How NOT to Prank a Malfoy

Date: 11/17/2010

15-year-old Sirius Black was bored.

Those who knew the 5th year Gryffindor knew this was a very bad thing. A bored Sirius was an overly creative Sirius, one who tended to pull a massive prank on the student body when this bored. However, this time he would settle for a single student.

This had nothing to do with lack of imagination, nor lack of motive. No, it had more to do with McGonagall's stern displeasure when he'd managed to empty the entire school by setting loose a large swarm of Cornish Pixies. The little sneaks were destructive in the extreme and it had taken 4 hours to get rid of all the creatures.

So the handsome 5th year sat at the Gryffindor table at lunch and idly scanned the student body, deciding who he wanted to prank. There was the ever popular Snivellus, but Sirius had just gotten him two days ago.

It had been immensely entertaining to watch the black-eyed rage of the Slytherin when he'd realized exactly what Sirius' spell had done. Any time the greasy git had tried to say 'Gryffindork' he'd given a realistic roar instead. James had fallen on the floor during breakfast, he'd been laughing so hard.

There was the 5th year Ravenclaw girl who couldn't take no as an answer to some, uh, extracurricular activities. For a moment he looked in her direction, before rolling his eyes with a snort. As if he'd go out with her!

Turning his gaze down the Gryffindor table he spotted Peter discussing an essay with a 4th year girl. For a moment he debated pranking the boy, though James didn't approve of it. There was something about the rat Animagus that made him uneasy. James blew it off, saying that it was always funny to have the bumbling tag-along following them, though he was rather over-eager with his compliments.

Lily Evans had been passing by and the fiery red-head had tartly replied, "You'd better get your head checked, Potter. I'd swear it grew a couple inches with that egotistic comment."

That had fast become Sirius' favorite comeback of the week. Lily was quick on her feet and quicker with her dagger-sharp tongue.

Scanning the Slytherin table he suddenly smiled. He could feel James looking at him warily, it was what Lily would have called a 'cat that ate the canary' grin. "All right, Padfoot. What's got you so pleased all of a sudden?"

"I know who I'm going to prank," he announced happily.

"Who?"

"Git senior," Sirius replied. Remus inhaled a breath across the table, there was only one student they called 'Git Senior'.

"Lucius Malfoy?" he whispered incredulously. "Do you have a death wish, Padfoot?"

"No," Sirius said sullenly. "I just want to make him react." It was maddening, the Slytherin was so poised and collected and it drove Sirius insane.

"He does," James replied. "Coldly and methodically. He's a Death Eater wannabe if he's not Marked already, what do you expect him to do, laugh?"

Sirius eyed the blonde pureblood 7th year where he sat entertaining a few lackeys and his fiancé, Sirius' own cousin Narcissa Black. Every move was graceful and elegant, yet his face was expressionless.

"Give me until lunch tomorrow," he said in determination, grabbing his book bag and heading off to Charms.

James Potter shook his head, looked at Remus and said, "I think he really does have a death wish Moony."

They both got up and headed after their independent-minded friend.

Sirius lay on his bed in the dorm at two in the morning, thinking. He was frowning as he tried to decide how to pull off his prank. Suddenly he grinned and said, "A potion!"

Lucius Malfoy sat in the same spot every single day. It was one of the many predictable things about the Slytherin. The potion would take affect half-way through the day and would last for 12 hours. Grinning madly he hopped up and grabbed the Map. Borrowing James' invisibility cloak the teen disappeared, headed for somewhere to brew his simple potion.

When he entered the Great Hall four and a half hours later he whistled and walked to the Slytherin table, carefully pouring the pale red potion into the goblet 12 places from the left and right, in the exact middle of the table. He knew exactly where Lucius sat, having watched the older pureblood many times before.

When his two friends entered the Great Hall a half-hour later James looked at him and grumbled, "You are absurdly cheerful for 7 o'clock in the morning, Padfoot."

His grin only widened when Lucius Malfoy took his place and drank down the entire contents of the goblet. "Just wait until lunch, my friends."

"I'll only say nice things at your funeral, Padfoot," James said solemnly.

"Ha ha," Sirius said sarcastically.

When the friends walked in for lunch, Sirius looked around. No Lucius yet. He frowned slightly, what if the Slytherin didn't come down for lunch?

Remus took his seat next to Sirius and James sat across from them. About half-way through the meal Remus looked up and gulped. Shooting a look at Sirius he said, "Padfoot, please tell me—"

Sirius looked to the double doors and had to resist cracking up with laughter. There was Lucius Malfoy and the Slytherin looked ridiculous. Through eyes tearing up with suppressed laughter he stared at the older teen.

The most obvious thing to prank about Lucius Malfoy was his hair. It was very pale blonde and fell past his shoulder blades normally. At the moment it could be described as a pixie cut at best and was bright pink.

"Yup, that's my handiwork," he hissed through laughter.

Remus looked pained. "I was about to ask you to tell me that wasn't your work, Padfoot."

The Slytherin didn't react all through lunch. The moment he exited the Great Hall behind Sirius, however, he shot a bright pink curse at him. It apparently missed, because nothing changed.

Puzzled, Sirius went to bed. Oh well, I can't believe Lucius Malfoy actually missed with one of his spells though.

He hadn't missed. Sirius went down to breakfast the next day with his own fine black locks turned a bright pink with orange tips, a painful color mix courtesy of Lucius Malfoy. The most painful part about the whole thing was when he'd changed to Padfoot last night at midnight, both Moony and Prongs had gotten a big kick out of seeing a pink Grim-like dog with orange tipped fur. How Lucius' spell affected his Animagus form as well he couldn't figure out.

"I wonder how long it will take to find the counter?" Sirius mumbled to James.

"I dunno, but you'd better find it by 1 o'clock this afternoon."

"Why?" Sirius was almost afraid to ask.

"Because the Quidditch Team pictures are then."

Sirius jaw dropped until it felt like it should be hitting the table. Looking at the Slytherin table he was struck dumb with amazement. He'd finally gotten his reaction from the Slytherin.

The back-to-normal blonde was looking at him with a faint smile twisting pale lips. No, not a smile, he decided, it was more of a smirk. In fact, the expression fit so well Lucius could have slapped a trademark on it and called it the 'Malfoy Smirk'.

Eyes lighting in determination he said, "This means war."

Remus and James exchanged a glance and simultaneously groaned before dropping their heads to the table with a dramatic 'clunk'.

In Hogwarts to this day, however, there is a picture of the Gryffindor Quidditch team from 1975-76. Sitting on his broom in the Chaser position is Sirius Black, red and gold uniform clashing horribly with orange-tipped pink hair, courtesy of Lucius Malfoy.

It is a testimony to one of the major Malfoy rules: NEVER mess with the hair.