Ray swallowed and shook his head.
Fraser nodded slowly.
"So what you are basically saying is that your body's reaction seems to correlate with my own arousal?"
Ray's throat was dry, how could Fraser just go around and talk about stuff like that so casually?
Ray had expected a lot of stuff. He had expected Fraser to get mad over the getting an eyeful, he had expected Fraser to be disappointed that he had played him like that. Well, most of all he had expected Fraser to feel at least pleased, you know, how many people go around telling you 'hey, you're the only thing that turns my crank and I can prove it' or maybe just a bit flattered.
He hadn't expected him to tense up and scramble from the bed with a hasty "Excuse me, Ray. I think I should get a shower."
Ray looked perplexed at the retreating Mountie. This, he had not expected. And it kinda hurt, he just hadn't thought that it would freak Fraser out like this that he appeared to be the only one with the power to turn Ray on at the moment.
Unsurprisingly, Fraser's thoughts went into another direction altogether.
"Calm yourself, Benton." He admonished himself under the spray of the shower.
He had known, deep inside, that there had to be a reason that Ray had chosen him. Yes, he had hoped that Ray had shown conscious choice by inviting him back here.
Fraser just hadn't, in all honesty, thought that he could be the only available option to Ray after all. He had simply assumed that Ray had needed another human touch and had chosen to get it from Fraser… he had not thought that Ray couldn't get an erection from just any other contact he might choose.
Okay, Ray was trying to let him down easy by telling him that he's doing this because he has no other option. He could do this…. He would go with this for as long as Ray let him… even if he couldn't. He couldn't do 'casual', he couldn't simply wish Ray good luck when he discovered that he no longer needed Fraser for his release, and he could not go back to the way things were before – not with all the new memories Ray was creating.
The sad truth was that it was too late for him to turn back now. He didn't have it in him to break it off with Ray now, not when he knew that he could have one more night, one more day, or one more morning with Ray in his arms.
Fraser dressed and left the bathroom, feeling a little uneasy since he didn't know which of Ray's moods he would encounter now after his sudden exit.
But Ray was still sprawled over the bed, the sheet just covering the bare essentials and Fraser's lips felt parched.
Ray leaned up on his elbows and looked at him with a serious expression on his face.
"Hey Fraser, consider a hypothetical situation for me."
Fraser stopped in the middle of Ray's bedroom, maybe a meter away from Ray in all his naked glory and Ray didn't appear enraged or mad and he really wanted him to think about a hypothetical situation? Now? With Ray naked less than a meter away? Maybe Ray was unhinged.
"Ah, certainly, Ray." When Fraser squinted he could almost imagine that the cover was about to slide off of Ray's hip.
Ray grinned slyly at him.
"Imagine you could help someone out, you know, give a hand to someone in a tight spot? Would you still do it if you had to do something absolutely disgusting to help? Something you didn't wanna do no fucking way?"
Fraser rubbed his eyebrow. Ray's mind was really jumpy at times. If Ray was referring to this tasteless TV show he had been watching recently where people had to do vile things to prove some ridiculous notion then—
"Fraser?" Ray asked. "Come on, would you?"
"Ah, well, is the person in life threatening danger if I don't?"
"Nope." Ray shook his head emphatically.
"Would he suffer any life changing damage if I don't? Say, lose a limb or take damage to a vital organ that might leave him impaired?"
"Nu-uh. He would suffer and it wouldn't be pretty but that about covers it. So, would you do something you absolutely do not wanna do?" Ray had the smile of the devil playing on his lips and Fraser took an unconscious step towards the bed.
"Well, then I suppose I would try to help him or her in a capacity I felt more comfortable with or find someone else who might be willing to help in the required manner."
"I see." Ray said and his lips curved into a crooked grin. He slid the bed sheet a bit further down on his hips and Fraser's gaze zeroed in on the newly exposed inches of Ray's smooth skin.
"Ah, you do, Ray?" He licked his lips and raised his eyes to Ray's face.
Ray spread his legs wide and Fraser's cheeks felt hot all of a sudden, his hands clenched and unclenched uselessly at his side.
"Touch me, Fraser. Please?" Ray whispered hoarsely and Fraser simply nodded and went to Ray.
See, Ray didn't get that Detective badge for nothing, he got to figure the small puzzles out and Fraser had certainly improved his skill at reading the details. Whatever had gotten Fraser all flustered before Ray did not think that it was because he was only into this whole sex thing out of pity for Ray. No one would go this far. Not even for queen and country especially not when Ray wasn't even Canadian.
As far as Ray could tell – which was pretty far along at this point, all things considered – Fraser was really into the whole sex thing. But Fraser wasn't really big on the emotional talk and Fraser was usually more of a private guy and maybe it was a bit much to get told that you're it for someone? Those were the really big guns, Ray got that.
They got time, right? So Ray had time to prove to Fraser that this was a good idea, that they were good together that way. And Fraser didn't do casual so the way Ray saw it he already had some good things going for him, now all he had to do was convince the Mountie of it.
The way Fraser melted into him might be taken as a sign that Ray wasn't doing so bad on the convincing part of his plan.
The week progressed and no one was more shocked than Fraser that things didn't change, if anything they intensified.
They worked their usual shift and Fraser had to admit that they had never been this in tune in all the time of their partnership. It felt as if Ray was simply an extension of his own being; that he could trust himself to know what Ray was going to do next or what he needed.
It was amazing. It took Fraser's breath away especially because Ray showed no intention of abandoning their sexual relationship.
Not one day went by where Ray didn't ask him if Fraser wanted to spend time with him after their shift and not one day passed where they didn't end up at Ray's apartment.
And the…the sex… Fraser felt hot just thinking about it. If he had to hazard a guess he would say that there wasn't a single room, or surface, or piece of furniture they hadn't… abused… for some kind of sexual hijinx in the last week.
Fraser never ceased to be stunned by Ray's easy acceptance of his touch, the way he seemed to crave it even and the openness with which Ray came to him time and again… as if there was nothing in the world Ray would rather do than touch Fraser or be touched by him.
The week was almost over now and Ray appeared content with the way things were going but Fraser had been wondering and during the last two days the question had bothered him again and again: what were they doing? Or more precisely, was Fraser still Ray's makeshift solution because he had no other choice or could he, ah, gain an erection all by himself again?
It was Friday night now and they were laying spent in this post-sex haze between Ray's rumpled sheets – Ray had given up washing them every day, now he settled for every two or three days depending on how much time they had spent on getting them dirty – and that little question was again niggling at the back of Fraser's mind.
Ray was drawing lazy circles on Fraser's abdomen, a satisfied smile on his lips and his eyes closed.
"Ray, I've been thinking." Fraser confessed.
Ray's smile changed into a smirk and he raised his head from the spot on Fraser's chest to look at him.
"Color me shocked, Fraser."
"Honestly, Ray." Fraser tried to sound dismayed. "As I've said I have been thinking a lot lately and—"
Ray licked a broad swipe across Fraser's right nipple and relished to hear Fraser's sharp intake of breath.
"Frase, if that's what they are calling it these days you can count me in. I'm good to go."
"No, I-Ray, really."
Ray snickered quietly. "Okay, shoot. I'm listening."
"Thank you. I was wondering if you had tried to, that is if you had the opportunity to… well, what I'm trying to say is that I was wondering—"
"Yeah, you said that already. What's with the wondering?"
Fraser took a deep breath.
"I was wondering whether you were aware if your condition has returned to normal by now?"
Fraser was sure that this must be of great importance to Ray, too. He had assumed that nothing had changed which was why Ray hadn't said anything and he didn't want to spoil the mood now but, well, with one thing and another they had just never talked about it again.
Ray looked sleepily at him and not as if Fraser had made much sense.
"My condition?" Ray made it sound filthy and Fraser tried to stay on track for at least the remainder of this discussion.
"Yes, your, ah, difficulties with achieving a satisfactory bloodflow to certain—"
Ray's eyes got wide.
"Wait, wait, wait, that's Canadian for not getting a boner, right?"
Ray laughed softly. "Should've known what with all the long-winded explanation and stuff."
Ray shrugged. "No idea, really. I haven't tried it."
And he didn't appear very much concerned with it either.
Ray leered at him. "Didn't have much need to, did I?" he waggled his eyebrows.
"Ah, no." Fraser felt a slight blush creeping on his cheeks. Yet, he had expected Ray to take more interest in the subject. Didn't Ray want to be… independent…from him?
Fraser had every intention of bringing the subject up again the next day. However, Ray was rather resourceful when it came to making Fraser lose his mind so he had to admit that he had not been all that effective – although he probably had a love bite for every time he had thought about asking.
Ray just seemed happy with his lot. He was funny and relaxed, he cracked jokes, he was an endless tease and 'sensual' didn't even begin to do Ray justice. And Fraser… well, lately he was pretty convinced that he had opted for his imagination instead of reality one time too often. He hadn't been happy in such a long time he was absolutely petrified now that luck looked exactly the way he had imagined it.
Sitting here on the couch with Ray half-naked and more than just half asleep, caressing his warm skin and enjoying the quiet of the flat was so perfect that Fraser was afraid he might break it.
And yet… he couldn't let this go on. God, it even hurt to admit it. This wasn't real, this wasn't what Ray wanted and it had only been a temporary solution from the very beginning. Well, not in so many words but what other possibility was there?
He wondered if letting Ray go could be any harder than looking at him and knowing he had to lose him?
"Ray." He all but whispered.
"Hm?" Ray's answer transformed itself into a yawn.
"Let's go to bed. You're tired and already half asleep." He couldn't keep the smile out of his voice. Ray was endearing like this.
Ray scrunched up his nose as if he was debating that point.
"Carry me." He demanded petulantly.
Fraser was on the verge of disagreeing but then he thought better of it. What was the harm?
"Okay." He said quietly before he untangled himself from Ray and stooped to pick him up.
Ray's arms came around him and he nuzzled his chin.
Fraser was surprised how lithe Ray felt. The true agility of a dancer… or a boxer. Fraser smiled mischievously, Ray resembled a terrier; small and tenacious but on the whole quite good natured and a sucker for affections.
Ray blinked an eye open. "You're grinning, that can't be good." He yawned unconcerned.
"Nevermind, Ray. Let's get you to bed." Fraser tried to smother his grin.
God, he was a goner… and even that was something Ray would say. How was he ever supposed to go on without Ray? After being offered so much more than he had ever imagined how could he make himself let go of Ray?
Luckily for Fraser he didn't have to think about it on Sunday because he hadn't been prepared for something like that to happen and when it did he needed all his faculties to think about this particular riddle.
In hindsight Fraser wasn't even sure if it actually did happen or if it was simply another fancy of his imagination.
Sunday was different for a few points. One was that it was one of the very first days in which mundane, real life intruded on them. There was nothing even remotely edible left in Ray's apartment and if Ray didn't want to go to work naked he would also have to do laundry today.
This meant that Ray wasn't particularly keen to get out of bed to start with – had Fraser asked him Ray would have confided his theory to him that it stayed morning as long as you just didn't get up in the first place, so Ray would not have to do any of those things. For as long as they never left the bed it would continue to be Sunday morning, yes, Ray was aware that he was a fucking genius.
However, Fraser didn't ask for that particular urban myth and Diefenbaker was starting to get bored with the two of them so he had had no intentions of letting them stay in bed any longer than it took for the sun to be up.
And Fraser didn't even know why he had to be the responsible one that took Dief for a walk and then argued for going shopping when all he really wanted was to stay in bed with Ray as well.
Old habits died hard, he supposed.
There hadn't even been time for morning sex because Diefenbaker had been so very insisting and when they came back Ray had already managed to leave the bed and get dressed and Fraser worried that if he started to undress Ray now they would never manage to leave the house.
Once the grocery shopping was done Fraser managed to persuade Ray to tackle the laundry right away; arguing that this would leave them more uninterrupted time later on.
The washing machine needed exactly 62 minutes before they should put the wet clothes into the dryer so Fraser decided to prepare some food in the mean time; this time arguing that sustenance was needed for every kind of activity.
He hadn't known how exhausting it was to resist Ray. But that may have been because he didn't really want to resist.
It wasn't before they had finished eating and Ray went down to collect the laundry while Fraser did the dishes that it came to Fraser that they had managed to accomplish all the chores they had to do today.
Apparently Ray had the same epiphany on his way back up because he simply put the laundry basket down right in the hallway and came up to Fraser who was still standing at the sink with soapy hands and embraced him from behind.
"God… I've waited all day to touch you." Ray whispered fiercely into his ear and Fraser shuddered in anticipation.
Fraser turned around in the embrace and fisted his still wet hands into Ray's shirt before he pulled him in for a bruising kiss.
When he released him, Ray looked flushed and a bit lost. "Bed." He croaked and Fraser went with him in a heartbeat.
On the way to the bedroom Ray started to strip off his shirt and Fraser was so distracted by all this newly exposed skin that he almost forgot to get rid of his own shirt.
He caught Ray at the doorframe and slung his arms around him, pulling him back against his chest.
Ray groaned and exposed his neck to him, laying his head against Fraser's shoulder. Fraser stroked down Ray's chest, feeling the lean muscles until he reached Ray's jeans. He stroked over the bulge there and Ray's breathing stuttered.
Fraser undid the button and pulled the zipper down. Ray bit down on his lower lip in anticipation.
"Ray." Fraser whispered against Ray's ear in a mixture of delight and shock. His hand traveled inside Ray's jeans and found the smooth skin of his cock, already leaping eagerly in his hand.
Ray gave a breathless laugh.
"Heh, told you laundry was urgent."
Fraser mouth was dry, the thought of Ray spending the whole day without wearing anything underneath was… vividly erotic.
Fraser had long since found out that Ray was impatient and that he could entice him to do the wickedest movements if tried. He closed his hand around Ray's cock, moving his thumb across the head again and again and Ray was whimpering already but Fraser didn't move his hand and Ray's chest was heaving with the effort to stay still.
Fraser licked at Ray's pulse point beating at his throat and Ray gave a grunt and snapped his hips up into Fraser's hand.
"Ohhh… yeah… " he moaned.
Fraser had never seen anything as mesmerizing as Ray seeking out his pleasure.
Fraser pressed his own erection into Ray who ground back against him. Fraser pressed his lips together to keep the moan muffled. Ray continued to move his hips forward and then pressed back to his own internal rhythm and it was driving Fraser out of his mind.
He took his hand from Ray's cock and started to pull Ray's pants down. Ray helped him and threw the jeans and his socks into the next corner. He turned around and grinned at Fraser a bit self-consciously but his grin died on his lips when he saw the determined look on Fraser's face. He swallowed and backed away towards the bed.
Fraser smiled stealthily. Ray loved it when Fraser just went for it.
Ray hit the edge of the bed and sat down. Fraser stopped in front of him and knelt down, he spread Ray's legs and moved in between them, never taking his eyes off him. Ray's cock was softly dripping pre-come and Fraser reached out to smear it over Ray's cock, Ray bit his lips and whimpered softly, his legs spreading even further on their own accord.
Fraser started to jerk Ray off, never looking away and Ray kept staring back, even when his eyes went glassy and he couldn't focus properly anymore, his mouth half open and panting for breath and when Fraser started to dip his head towards Ray's leaking cock Ray gave a desperate moan.
He lapped softly at the pre-come, cleaning Ray's cock and Ray's legs started trembling softly, and Fraser was amazed that the wait today had shortened Ray's level of endurance to this extent.
He looked up at Ray and saw that he had his eyes closed, his head leaning slightly forward, soft shadows from the afternoon sun on his face and a bit of a blush covering his cheeks. Ray was beautiful like this, gasping and needy and loving every minute of it… Fraser wasn't sure if he was torturing Ray or himself with his slow pace.
But he wanted… god, he needed this to last… he couldn't bear to think of it being over too quickly—he needed… oh, this was a terrible idea… but he wouldn't be able to stop himself… the possibility to possess Ray, at least this once in his life… he had to focus not to come from the thought alone.
"Ray." Ray opened eyes dark with desire and Fraser unconsciously licked his lips.
"Spread out on the bed." Ray nodded and moved up to the middle of the bed.
Fraser stood up and undressed the rest of the way.
He picked up the oil from the nightstand and Ray spread his legs in answer to the unspoken question.
Ray usually didn't last very long with this… but this time Fraser had no intention of stopping.
Fraser slicked up three fingers and Ray's eyes grew a shade darker just watching him.
Fraser dipped down to kiss Ray and felt Ray's tongue plunge eagerly into his mouth, desperate for some friction and just something, some outlet some way to feel and god… Fraser entered Ray with one finger and Ray tore his mouth away and gasped for breath.
Without waiting for Ray to draw a breath Fraser added a second finger. Ray's hips moved back against him and Ray moaned hoarsely. "Fraser….ah…. fuck… I can't…"
Already Ray's hips picked up the rhythm and Fraser tried to distract Ray by kissing him again and Ray gladly focused on Fraser lips, and tongue and mouth and just fucking breathing and god, this was so hot… and it wasn't enough not nearly… but he couldn't find the words, he only knew one word so he said that one instead, "Fraser", over and over again, "Fraser… Fraser" in a plea for more and maybe Fraser understood or maybe Fraser couldn't wait any longer but Fraser gave him a third finger and that was better, that was better than great, that was… just what he needed.
"God… Fraser… oh, god… don't stop…"
And Ray's stomach muscles rippled and his cock dribbled a little puddle of pre-come down onto his abdomen and Fraser pushed against Ray's sweet spot, again and again and he was sure that Ray could probably come just from that.
"Ray,..." Fraser tried to get the words into the right order. "Turn around."
And Ray looked miles away but he nodded and when his body followed Fraser's order, Fraser pulled his fingers out to let Ray complete the move. Ray whimpered softly, "god… Fraser… oh, please… "
Ray was half way on all fours and Fraser moved behind him, entering him again first with two fingers and after a few rolls of Ray's hips a third one again and Ray was moaning greedily and pushing back and Fraser looked at the sight of Ray sweaty and flushed, snapping his hips again and again and he reached out to keep Ray's hips still and his hand closed around Ray's side, his thumb pressing against the base of Ray's spine and he gripped a bit tighter.
And Ray felt like this spot on his back had forever waited for Fraser's hand, that it had Fraser's name written on it and he remembered the moment from the massage and god, this was how he had imagined it and then Fraser curled his fingers around his cock just so and Ray tensed and moved back in a sharp snap of the hips before he cried out and came, shaking apart and gasping for breath and he wasn't sure where up and where down was but it didn't matter because Fraser was still there and as long as he was there Ray just didn't care…
..and… "gooood", Ray moaned, long, and drawn out, desperate and fucked out, because Fraser-Fraser just didn't stop, his fingers were still moving inside of him, rubbing that spot and Ray, he didn't think he could take anymore… but he could, and it felt like floating and "fuck…" he was still wanting more and Fraser was taking these shuddering breaths, like he was about to fall apart and god, that turned Ray on like nobody's business and Fraser hadn't come and maybe… "ahh… Fraser… I… " maybe Fraser would…
"Ray…can I… I want to…" Fraser's voice was hoarse and strained and Ray was nodding frantically, panting, "yes… god… Fraser… fuck me…"
And suddenly Fraser was right behind him, pressed close and Ray could feel the blunt head of his cock pressing against him and the cool slick of the lube against his heated skin, but he didn't care….he needed this… and he was boneless and his body couldn't tense even had he wanted to…
Fraser's hands were right there, pressed against the small of Ray's back and somehow those were like the only things keeping Ray grounded, they were the center of the universe or something and Fraser was inside of him, all the way and Ray started shaking…. "Fraser… oh my god… " but Fraser was moving now, all restraint gone and he was making these deep moans and he was hitting this spot inside of Ray, over and over again…
This was complete overload, Ray couldn't even form words in his head anymore. There was nothing more than this feeling and he was hard again and he felt so close to coming he could taste it on his tongue and then he felt Fraser trembling and god… wasn't that the most incredible thing he had ever felt and Fraser was groaning out his name and he felt Fraser's cock pulse and that was it… Ray was lost, shouting wildly without conscious thought "FRASER…. Ah… god, I love you…. Ahhh" and he came, feeling Fraser coming inside of him and Ray simply collapsed; down for the count.
Fraser's arms felt like rubber and his legs even more so. He carefully disengaged himself from Ray and stared at him in utter shock. Had Ray known what he had just said? But Ray's breathing was already evening out and his eyes were closed and Fraser was too shaken to even contemplate rousing him.
He snuggled up behind Ray and pulled him close, inhaling the scent of sex and sweat and if he could have preserved one moment in his life he would have chosen this one.
When he opened his eyes it was already dusk outside, Ray was quietly awake, drawing patterns on his chest. When he realized that Fraser was awake he smiled softly at him.
"Hello, Ray." Fraser smiled back. He felt such tenderness for this man, his throat felt tight.
Ray's stomach grumbled and he grinned slightly embarrassed.
"I don't wanna get up." He admitted. "But we could do with a shower… and I wouldn't say no to a bite to eat."
"Why don't you get a shower and I'll see what I can do for dinner?" Fraser offered.
"Fraser, you're the best. Did anybody ever tell you that?"
"No, actually." Fraser smiled and Ray grinned back easily. He skipped to the bathroom and Fraser put on his shorts – no use putting on more clothes when he was in as much need of a shower as Ray was - and went into the kitchen.
While he was preparing something to eat he pondered about Ray's behavior. Either he was unconcerned about his love declaration or he didn't remember saying anything like that. He sighed. It was quite possibly the latter; he couldn't imagine that Ray would be this calm about something of this magnitude.
And if he didn't remember… did it follow that Ray had not meant it? Or simply that he had not intended to disclose it? But wasn't there a saying that you could never believe anything that was said during sex?
He stirred the sauce for the pasta. What if it was true? Ray padded barefoot in the kitchen.
"Hey, so what's for dinner?"
"Spaghetti. I'm afraid, I was terribly unoriginal."
"Nah, Spaghetti is great. Hop under the shower, I'll watch the sauce. I can do that. I can even cook noodles." He shoved Fraser in the direction of the bathroom.
In the end, Ray never said anything about his confession and Fraser didn't have the courage to ask him, too afraid of his own luck which usually let him down in the most spectacular fashion.
On Tuesday, Fraser had duties at the consulate in the evening. Ray had not really listened… at least no to what Fraser was saying with his mouth. He had listened closely to what Fraser's body was telling him, that he was sorry, that his hands were already itching to touch Ray again, that he deeply regretted to miss out on an evening in his company.
A smile played around the corner of his mouth. Fraser was easy to read lately. Maybe because he had allowed Ray to get closer than anybody else or maybe because Ray had simply spent so much time with him and had observed Fraser in almost every imaginable situation.
Ray had a good feeling about his plan. Fraser hadn't said anything but watching him now Ray was dead certain that he had already convinced him of this new level of partnership.
How could Fraser ignore how great they were together? They worked better and they didn't fight as often - probably because Ray was so much easier to handle when you gave him a physical outlet when something bothered him… and heh, Fraser was all over the physical.
And the sex was…uh, Ray had known that Fraser, well, he was dedicated, so he probably should have guessed that sex with Fraser was more than just a little breathtaking, But the reality was so much better that it was almost ridiculous.
So, Ray dropped Fraser off at the consulate – he even parked around the corner to sneak a feverishly hot kiss – and drove home by himself. For the first time in more than a week.
The apartment seemed strangely empty and it definitely needed some cleaning. Ray sighed… well, better do it now than when Fraser could come over again.
He put on some music and got started. When he was finished he was sweaty and weird pieces of dust and grime were sticking to his skin.
He surveyed himself with some disgust. Shower, definitely. Standing under the water Fraser's question from last weekend came back to him. Ray had simply not tried it again. Mostly because he hadn't expected anything to happen and, like he said to Fraser, he hadn't really needed to because Fraser had more than made up for it.
"Okay…" he cracked his neck and tried to focus on one of his fantasies. He snorted at the mere thought of it. It had been weeks since he had started thinking about Fraser and his head was full of him. He simply didn't want to think about any blond chicks or hot witnesses when he could think about Fraser instead. Or rather – he simply couldn't think of anything but him.
Ray didn't have to think hard before other parts of him were already finishing his train of thought for him. Ray was so surprised he almost slipped.
He didn't even want to do anything about it, hell, he'd rather save it for Fraser. Instead he scrambled out of the shower and got dry and dressed in record time.
Ray reached for the telephone and dialed. It rang only 3 or 4 times before someone picked up.
"Canadian Consulate, Constable Benton Fraser speaking . Consulat du Canada—"
"Fraser!" Ray interrupted excitedly.
"Ray, did anything happen?" Fraser asked, already on alert.
"No, yes, it's… Fraser, it's working again!" Willing every particle of his voice to survey his meaning.
There was a short pause on the other side of the line.
"Ah… you're condition has returned to normal, I take it?"
"Yes! And I know you said it would, but I wasn't so sure and… you were right. Damn it, Fraser, you were absolutely right!" Ray was giddy with joy.
"I… Congratulations, Ray."
Ray frowned, okay it was only his own body and everything but he had expected a bit more enthusiasm from Fraser.
There was an uncomfortable pause in their conversation.
"So…uh, party's still going on?"
Fraser cleared his throat.
"Ah, yes. No end in sight, I'm afraid."
"Oh, okay." Secretly, Ray had hoped that Fraser might be able to come by later. "Then I'll see ya tomorrow, right?"
"Yes, Ray. Good night."
Ray hung up. God, he felt awful. Why the heck did he feel awful? He had just received some great news and he had shared them with Fraser… wasn't that supposed to make everything even better?
The next morning Ray was anxious to see Fraser. He was afraid that he might've reconsidered the situation. That the evening alone at the consulate might have led to second thoughts.
He was impatiently rifling through folders and case notes without really working on anything, just waiting for Fraser to arrive.
When he finally did Ray damned the whole station that he couldn't greet him like he would if they were alone. Instead he went for a pat on the shoulder and a warm "Morning" and Fraser smiled and nodded and then it was just another work day and Ray was going crazy.
He was trying to gauge Fraser's mood, trying to see if anything was different but it just wasn't possible. And by the end of the shift Ray was almost too nervous to ask Fraser if he wanted to come back to Ray's place.
They were walking towards the parking lot and Fraser hadn't said anything about any plans later but he hadn't asked Ray about his either and… he should just ask.
"Frase… uh, hey, you got somewhere you have to be now?"
"Ah, no. Not exactly, Ray." Fraser rubbed his eyebrow and Ray thought, okay, at least Fraser is nervous, too.
"You wanna come home with me?" And Ray wanted to say more, like what he intended to do to Fraser once they were behind closed doors and how Ray had wanted to touch him the whole day through and that his lips were burning he wanted to kiss him so badly, but he couldn't get the words out so the sentence just ended with this simply question.
"I—" Fraser almost looked surprised. "Yes, Ray. I'd like that." And the smile he gave looked like the one he especially reserved for Ray and that felt better, that felt like everything was alright and Ray relaxed a bit. But Fraser was strangely distant in the car again and Ray practiced his freaking out skills again because nothing had changed really, right? And yet it was all weird and he didn't get it.
Ray ascended the stairs to his apartment and he felt tense like it was his first date and he tried to relax, this was Fraser after all, but he was still nervous and his mouth felt dry when he unlocked the door and let them into his apartment.
Fraser entered behind him and placed his hat on the small table in the hallway and Ray turned towards him and suddenly he couldn't wait any longer, Fraser was there, and touchable and he needed to assure himself that Fraser's lips were still as soft as they had been yesterday and he pressed Fraser against the wall and – that was wrong, Fraser was usually not this easily manhandled but Fraser was looking surprised at the onslaught and Ray was maybe about two inches away from Fraser's lips when he stopped and moved back a bit to look at him.
"Fraser—what?" He didn't even know what to ask for.
"I… you still want…?" Fraser let the rest of the sentence unfinished and Ray finally took a step away, but his hands were still gripping Fraser's uniform and he looked at Fraser with confusion.
"Why shouldn't I, Fraser?" he wasn't even angry, he honestly didn't get it and it came as something of a shock that Fraser and he weren't on the same page here after the last week of almost knowing what the other was thinking.
"I, ah, I thought that, well since your situation isn't applicable anymore I assumed that—"
"Fraser!" Ray interrupted annoyed. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Everything, Ray." Fraser blurted and Ray looked shocked and even more confused.
"How come?" Ray asked puzzled. "What does it matter if I can touch myself whenever I want? Didn't have to the last week, so why does it matter now?"
Fraser's eyes looked big and…kind of hopeful which confused Ray even more. Talk about mixed signals.
"You mean you, ah, didn't continue our…" Fraser was searching for the right word and Ray had to grin despite himself. He'd done it; he had rendered Mr. Dictionary lost for words.
"Relationship?" Ray said in a firm voice, braving the gap between them with a step closer again. Hell, Fraser wanted him to put it all on the line, he would.
Fraser's eyes went hot.
"Right. So, you didn't continue our – relationship – because you didn't have another option for sexual release?"
He was going to kick Fraser in the head after all.
"Fraser, what kind of jerk do you think I am? That's just, - that's stupid. Why would I do that if I…" he floundered before he found the voice to come out and say it, "if it wasn't what I wanted?"
Fraser's hands twitched as if he wanted to reach for Ray and Ray would be one very thankful Chicago cop if Fraser could get with the program already and ravish him – or the other way round, Ray wasn't particularly picky.
"You want this?"
Ray kept the frustrated sigh inside with his last shred of patience.
Fraser licked his lips.
"You want…me?" The 'me' was said so softly that affection welled up in Ray despite his irritation.
Ray rolled his eyes.
"If you're waiting for any dramatic declarations you got the wrong guy, Fraser. But yeah, for as long as I got breath in my body, you got me."
Fraser's eyes lighted up like a Christmas tree. And suddenly Ray was assaulted by 190 pounds of Canadian Mountie.
So he had been right, Ray mused, honesty really did work best with Fraser.
He pushed against Fraser's chest trying to get another word in.
"What about you, huh, Fraser?"
"Ohhh, Ray…" Fraser sighed and kissed him again until his knees were weak. Damn, Fraser was good at this.
"So I finally got you convinced, hm?" Ray said self-satisfied.
Now Fraser looked confused.
"Convinced, Ray? Ah, I'm sorry I wasn't aware that you were trying to convince me. Of what exactly may I ask?"
Ray stabbed him in the chest.
"Of us, as partners …like this, Fraser."
Fraser smiled like the cat that got the canary.
"That was you convincing me, this last week?"
"Uh, yes." Ray looked a bit embarrassed.
Fraser licked his lips again.
"Maybe I need some more convincing."
"Fraser, you—" and it finally registered what Fraser was saying. "Really?" Ray asked delighted. He was all over that.
"I'm afraid so. It might take awhile."
Ray grinned. The Mountie was doing the sex talk, who'd have thought? Heh, finally they were on the same page again.
Just an inch before Ray's lips met his, Fraser murmured:
"And I love you, too, Ray." He grinned slightly.
"Who said anything about—" but Ray's protests were smothered in Fraser's kiss.