I don't own Chuck et al.

Wepdiggy owns the Sam 'verse. My people are still waiting to hear from his people. Nice (Nice, flocking great!) to see a new one from him too.

Deep Voiced Man: Previously, in the Sarah vs The Fan Fiction 'verse;


"You know this is a waste of time?" said Chuck, as he did some last minute fiddling on his computer.

"I've been saying that since I met you, you idiot."

Chuck straightened up and addressed the other two in his room. "Look, I've been reading these fictions for some time now. No flashes. Nada. Zip. And so-oooo, say hullo to my leedle frien" as he theatrically pushed the return stood facing his audience. Casey just looked, well, like Casey. Sarah looked at him proudly.

And then….

They both were looking at his screen with raised eyebrows. What?

Chuck turned to look at the results.

51,314 results found in 3.2 seconds.

"What! No! That's not right!"

*Grunt* (I may just go back to bed, and cry for a little bit.)



She realised (after blood flow slowly returned to her brain) that one of the desperately hungry moans was coming from her own traitorous throat.

"Um…." she untangled her leg from where it had found its way around behind Chuck all by itself. He brought his hands back from where they'd headed without a conscious thought from him. They separated a little, panting.



"Sorry…..I should…"


"...Sarah, we should... shouldn't... "

"...we can't..."

They almost lasted a full second. Their eyes never left each others during the moment that dragged for eternity.

And then they were back in each others arms.

It transpired that Sarah had found the condoms also.

The General vs Fan Fiction Part 2:

"Back to the search engine"


"Good morning to you too, Charles. Welcome back to Burbank."

"What are you doing here? Why are you a green shirt? Is there a mi..." Chuck looked around, blatantly checking for spies "A mission?" he concluded in a loud whisper that could be heard over at the check-outs.

"Mission? Ah, yes. I'm here on a mission. Do you, perchance remember some weeks ago, when I passed on a message from Dianne? You were having some problem with some search doohickie of yours?"

"Well, yeah. But the FBI? Witness Protection? I was a hostage, Roan."

"And Dianne sympathises with your little problem there, Charles" Actually, Roan was pretty sure that Dianne did not sympathise, but being a spy meant you had to elongate the truth, once in a while. "But you've opened this proverbial can of worms, and we, meaning you, need to solve the problem" Roan gestured to Chuck's chest.

Roan rechecked the Buy More. There still wasn't a bar, and these days, you couldn't even smoke indoors anymore. Disappointed.

"So, Charles. Will you, for the love of God, please get her the right answer, so I can get out of this... place. There are skimpily clad women in a beachside bar, somewhere else, who desperately need my attention."

"For the greater good, I'm sure." Chuck muttered under his breath "Look, I'll see what I can do" he concluded audibly.


"Bartowski!" bellowed Big Mike from his customary position of just outside his office door. That was as far onto the sales floor he felt comfortable venturing once actual customers, or staff for that matter, were able to enter the store.

"Big Mike, good morning to you too." Said Chuck as he headed towards the store manager.

"Good to have you back, son. Did you have a good time? Notice anything different?"

"You're running low on bearclaws? Did you want me to send Skip to grab some..."

"I'm talkin' 'bout the store, son. The new guy. I saw you talkin' to him just now."

"...Yeah, Roan. Was it Roan? Seems Okayyy..."

"OK! Son, he's more than OK. You should see him with the ladies. It's like he's been trained in the art of seduction. Hell, he could give lessons. The desperately middle aged housewives love him. And the young hot ones too. Know what I'm sayin? I've sold more sad and lonely, weepy chick flicks in the past two weeks than in the past two years. That man is a genius!"


"Agent Montgomery. Chu... the asset informs me you have been posted here to provide assistance in ..." Sarah glanced over at the nerd herd desk.

"Please, agent Walker. Provide assistance? I know nothing about computers. Dianne felt I had let her down the last time I was here. So I now perform penance here in the retail sector." The two spies wandered the DVD aisles, until the nerd heard desk was in clear view.

He interrupted himself to speak to a customer "Good morning Miriam. See? I told you, you would find that diverting. Now excuse me, I'll be with you in just a moment." He said to the forty-something woman clutching a DVD to her bosom, and gazing at Roan with hope glistening in her eyes.

They left the house-frou to continue her wandering and gazing.

"Have I told you of the time I was shipwrecked in the Aegean? In all honesty, I think I was thrown unceremoniously overboard, but shipwrecked sounds so much better, don't you think?"

Roan paused, and pretended to notice Sarah for the first time "You know, your eyes are the exact same color as the waters surrounding the little island where I washed up, and was rescued by the incumbents of a school for wayward girls..." he drifted off with a little smile to himself.

Roan noticed her reaction at the sight of the tall nerd at the desk. And his reaction to the sight of her.

"Ahh. Things have progressed, I see. During the FBI situation, I assume. Well, you've had most of three weeks to be at it, so the pair of you should have most of it out of your systems by now. Not a word to Dianne, you have my word. I do know how to keep a secret, you know."

"Um..." she was a tad flummoxed.

"Please. Forget what I do for a living? Now if you'll excuse me, I feel I need to speak to Charles. Remind him again of why I'm here. Charles! A word in your shell like?"

Roan place a fatherly hand on Chuck's shoulder "Charles. Fix that damned problem of Diane's. Now, re yourself and our young Miss Walker. Bravo."


"Your secret is safe with me. Be patient with her Charles, spies aren't used to this. And Agent Walker? Her especially. I'm guessing you will have to pretend that you're not together, in order that you can still be together?"

Chuck nodded in a vague manner. Roan continued "Be patient. She's still a spy. At some point you may find she is tempted by a mysterious spy, or two. Who knows? You may even be tempted by a beautiful spy yourself. I know you don't believe me now, but these things happen. Be patient." He desperately wanted a cigarette about now, but it wasn't his 'break' for another hour.

"What happened. You seem distracted. A lover tiff?"

"No, it's that stupid search engine. I've found even more result this time."

"Well, I have all the confidence in you. Just remember, there are still scantily clad young ladies waiting for me. No pressure then."

Roan returned to the small queue that had formed in the DVD aisles "Now, Miriam, where were we?" he inspected her selection "Oh no, As Good As It Gets isn't for you. Now, let me see... Good morning, Joan. Back so soon? I won't be but a moment..."


Ellie opened the door. Sarah was standing, a little shyly just outside.

"Sarah! Hi! Come in."

"Thanks Ellie. Is Chuck...?"

"He's locked up in his room. Muttering. Is something wrong? When you got back last week, the pair of you were... you couldn't keep your hands off each other, but then... the last few days, all you two do is just look longingly at each other. What's he done?"

"No! He's been ... he's perfect" she answered with honesty and a shy smile. "It's just that while we were in protection... he had this idea. Some sort of... I don't know. You know what he's like with computers. I'm guessing he's still having troubles with it."

"But the Witness thing was..." Ellie was bouncing on her toes with a hopeful smile.

Sarah's slow smile was the answer Ellie wanted. Ellie grabbed her hands, trying to bounce Sarah too.

"It was a little nervy at first. We both were so scared the first night; I don't think we got much sleep." Sarah answered with partial honestly. There was a different reason they didn't get much sleep. And she didn't need to tell her boyfriend's sister that.

Sarah knocked before opening the bedroom door. "Chuck?"

"Sarah? Hi!" Chuck was grateful Sarah had kept Ellie in tow. That meant he had a valid excuse to kiss his secret girlfriend while they were on camera.

Ellie's cough brought them up. Maybe they kissed a little too long. They needed more practice, obviously. Not the kissing, they were pretty good at that. Mind you, more practice couldn't hurt.

No, what they needed was more practice restraining the kiss while in public. This could take years.

"Did we have a... did I forget..."

"Just wanted to see how you're doing. I need an excuse to see my boyfriend?"

"Sarah? Ellie's gone now." She reluctantly released his hands.

"Right. So, you're back to the search engine? Roan mentioned something."

"Yeah. I'm just... stuck, you know? I've gone through the code about five times. Rewritten whole slabs..."

"You need a break. ...I've an idea. How about..." she paused, and with a smile, she pulled her phone out, and called "Casey, is it OK if Chuck stands down for the night? He's stuck and I think..."

Chuck couldn't quite hear what Casey said.

"Not all of us think about sex all the time, Casey."

OK, that was a number seventeen grunt, you could hear it from across the courtyard.

"Look, see if we can have clearance to stand down until tomorrow. Yes I'll hold." She wouldn't make eye contact with Chuck. "Thankyou, I'll have him back for you tomorrow."

"OK, what's going..."

"I'm going to get you drunk, Mr Bartowski."


His owner called him 'Sharkie' but he didn't know that. His thoughts rarely strayed much past swimming and wondering if it was time to eat soon.

And then he saw his nemesis return.

This monster from the other world had tried to kill him once before, but he was able to fight her off. The monster still scared him though, so he tried to swim away, and hide. That was when Sarah and Chuck entered her hotel room.

The food giver with the yellow fins on top spoke.

"Carina! What are you doing... What's wrong with Sharkie?" she rushed to the fish bowl, as Sharkie swam in frantic circles, desperately trying to find the corner.

"You call your goldfish Sharkie?"

"Hi Chuckie! Sarah. I've got thirty six hours before I can connect to, I don't know, some speck somewhere in the Pacific."

The two girls hugged. Carina was annoying, but she was still Sarah's friend.

Carina noticed it, from the way Sarah hugged her... it was like she...

"Oh my God! You two finally did it! Was he any good?" She held Sarah back to judge her face. "Ooooh, that good..." Carina swung her attention to Chuck now, a sardonic smile on her face.


"Chuckie, I'm impressed. What's he got in there, Walker?" she asked, holding her hands an improbable distance apart.

Sarah sighed. "Carina..." she started.

"Tippy top secret. Got it. Come on, tell me all."

"Well, let me get changed, and we'll all go out. He's got some computer problem, and I thought if his subconscious worked on it while I plied him with alcohol, that would solve it. So you might as well come along too."

"Ooh, I've just got to see this" Carina changed focus to Chuck "You haven't partied until half of the Cats have got you in a fountain while..."

"Carina! That's ... classified. And ... classified. And it was a mission"

"OK, look. I appreciate the offer, but I just need to work my way..."

Sarah took him by the shirt "Look, we have the time off. You are drinking." She eased off a bit "Just, well don't let her drag you near any water features..." Sarah paused to glare at Carina, who wasn't pretending to not watch them.


The Hilton. Fourth beer/Cable Car depending on your gender. No pain.

"...an the guy's flat on his back, while the other idiot is trying to give 'im CPR... An he's still alive. Smoking. See? He was smoking. And covered in little cuts, like here, here, here an here... Hi honey" Chuck smiled brilliantly while he interrupted his demonstration to the cut locations on Carina's thigh as Sarah came back. She smiled sweetly at the pair of them. Chuck took the hint and sat back up straight. Sarah sat close to him.

Post fifth drink toilet break.

"It's funny, I'm trying to get him to flirt with me, and the instant you come back into view, he can only can see you. What is it about this town? I've had no luck here since..."

Sixth-th little drinkie-poos.

"It's my frien, Morgan. He wants to be speaking to you. Well, I told him where I was, and who I was with."

Carina took the phone "Martin? Not gonna hap-pen" she hung up. "If I can't get any, nobodyz getting any."

Eighth. It was eight? Right? And you're right, mojitos are tasty and fun to say.

""Rina, put the nice man back down. It's OK, we'll leave. Samoan, right? Oh, Maori. Well, they build 'em big over there. Sar? I don' think he likes the little um-brella right there."

"You know what I feel like?"

"I know what I want to feel like" said Sarah draping her arms around her man.

"Noooo. A kebab. I wanna late night lamb sandwich."

Not sure. Were we keeping count? There was definitely another bar in there somewhere, I'm sure

"Oh, look. A fountain. I love fountains" she began to drag Chuck to the water. Chuck looked a little panicked, and appealed for help

"Carina? Help me."

Some liquor store somewhere, God knows where.

"No, its three parts gin."

"You sure?"

"You're aksing me now? This was your idea."

"I know, hey mister?"

Sarah's hotel room. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

"...well, yes the're cowboys. But ther in space. See? Space. Space cowboys. I cried the firs time I saw Upolla thirteen. Three times." He held up either twice the necessary number of finger, or not enough. "You know what I could stan right now? That kung foo film with Jackie Chan an Jet Li. That was a good film. Too much wire work but. Did we see that?"

"What's this song called again?"

"Um, hang on... The nips are getting bigger."

Drunken pause.

*snort* "Nips."

This is the third since we got back here, right? No, two olives thanks.

"It's my teeth, right? We were on the run when I was a kid. The dental plan sucked. But I'm pretty, right? Tell me I'm pretty?"

"Honey, I love you. Thatz why I can tell you the tooth. Truth. Yeah, it's the fron teeth, but yah now what? It works. Cute. Just sayin' that Chuck here has the delicate features of his sister."

The sunlight hurts. Who's phone is ringing?"

"Ugh... Morgan? It's too early, buddy. What's wrong?" there was a really bad taste in Chuck's mouth. His head was throbbing for some reason.

I just thought you should know Chuck, that I don't appreciate being drunk dialled at three am

"Um, did I drunk dial you? I don't recall... much of anything... which is probably a good thing."

Carina, man. You know how we feel about each other. She called me to tell me she was in bed with you. Not cool. Uncool. Bros before... Chuck took the phone quickly away from his ear.

Chuck opened his eyes for the first time this (mid) morning. The room was a mess. There were opened bottles and packets of starch based processed foods everywhere. Along with clothing items of both genders.

The stockings over the lampshade and fish bowl were a nice touch.

"Haha, yeah, she's such a kidder. No. No, Carina's fast asleep on Sarah's couch" chuck lied to his best friend, as he looked down at the two sleeping women either side of him.

A.N. About Sharkie. Yeah, I'm wondering how he survived while our two were off in Iowa for close to three week too. Maybe he's a specially trained CIA ninja goldfish... nah. The concierge has orders to look after him, OK?

No goldfish were physically harmed in the making of this fic. And we have a specially trained piscine emotional trauma therapist available for Sharkie.

I didn't know cats could be trained in emotional therapy, but 'Miss Kitty' came with impeccable credentials. And she watches Sharkie all the time.

Nick? I have new respect for you. Writing a socially exited scene is a lot hardrthan you made it look *hic.*

"The nips are getting bigger" by Mental As Anything is one of the best drinking songs, as well as a wonderful single entendre.