***Author's note: hey guys, this is my new oneshot for my anniversary of three years! It's based off the song Snuff by Slipknot and some of the lines are actually in here, because they applied most to this story, and sort of got me to write it. Also, this is for a friend of mine who got the song stuck in my head, even if he won't ever know or read about this.
FYI: I don't own Inuyasha or the song it's based off. They belong to the rightful owners.
She told me everything. All the little dirty secrets she had, what she was ashamed of. She told me everything she lied about, and what did I tell her?
I never said anything to her that gave away too much of what I was. I kept my sins to myself. She walked away with things lifted off her shoulders; she walked away with her innocence restored, while I walked away with my sins and flaws still intact. Her secrets felt like a cage around me. She felt light when she told me them, I felt as if I couldn't breathe.
I was her biggest secret.
Was it possible for this woman to feel that way? She was supposed to love everything, protect the purity of everything. Why did she hide things? Why did she hide me?
Was it love? Was it truly love? The trust was so easy to break, so easy for it to turn to rage. Was that only a cover of what was to come to us? Was the love a cover for what we really wanted to do to each other?
Was love really love anymore?
It couldn't be; not with what happened between us. It was just masked rage. Rage at her for wanting me to change for her, rage at her for not understanding. The easily broken trust was proof of that.
But wasn't it rage that started the relationship? Didn't I question her about why she never killed me when I knew that if she wanted she could shoot me through the heart without even looking my way? Didn't I watch her, day after day, trying to figure that out? Didn't I angrily staring after her, telling myself she was weak?
Why did she call me down to sit with her that day? Did she want to tame a monster?
She tried, I think. She tested me by sharing her secrets, by talking to me. The last test was asking to turn human for her. And after I passed, we failed.
The rage broke free of its disguise.
She came after me when I had what I needed. She couldn't just shoot me and let me go, could she? No, that would mean she loved me, so she had to seal me to the tree.
She didn't really love me.
She died before I realized. She ran away before I could know. But my heart was too dark to care at that moment. I hated her, I was scarred, and I was loved by no one.
It was a black pit in my chest after I woke up.
She didn't break my heart, she didn't wound it. She couldn't hurt what wasn't there to begin with. My heart was destroyed long ago, long before her, long before my nightmare.
It wasn't love.
It was amazing that just thinking I loved her could send me into a tangle of fate. If I never knew her I wouldn't have waited there on the tree for fifty years. I wouldn't have realized I never loved her.
She was the first good thing in my life.
I didn't realize how much I needed her kindness. I needed it to live. I just wanted something to tell me that not everything was bad and wrong. I needed to see some light in the world. I only loved her kindness.
She only loved what I could have given her.
Everything was ripped apart when we were set against each other. Our trust was so easy to break. I couldn't know it wasn't her. She didn't look at all the things that proved I didn't do it.
She didn't want to proven anything.
I wished I could hurt her, but she died, and I was sealed to the tree. I could still think while I was sealed there, I had to let go of my hope to let go of her light.
She was turned against me so easily.
She could save her shame. I wouldn't hear it. Not now. She turned so easily, she didn't even think. She treated me like I should die. She didn't give me a chance. She thought I would turn on her as soon as I could.
She was just like all the others.
She was an angel, and angels didn't love demons. It was against all laws. Angels were supposed to hate demons; they were supposed to bring them down. They were supposed to make sure demons were brought down.
Isn't that what she did?
She brought me down. It was her mission all along, to bring down the demon. The worthless half demon. She was suppose to love me.
Angels lie to keep control.
She lied about loving me. She lied to save herself. She only loved what I could become, what I could do for her. If I became human the Jewel would have been gone and she could live a normal life.
She needed me so she could save herself.
She couldn't love me. Not in life, nor death. She needed me when she was alive, and she hated me when she was dead. She did everything to hurt me.
There's only a thin line between hatred and love.
She hated me, and she mistaken that for love. She didn't want me to live. She didn't want me to move on, or have a life, or live any more than the seal to the tree.
She wanted me to burn in hell with her.
She wanted me to suffer with her. She thought that was what I deserved. She didn't think I wanted to live, she didn't think of the people I would miss. She wanted me to suffer.
She didn't care.
She didn't care who I hurt, as long as I suffered with her. She didn't care about anyone but herself after she died. She only wanted things for herself.
I was surprised about her reincarnation.
Her reincarnation didn't do anything for herself. She didn't lie. She fought back. She didn't let me push her around.
She didn't want me to change.
The girl was truly an angel. She was the Angel of angels. She cared about me. She worried about me. She loved me. A worthless half breed. I didn't deserve anything like that from her.
She needed me.
She needed me to protect her. She didn't want anything else than that, and she didn't even ask me to protect her. She relied on me to do that, and sometimes I couldn't even do that right.
Kikyo tried to kill her.
Kikyo tried to kill her own reincarnation. The same soul, almost the same body. Was she jealous that she was alive? Was Kikyo hoping that killing her would bring her back?
Did Kikyo see how much this girl made me happy?
Did she want to take away my happiness? She didn't want me to be happy as long as she was in pain.
Kikyo didn't hate the girl.
She was indifferent about her. She didn't like her only because of the link the girl had to me. She didn't get into things only if it was me. Kikyo was trying to have the life she didn't get a chance to have. The girl was only a reminder that she was long dead, and that she shouldn't be here.
Kikyo needed to move on. She died so many times already from the same demon. She needed to rest. I was devastated every time she died too.
Kikyo was an avenging angel.
She needed to avenge herself to move on. She had to bring me with her. Kill the demon. Bring him down. Make him burn.
Why did it hurt so much then? If our relationship was only based on rage, why did I feel so horrible about it ending? We never fought before that day, well, other than when she wouldn't shoot me.
She was playing with me.
She was toying with me. She would not kill me. She wouldn't even kill me in the end. She was part of her reincarnation and her reincarnation loved me. Kikyo loved me, even in our twisted, low-trust relationship.
But she didn't love me enough.
She didn't love me enough to figure it out. She didn't love me enough to trust me. She didn't love me enough to let me stay the way I was. She didn't love me enough to not be ashamed by me.
I loved her.
I loved her, and that was why I loved Kagome. Kagome was so much better than Kikyo though, so much more kind, so much more loving. She trusted so easily. She had the same soul as Kikyo. But she was nothing like her. I loved Kagome because I was always meant to be with her, even when I loved Kikyo.
It is said that souls are connected across time.
Our souls would always find each other. Kikyo's soul found me after she was dead. But slowly, her soul wasn't Kikyo's soul anymore. It was Kagome's. I stopped seeing Kikyo whenever Kagome did something like Kikyo.
I stopped viewing Kagome the same way Kikyo was. Kikyo was an avenging angel. Kagome was just an angel.
They were both angels, here to save me.
I did realize Kikyo was there to set the chain reaction; she was the first stage of my healing. Kagome was the second stage. Two angels, one soul, to heal me.
Two angels to save a demon.
They loved me. I loved them. I still love Kagome. It's painful to stop loving someone who was once there. Kikyo was dead; there would be no one else like her, not even Kagome. They were separate, different people, different reactions.
They are angels.
****Author's note: hey guys, I hope you like it! I loved writing it, and I hope it makes some sense. So yeah, written for one of my friends, even though he'll never read it. It sort of relates to something he's been through recently. But only a little part. It's an echo through it. It starts in the beginning, and sort of starts to fade. Thanks for reading and please review!