The bright side isn't far away; it's in front of your face. You realize is what you understand, even if you think you don't understand it.
Life has ways of how it works; we need to see that through the thin air.
We are who we are, not who we're not.
But the question is, how does life make you who you are, you make yourself the person you want to be.
What makes you happy, no one can change that? Things can change.
A lot of people have hurt me. I have cried and fought through the pain that hurts me. And when I looked at the bright side, people have looked at me like I was crazy, like I was weird—even though they have known me for a while.
So many people think they understand, but do they really?
The answer? No. Of course not because all they want to do is hurt and make me cry. But I end up stronger than any of them. Do they really understand that as long as I'm living, I'll always be looking on the bright side?
No. They don't. My parents think I'm goofy, Innocence hates me at the moment because we're going through a rough patch, Elwin and I are okay, but me and Will? Definitely N-O-P-E. It's like no matter how happy I am; they always want to bring me down. And every time I'm, let down, I pick myself back up. Can't they see that life goes on as you get over whatever's frustrating you?
Well, life does go on and I like to live it.
Hey! It's not my fault
December 15, 2010
MY LIFE IS A TOTAL mix-up. I am currently thirteen and yet I already have problems— too many of them, actually. Lola is being a big fat jerk, yet Elwin and I have to put up with it. I choose not to, but otherwise, Lola will run downstairs and tell mom and dad whatever I did wrong recently. And no mater how many times I follow her, she won't tell because she's scared that I'll tell one of hers. So either way, we're both going down—together.
Will and I are currently arguing over stupid stuff. Well, he's doing the I'm-the-boss-of-you Part; I'm doing the Ugh! Part. And no matter how many times I tell Will that we should stop, he always says, "No. That's why I'm going to tell dad." I'm surprised he didn't—yet. If I were, I would've already hurled myself off of the top porch of my house. Ugh! But I'm way too lucky. If I didn't pray to God everyday, I would've sworn that I would be d-e-a-d. And I wouldn't care. I don't want the misery, although I'd feel bad about the baby that'll die.
Some days I wonder, how is it that I'm the weak one out of all of us children in the house? I mean, don't get me wrong, I am young, but why do I have to go through all of this? Why do I have to be the one who goes through all of this? Is it just nonsense? Is this the way my life is suppose to be? Always getting hurt? Maybe I caused my own problems and that's what got me here—right now. What am I going to do with my life in the future? I don't want to sit around and be poor and lazy and in poverty like those who hadn't taken school seriously. I need a solution to all of this drama…. But I just don't know how.
My life has changed ever since I first looked at the world —when I was three. I think about everything I have done in the past. I know that I'm adopted; I remember when a random redheaded girl came up to me and hit me on the head on Sloppy Joe Day at preschool. I remember seeing my new mom and dad looking at me with sparkling eyes. I remember all of that. But why don't I remember who my real mommy and daddy were? The memories have to be in the back of my head.
I just don't know what to do. The Sara Lopez inside my head would certainly do something. But the Sara Gonzalez that everyone knows now? She is too busy struggling with life trying to pass the eighth grade while having to deal with bitches that don't know a single thing about me because last year I never showed my true colors.
Which brings me to the topic of last year. Last year, I wanted to reinvent myself. And I did. Meeting Ali Bruno and Mara Garcia. They were my friends until I had them meet. Then I became the third wheel. When Mara left, Ali came crawling under my wing. And then I was technically happy again. But that little voice in the back of my head said to slap the shit out of her mouth.
Then I had other friends that stuck by my side, like Tara. Tara has been my friend since last year and hasn't wanted to not be my friend ever since. We have been through a lot this year, starting with Cece being a bitch, Tyra obsessing over a guy, and me fighting Amy. Oh! Did I forget the "best" part? We—
Never mind. I won't dare to say.
Today is December 15, 2010 and I am a-okay. I have my hair straight because I was tired of seeing it curly. Although, I am having trouble figuring out how to do my hair, so I might as well concentrate on my mood today.
Today is the bitch's birthday and he expects everyone to give him something nice like an X-BOX 360. As if! Who the hell does Will think he is? Mr. I'm Perfect all the Time and you're not? Hell no. And this comes to the reason of why I am using profanity.
It's because right now, my life is a living Hell—literally. I mean, my dad's being an asshole, Lola is being a bitch (so is Will but he's always a bitch), and right now problems at school are giving me a fucking headache. God, please help it go away.
Yesterday, in History, I was talk to Megan. So why the hell would Cece come dip in my damn conversation? Easy. She's a bitch too. Anyways, I told her to butt out. So she said "No. I can do whatever I want." Then we ignored each other for a while. After a while of reading, she's going to come up to me and put her hand on my book. I just look at her with anger screaming on my face.
"Hi," I say, trying to keep my anger from showing. I started trembling so much because I was resisting the voice in my mind telling me to punch her in her face—I'm lucky I didn't because there was a teacher behind me.
"Hi," she says, mocking me.
"So… what do you want?"
"What do you want?"
"Stop mocking me."
"Stop mocking me."
"You know what? I don't have time for your b.s." Than I went back to reading and Cece simply walked away with an amused look on her face.
"I swear I wanna punch her in her face," I tell Marcus.
"I dare you to go do it," he says.
"Nah. I don't feel like walking."
For the next half of class, I was trembling with frustration.
Anyways, today I am on my page on Polyvore. I just added a new friend too. But my mind is stuck on something else. I can rarely concentrate.
December 15, 2010
I just fought Cece and beat her ass! But I got suspended for 3 days. Ugh.
January 3, 2011
A New Year
So far this year has been bad for me. What did I do to deserve to be yelled at constantly by dad? Since the mid summer of last year, dad has been a total jerk to everyone around the house—mostly me. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Why was this happening to me? Oh, because I'm "dumb" and I "don't listen." My dad said to me was a rude comments whether I made a mistake or not. I try to fix whatever "I did wrong" and I still end up in trouble. God, please help me.
So anyways, at this point in my life, I'm sad and angry.
January 4, 2011
Today I am typically doing nothing important. I have work to get done and a lot of books to read. I have a To-do List that needs to be completed, homework, and stress. In which I shouldn't be stressing—I'm only 13 after all.
"Your goal this year is to stop being soft," mom said a couple of days ago. Why did say this? Simple answer, because dad had bitched on me again and teased me about in—and then I cried. Ugh. I can't help it!
Friday, February 25, 2011
Today I am frustrated with this stupid computer because it is going really slow.
I am really supposed to be doing my LA class, but instead I'm doing this because I can't finish week four because it "disappeared" somehow. So now I'm doing week five. How am I going to catch up if a piece of the puzzle is missing?
I do not know.
How much slower can this computer get?
So many things are loading at once…it's really irritating.
So far these few weeks have been okay-ish. I've been mad, sad, angry, hopeless, and a little less confident.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Life sucks when people bring you down. All they do is talk crap because they have nothing better to do. They're insecure about themselves and when they bring you down, they bring themselves down too because they'll feel guilty in which they'd hurt someone else.
My life could not get any worse with my parents on my case all the time about stupid stuff like yelling and calling me a "dumbass" because I made a small mistake either turning on the wrong burner on the stove to almost breaking something accidently. What the hell? It's like all I have done is sit there and listen to them tell their little friends about how "bad" I am. They make me cry. And it's really sad.
How am I suppose to get through the day knowing my parents don't care anymore about what I say? They never listen—period. They assume a bunch of crap and then yell at me for it.
"You're lying! I know it," dad would say.
"I'm not lying, dad. I'm telling the truth."
How can he not understand what I'm saying? Is he deaf or something (no offense against deaf people though)? Does he not hear me correctly? Has he never believed me? Why is it so hard to explain what really happened? Am I going to die sometime? — because it would be so much better than living with this messed up family.
I am depressed and I need help NOW!
NOTICE: Help wanted and needed because I don't think I'll survive another day alive.
Hopes and dreams are useful after all