Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Wicked

By BeagleDee

FEAR US.

The most surefire way to make a best friend is by making sure everyone laughs at them at a big party.

If your new best friend is 'different' from you, the best way to win them over for good is NOT to love them and accept them despite their quirks and eccentricities. On the contrary, they'll be eternally grateful if you do your very best to turn them into a dumb, boring, "popular" conformist and imply that there's something wrong with them if they oppose this change.

A best friend lets you down when you need them most.

A good friend giggles when you announce your marriage plans the day you meet your boyfriend. A best friend runs away and sleeps with your fiancé.

Sometimes it's necessary—and perfectly acceptable— to lie to your friends and pretend to be dead, crushing their spirit and devastating them in the process.

Torturing little girls and small dogs is what a true role model does – she was a brat anyway.

If you feel your friend has wronged you, it's okay—and completely understandable- if you get evil people kill her sister and attempt to kill her and her lover.

Cat fights over the same man are a healthy part of any quality friendship.

Running off with a girl that you've only had about ten minutes of decent conversation with, especially if she's a notorious terrorist, is perfectly sane behavior and often the best course of action.

Ropes attached to the sky will always appear to swing on when you need to save the love of your life (and make a dramatic entrance).

Leaving your friend to suffer with an idiotic population when she has no experience in true leadership, all the while believing that she's killed three people she loved, is a great way to end a relationship as long as you get your own happily-ever-after in the process.

Get chucked out of 525,600 schools, sleep with twice as many girls, make a racist comment to someone you've just met, mistreat your girlfriend to the point of desperation… all this and more is fine as long as you're hot and you save the awkward green girl that audiences identify with in her time of need.

While daringly swinging onto the scene on a random rope to rescue your girlfriend from certain death, it's best if you immediately make a slur about her skin color.

Your mortal enemy will have an immediate change of heart and then become your best friend, and NOT laugh at you at all, if you do a very doofy dance at a very public party in the silly hat she told you to wear. In fact, she'll start dancing WITH you, and from that moment on, all thoughts of her reputation aside, she'll become your very best friend and have a heart of gold.

Tight white pants are hot, and do not at all lead your friends to question your sexuality.

When you hate someone, you're likely to sing a suggestive song about them.

A dead person's shoes- mind you, old shoes that have been owned by said dead person since her college days and probably stink- are worth terrorizing small children over.

Children of both worlds are so magical they don't require an explanation.

Love can form from racist comments, hair tossing, a Lion Cub scratch and acts of terrorism.

If you're an American who's mistakenly found your way to Oz, don't sleep around with pretty young wives of governors, because within the span of 20 or so years, you will go from being attractive enough to woo said pretty young things to being old, gray, and fat...

Taking advantage of a young girl is perfectly acceptable if you're on a quest to save your true love.

Evil dictators always get told they are bad and are sent home. Corrupt headmistresses are locked up forever.

If you're blonde and popular you should not be bitter that your fiancé has been leading you along for years only to leave you for a girl he barely knows.

Whenever you're singing a romantic song to the love of your life, we all know what you're really doing...

Disabled people will turn evil.

If the coolest guy in school hardly knows you and doesn't really like you anyway, don't sweat it. Give it a few years and sure enough he'll be head over heels for you and will literally lay down his life at your feet.

If you find a situation that you don't think that you can overcome, it's best to just run away with your boyfriend and let others deal with it.

Pointing a gun at an innocent woman is not only acceptable, but daring and heroic.

Education doesn't matter: you're much better off giving up college midway through and becoming a terrorist. Head teachers are evil anyway.

If you make a loud musical declaration to be eternally evil, it's okay to revoke it about ten minutes later, and all will surely be forgiven.

If your friend spitefully suggested a plot that killed your sister and nearly killed yourself and your lover, you should forgive her.

A good ruler is one who slanders her friends and lies to her people.

If you're a bad father, your daughters will become wicked witches.

Racist comments are a great form of comedy!

As is watching a talking goat suffer terrible abuse, be caged, and lose his ability to speak!

Munchkins don't have to be short.

A world where animals don't speak and are instead locked up in zoos is barbaric and unthinkable.

Dancing makes you look manly!

Strong women still need men to save them.

It's perfectly alright to be shallow and self absorbed . You'll still get a happy ending as long as you're male and really really ridiculously good-looking.

If you're too shy to confess your love the very second you become aware of it, you will be confined in a loveless relationship for years and your life will be ruined.

Or, if you are too shy to confess your love, your obsessive stalker will force you into years of servitude and then will attempt to murder you. You then will end up being transformed into an animated humanoid object.

If you are different from other people, you will live a life where no on accepts you and will eventually be driven out your country by a series of murderous hate crimes.

Romance is more important than friendship.

If you're told not to go somewhere because it's too dangerous, you should always go anyway.

Imprisoning thieves and murderers is bad.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Goodness knows the Wicked's lives are lonely.

Goodness knows the Wicked die alone.

Pink goes good with green. (Thank you 3Mindy3! Can't believe we forgot this.)

Fanfiction does not need to be at all close or accurate to its source material.

And coming soon, a title which we will present without any explanation whatsoever: The Epic Tale of Naked Fiyero!