DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.
So sometimes it feels like I only write stories about people talking about sex, but I don't know. It feels like a very teenager-y thing to constantly have sex on the brain whether you're having it or not.
This is my first Adam POV fic so I hope I've done him justice. I am not transgendered but I tried to be very sensitive to the issues Adam might go through, and no offense is meant. I've wanted to write this story for a few months but I've always been too nervous. And since I think Degrassi is going to screw up Adam and Fiona in the next four episodes, I really needed to get this done.
I want you to spend the night with me Saturday night. Mom and Declan are going back to the city and I don't know how to be alone and sober in my apartment. It's something I'm going to have to figure out, but for that first night, I'm going to need you.
But I'm not asking you to stay with me as a chaperone or as a friend. I love you, and I want to show you just how much I appreciate how you've been there for me and taken care of me and never given up on me. And I think…no…I know I'm ready to take that next step with you. No champagne, no acting, no pretenses. Just you and me. I can't think of anything more perfect.
I had read Fiona's email about fifteen times since she sent it an hour ago and I hadn't responded yet. I was currently reading it on my phone as I walked over to Eli's house, since we had made plans for a guys' night. I wasn't exactly sure how to respond.
Things between Fiona and me were really good. She had emailed me about two weeks after she was sent to rehab apologizing for telling me she never wanted to see me again and telling me about her treatment and how she was doing. We'd talk on the phone occasionally, and I was able to visit her once but we mostly shared our feelings through epically long emails. It was easier for both of us that way.
She'd been back home for a month now and though we saw each other frequently, both in school and out of school, we'd kept up the regular emails. She'd told me so many beautiful or dark emotional things: how much she was falling for me, how scared she was of testifying against Bobby even though she knew he deserved punishment for how he hurt her, how moving around the world had made her lonely and shy.
But this was the first time she'd ever brought up sex.
It wasn't like it came out of nowhere. We'd had plenty of intense makeouts on her couch at the condo on the rare occasion that her mother would leave us alone, and she snuck me into her bedroom one night while Declan distracted her mother, and we did take things slightly farther than kissing.
But one of the reasons I originally was interested in her, besides her beauty and her wit and her classy elegance, was the fact that she wasn't looking for a sexual relationship. I knew I should be thrilled that she wanted to share that with me…but really, I was terrified.
I showed Drew the email before I left the house, and his only response was to slap me on the back in congratulations, tell me he'd cover for me with mom if I needed him to, and remind me that he told me all about his boiler room escapades with Bianca so I had to give him all the details.
I was hoping Eli might be a little more understanding, but I knew it would be weird to talk to him about this. He'd been a really good friend, but even as supportive as he was, we still mostly played video games together and talked about music. He wasn't super forthcoming about his experience with girls, given what happened with Julia and the fact that Clare was also my best friend.
But I definitely needed some advice on this.
The door to Eli's house was propped open, so I stuck my head inside. "Hello?" I called.
Thud. "Dammit, Cece."
"We're throwing it out. It doesn't matter if it's broken."
"This is an antique."
"It's from the 70s and it hasn't worked in twenty years. 1, 2, 3, lift."
I held the door open as Cece and Bullfrog shuffled past me, carrying a large console record player. "Need any help?" I asked.
"No, we got it, Adam," Bullfrog grunted. "Thanks."
They continued to argue as they dropped the record player at the curb, so I snuck into the house. Eli wasn't in the TV room so I went upstairs, curious to see how much progress he had made in his room.
The door was cracked so I pushed it open and got the shock of a lifetime.
Eli was laying on top of Clare, with her shirt unbuttoned most of the way down and his hand groping her under the cup of her bra. Her arm was wrapped around his neck and they were kissing with so much passion that I knew my face was bright red. I had seen them kiss many times before, but never like this – a private kiss that wasn't meant for anyone to witness. His lips skipped down to suck on the base of her neck and she let out a moan that jolted me back to reality.
I took a step back and knocked on the door, averting my eyes. "Uh…guys?" I said tentatively.
Clare shrieked and pushed Eli off her, and the noise caught my attention and I got a great view of Clare's shiny purple bra and cleavage as she tried to button her shirt. I shut my eyes and tried to get the image out of my head. She's your best friend. And so's her boyfriend. Stop thinking about her boobs. Which of course, made me think about Fiona's boobs, which was only a marginally safer image.
Clare sat on the edge of Eli's bed, facing away from the door, and Eli wrapped his arms around her, facing me. "Sorry, dude," he said. "We were just saying goodbye."
I couldn't help myself. "That was some goodbye," I teased.
Clare covered her face with her hands and Eli shot me a dirty look. He leaned closer and whispered something in her ear that I couldn't hear, and I could see her face relax. He kissed her cheek and grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet.
She looked over at me and her face turned bright red. "I need to go," she said, and Eli grabbed her arm to keep her from bolting out to the door.
"It's no big deal, Clare," I tried to reassure her.
"We can give you a ride home," Eli said, but Clare shook her head.
"I'd rather be alone right now." His face fell and I felt awful that I intruded on them and made her so upset. She gripped his hand tighter and met my eyes. "Can we pretend this never happened?"
"Of course," I said.
She looked relieved and gave Eli a peck on the cheek. "I'll leave you to your guys' night. Bye, honey."
He brought her in for a deeper kiss and I looked away. "I'll call you later to say goodnight."
She grinned and rolled her eyes at me before she left. Eli and I exchanged looks.
"Well, that was…interesting," I said.
"Sorry man. It was supposed to be a goodnight kiss but…" I laughed at Eli's blush. "She's hard to resist."
"Well, next time we have plans, look at a clock before you try to take her clothes off. Or at least make sure the door is closed."
He laughed. "I'll try to remember that next time. If Clare every lets me anywhere near her again."
I wiggled my eyebrows at him. "I'm sure she will. She seemed to be enjoying it."
Eli smirked. "Ready to kick my ass at Call of Duty?"
While it probably would be less awkward to bring up my Fiona issues over some blood and guts, I knew Cece and Bullfrog were around and there was no way I could ask Eli for advice with them hovering nearby.
"Actually, could we talk first?"
He laughed. "Are you breaking up with me?"
My face fell at his blasé response and he realized I was being serious. "Have a seat." He gestured at his bed, while taking a seat in his desk chair. "Tell Dr. Eli your problems."
I hesitated for a moment, and Eli's joking smirk fell off his face. He was always so sarcastic, and it was so rare for me to see him serious; that it made me feel more comfortable, like he wouldn't make fun of me. "Fiona emailed me. And she wants me to spend the night with her on Saturday."
Eli raised his eyebrows. "Spend the night like 'Let's snuggle on the couch and have a movie a movie marathon'? Or spend the night like 'Say goodbye to your virginity'?"
His joke made me laugh a little and I was feeling a lot more relaxed about asking him for advice. "More the second one."
"Got any advice?" I tried to keep my tone light, even though I was freaking out inside.
"Use protection?" My face fell and Eli realized his mistake. "Dude, fuck, I'm such an idiot."
"No big deal," I said. I'd rather Eli forget and think I was too much of a guy than the other way around.
"That's awesome, though. You and Fiona." He gave me a curious look. "Isn't it?"
He laughed. "If Clare sent me an email like that, I'd be doing backflips."
Eli's face grew serious again. "You know, if you're not ready, you don't have to do this."
Yeah, like that was an option. "What kind of guy turns down his girlfriend?"
"I did." I gave Eli a skeptical look. "When Clare found out her parents were getting divorced, it sort of made her question everything she was brought up to believe. And I don't know exactly what happened, but she showed up on my doorstep and asked me to sleep with her."
I vaguely remembered Clare telling me she had thrown herself at Eli and gotten rejected, but I thought she was just talking about kissing or something. "Yeah, but your turned her down for her. You knew she was just upset and not ready."
He shook his head. "That was the main reason. But I also was afraid to show her my room. And part of me was terrified. We hadn't been dating that long and I was still trying to figure out how I felt about her. It's a big step, and even though I had taken it before, it was different with Clare. She wasn't ready, but I wasn't ready either."
"Are you ready now? If Clare showed up on your doorstep, would you turn her down again?"
He grinned. "If I really and truly thought Clare were ready, I'd have to fight really hard to get her all the way up to my room before I was inside her."
That brought a really unfortunate image to my mind. "Eli, gross."
"Sorry," he offered, not really sounding sorry at all. "But if you don't feel that way about Fiona, you may just need more time. There's nothing wrong with that."
"It's not that I don't want to…I'm just not sure I even really know what that means for me."
Recognition dawned on Eli's face. "So it's not that she's the wrong girl…it's that you're the wrong guy."
"Adam, Fiona knows about you. If she wasn't comfortable being with you, she wouldn't be your girlfriend. And she definitely wouldn't ask you to have sex with her."
"But that's the problem. I can't have sex with her."
"That isn't true."
I rolled my eyes. "Eli, come on."
Eli's eyes narrowed. He leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "Okay, look at it this way. Say there's two lesbians…"
"Lesbians?" I repeated. I could feel my hands tensing into fists, ready to defend myself against Eli comparing me to a girl.
"Really hot lesbians," he said seriously. "And they meet in college so they're like 18 and neither of them have been in a relationship before. And they fall in love and they get married and then they have a couple of kids, either by adopting or artificial insemination or whatever. And then, the years go by and then they're celebrating their 20 year anniversary."
"What exactly does this have to do with me and Fiona?"
"After twenty years of having really hot sex together…would you consider them virgins?"
"No," I muttered, realizing where he was going with this.
"I know you wish it could be different for you. But maybe you just need to take this opportunity to see what it will be like."
"How far have you gotten with Clare?" I asked suddenly and Eli looked surprised.
"Umm…are you sure you want to know that?"
"It can't be worse than actually seeing you with your hand inside her bra."
Eli laughed. "Well, it's a relatively recent development but we've reached the oral sex phase."
Wow. "I was not expecting that."
"She looks innocent on the outside…but when she's in bed…you have no idea." The look of happiness on Eli's face made me intensely jealous. I wanted that for me and Fiona…but I didn't think it would be possible.
"So is Clare still a virgin?"
"Yeah, we haven't…" Eli broke off when he realized what I was implying. "Touché, Adam."
"So it's not exactly the same thing."
"I'm not saying it's not going to be different for you. But you can have sex with Fiona if you want to. Don't talk yourself out of it because of a stupid definition."
His argument was valid, but it didn't really help my fears. "I'm just worried I won't be able to please her."
Eli looked uncomfortable. "If I tell you something, do you promise not to mock me? Or tell anyone else?"
"Of course," I said, confused.
"Look, sex is amazing. It feels really good and it can be really emotional and it's a great way to get close to someone."
"But as a way to please a woman…look, I slept with Julia for like four months, and don't get me wrong, she enjoyed herself, but it wasn't exactly the easiest or best way to give her a good time. It took a while for us to figure out how to make it good for her, and even then, most of the time she preferred getting off in other ways."
"Do you think I would admit that if it wasn't the truth? Just believe me when I say Fiona will enjoy the stuff you do together and she's not going to be thinking about the stuff you can't do. Just talk things over with her and figure out how you can make each other comfortable and happy, and trust me, she'll enjoy it." He smirked. "Clare certainly does."
Ugh. "I am never going to be able to look at Clare the same way after today."
Eli grinned. "So are you okay now?"
I groaned. "I don't know." I flopped over so I was lying flat on his bed.
"I wish I knew how to help you. I mean, Fiona's smoking hot. If you don't want to hit that, you might be looking at a life of celibacy. And that would suck."
"Tell me about it," I muttered.
"Have you guys done anything? I mean, besides kissing?"
"We've gotten as far as you and Clare did this afternoon."
Eli laughed. "You mean, as far as the part you got to see."
"Ugh, Eli. I think I've heard enough about your sex life today."
"Okay so you've basically copped a cheap feel. Has she done anything to you?"
I shook my head, then realized Eli probably couldn't tell from this position and sat up. "No."
"No because she hasn't tried? Or no because you won't let her?"
I didn't respond, too embarrassed to admit that on several occasions I had pushed her hands out of my shirt and away from my belt buckle.
Eli looked like he understood. "If you weren't transgender, and Fiona showed up on your doorstep wearing a trench coat and nothing underneath…what would you do?"
"I would do anything that she'd let me." I looked down sadly. "Things have been so good between us. I'm worried that once she sees the real me, she's not going to want me anymore."
"But it's not like she doesn't know what to expect. You've talked about it. She knows what she's getting into."
"But it's one thing to know something intellectually and another to see that your boyfriend's boobs are practically the same size as yours."
"Are they really?" Eli's jaw dropped in shock and I crossed my arms over my chest.
"What the fuck, dude?"
"Sorry, I just wasn't expecting you to say something like that." He laughed. "And just think it could be worse. You could be almost as big as my girlfriend."
Not only did I not want to think about this, but Clare's purple bra came back into my mind, and I needed the change the subject immediately. "Man, I'd give anything to see Fiona naked." A thought occurred to me. "Maybe I could just do stuff to her."
"That sounds possible," Eli said. But he wasn't entirely convincing.
"What?" I asked, wondering what his hesitation was.
"It's just…don't get me wrong, I love it when Clare…" He glanced at my cringing face and laughed. "When she does stuff to me. It's amazing. But it's every bit as amazing when I get to do stuff to her. The noises she makes and the look of pleasure on her face…there's nothing like it."
"That's what I want," I said softly.
"But it's also going to be what she wants…" Eli said gently.
I lay back down again in frustration. Everything Eli said made total sense. But it didn't make me feel any better.
"I think you've got two options."
I sat up and looked at Eli. "Yeah?"
"Option one is that you tell Fiona you're not ready. And you wait until you're more comfortable in your body, after you start taking the hormones or have some surgery, or whatever you need to do to make yourself feel more like the person you are."
That didn't sound all that appealing. My mother forbade me from taking any steps beyond haircuts, binding, and baggy jeans before I moved out of her house, and though I'd done some research on my options, I hadn't quite figured out when or how I'd make a more permanent transition.
"And option two?"
"You go to Fiona on Saturday and you tell her that you love her and you tell her everything that you just told me. And at the end of the conversation if both of you feel comfortable, you should try to take the next step. If you decide you're not ready or it doesn't feel right, you can stop. But talk to her first so that if you do need to stop, she doesn't feel rejected. And I don't think you're going to feel okay with this until you hear from her that she wants you just as much as you want her."
I considered for a moment. "How'd you get so smart?"
Eli smirked. "Between Julia and Clare, I've been trying to figure out relationships and sex for a couple years now. Trust me, having a giant cock only makes it a little bit easier."
"You're so full of shit." I cracked up.
He grinned and stood up. "Now can we go downstairs and play Xbox like normal dudes?"
He paused at the door. "Now that we're the kind of guys who can discuss our sex lives, you're totally going to tell me what happens on Saturday, right?"
I rolled my eyes. "Only if you promise to tell me when Clare finally gives it up to you."
He put his hand on my shoulder. "Sure. It'll give us a good excuse to stay friends for the next ten years."
I tried to hide my grin. Besides Drew, I'd never had a best friend before. "I give it a year tops."
"Our friendship?" Eli gasped and put his hand over his heart as if I had wounded him.
"Oh man, I hope so," he said, heading down the stairs.
I pulled out my phone to reply to Fiona's email. See you Saturday. I love you.