Dear Hermione Granger,
Hermione, Herms, Mione, genius, whatever they are calling you these days, right?
You're brilliant! Truly! A mind beyond grasp- maybe even for Voldemort. You capacity for theory os astounding, but so is your close-mindedness.
Think about it! You're a witch! With magic, a broom, and we have a crooked nose in the books somewhere. How can you keep pushing some of your muggle ideals on Harry and the rest of the magical world?
That's not to say we hate you- some of us don't, some of us do. It's a love hate relationship thing; don't bother to think on it. We just need you to stop some of your... how do you say... righteous crusade. Tone down the know-it-all attitude. And by Merlin, relax!
House elves live to serve magic being! Why do you think that even when Dobby was freed that he kept trying to help Harry- besides being grateful? It's a part of them, magically binding. Let it go.
We know your smart- stop shoving it in the faces of others. Yes, thank you for helping Harry- Merlin knows he couldn't have done it without you, but your entire life is one, "No Harry, it's this" and "No Ron, you're wrong." It's more than just helping, it's about being right all the time. Stop it. That is what makes you some enemies.
Relax! You are far too uptight. Yeah, you're a muggleborn, but that is good. You don't have the lewd disease from insistent inbreeding- nor the downward spiral of intelligence and magical ability that accompanies it. You hare smart and powerful, and clean. You can start anew with only your mind. Spend more time enjoying the experience and less time ding what you think you should. Everyone is entitled to happy times. Look at Voldmort. All work and no play makes Tom into a snake-faced bastard.
That's all we wanted to say. Now, for god sakes, stop pining over Ron and actually act! It took you seven years to get together? Five if we get rid of the truly innocent age when girls still had cooties and boys were icky.
The friendly (for once) readers and writers of fanfiction.
P.S. We swear, if you send an uptight letter back correcting our grammar or contradicting us, we will totally ensure that you end up with Draco Malfoy in a lot of rated M fanfictions, so help us Merlin! (Not that you don't already...)