Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns it all.

Rated M for several reasons.


So here I fuckin' sit, in my tree, de facto ruler of all vampires.

He who knows shit has proudly announced that he always knew this was gonna happen, just not how or why. Fucker.

I wonder if he knew I'd be too scared to go home? My soon to be wife can't decide whether to fuck me senseless or rip me a new one, an' so far she's tried both. Though thankfully, to date, she's had more success with the former. I've been dreamin' for a long time of seeing her float down the aisle towards me, now I'm worried she'll be carryin' a fuckin' frying pan in her dainty little hands instead of a bouquet.

I shudder. As much as I love her mean ass temper I like it best when it's directed at someone other than me.

Even when I explained to her we weren't technically the new Volturi she was still pretty pissed. Apparently the distinction that we are in fact just the largest most powerful coven in the world didn't cut any ice with her either. Probably because my fuckin' brother then proceeded to tell her that as such we would be regarded as 'in charge' in lieu of a suitable alternative makin' themselves known. I think it was the knowledge that the most likely alternative to present themselves would be one Rutilio Asturias that pushed her over the edge.

Anyhow, I suppose it won't do any harm for the Guard, sorry, rest of my coven, to live in immortal fear of bein' crushed out of existence by the wife's nifty little gift. It was a nice SUV though, I was lookin' forward to havin' a drive. I suppose I should be grateful it wasn't Rosalie, it was a fuckin' close run thing.

"Jasper Nathaniel Whitlock!" My sister screams, nearly shattering my eardrums. "Get ya fuckin' ass back in this house. You need to get dressed, we're leavin' for the church in thirty minutes."

Yup. De facto ruler of all vampires.

A/N Okay, so clearly I have somehow managed to turn this into a trilogy. I know you're all groaning an' banging your heads on the table so I promise the next one will be the last story in the series. Absolutely. No more after the next one. Promise. Never again.

If you'd just come with me an' support me along with it, like you have done with the first two, I'd be the happiest an' most grateful writer in the world. Not that I'm begging or anything.

Oh right, I am, purleeeeaaaase . . . . . . . .

An' finally. On the subject of grateful an' happy. I'd spent many a contented hour on ff reading the wonderful stories that people write before finally plucking up the courage to have a go myself. An' I have to say, that it's the reviewers who keep me going an' lift me over the hump when I get stuck. So thank you, to all of you, it's really your fault I'm writing a third story, an' the more you review the quicker I'll get going, just sayin' . . . .