Miserable With You
Authors Note: Well this was all done in one sitting, and is completly unedited. Oh well, I'm lazy, lol. LEt me know what you guys think!
Sam and Dean have been driving for the last three hours, with only the sound of Led Zeppelin to fill the silence between them. When they left Bobby's they had still been in a somber state over the loss of Rufus, and although neither would admit it, the loss of their grandfather.
The boys hadn't talked to one another since Dean's speech at the cemetery. Quite frankly, Dean didn't want to, and Sam was afraid to.
Three hours into the drive and Sam could feel his words pounding in his head. He needed to tell Dean what he was thinking, but he knew Dean didn't want to hear it.
Dean can practically hear Sam thinking, but he ignores it. Mentioning it would only make Sam more eager to talk. Dean doesn't want to talk. Not if he can get out of it.
"Dean-" Sam starts, talking fast and hoping Dean won't interrupt. He has no such luck.
"Please don't Sam." Dean says not looking at his brother.
Sam stays quiet for a moment, trying to choose his next words carefully.
"Look, I know you don't want to talk about it-" Sam says quickly and calmly.
"Damn strait-" Dean says sparring Sam a fleeting look.
"So I'll keep it quick." Sam says, while Dean groans.
Sometimes Dean just wants to shut off Sam's brain. After all that seems to be the trouble causing part.
"It's about the blanket thing-"
"I said I forgive you, and I meant it. Past, present, future; it's all good." Dean says intent on ending the conversation as quickly as possible.
"I know that." Sam says looking at Dean gratefully. "That's not what I want to talk about."
Dean is at a loss. He figured Sam wanted to have some chick-flick moment where Sam would cry and talk about how he'd done to many bad things and blah, blah, blah. It's typical Sam behavior, but then he remembers that it's been awhile since he and Sam have really had a normal moment together. At least what they consider normal.
"Okay, fine. Say what you need to say." Dean says as though he knows he'll regret it.
"I forgive you." Sam says looking into the green of Dean's eyes.
Dean raises an eyebrow. He knows he's done things that he regrets, but he still feels like it's odd that Sam is making it clear that he's forgiven. Dean always assumed that Sam never really blamed him for the bad things that happened to them.
"Uh, thanks, I guess." Dean says not really sure what else to say.
"I'm not forgiving you for something you've done," Sam says, and Dean looks more lost than ever. "I'm forgiving you for what you're going to do."
"And that would be what?" Dean asks. He thinks about pulling over the Impala, but decides against it, hoping the conversation won't get that deep.
"Dean, at some point you're gonna leave. You want out, and we both know it. And it's only a matter of time before you go back to Lisa and Ben. I just want you to know that I forgive you, and it's okay." Sam says staring at his feet. He can't stand to look in Dean's eyes while he says the things he is.
"You think I'm gonna leave in the middle of the biggest fight we've ever had? A fight where we almost lost Bobby? You think I'm gonna leave during all that, so I can go and play house for awhile? So I can put Lisa and Ben in danger? That's what you think?" Dean asks, and he can't hide the anger in his tone.
"Maybe not now, but if we make it through this, then yeah. You will," Sam says sighing. "You were with them for a year Dean, while I was off doing awful things. You were happy with them Dean. You aren't happy with me." Sam says, trying to hide the sadness in his tone.
"We're in a rut. We just need some time to get our mojo back." Dean says ignoring Sam's tone.
"No Dean. You aren't happy. And it's not just about the hunting; it's about me! I don't know if it's because of how I acted without my soul, or if it's just because of how it was before I went to Hell, but I know you aren't happy when you're with me." Sam says as his eyes start to water. "Not anymore."
Dean can't take it and he makes a sharp curve to pull the car off of the road to park. Once the car is in park, Dean turns to look at Sam with the same watery eyes.
"You want to know something Sam? I'm not happy with you." He says it so clearly and Sam would rather die than listen to the words he just said roll off of his brothers' tongue. "I'm not, and Lisa was the one to point it out first. She told me that as long as I'm with you, I'll be miserable. And you know what? She's right Sam. I won't be. We are so twisted up in each other, in the most twisted, pathetic, unhealthy relationship possible. I know I'll be miserable as long as I'm with you. I have no doubt in my fucking mind about that."
Sam's fists are clenched and he thinks about getting out of the car, but the intensity of Dean's stare makes him stay put.
"But you know what Sammy? I don't give a shit." Dean says throwing his hands up.
"What?" Sam asks raising his head up to look at Dean. He hates the way he sounds so hopeful.
"I don't give a shit," Dean repeats. "I would rather spend what's left of my life being miserable with you than being happy with Lisa."
"That makes no sense Dean. Why in the hell would you prefer that?" Sam asks.
"Because." Dean answers.
"Because isn't an answer! Why would you rather that?" Sam screams at Dean.
"Because- just because damnit!" Dean screams in a frustrated tone.
"Just answer me Dean!" Sam screams leaning in toward Dean.
"Because I can't live without you!" Dean screams, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. He looks more vulnerable than Sam has ever seen him look.
"You lived a year without me Dean, even longer if you count soulless me." Sam says softly.
Dean chuckles as another tear squeezes its way out against his will. "You call what I was doing living? I spent two-thirds of the day drunk, sometimes more, just so I could function. Hell, if you consider what I was doing functioning. And if I wasn't drinking I was looking for a way to bring you back. And once I realized that I couldn't-" Dean's voice breaks at that point and Sam's hand flinches toward him before he pulls his hand back. Dean hates for someone to acknowledge he's crying. Dean takes a deep breath to calm himself. "Once I realized I couldn't bring you back I drank more, and I tried to work. I just worked as often as I could so I wouldn't think about you."
Sam stays quiet. He never knows what to do when Dean cries. It's so rare, and it's so out of character for him. Sam just stays quiet, hoping it's the right move.
"I still thought about you all the time. I had dreams about you being tortured in the pit. I dreamed that I was the one torturing you. It was my fault, how the fuck could I let you take on Lucifer? How could I do that to you?" Dean says and Sam feels like Dean is talking to himself.
"It was our only choice Dean, you know that. It was the right thing-" Sam says trying to soothe him.
"I fucking know that!" Dean snaps. "But that doesn't make it easier! If I could have taken your place I would have! I've been in the pit and I know what it's like! And I still would have taken it for you! I spent every day trying to convince myself to be there for Lisa and Ben because you wanted me to. I spent every day wishing I was dead Sammy! I wished I was dead! Because without you all I felt was guilt! I felt alone!"
At this point Sam is trying to hold back his tears for Dean. They don't cry together. One of them has to be strong. One of them has to keep a strong upper lip for the other. This time it's Sam's turn.
"I don't know what it is Sammy. Maybe it's because I was raised to put you above everything else, but I couldn't stand it. Do you realize that the most selfish thing I've ever done is go to Hell to keep you alive? Because it wasn't about who lived and who died, it was about me being too scared to live alone. I choose you every fucking time. You make my life hell, but I fucking choose you every time." Dean says wiping his eyes.
"So yes Sam, I would rather be miserable with you than happy with her. Because I can function without her. I can live without her. I can't do anything without you Sammy. She makes me happy, but I love you more than I'll ever be able to love anyone. And believe me I wish I didn't, but I do. You're all I have. You, Bobby, and sometimes Cas. But you know I'd give them up for you. I always do."
Sam finally can't hold it in and one tear rolls down his face, but he supposes it's okay because Dean has stopped crying.
"So how about you shove your forgiveness up your ass Sam? You wanna do something for me? How about you don't be the one to leave me? How about for once you stick around when things get too hard? I don't want you to forgive me for anything, I want you to promise me that you're gonna be here. Promise me that you aren't gonna leave the second we disagree." Dean says with his jaw set. "Because I'm getting old Sammy, and I can't chase your ass forever. Either be in or be out. But don't even act like I'm gonna be the one to bail on you."
Sam hates himself as he thinks back to all the times he's left Dean. He hates himself for all the times he betrayed Dean. He hates himself for making them have this conversation when they should both already know how the other one feels.
"I'm not leaving again Dean. Promise." Sam says looking Dean straight in the eyes.
"Sammy, I don't know how long we'll live, or how much demon ass we'll have to kick, but I know that no matter what we have to do, I'll want to do it with you. We might be miserable bastards, but I wouldn't have it any other way." Dean says honestly.
"I wouldn't have it any other way either." Sam says as he wipes the tears from his eyes.
"Then let's get going." Dean says as he starts back up the impala and drives onto the road.
And with that they're on the road again, off to another random destination. As Sam gets tired he stretches out to lie his head against the glass, but Dean's hand on his sleeve pulls Sam toward him and before he knows it, his head is on Dean's lap.
Sam sighs as he relaxes. It's been a long time since they've been this close, but Sam doesn't mind. He finally feels like he and Dean are on the same side. He finally feels like he got his brother back. He gives Dean's knee a squeeze before falling asleep, faintly noticing Dean's hand running through his hair like it hadn't done since they were young.
Maybe they would never be what they once were, but hell if they couldn't try. They'd be happy if it was the last thing Sam ever did.