In a fit of (possibly misguided) enthusiasm, I asked my friends for Pokemon/Pokemon pairings and then wrote stories for them. Herein lurks off-beat humor and mind-bleach subjects.


Garbodor/Musharna

Musharna was the most beautifulest thing the Garbodor had ever seen. The Musharna spent most of its time asleep, but when it was awake, the Garbodor could do nothing but lurk in some nearby shadows and stare with love/completely not stalkerish lust.

Anyway, one time Gardodor was sneaking up uncreepily to just be near its beloved, sleeping Musharna. Unfortunately its well-cultivated aroma of sour milk, compost, and shame woke the Musharna up.

The Musharna's eye focused on Garbodor. Then it screamed.

The Garbodor screamed back. Then it sprayed noxious sleeping gas on its beloved and Musharna fell into a truly deep level of unconsciousness. It wasn't even floating anymore.

Garbodor looked around desperately. Then it surreptitiously wrapped its greasy trash appendages around its perfect new Musharna wife and dragged it away into a cave to be together forever and ever.


Conkeldurr/Gurdurr (very bad language)

A Gurdurr woke up at the feet of a Conkeldurr. It said, "Motherfuck, my fucking head."

Conkeldurr laughed thickly. "Conkeldurrrr," it said.

"Oh, fuck me. Fucking Christ. You retard, did you hit me with one of your fucking pillars?" The Gurdurr struggled to its feet. "I am the best Gurdurr around these parts, okay. I don't know what fucking happens between evolutionary goddamn stages, but I know for a fact that you at least started off fucking smarter than this."

The Conkeldurr smiled vacantly. "Conkel-" it began, lifting a pillar one-handed.

"Whoa, shit, what the fuck are you-" Gurdurr said, moving away.

"-DURRRR!" the Conkeldurr finished, whacking the Gurdurr solidly in the head.

Five more rounds of concussions later, the Gurdurr woke up and slurred through a bloody nose and bloody ears and a bloody brain, "Gurrrrr...durrrrrr..."

The Conkeldurr nodded to itself. Part of of the evolution process was complete.

Next came the sexual initiation.


Wailord/Skitty

The Wailord carefully turned upside-down in the water and said, "Okay, big boy, show me what you've got."

The Skitty walked across her stomach, slipping a few times when his innate feline grace crashed headfirst into the concept of water-slicked blubbery whale skin. Then he wandered around a little more.

"Uh, okay, I'm pretty well situated up here," he called toward his True Love's head region, several yards away.

The Wailord said, "I said, 'Okay,' honey, what are you waiting for?"

The Skitty disappeared into the Cavern of Nightmares of Which We Shall Not Speak.

The Wailord waited a few minutes and then said, "Honey?" and then, "...Oh. Ooooh. Probably should've thought of this sooner." She began vigorously faking it. "Mmm! Yes! You are doing well! I can totally feel whatever you're doing down there!"

After a few more minutes, the Skitty surfaced again. He said woodenly, "I don't know what just happened. And I don't want to know. I found this egg down there, and it's three times my size, and I think we should break up because that level of fucked up cannot happen again. It just can't."


Drifloon/Snorlax

Snorlax yawned, patted his favorite balloon, and fell asleep. About an hour later, in the middle of a nice dream about sunbathing, it rolled over.

There was a loud pop.

The Snorlax jolted awake. "My balloon!" it cried, a little sleep-befuddled.

"It's okay," came a voice. When Snorlax rolled away, a purple round shape rose out of the sad remains of its favorite balloon.

"It's okay," the Drifloon repeated. "I'm the ghost of your favorite balloon. And you're my favorite Snorlax, too."


Feebas/Magikarp

"Feebas," the Feebas said. He was the loneliest any Feebas had ever been. He was pretty unsightly, even for a gross species such as Feebas. With this Feebas' luck, it would turn out to be an ugly Milotic, even though that was 'supposedly' just an urban myth.

A Magikarp tumbled blindly through the water and collided with Feebas' scaly side. The Magikarp, overcome with emotion, said, "Magikarp," which here means, "I'm sorry for running into you, I was trying to practice an attack that might actually wound a predator."

The Feebas said, "Feebas." ("That's okay, I was just floating here, thinking about how ugly I am.")

The Magikarp said, "Magikarp." ("You're not ugly! In my eyes, anything that isn't gold is exotic. In a good way, not in a dancing kind of way.")

The Feebas said, "Feebas." ("Your quote attack unquote didn't harm me at all. But it's okay, I'll protect you.")

The Magikarp said, "Magikarp." ("I would totally call you a chauvinist if I had ever read a dictionary. As it is, I think it's time for some frolicking.")

The Feebas said, "Feebas." ("Um, can we skip the frolicking and just go do some dirty, dirty sexless fertilizing?")

And they lived happily ever after.

(And the sequel!) Milotic/Gyarados

Eventually the Feebas evolved into a Milotic and he felt way prettier. Through careful tutoring (and letting her win a few times, for experience's sake), he also got the Magikarp to evolve.

They started at each other for a few minutes afterward.

The Milotic said eventually, "You're bigger than I am. Wait, that's not right. The male should be the bigger one!"

The Gyarados whipped Milotic with her tail. "Okay. I've been wanting to say this for a long time, Milotic. I just wasn't able to articulate it. You are an asshole."

The Milotic totally would have gaped at her if that wouldn't have ruined his artistic line. He said, "But - I was ugly! I had to develop a good character to compensate!"

The Gyarados sighed and looked at the Milotic with pity. "I was an idiot. You didn't actually need much personality to keep me around."

The Milotic sulked and grumbled, "Oh. So. I guess you're leaving, then. Now that you're not an idiot."

"Oh, no, it's okay," the Gyarados said breezily. Well, as breezily as she could, considering her voice came out in a screeching roar. "I'm smarter now. I know that I'll be able to nurse you through this learning process."

The Milotic laughed in spite of himself - and then realized that that had probably been a joke. He said, "Wait, smart you is kind of funny!"

"Asshole." The Gyarados whacked him with her tail again. "But, lucky for you, I'm also kind of a bitch. We're made for each other."


Sawk/Throh (This one turned out to be more sincere than I expected)

The Sawk and the Throh ran across each other one day in the wild, completely by accident and not at all because they were each sneaking away from their own herds to be together.

The Sawk didn't bother with a greeting; he simply assumed the opening pose for a fight. The Throh settled into its own pre-fight stance, across the clearing. On an unspoken cue, they dashed toward each other and locked into a pretty well-matched hold.

Each tried to toss the other over his shoulder and gain the upper hand. However, after many such training battles, they knew how to keep their weight distributed to prevent it. They were locked in a stalemate.

Each was locked in the arms of his supposed enemy.

And if they both knew other moves - and if they both could have broken the stalemate - perhaps that didn't matter when they could continue on this way forever.


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