Disclaimer: I don't own To aru Majutsu no Index/ Kagaku no Railgun... thank god, this pairing would be cannon if I did.
Author´s note: This is a little story I thought while trying to find the most unlikely pairing I could think for Accelerator; be warned that it contains lots of foul language a tons of 'not too explicit' sexual references.
Clash of the unlikely lovers
Accelerator woke up felling like crap, his head hurt like hell, he had no clothes on for some reason and he had a hangover from hell, he reluctantly opened his eyes and turned around to pick up his phone and check the time.
"What the hell! I thought today was…"
Yet he stopped his complaining when the display showed a call from an unknown number, he thought about just ignoring it since he didn't felt like answering but something inside of him told him he should take it.
"Hello Accelerator kun."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"You know Accelerator kun, a few weeks ago Academy City was going to face one of the worst crisis in its history…"
"I said: who the fuck are you?"
"I thought about solving it using the traditional ruthless way, but then I decided that it wasn't worth the trouble and I'd rather just play it for laughs…"
"I don't give a damn! For the last time: who the fuck are you?"
"A very bored person… by the way you picked up your phone with your right hand did you?"
"Huh? Of course!"
"Then why don't you look at your left hand…?"
The call was cut.
"What the hell was that all about?"
He just tossed his phone back into his bed table, to be honest he felt way too bad to think about anything else, but before he went back to sleep there was something he had to check.
"My left hand, just what the…"
His mouth opened in disbelief when he saw it.
"But… but… this cannot be… this is impossible!"
Then he slowly turned around to see the other side of his bed.
He stood up as fast as he could and picked up his phone again, hitting the redial option immediately, he barely waited for the call to connect so he could yell at the asshole that did this to him.
"You bastard! I don't know who you are but I'm going to kill you, I'm going to find you and then I'll spread your guts all over the floor while you beg me for mercy, then I'm going to castrate you and…"
"Welcome to Domino´s pizza automatic ordering system, may I take your order please?"
He was going to snap the phone in half on his rage, but a quick reminder of what he saw made him reconsider.
"Today we have a 2 x 1 promotion on…"
"Do you guys sell rum? I could use a bottle or ten."
"Unknown product, please…"
He hanged up the phone and took a long breath before turning around again to see the reason of his anger, that being a woman sleeping on his bed… a naked woman sleeping on his bed to be precise, she was a short haired blond with a pretty slim figure, a tight butt and decent sized breasts, but there was something kind of unnerving about her… Still for someone that's generally uninterested on women Accelerator had to admit she was kind of hot.
The woman turned around and slowly opened her eyes; she first looked around the room until her eyes were fixated on Accelerator then opened as wide as they could when she noticed his nakedness, then they somehow got even wider when they lowered and noticed her own.
The woman tried to scream but was so desperate she choked.
"Hey! Are you ok?"
He got closer to the woman to help her but she just extended her hand to stop him.
´Cough cough cough´
She used her other hand to hit her chest until she swallowed in the weirdest way possible, it was more like she spat out something on her mouth.
´Cough´ "Who the hell are you? And what the fuck did you do to me?"
"That's my question bitch!"
"Those were two questions asshole!"
However Accelerator stopped as he noticed a book that was on his bed, the woman noticed as well and they both moved closer to it.
"This cannot be!"
The book was a photo album loaded with pictures of a wedding…
"No… this is not true… this isn't happening…"
The woman was about to snap, but when she moved her hands to grab her head in despair she noticed something on her left hand, more specifically a wedding ring… she examined it carefully looking at its features, then she quickly pulled Accelerator's left hand and noticed he was wearing a ring that was exactly the same.
And that was the last thing Accelerator heard from her before she passed out; he let out a sigh and put a blanket over her before moving towards his closet to get dressed.
"The hell is this?"
He noticed all his clothes were tucked away in one half of the closet whereas the other half was full with some weird yellow garbs he had never seen before.
He took the first clothes that he saw and put them on, then left the room as fast and quietly as his cane allowed him, calmly closing the door behind him.
"Ok, now that's taken care of… YOMIKAWAAAAAA!"
He walked as fast as he could towards the kitchen and there he found none other than his legal guardian.
"Oh if it isn't the newlywed, how is it going jan? Finally had enough?"
"The hell are you talking about? Just who the hell is that woman on my bed and why the fuck does my cell phone says it's October 28?"
"Hey watch your language would you…? Last Order is going to pick it up if you…"
"Just answer me damn it!"
"What do you want me to answer you? It says is October 28 because today is October 28 and the woman on your bed must be your wife jan."
He let himself fall on a nearby chair and grabbed his head.
"How can that be? Last thing I remember is going to pick up Last Order back and then…"
He remembered how the brat had gotten hurt from a fall and he went to get some band aids and stuff, then he healed her wounds and she gave him a coke can she got from him… and everything was fuzzy after that.
"So are you regretting it already? That's no good! I have a bet with Kikyo about how long your marriage will last and I need you to keep it up for two months at least."
"So I'm really married to that bitch?"
"Of course, you started dating at the beginning on the month and married her two days ago, I tried telling you were rushing things but you told me you were sure she was the right one… I should've known you just did it because she told you she wouldn't go all the way until she was married jan."
Accelerator breathing started to become faster until it was as heavy as it could.
"But I didn't expect you to get tired of her so soon, I mean you spent 2 days on that room with her and you're like this, you really are the worst! By the way I didn't interrupt you since it was your wedding… weekend I guess but you need to tell her to keep it quieter from now on… It was a pain to explain Last Order that Windy chan really wasn't coming anywhere and that there wasn't a cat burning to death in the room."
"Windy…? I married someone with a stupid name like that?"
"Ara… you don't even remember the name of your wife jan? "
Yomikawa sighed and shook her head
"Seriously and to think you even look kind of disturbingly cute together… Listen Accelerator, Windy is not her name; we just call her like that because she just like you, only lives by an alias and it means wind in our language."
Then she looked at Accelerator confused face before sighing again.
"But if you really need a reminder, the 'name' of your wife is Vento of the Front."
Back in Accelerator's room:
The proud member of God's right seat woke up for the second time today, her head hurt like hell and she felt an strange tingling coming from between her…
She desperately searched around her to find the book that made her faint a few minutes ago and hastily looked at the pages…
"I can't believe it, I did marry with a…wait a minute is he a Roman Catholic at least?"
But her worries were eased as on the book were also pictures of his baptism so she just breathed a sigh of relief...
"Why am I feeling so relieved for? "
She threw the book at the wall with all of her strength, ready to throw a temper tantrum, but managed to calm herself and try to figure out the situation.
"What the hell is going on?"
She tried to remember but it was no use, the last memories she had were about sneaking into Academy City, beating a few Anti-Skill and talking to that bastard Aleister over a walkie-talkie, then she bought a coke can from a machine because she was thirsty… and everything was fuzzy after that.
"This is a fucking disaster! That asshole drugged me and made me marry him and… and…"
Then it hit her, she was naked and the last time she saw him he was naked too… that could only mean one thing.
"No, there's no way I'd…"
And taking advantage of the fact that she wasn't wearing any clothes, she just checked.
"Lies… it's a lie, it's a lie! IT'S A LIE!"
She stood up ready to just storm out and kill the bastard so she took off her blanket and…
That little pause remind her that she was still naked so she just moved to the closet, put on her clothes as fast as she could and then to the mirror to check her appearance before going out.
"What the hell happened to my piercings?"
And once she looked at her face she noticed every single one of her piercings were gone and so were the holes she used to put them on, most likely healed by magic, the only one she still got was the cross of Divine Punishment attached to her tongue that nearly choked her to death a few minutes ago.
"Tsk Great! Now I'm going to have to wear extra make-up until I put them back on!"
She moved to the drawer to pick up her make-up kit and that's when it hit her…
"How come I know where everything is…?"
Really despite the fact that she was sure this was the first time she saw this room she knew exactly where to find her clothes, her underwear, the mirror and her make-up kit; it wasn't like they were hard to find but the thing is that she didn't even need to look for them, she already knew where they were as if she lived here for a long time.
"Meh… Whatever! I'll worry about that after I kill him."
But she just ignored that and went to get her wind hammer on the closet (It was on the bottom compartment to the right, she knew that as well) and rushed to the door so she could wreck this place, however as soon as she opened it she found a little girl crying at the other side.
"What's wrong Last Order?"
Yet before she questioned herself about why did she know the girl's name, the kid ran closer to her and hugged her as tight as she could.
"Windy chan sniff is your cat alright? Ask Misaka as Misaka is worried about the answer."
"What are you talking about? I don't have a cat... Windy chan? What kind of name is…"
But before she could finish wondering about her new nickname the girl hugged her even tighter.
"Sob But yesterday you kept desperately screaming that your pussy was… your pussy was… I can't even say it! says Misaka as Misaka remembers part of her horrible trauma."
Then for the first time on her entire life Vento blushed… and it wasn't your regular Tsundere blush either, she was so red that the make-up she put around her eyes was actually paler than the rest of her (Extremely angry) face.
"That's… I mean… You'll understand when you're older!"
She tried to move past her but the girl clung to her legs and prevented her moving.
"So your pussy is alright? Ask Misaka as Misaka wipes her tears."
Vento's breathing started to become heavy and veins began to pop on her forehead, let's just say that whatever happened to her 'kitten' wasn't something she wanted to talk about.
"Yes… its fine… now could you please let me go… "
However the girl just hugged her tighter.
"Thank God! Misaka was so scared… I even thought you were trapped in the room since the door was locked and you kept screaming you were coming but never did, says Misaka as Misaka remembers the other part of her trauma."
Then she blushed even redder than before, this coupled with the hyperventilation that was starting to appear almost made her faint again, but her anger prevented her from doing so.
"Yeah… Don't worry about that… Everything is going to be fine… Now could you please let go of me…?"
She made her best attempt to form a smile on her face to ease the kid, this seemed to work as the girl just smiled back at her, let her go and ran elsewhere; as she watched her go, Vento had to stop to make a little reflection.
"Funny, usually I would've killed that kid outright… but I seem to be unable to keep my anger going on for some inexplicable reason."
Seriously, the usual her would've trashed out the entire city already, yet she took her time getting dressed, fixing her make-up and even helping a little girl she hadn't seen before (yet for some inexplicable reason knew her name) getting past her trauma even though she kept reminding her about what happened to her chastity.
"What do you mean 'inexplicable reason'? If that weekend you spent in there was anywhere near as good as it sounded anyone would be in a good mood, heck I'm surprised you can stand up so fast."
Then a woman with short hair appeared behind her.
"What are you talking about Yoshikawa…? Great another name I shouldn't know…"
However the woman ignored her last remark and chuckled.
"You don't remember…?" She blushed a little "Well I guess it's only normal you weren't paying attention to what you were saying… "
Then she pulled out an iPod like device from her pocket.
"Luckily for you I taped it just in case I need it for future blackmailing purposes."
She offered the headphones to Vento who reluctantly took them and put them on.
"What the hell is this…?"
"A compilation of the best moments from the past weekend."
As she heard the recording her eyes opened as wide as they could, her blush was of a perfect red color and she began to hyperventilate like hell; it was horrible: the things she said… the things he said… the moans… the other sounds in the background… and… and…
"I… AM… GOING… TO… KILL… HIM!"
She snapped the headphones out of her ears and took the iPod from Yoshikawa, threw it at the floor and stomp it with her foot.
"Ara, I just bought that one you know… oh well I doesn't matter I got a few extra copies just in case this happened…"
"WHERE IS HE?"
From the kitchen another woman with long hair tied in a ponytail appeared.
"If you're looking for your husband he's at the ceiling."
She didn't even stop to worry about why did she knew her name and just darted out of the apartment into the ceiling of the building, only to find her 'husband' sitting near the edge and looking at the horizon.
"There you are you bastard!"
He turned around to see her.
"What the hell do you want bitch!"
"What do you mean with that? Is that how you greet the person you drugged and…"
"Who the hell would want to…?"
"Don't play stupid you bastard! You took away my… my… argh! I feel sick just thinking about it!"
"Don't make me laugh!"
He got closer to her until they were face to face.
"Just so you know I was the one who was drugged, there's no way I'd ever do a freak like you otherwise."
That last remark got Vento… In usual circumstances she'd never worry about someone mocking her appearance, actually people felling repulsion towards her was pretty much the whole idea behind it… but if it was the person who took her precious chastity away then it was a different.
"Ha! Don't lie! I just listened to a recording of it and you were moaning like a pussy!"
"What about you? I heard you took it like a cheap whore!"
The two of them just stared at each other ready to attack; Accelerator got his hand on his chocker while Vento let out the chain of Divine Punishment and prepared her wind hammer.
But… they didn't move after that.
"What wrong… are you scared scumbag?"
Accelerator was confused, it'd a piece of cake for him to just turn on his chocker and become a widower in just a second… but he couldn't… for some reason he was unable to explain he didn't want to hurt the woman in front of him… actually it was the opposite, ever since he saw her this morning he wanted to protect her… the way he tried to help her when she was choking, how he put a blanket over her so she wouldn't be cold, how he got out of the room quietly so she could sleep; simple displays of kindness that Accelerator barely showed toward others, but came out naturally when it was about her.
"Who'd be scared of a weakling like you?"
And Vento was confused too, she had been drugged and forced to marry someone against her will, not to mention her precious chastity that was a proof of her dedication to the Lord was now gone, taken away from her without her permission… but still she couldn't kill the man in front of her, it was weird, ever since she woke up she felt strange: knowing people she shouldn't know, navigating a house she had never been before, it was like she had forgotten something really important… a warm wonderful feeling she hadn't felt in a long time… and while she was unsure about a lot of stuff she did know one thing… the person in front of her bore no ill will towards her, he would have gotten Divine Punishment if he did.
"A weakling? Ha! Don't make me laugh! Do you really have no idea of who I am bitch? I am the strongest of this city… No I'm the strongest on the whole world! A coward that'd rather blame the thing that saved her life than to move on and accept her brother's death is nothing against me."
"Tsk! I refuse to take that from a pathetic emo that keeps chasing after the image of a hero he built far beyond his reach! What's the point of modeling yourself after what you can never be? Just atone for your sins in your own way asshole!"
And that's when it hit them.
"How the fuck do you know that?" / "How the fuck do you know that?"
"How the fuck do I know that?" / "How the fuck do I know that?"
"Just who the fuck are you?" / "Just who the fuck are you?"
They stared at each other a little longer.
Before sighing and putting down their weapons.
"This is such a waste of my fucking time!" / "This is such a waste of my fucking time!"
They remained in silence for a little while before Accelerator turned around and walked back to where he was sitting before she got there.
"You… Vento was it? How about if we just divorce and pretend this never happened?"
That remark however far from calming her only made her angrier.
"Is not that easy asshole, I don't give a crap about the laws of this stupid city, the only one I care about is the law of God and he doesn't allow…"
But then she got an idea.
"Lend me a phone!"
"I said lend me a fucking phone! I'm going to fix this whole thing right now."
"And how are you planning to do that?"
"You really don't know anything do you? Christian laws don't allow divorce, but they allow to annul a marriage if it's determined that certain conditions weren't met during the ceremony, like having no free will because you were being drugged into it for an example; so I'll just get the pope to declare an annulment and then I won't have to see your stupid face ever again."
She also thought to herself.
'I won't get my virginity back but I guess I can't keep crying over spilled milk.'
For some reason her choice of words in that last sentence made her feel dirty.
"You're going to call the freaking pope? The hell do you think you are bitch?"
She just laughed at him.
"You really don't know anything do you? The woman you married is a member of God's right seat; I got the pope eating on the palm of my hand."
Accelerator just rolled his eyes and threw his cell phone at her.
"Tsk! Whatever makes you happy bitch!"
She ignored his remark, quickly made a long distance call to the Vatican and calmly waited for the call to connect.
Believe it or not The Pope's isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out or I'd pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not I'm not home.
"Tsk! Stupid idiot and his obsession with American sitcoms!"
She hanged up the phone and threw it back at Accelerator.
"Whatever! He must be giving a speech or something I'll get him later."
He just grunted, put the phone back into his pocket and began to walk away.
"The hell are you going?"
"None of your goddamn business."
Accelerator turned around and gently pushed her towards a nearby wall until they were face to face.
"Listen bitch, I don't like this whole situation any more than you do, so just fucking leave me alone will ya!"
He noticed the compromising position they were in, they were so close he could feel her breathing and also how she looked a little flustered and a little shaken, so he began to back out, but as he was moving he saw how Vento threw the chain on her tongue around his neck then grabbed the moving tip with her mouth, bit it and pulled him in for a kiss.
Accelerator was surprised, her kiss tasted weird, like a mixture of saliva and metal that was somehow disgusting but exotic and nostalgic at the same time, this coupled with the way her tongue was skillfully exploring his mouth, hitting all the right spots convinced him to just let her do as she wanted.
It was nearly a minute later when she had enough and let go of the chain that joined them together.
Accelerator could barely speak, he was panting heavily and so was her; their eyes were locked on each other's not wanting to let go of that sight.
"The hell did you do that for?"
She opened her mouth and her voice was wavering and stuttering, trying her best to form a coherent sentence.
"Hell… hell if I know… I just wanted to!"
Quite frankly, she didn't have a reason for kissing him; it just felt like the right thing to do.
"What the fuck do you mean you just wanted to?"
He pushed her back into the wall, placing his right hand besides her head and his left on his chocker.
"You think you can go around kissing people just because you felt like it bitch…?"
"Ye… Yeah… of course I can… you're my fucking husband remember!"
"In that case, you're my fucking wife too you know!"
"Tsk! You don't have the guts."
"Go ahead then… My chastity is gone and we're fucking married anyway so why the fuck not!"
He just made a weird grin and pushed the button on his chocker, unsurprisingly he noticed there was a filter in place to prevent her from being reflected automatically.
"Don't mind if I do, but I don't want to hear you whining about it later…"
He got his face closer to hers and grinned.
Around 15 minutes later:
"You know maybe we should give this whole marriage thing a try."
Vento was calmly fixing her clothes, trying to sound as dignified as she could while she made that proposal, looking away so he would not see the huge smile she had on her face.
"Chuckle Fucking whore!"
"Shut up! You enjoyed that as much as I did!"
A huge grin appeared on Accelerator face; quite frankly she was right… not like he was going to admit it though.
"Doesn't make you any less of a whore."
"You have a whore for a wife then."
"So you admit it?"
She got closer and pushed him against a wall just like he did her a few minutes ago.
"Listen asshole, if I am a whore then I am your whore, so you better take fucking responsibility for it."
Then she carefully moved her hand through Accelerator's neck, caressing the skin around his chocker but without activating the device.
"Just 15 minutes? And how long does it takes to recharge? Seriously… sigh You really are fucking useless."
But he couldn't finish his comeback since Vento shut his mouth with hers.
"Oh well… Then I guess it's my turn to take these matters into my own hands…"
She opened her mouth to lick her lips and slowly let the chain of Divine Punishment fall.
Another 15 minutes later:
"Yeah… maybe you're right and we should give this marriage thing a try."
Accelerator was calmly fixing his clothes, trying to sound as dignified as he could while he made that proposal, looking away so she would not see the huge smile he had on his face.
"Chuckle You sure you want to be married to a whore?"
Accelerator was ready to pounce at her, but something inside of him stopped him again.
"Ok you win, I take that back, you're not a whore… bitch."
"Chuckle That apology sucked... but I'll take it... but you know like I said before I might be a bitch, but I'm your bitch and guess what? You're my bitch too, so get fucking used to it already!"
"Tsk! We'll see about that!"
They nodded at each other and then quietly walked back to the apartment, once they arrived Yomikawa and Yoshikawa were waiting for them.
"So I'm guessing you guys made up already."
"You could say so." / "Yeah… why not?"
"Thank god, you know you guys need to start being quieter, we could hear everything from here, if you keep it up we'll start hearing from the neighbors soon."
They blushed and could only mutter a little "Shut up!" before trying to escape.
"By the way we just got back the documents… You wouldn't believe the face of the mailman when he brought them and heard the musical background."
They were going to protest but before they could Yomikawa handed them a big envelope.
"There you go."
They opened the thing and took a quick look at the papers on it.
"The hell is this?"
"Those are the adoptions papers you signed the other day… congratulations, you're now the official parents of Last Order."
They let the papers fall on the floor as Last Order appeared from behind Yomikawa and jumped so she could hug them both at the same time.
"Mommy! Daddy! Misaka is so happy! says Misaka as Misaka acknowledges her parents. "
Meanwhile on the windowless building:
Aleister Crowley was quietly floating on his glass tube, looking through one of the many screens on it at the newest chapter of the twisted reality show that he liked to call Academy City.
"So let me see if I get this straight… you married those two against their will just for shit and giggles."
"Yeah… pretty much."
"Are you sure about this? This move could easily backfire and hand over the most valuable esper to the Roman Catholics."
He just gave a brief chuckle before looking at the screen again.
"You worry over nothing, those two are going to be way too busy snarking at each other until the tension breaks in and they have sex to do anything else… let alone conspire against me."
The strange being in front of him looked at him with disgust.
"And you won't even let them have privacy… you really are a voyeur aren't you?"
"What can I say? It does get boring you know… floating upside down on a test tube all day, all I can do is checking whether or not everything is going as planned and it always is, so this is my only form of entertainment."
He looked at the screen and noticed they'd begun snarking at each other again.
"And it's wonderful!"