Tagline: Look, Wilson, all I'm trying to do is kill two birds—one of which is in desperate need of flight—with one very sexy, very attractive stone.

Warning: Rated M for sexually explicit content including (but not limited to) M/M.

Disclaimer: I own an adorable cat, but she's relevant to neither House nor this story.

Hotel Rooms, Hookers, and Happiness

"House," Wilson sighed, watching the petite dark-haired hooker run her hands across his best friend's chest and back and feeling annoyed that she hadn't waited until after he left the room, "don't you think this has gone on long enough?"

"Five days is hardly long enough," House said cheerfully.

"You really think that sleeping with a different hooker every four hours is going to keep you happy for the rest of your life?"

He shrugged. "It's working so far. Maybe you should give it a try sometime."

Wilson simply stuttered, so House turned to the girl. Her shiny dark hair fell halfway down her back and her blue-green eyes glittered contentedly at him. "See," House explained, putting an arm around her shoulders, "I'm operating under this new theory that a man's happiness is directly related to the frequency of his getting laid. Twelve years ago I was seeing a woman named Stacy, we had sex pretty much every day, and I was happy. After she left, I was holed up in a bed with no one but Wilson and my physical therapist for company. I went over six months without sex and was miserable. After I recovered a bit, I started having sex once every few weeks with beautiful young women much like yourself. No longer miserable, but nowhere near happy either. That went on for about ten years. Then I got a new girlfriend, we started having sex all the time, and my happiness level rose again. Since she broke up with me, I've been having as much sex as ever—and look where it's gotten me." He grinned for dramatic effect. "Happy as ever.

"Now take Wilson, for example," House continued, gesturing across the room at his friend. "Theory applies to him, too. He gets married, has a lot of sex, and is happy for awhile. But then his marriage starts becoming routine, he gets bored with his wife, they have less and less sex, and he becomes less and less happy. In order to try and increase his happiness, he seeks sex outside his marriage. It works temporarily until his wife finds out, divorces him, and the sex goes back to nothing again. Then he gets all moody and depressed until he finds a new girlfriend."

"Right," Wilson interrupted. "I'm definitely just upset about missing out on sex, not the fact that I lost another person I cared about. Brilliant theory, House."

"See?" House said. "Look what a crappy mood he's in, and it's no wonder why. The man hasn't gotten laid in months."

Wilson began to sputter again. "You have no idea how long it's been since I've had sex," he accused.

Ignoring Wilson, House explained to the hooker, "If we could get Wilson into someone's pants today, by tomorrow he'd be a completely new man. A much less annoying one, too," he added.

"Aww," the girl said sympathetically, leaving House's side and walking over to Wilson. "You feeling lonely?" She started to rub his shoulders. "I can help with that."

Wilson had no intention of relaxing into the touch, but he didn't push her away either. Instead he just glared at House. "I don't need you to set me up with one of your hookers."

"Clearly you do," House shrugged. "Because you're no fun at all this way. I gave you ten days to get laid—that was exactly one month ago and you failed miserably."

"Right," Wilson said sarcastically. Then he stepped away from the escort's massage. "I'm leaving now. Enjoy your sex, House."

"No, don't go," the hooker said, grabbing Wilson's hand and pulling him back toward her. She gave him the kind of smile that made it possible to earn her living the way she did. "You're a sexy man. I'll only charge 10% more if you want to join us."

"Wha—join you?" Wilson stammered. "Are you out of your mind? I'm not doing this."

"You're missing out," House taunted. "Lexie's got quite a few tricks up her sleeve. You shouldn't refuse until you've seen her in action."

"I'm sure she's marvelous at her job," Wilson said, turning back around just feet from the door to face House again. "It's you I have no desire to see in action."

House rolled his eyes. "We've seen each other naked before."

"Yes, but not when we were–"

The older man interrupted the younger with a raising of his eyebrows. This time Wilson rolled his eyes. "Okay, I mean...on purpose."

House shrugged. "Don't know about you, but I think my eyes will be a bit too preoccupied with those to check out whatever you're packing, Wilson." He gestured toward Lexie's chest.

Unconcerned, she pushed the shoulder straps of her dress off her shoulders and let the garment fall to the ground at her feet. Wilson stared at the enormous breasts nearly falling out of the red lace lingerie she wore. His penis, which really hadn't seen any action outside of his own left hand in months, wanted to stare too.

But Wilson forced himself to shake his head. "I'm not doing this," he repeated. "Not just because of the three-way part—I'm not paying anyone to have sex with me."

"No need," House insisted, strolling over to the hooker and putting an arm around her waist. His fingers stroked her stomach through the flyaway baby-doll lingerie. "Lexie's on me. And I mean that literally," he added with a smirk.

But Wilson just shook his head again. "I'll have no part in this." He turned for the door again, hard-on be damned, but before he made it there Lexie's arms were around his waist.

"Come on," she purred into his back, running a tingling finger down his spine. "Have some fun. Get happy for once. You work too hard."

God, those hands...rubbing circles all over him, bringing goosebumps to his flesh...those breasts pressing against his back.

They pressed harder as Lexie leaned against him, standing on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. "You're not living if you don't try everything once. No one needs to know."

Wilson spun around, looking Lexie in the eye. "Look, I don't know how long you've known House for or how many times you've slept with him, but what you probably don't know is I cave and he'll put a public service announcement on primetime TV telling the world I slept with a hooker—and had a gay experience."

"It's not a gay experience if you're only touching her," House argued, joining the pair and putting an arm around the girl again. "Besides, you really think I'd want it spread around that I participated in a three-way with you?" He tsk'ed. "Not likely. Not when I can do so much better."

Wilson just rolled his eyes, so House continued. "Look, Wilson, all I'm trying to do is kill two birds—one of which is in desperate need of flight—with one very sexy, very attractive stone."

The younger doctor hesitated. "House..." he muttered, kind of wishing Lexie weren't close enough to hear, "...don't you think it'll make things weird between us?"

"No," House said matter-of-factly. "All we do is just never bring it up again. Like all that other shit that would have made things weird for us but never did because we don't talk about it."

Wilson didn't need to ask what House was referring to. Not just each having walked in on the other masturbating more than once—things like Wilson helping House into and out of the tub when the infarction had been too recent for him to move on his own. Wilson inserting and removing House's catheter when he couldn't go to the bathroom on his own after the infarction. Holding basins for House to throw up in when he was in so much pain he couldn't handle it, cleaning up the excess and wiping sweat off his friend's brow.

He had known House a lot of intimate ways before now, gotten way more personal with him than sex. These things were too personal, which was why they were never brought up again by either. And not talking about it did succeed in keeping their friendship from becoming weird.

Thinking about it succeeded in ridding Wilson of his erection, but a simple glance at Lexie changed that. She was running her hands up and down her own body with a blissful expression on her face.

Wilson quickly turned to House again. "Okay," he said quickly. "We never speak of it again—to each other or anyone else. Any other rules? You know...no-touching rules?"

"Do we really need them?" House asked, shrugging. "There's no law against cutting off your own balls with a chainsaw, but I've never seen a case of that in the clinic; have you?"

The younger man shuddered at the image. "Point taken."

"All right," said House cheerfully. "Well, Lexie's only paid 'til the end of the hour, so let's get this show on the road." He took the girl's hand to lead her to the bed. Grinning, she grabbed Wilson's hand with her free one, pulling him along playfully.

House and Lexie immediately started kissing, but she hadn't forgotten about Wilson. She tugged on his tie, twirling it flirtatiously and alternating between that and rubbing his chest through his shirt. She rubbed House's chest with her other hand, and he tried to undo his buttons one-handed while his other hand fondled her breast through the lingerie. Wilson stroked her sides and she giggled into House's mouth.

"Quit distracting my girl, Wilson," House said good-naturedly before kissing her again. Ignoring him, Wilson reached around to cup her other breast. Feeling the firm roundness against his palm sent a rush of blood south. He squeezed and then retrieved his hand so he could take off his tie and shirt. He did this quickly, tossing the clothes onto the floor behind him so he could return his hands to Lexie's body. Soon the hooker turned around, facing Wilson and giving him a turn at her mouth. Over her shoulder Wilson noticed House squeezing her ass and taking his shirt off the rest of the way.

But Lexie's tongue in his mouth distracted him from House. He kissed back with vigor—god it had been too long since he'd kissed someone. And Lexie was definitely...at least the second prettiest girl he'd ever kissed. Wilson thought his high school sweetheart could have given her a run for her money...but maybe his memories of her were a bit biased. And he couldn't help but wonder vaguely how much House was paying Lexie—she was acting like it she was completely into it, but of course she couldn't be really. If Wilson wasn't twice her age, he was at least close to it.

Don't think about that, Wilson told himself. He didn't want to feel sorry for her or think about her feelings. This was about sex, this was all it was. Just a good fuck, no feelings involved. He kissed her harder, grabbing her breast almost aggressively. She moaned into his mouth (probably acting, but Wilson decided to pretend it was real) and reached a hand down to cup his hard-on through his pants. God, that was nice, having it touched by someone else. House was right, it really had been too long for him. Wilson stroked Lexie's side gently, leaning his pelvis into her touch.

She responded by taking off his belt and then carefully unzipping his pants. He helped her rid himself of them and took off his boxers too, while he was at it. This threesome thing really wasn't bad at all. He'd all but forgotten House was even there.

Wilson was reminded of House's presence when Lexie turned away from him to give the older man some attention again, but she was good at balancing them. Even while she kissed her way down House's bare chest and played with one of his nipples, her other hand remained on Wilson's dick, giving him slow torturous strokes.

He groaned at the touch, reaching a hand beneath Lexie's lingerie to feel her breast and pinch her nipple. She moaned against House's stomach and put more pressure on Wilson's cock. At a nudge from the older man, she turned back to Wilson, kissing his chest, giving House a chance to take his pants and boxers off. Once he was completely naked, Lexie gave Wilson a peck on the lips, smiled at him, and turned around to face House again. During this time she had not paused in Wilson's hand-job, which was just enough touching to keep him aroused without bringing him off too soon.

Wilson stared at Lexie's ass, stroking it with the hand not preoccupied with her breast. He got a great view because she was bending over to suck House off. House was leaning against the hotel bed's headboard, legs spread wide with one on either side of Lexie and Wilson. The younger man had to stay slightly on Lexie's right side so she could still reach him with her face in House's crotch, and at that angle he could also see precisely what her mouth was doing to his penis. Though he was already aroused, the sight did increase his excitement a bit. Like watching closeup porn, but live.

However, it did feel a bit weird because the erection belonged to his best friend, so Wilson tried not to look too much. Instead he looked up and happened to catch House's eye. The older man was flushed with arousal and grinning with the pleasure of having his cock sucked. Wilson had never seen House look like this and was taken aback. It was...well...hot. He couldn't help but smile back. House's fingers were sliding through Lexie's long hair but he wasn't breaking eye contact with Wilson. He looked so happy. Wilson liked him like this. Almost without thinking about it, his right hand left Lexie's ass and instead began to stroke House's calf, which was right there next to Wilson's knee. House broke eye contact just for a second to look but did not comment. Wilson continued.

It was another minute before Lexie stopped blowing House. She leaned up and gave him a wet, steamy kiss before turning back to Wilson. She smiled at him seductively and then kissed him. Leaving off stroking him, she took both his hands in hers and helped him removed her panties. Then, still facing Wilson, Lexie lowered herself down onto House's erection. Whether she was faking the bliss or not, her face when he entered make Wilson leak. He scooted himself slightly closer, holding her sides in his hands. Once House was fully inside her, she leaned down (god, was she flexible) and started giving Wilson head.

Maybe it was because it was her job, but damn she was good at it. Wilson was surprised, considering how long she'd been sucking on House, that he hadn't come yet. But then again, he hadn't hired her for a quickie this time around, and she varied her speeds and movements to keep Wilson feeling incredible without sending him prematurely over the edge.

Wilson reached under Lexie to find one of her breasts again; it had been too long since he'd felt one, but he accidentally encountered House's hands instead. Oh. Her breasts were occupied. Well there were plenty of other places he could touch. He slid his dominant left hand through her hair and down her back. With his left, he thought about grabbing her ass but it was too close to House's crotch. Her left thigh was nearby, though, and he stroked that instead.

Right under Lexie's left thigh was House's left thigh. Wilson thought back to a few minutes ago, when he'd stroked House's calf. He'd done it without thinking, really, and a calf wasn't very high on the list of erotic body parts, but House hadn't seemed to mind. Would he...?

Watching Lexie suck him off, Wilson almost absentmindedly transferred his hand from her thigh to House's. He rubbed small circles, moving his hand further and further down so it was almost between House's leg and the sheet. Then he shot House a quick look, almost asking without words whether this was okay.

House wasn't smiling this time, but he held Wilson's gaze. Wilson kept rubbing House's skin. They looked at each other and they both knew they were breaking the rule they had refused to make. Then House looked away, silently giving Wilson permission to continue. Wilson's fingers, between House's leg and the bed now, crept further up his thigh toward his ass, pressing and kneading at the skin.

He didn't know why he kept pushing it. He'd never thought of this as something he wanted. Maybe he'd have a strange dream here or there, but he'd never actually considered...being in bed with a guy. Touching a guy during sex. When he'd finally agreed to this...this threesome fifteen minutes ago it was with the sole purpose of touching and being touched by Lexie. Now, though...as much as he was enjoying the hooker's mouth on one of the most sensitive parts of his body, he was also intensely curious how far he could take this with House.

So his hand continued to migrate until it was most definitely under House's ass rather than just his thigh. He gave an experimental squeeze.

House moaned slightly.

His dick was inside a woman, so Wilson could attribute the moan to that and the timing as coincidental, but he knew it wasn't. He started to knead House's ass and felt a sudden pressure on his own left hip. He looked down. Lexie had one hand on the length of Wilson not fitting into her mouth and the other on Wilson's side. The pressure on his hip was House's hand tightly gripping it.

Wilson looked up and caught House's eye again. The older man looked even more aroused than he had a minute ago. There was lust in his eyes as he stared at his best friend.

They did not break eye contact. Wilson kept kneading and squeezing House's ass cheek and House's hand migrated slowly from Wilson's left hip toward his groin area. Out of the corner of his eye Wilson saw House scratch Lexie's back, and though she did not stop what she was doing with her mouth, her hand let go of the base of Wilson's cock.

Over the course of a tense minute, House's hand replaced it.

They stared at each other, each silently daring the other to call it off, say they'd taken it too far. Neither did.

Lexie's mouth was now sucking on just the head of Wilson's dick. House gripped the rest and gave it a smooth stroke.

Wilson gasped out.

It wasn't any better, really, than Lexie's mouth had been a moment ago or than her hands had been a few minutes ago. Indeed, House's hands were rough and not the most pleasant texture. But it was...in a way...much more exciting.

Wilson squeezed House's ass tighter and the dominant left hand that had been previously exploring Lexie moved to House's right leg. Very careful of the damaged and missing muscle he slipped his hand under the back of House's thigh and started massaging. House closed his eyes and moaned. Wilson could tell it was a good moan.

Lexie had stopped sucking Wilson off completely by now and was instead administering wet kisses to various places all over his body. He couldn't honestly say he missed her mouth where it had been, though, because House's hand sliding up and down, using her saliva as lubricant, more than compensated.

House looked down and tapped Lexie on the shoulder. She turned around and looked at him and he must have given her some unspoken command, because she carefully extracted herself from between them.

Wilson pretended to be staring at Lexie's crotch as he watched House's hardened penis slip out of her. But seeing as how he was currently giving Wilson a hand-job, even if House knew what he was really looking at Wilson didn't think he'd mind. House put his free hand on Wilson's hip to beckon him closer, and Wilson nervously scooted forward on the bed. Lexie moved behind Wilson, wrapping her arms around him and pressing her breasts to his back. She suckled on the back of his neck. It felt nice. Almost as nice as House's hand still stroking him, playing with him.

Wilson glanced down at the other man's cock again. Would House let him...? Did he even want to...?

Looking into his best friend's eyes, waiting for the signal to stop, Wilson slowly moved his left hand from House's thigh toward his dick. The signal to stop didn't come, so Wilson gripped it in his fingers and gave a gentle squeeze. House gave him an aroused smile and pulled their bodies closer. Lexie was still behind Wilson, touching him, but the younger man's attention was on his best friend now. Their erections were nearly touching.

Then they did touch.

Wilson gasped out at the unexpected contact, the sudden throbbing hardness against his own. It was like a jolt of electricity through his body.

House must have felt the exact same thing, because the fire in his eyes deepened drastically and the sapphire in them was pure desire when Wilson looked at him, just inches away. He knew his own eyes were reflecting something similar.

And then they were kissing. Wilson guessed that House initiated it, but for all he knew it might have been him because in staring at House that way he'd wanted it just as badly. Their lips pressed together furiously. Press, release, repeat. Wilson's arm was around House's waist; the other hand had abandoned his cock to comb through the older man's hair. House still held Wilson's hard-on with one hand, though no longer stimulating it, but his other hand was on the back of Wilson's neck, pulling him closer.

It felt like they kissed for a long time though it probably wasn't more than a few minutes. A few minutes of tongues wresting to get into the other's mouth, teeth clashing, lips pressing bruisingly hard. Eventually House pulled back and both men stared at each other, panting for breath.

"Get behind me," House muttered to Wilson.

The younger man stared at him blankly for a second. House held out a hand, into which Lexie squeezed some lube from a bottle. She must have grabbed it from the nightstand while they were kissing; Wilson hadn't realized she'd let go of him.

But while he was processing that thought, Wilson felt something cold on his genitals and realized House was applying the lube to his penis. Then he reached under himself and Wilson knew where he was wiping the excess.

"Well?" House said to Wilson, still slightly breathless. He could see some doubt in the older man's eyes (after all, the original agreement had been for no contact between them), but that wasn't why Wilson hadn't moved yet.

"Don't you..." Wilson blushed. This wasn't a question he ever thought he'd have to ask someone. "Don't you have to...?"

Fortunately, House figured out where his friend was going and rolled his eyes. "No offense, Wilson, but the strap-on Lyla was wearing yesterday was bigger. I'm fine. Move."

Blushing harder now, Wilson obediently and...well...excitedly...moved to sit behind the older man. House took Wilson's hands, put them on his hips, grabbed Wilson's thighs, and together they slowly lowered him down.

House groaned as Wilson entered him, but it seemed to be a mixture of pleasure and pain. To Wilson it was just...whoa. Forget Lexie's magic mouth, this was a whole new realm of feeling. Constant pressure just...everywhere. It was almost beyond overwhelming and even though they hadn't started yet Wilson knew he didn't want to stop. He held House against him close.

But they were only halfway situated. Lexie was seating herself on House again, this time facing him. Wilson could see her face over House's shoulder and she gave him an encouraging smile. She reached around House to slide one hand up and down Wilson's side. It felt nice. Not as nice as House, muscles contracting all around him, but nice all the same.

And then the movement started. They rocked back and forth, a jumble of hands and limbs, all making some noise. Wilson didn't know how House could stand both of them at once. One of his hands was clenching Wilson's between his and Lexie's body, another was on Lexie's side...Wilson couldn't even keep track of Lexie's hands, as they kept moving. He kept catching sight of her breasts, but only for instants at a time before they became blocked from view by House's body or because he'd closed his eyes involuntarily. Shaking his head to himself, Wilson decided to forget about Lexie and just focus on House. He ran his free hand up and down his best friend's sweaty back, occasionally throwing his head back, marveling at the sensations overtaking him. But when he could, he pressed his lips to the back of House's neck, kissing and sucking, moaning into it more than occasionally.

At one point House turned his head around and Wilson adjusted his angle to grant the kiss the older man was obviously seeking. Their mouths moved against each other, open and shut. The kissing was short-lived, however; Wilson could tell that House was slowly losing it and could not focus on something as complicated as keeping his neck turned backwards to kiss.

Wilson knew he was getting there, too, though he couldn't tell quite how soon it would be. One of his hands was clasping House's chest and he could feel Lexie's breast pressing on the back of his hand but he wasn't even paying attention to that anymore. Everything was House. House's crying out, House's body everywhere against his, House's taste still in his mouth...House's body jerking, moving back and forth with renewed vigor and the friction on Wilson's dick almost more than he could stand.

He was high, he was there, he was clenching any part of House's body he could, thrusting with everything he had and hearing the cries and even "Wilson!"s this resulted in. It was all coming out of him so much and so hard and so good...so high...

Wilson fell backward onto the bed, panting and head lolling back and still completely out of it but he could feel House still against him. With half-closed eyes he saw House pat Lexie's ass in dismissal and she climbed off them. She smiled at Wilson before recovering her lingerie and dress from the floor and disappearing into the bathroom.

House rolled over and for a second Wilson thought it was the end of their intimate encounter, but he was merely getting more comfortable. Instead of lying on his back on top of Wilson he lay somewhere between on his side and on his stomach, half on top of Wilson. They looked at each other and Wilson felt a sense of intimacy deeper than he had this whole time. Maybe it was because now they were alone or maybe it was because they were still touching even though the goal of orgasm had already been achieved.

"So?" House asked. Wilson was aware of a hand rubbing his side gently and knew it couldn't be Lexie. "How is your happiness level compared to an hour ago? Is my theory right or wrong?"

Wilson smirked. House and his stupid theory. "You planned this," he accused.

"Of course," House said nonchalantly. "I've been sick of you moping around and knew I had to get you laid somehow. If I paid a girl to seduce you you'd just wuss out like you did the last time, you'd never agree to just sleep with a hooker knowing she was a hooker, and if I tried to seduce you myself you'd just think I was kidding or run like hell." He shrugged against Wilson. "So I found a way to compromise."

"I know," Wilson said. "But you planned..." he gestured at himself and House, who were doing something that could only be described in one of two ways: cuddling or snuggling. And since Lexie had gone and neither of them were now getting paid for this contact, it wasn't just sex anymore. "...this."

House shrugged again. "Nah. This is just a perk."

"So..." Wilson said, watching House's eyes carefully, "...are we gonna revoke the rule about not talking about it ever again?"

"Depends," House said. "You think we can talk about it without making things, and I quote 'weird between us'?"

"Depends," Wilson said, smiling slightly. "Will you reconsider my offer to move back in with me?"

"Depends," House said, and Wilson chuckled. "Is that offer being made for the same reason it was last time?"

Wilson shook his head.

"Okay," House agreed. "We can revoke the no talking rule. But only if you admit that my theory is correct."

Wilson shook his head again. "I can't," he said, and House raised his eyebrows. "Not yet anyway," Wilson clarified. Then he smiled. "I think we need to spend some time testing it out first."