A/N: Beta'd by Jul5857. Story written by a request from RockSteady54. Pre-read by twimaggs and bragi151.

New Moonish…approximately sixteen seconds after Quil has phased for the first time.

"What the hell? What the hell? What the ever-loving fucking hell?" Quil yelped, spinning around madly in a circle. Not five minutes ago he had been standing outside, fighting with the water hose. No matter how hard he had tugged, twisted or wrapped the damn thing around, it wouldn't unkink. It was ludicrous; who the hell needed a water hose in La Push, Washington?

"Calm down Quil. It's okay," an inner voice soothed. A voice, Quil thought, sounding suspiciously like his ex-best friend, Jake.

Getting dizzy, Quil stopped twirling in circles to sit down. Sit being the key-word since apparently he was so high he thought he was a dog. "Jake….is that you?"

"Yes and Sam, Jared, Embry and Paul," Jake answered in defeat. He had hoped that at least one of his friends would survive this traumatic blessing unfurred.

"Why am I furry? Did I pass out again? I told you last time, it wasn't very nice of you guys to shave old man Patterson's poodle and then strip me naked and super glue…Man! Even my mom's Lady Bic and Nair couldn't remove that shit from me. I had extra hairy balls for a we-"

"Seriously, Quil, we didn't. You are not dreaming or hallucinating. You are in fact a real-life werewolf," Sam answered, struggling to regain control of the conversation; nobody needed to dwell on the mental images of Quil's discolored balls from too much Nair contact. Being slightly older than the rest of the pack, he was apparently the only wolf present who had missed the 'live' version of turning Quil into a female Bigfoot.

"No way!" Quil exclaimed in disbelief; the other wolves mistaking it for horror.

"Yeah, you are. But it's not that bad. After a few days, you'll be comfortable enough to-"

"This is great! Jake…Embry…this is better than the time we learned that you won't really go blind if you masturbate. Hey…can you masturbate as a wolf?" Spreading his front legs wide, Quil looked to search out his favorite toy. It was nowhere to be found.

"Oh my god! I'm neutered! Shit, what did I do to deserve this?" Tears threatened to well up in his eyes, as Quil searched the faces of his so-called wolf friends that had found him in the forest behind his house.

Paul's mind raced, formulating just how he could use Quil's blatant stupidity against him and bring forth the most of humiliating experiences to the public eye; a feat Quil never needed any type of help with. He could embarrass a room full of the most hardened of minds and corrupted of souls. With the exception of Quil, the entire pack blanched over the briefest of thoughts concerning the hamster incident.

Sam swore violently to himself, not wanting to believe the misfortune of having to explain Biology 101 to the newly phased seventeen year old. His mind drifted to Jake and Embry; Quil's two closest friends.

Jake was still in somewhat of a shocked stupor that his friend was actually excited about being a wolf and would be of no help for a few minutes.

Embry, who was normally thought-quiet, was reliving that day in high school Biology 101 where Quil had asked if there was a particular reason it was called 'semen'; was a woman's egg considered a 'life-boat'; and if men and women were so apparently different down there, why did science feel the need to label it a 'vas deferens'? Except Quil pronounced it 'vast difference'.

Jared took pity and stepped forth to explain Quil's missing penis.

-15 minutes later…

"No fucking way! So I have like an accordion penis?" Quil asked, once again bouncy and excited. Jared had no idea how to try explaining it. For the fourth time.

"Quil!" Paul snapped, wondering how fast Quil's head would regenerate if he squished it. It wasn't like he would suffer any brain damage; Quil was already dumb. "Your dick is like an accordion when you're human. Why is this so much more fucking fascinating as a wolf?"

"Are you daft? As a guy, I can still see it hanging in the breeze. As a wolf though...it's like a turtle. Well, more like a turtle, but you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"You know what, Quil?" Paul mentally snarled in his direction. "I do know. Just like you know how your dick resembles a slinky: Fun for boys, girls and pissed off werewolves who have no problem shredding the shit out of accordion dicks so their ass can get back the fuck home and stop sitting in the woods, listening to the newest member exclaim how great a retractable penis is!" With a swift surge, Paul launched himself at Quil, fully intent to make good on his threat.

"Paul," Sam calmly instructed, half numb from the turn of events. "I forbid you to remove any body parts from Quil. You two can either rough-house for the next eight hours while the rest of us go home and sleep or you can pull it together long enough for us to teach Quil the basics. The choice is yours."

Paul pulled away from Quil, spitting out fur. "You just better watch your ass, Ateara. I want to go back home and sleep; not sit in the forest all goddamn night while you ask where we bury our shit or who's responsible for bringing the Frisbee."

Still uncoordinated at wolf-like actions, Quil tried to lick the wound Paul had left on his ribs before answering. After toppling over from leaning too far forward, Quil just gave up. "Paul, if bears don't have to bury their shit, I'm pretty sure wolves wouldn't need to either. And it's not my ass I'm scared for, but my sausage."

Paul's renewed snarl and lunge caused Sam to sigh. Dismissing the rest of the pack, he sat down to wait while Paul finished his hazing of Quil.

A few weeks after he had phased, Quil felt even better about being a werewolf. He had learned that dogs can look up; pissing on an electric fence still wasn't advisable; and that while he could still pick up ticks while in wolf form, they exploded once he phased back. Next week, he planned on trying it with leeches, the water kind.

"So what's up with this imprinting business?" Grabbing a few hotdogs, Quil waited for one of his new-found brothers to answer. So far, being a wolf had been great, yet some of the others had inhibitions about a condition known as imprinting.

He could feel Sam's and Jared's thoughts about it while phased, but he wanted to know why some of the others felt it was evil. As far as he could tell, imprinting meant guaranteed sex 24/7 and he was willing to speed up the process to get to that level of being a superhero werewolf. Maybe then, tonight's bonfire wouldn't suck as bad as the rest had.

"No one really knows. It's just that when you look into the eyes of the girl you're meant to be with, you feel differently." Jake stopped, not wanting to discuss the imprint factor. He had been so sure Bella would finally be his. Instead, he was once again disappointed when the phenomena didn't occur.

With four hotdogs currently being eaten at once, Quil pushed two to each side of his mouth, resembling a vulgar walrus with wiener tusks, before asking, "Different, how?"

"I don't know, Quil, I haven't imprinted. Ask Sam or Jared, they'd know better than me."

"Don't sound like such a homo about it, Black. It's not like anyone gets to choose their imprint; obviously yours isn't meant to be a pale-faced corpse fucker."

"Shut the hell up, Paul! Bella's not like that!"

"She's not like imprint material either or else your ass would've bonded to her. You're a big-man on the rez now; can't you ask her to give you a hand job? Once you nut, I'm sure she'll be out of your system."

Jacob got up and left, not wanting to encourage Paul's behavior.

"Paul, I'll agree that Jake does spend a lot of time thinking about Bella, but you gotta admit, she's kinda hot!" Quil casually mentioned, thinking about Jake's dream girl and wondering if she thought a normal person's spunk tasted different than a vamp's and if actually tasted like nuts. Hopefully walnuts or pecans; peanut tasting just sounded nasty.

"Whatever, Ateara! Not you too? She's just some white girl Jake feels sorry for. If it wasn't for her, some of us wouldn't be watching old reruns of Lassie like it was a porno." Grinning wickedly, Paul waited for Quil to react about his failed attempts of 'connecting' to nature.

Quil just sighed, not understanding why Paul, of all people, would be opposed to finding other creative outlets. "It was one time, Paul, and I just wanted to make sure."

"You know, Quil," Embry piped up, wanting to help out his friend. "In the show, Lassie was actually a boy dog. Maybe that's why nothing happened?"

"Maybe," Quil agreed, reaching for some more hotdogs. "But maybe it's cause there aren't any hotdogs in that show. Does anyone else feel horny?"

Fully sated after consuming sixteen dogs, Quil reclined in the sand, watching the flickering flames from the bonfire. It was almost nine o'clock; Jake had gone to meet Bella and bring her back here for some Friday night fun. Quil figured once they arrived, he'd have more fun watching Lassie, maybe even give Blue's Clues a shot.

The roar of Bella's truck could soon be heard and it wasn't long before Quil began to make out the sounds of her clumsy footfalls as she struggled to walk the path from the parking lot to the beach, snickering with Paul and Embry as she muttered "ouch" in a somewhat repetitive pattern.

"You okay, Bells? I can carry you if you want," Jake offered helpfully, itching to find any reason to hold her.

"I'm okay," Bella answered quietly followed by"oomph" as she once again tripped over something on the cleared path.

Emerging on the beach, the couple strolled towards the campfire. Only one of them was strolling, the other walked/tripped/limped/repeated the distance. Bella kept her head down, wondering if maybe she didn't suffer from the early stages of multiple sclerosis or Parkinson's disease. She could feel Jake's friends staring and it complicated her coordination.

Bella did look up though, the gesture not fully registering with her. Her eyes made contact, but at such a speed her brain didn't fully process the action. It did with the wolves; creatures who had been designed to move at lightening speeds did not miss her glance, especially Quil.

The action of imprinting was profound. No longer thinking about how many hotdogs could he eat or what actually happened to his penis when he phased, Quil now thought about whether or not his imprint would like to be fed hotdogs and what her first words would be at seeing his penis. Along with some other crap about worldly love and making her blissfully happy outside of the sex; nothing too important.

She may have done well with weird, but a girl could only take so much. One of the guy's stare became overly apparent and made Bella feel like she was completely nude; a thought that if Quil knew anything about, he would have responded, opinions be damned!

Bella's mind formulated the reasoning behind such a look. Clearly, the man before her had a delicate nature and didn't know better. The more she thought about it, the more Bella decided that maybe Jake hadn't really wanted her to show up tonight. She was touched that he would do so much for his tribe while trying to remain her best friend as well and include her.

"Jake," Bella whispered urgently, slightly uncomfortable. "You didn't tell me you were hosting a 'special' bonfire. Is that someone's cousin?"

Jake was clueless. He forgot that she hadn't seen the guys since their phase and that they might look a little bit different to her. "What are you talking about? It's just the guys, Sam, Jared, Paul…" He trailed off, noticing that she was still stiff and uncharacteristically pointing to someone.

The wolf in question had soda stains on his shorts, sand in his hair and ketchup and mustard caked around his wide, gaping mouth. It took Jake less time to blink than it did for him to realize the look: Quil had imprinted on Bella.

Jake was a fast thinker, smooth talker and never admitted defeat. He wasn't about to throw Quil a bone in the form of Bella.

"My mistake, Bells. That's Qwar, Quil's alter-ego. He's not safe at all. We need to go." Swooping up a startled imprint, Jake took off at a dead run before Quil/Qwar could regain any of his bodily coordination.

Quil watched as Jake took off running with a confused Bella. He also listened as his pack brothers took bets on whether or not Bella would actually accept him and even if Jake would allow the opportunity to take place.

Qwar, the name Quil had given his inner wolf, decided that now was the time for his penis to stand at attention and flag down his obvious mate. Giving the Quil portion of the brain a sharp kick, the man stood up and ran after his intended, strongly resembling his imprint in her clumsiness as he tried to flat out run with a stiffy.

The rest of the night went nowhere as planned. Once Quil finally caught up to Jake and Bella, she was overly hysterical at the sudden jostling that had occurred. Panting heavily and fighting off motion sickness, Bella listened as Jake explained the imprint thing to her. When he got to the part that Quil was now bound to her, she fainted, hitting her head against the only lone rock on the beach for twenty miles in any direction.

Jake crouched to his feet and bent over Bella, trying to make sure she was okay. A thin line of blood seeped from her scalp, a knot beginning to form under the skin causing him to worry. Regardless of her mumbled "I'm okay" a few minutes later, Jake knew she needed to go to the emergency room or else he would suffer the wrath of Charlie.

The mental portion known as Quil was once again struck dumb at seeing his imprint hurt; Qwar took over. Approaching from the other side he decided that missionary was as good a position as any to start the mating process; spectators welcome.

Jake thought Quil was attempting to make sure Bella was okay when he kneeled on the other side of her. By the time Quil had stretched out in the sand next to her, thrusting his hips against her leg, Jake lost his patience.

The first punch hit Quil directly in his forehead and an autonomic reaction of rolling away. It was all Jake needed to jump over Bella and continue his assault. While the two wolves performed "Mortal Kombat" to each other, Jared was giving Kim and Emily a play-by-play of the show. Emily quickly pleaded with Sam to step in.

Five minutes later, Sam was driving Bella to the local emergency room, having left explicit instructions for Embry and Jared to see Kim and Emily safely home. Paul was giving the winning task of allowing Quil and Jake to continue beating the shit out of each other. Should they recover and become aware of Bella's absence, Paul could let them know where to find her.

Paul, Jake and Quil meet Sam and a disoriented Bella in the ER parking lot. Jake seemed to be the only person she could recognize and he took over, half carrying her inside.

"Room six," the nurse indicated, sighing at the sight of Bella Swan. That girl's medical folder weighed at least ten pounds and no longer fit in the door sleeves designed to hold charts.

Outside, Paul howled in amusement as Quil tried to explain that he didn't really know he had been dry humping his imprint. He argued that the force was strong in him and he was trying his best to use it for good and not evil.

Sam listened for all of forty-six seconds.

"Let me break it down for you, Quil before I break it off! If you can't put a leash and muzzle on your dick, you really will be the first neutered wolf. Are we clear?"

At Quil's muted nod, the trio walked into the ER, taking seats far away from any unsuspecting humans, listening to a doctor talk to Bella in a room down the hall.

"You won't need stitches, Bella, but you took a heavy hit." Turning to glare at the monstrous man who had accompanied Bella, he wondered if domestic abuse was somehow involved. Jake held up his hands in surrender, knowing exactly what the doctor was thinking and not liking it.

Sighing, the doctor debated internally. He knew Bella wasn't one for pain meds, but he wanted to give her something that would last for a few hours so she could rest peacefully and pain free. He also wanted to take a few x-rays and Bella seemed overly anxious. Too anxious to sit still for proper pictures.

"Bella, will you be by yourself tonight? You really should stay here over night, just to make sure-"

"NO! Char-my dad will be home with me. I'll be okay."

The doctor watched her for a minute, deciding the best way to bargain with her. "Well, I still need to do an x-ray and could possibly be persuaded to discharge you after that. If…"

"Anything," Bella agreed, trying not to grimace in pain.

"Excellent. I'm going to give a shot for the pain and you should feel better shortly." Pulling out a large syringe of Demerol from his coat pocket, he rolled up Bella's shirt sleeve.

Bella tried not to think about the horror of needles, wondering if maybe the better bet would've been to stay overnight. Before she could change her mind, the pinch and burn hit her as the doctor injected the fluid.

"There you go, Bella. Now sit tight while I fill out the x-ray order." Remembering the towering giant still in the room, he added, "I'll leave the door open. If you have any problems, just holler."

Bella lolled her head from side to side in an uncoordinated nod. She suddenly felt weird and the room was slightly spinning. Jacob walked over, hovering nearby his tipsy friend. Sam's voice caught him by surprise.

"Jacob?" Sam questioned in a normal tone while facing Quil. He knew Jake would be able to hear him and since no one really knew who was who —Native American wise- here in Forks, innocent bystanders wouldn't suspect a thing. "Can Quil sit back there with you two? He feels awful and would like to apologize to Bella in person." And I need a break from Quil's mutterings about having the perfect salve to ease her wounds, Sam mentally added.

Quil opened his mouth to debate owing an apology. Sure, he kind of felt shitty for Bella getting hurt, but it wasn't like he hit her with the rock! He just wanted to sit with her so he could feel better. Just as quickly he closed his mouth when Jake answered.

"Sam, I don't think that's a good idea right now. Bella's not completely aware of her surroundings," Jake remarked, watching her pet a pillow and call it a nice puppy. He was unable to suppress a hysterical giggle; Charlie was going to kill them all.

"Come on, Sam!" Quil whined, listening to his imprint interact with Jake. Her soft cooing of softness and Jake's chuckling told him one thing: Bella was obviously rubbing Jake's upper thigh and hitting that ticklish spot he complained about. An area that Jake had complained about in the past when Bella's hair happened to brush across as she slept.

From previous wolf-mind readings, Quil also knew that if she petted Jake just a few inches higher, she'd start cooing about what a big dick he had. At least, that's what Jake's mental thoughts had shown. Qwar began to get grumpy as fuck, causing Quil to miss the next few seconds of conversation.

"Jake," Bella gasped, dropping her pillow puppy. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Go ahead, Sam. Send Quil back here," Jake conceded, handing Bella a basin and stepping away.

"You're up, slugger." Slapping a hand across Quil's shoulder, Sam pushed him out of the chair. "You still need to stay in there, Jake. Quil can hold her hand, but not in his lap."

"Thanks, Sam." Grumbling about being always left to deal with the shit jobs, Jake hoped Charlie would arrive quickly and kick them all out.

"I can always send Paul back there to referee."

On the tip of his tongue to say go ahead, Jake watched as Bella tossed the basin aside and turned to a window.

"Are you a vampire? You sparkle really pretty," Bella announced admiringly.

Jake felt the beginnings of a massive headache. If Paul came in here while Bella was like this, someone was likely to end up dead. Probably not Quil either.

"No, just Quil," Jake answered.

Quil had been slowly walking in the direction of Bella's room, wondering if he still had to apologize. He couldn't remember Jared or Sam ever having to apologize to their imprints and figured it must be an unwritten rule. He'd wait until he got there before making a final decision.

Bella, who had given up on her vampire-window friend, looked tense, slightly ill and Quil felt awful. Not only had he tried to dry-hump rape his imprint, but now she really wouldn't want to have normal sex with him; at least not sometime in the next few days.

"Jake," Bella moaned again, not noticing Quil. "I need a bucket!"

Jake reached for the fallen basin while glaring at Quil. He was a piss-poor protector if he couldn't even grab a bucket for his imprint.

"Here you go, Bella," Jake whispered, handing Bella the object who grasped it like a lifeline, hoping the nausea would fade quickly. "Quil, if you can't help Bella, maybe you should go back out into the waiting room."

"Should I go get her some flowers?" Quil asked, too quietly for Bella to hear.

"Yes, and while you're at it, go find your balls. Honestly, Quil; she's your imprint and you can't even help comfort her!"

"Why should I? I sure as hell don't feel comfortable; how the hell am I supposed to make her feel comfortable?"

"That's the point! If you comfort her, both of you will feel better. If you ignore her, you'll both feel like shit. This isn't rocket science, Quil."

"It might as well as be. Jake, this isn't what Sam and Jared show when thinking of their imprints."

Jake didn't care anymore. He felt bad that Bella was stuck with such an ignorant wolf, but if imprinting was about balance, this pair was perfectly evened. "Quil, just…go. Go get her a balloon or something. I'll make sure she's okay."

"Oh, I'll be back, Jake. You can't keep me away from her that easily." Sliding back out of the room, Quil walked away, thinking about what Jake had said. He was supposed to make Bella feel better, but how? A balloon wouldn't make Quil feel better unless it was inserted into something and inflated until exploding. Kind of like the ticks…

No, that wouldn't work either. If Quil came back to Bella with a balloon and a tick or leech, she'd think he was making fun of her. The idea was there though. To make Bella feel better, he had to make her laugh. Turning a corner in the hallway, Quil tripped over an unmanned cart, making the contents clatter.

The cart looked similar to the Craftsman toolbox Jake had out in his shed, except this thing was of a sturdy plastic. Temptation getting the best of him, Quil stole a quick glance around him before sliding open the side to see what was in it.

Rows and rows of vials, jars and bottles lined the inside shelves. One shelf alone resembled an intricate silver-ware drawer; except instead of having forks and crap, it held sectioned-off syringes. Quil found the perfect way for making amends to Bella.

Jake had watched Quil leave before retuning his attention back to Bella. She wasn't actually throwing up, but she kept leaning over like she was going to. Jake figured if it lasted too much longer, he'd go hunt down the doc and punch him in the gut, seeing if it made him feel any better.

Bella finally calmed down and just sat placidly on the bed. Jake was relieved that she wasn't in any pain and had stopped talking to inanimate objects around her. Her eyes were blank, unfocused and didn't project any type of feeling. If he hadn't been able to hear her heart, Jake would've thought she was dead.

Quil's reappearance with his "gift" changed that.

"Surprise!" Quil hollered, jumping around the flimsy curtain of Bella's bed. From his neck, downwards, he had stuck himself with syringes. The injection devices, covering his neck, arms and legs, waved back and forth in motion as Quil did a little dance, trying to make his imprint giggle.

Bella's eyes widened horror. The Demerol was already doing a number on her mental state, but watching a live voodoo doll come dancing in the room was too much. With a startled squeak, Bella passed out, falling face first off of the bed. Her forehead caught the corner of a tray leg before taking the remaining brunt of the dive onto the floor.

Even werewolves could be shocked motionless, Jake learned. His attention was focused directly on the crack-head dancing through the room. Ironically, this crack-head looked a lot like Quil, but Quil couldn't possibly be stupid enough to do something like this to Bella, could he?

"Shit, Jake! Is she okay?" Quil asked mid-jig. With both hands up and off to the sides of his shoulders and one leg partial lifted in a joker style dance, he stared at his imprint, blood yet to be seen, but definitely smelt, appearing from a new wound.

Jake took three steps to reach Bella, picked her up off the floor and laid her on the bed properly before turning to crack-head Quil.

"Why the hell did you do that?" Jake raged, ignoring Sam's voice from the other room about keeping things together.

"You said to make her comfortable; this was my idea."

Jacob's face morphed from pissed-off to unmasked fury. "Does she look comfortable to you? You about gave her a fucking heart attack and you've definitely given her another head injury!" Shoving him against the closest wall, Jake began ripping the syringes out of Quil's skin and tossing them into a nearby trashcan. "You," rip "haven't even," rip "said a proper hello," rip rip "to your imprint."

"How can I, Jake? She's barely been conscious the entire time we've been imprinted. We'll get there," Quil explained.

Yanking and tossing the last syringe, Jake was about to reverse the process and restab Quil when the Doctor came back into the room pushing a wheel chair.

"Okay, Bella, the tech is ready…What the hell happened to my patient?" Forgetting about the chair, he rushed over to the unconscious Bella. The blood seeping from her forehead slightly horrified the doctor and he peeled open her eyelids to flash a penlight, looking for signs of cranial hemorrhaging.

"She fell," Quil supplied helpfully while nodding his head. Jake took a step back away from him, knowing what was about to come next.

Slowly the doctor straightened up before turning around to face the two men. He couldn't believe the police chief would let his daughter associate with anyone who would hurt her, say nothing of two, testosterone fueled beasts who presently occupied the room with her.

"Gentlemen, you need to leave so I may take care of my patient. Seeing as she is still a minor, you will remain in the waiting room unless her guardian says otherwise." Turning he caught the adamant negative shake from Quil and consenting nod from Jacob. "Are we going to have a problem?"

"Not a one, doc. Move, Quil!" As Jake pushed an unwilling Quil out of the room, no one noticed his last minute decision to take one of the syringes with him.

Bella had sustained her second injury, a concussion and while Jake was trying to voodoo Quil's ass with nitroglycerin (lowered blood pressure meant no stiffies) a hysterical laughing Paul and commanding Alpha Sam dragged the two from the ER. By mere seconds, Charlie arrived, missing the four struggling La Push men who disappeared into the night. Bella got stitches and an MRI while the doctor tried to explain to the Chief what might have happened to his daughter. It was a long night.

Love, people, love! You know what to do so please. Go ahead and do it. ;)