Author's notes: First draft, unedited. Girl!Toilet humor at it's BEST. Inspired by my brother's bone-headed comment that he thought PMS and the cramps that come with it was all in my head.
He has since been educated never to speak such lies. (I would like to be an auntie someday. I would hate it if he said that to his girlfriend and became neutered for life).
Aunt Flo's Guide to Making Your Guy Shut the Fuck Up
A Word of the Day Ficlet
Considering that she had begun living with people of the male persuasion when she was still . . . pure as the driven snow, Raven had ample time to plan how to hide the fact she was just as prone to mandatory monthly blood-letting as any other mammalian female. It wasn't that she was ashamed or disgusted or held any sort of personal negativity where the biological verity was concerned, it was simply that - taking in the culture - she had gleaned that the men of this world simply couldn't handle the idea of vaginal bleeding, no matter how natural and needed.
Of course, she had believed - for about half a second - that the men she kept company were exceptions, being heroes and facing death everyday . . . a girl's cycle really shouldn't be all that hard to bear in comparison. However, she was proven wrong when, upon asking Bruce to instruct her on this world's customs regarding the 'moon's blood' as her people called it, the Batman had paled to white and stuttered something about calling Babs.
A thirteen year old Raven had felt badly for a few moments before heaving a great sigh and stuffing toilet paper into her formerly pristine underwear; and from that moment on, she felt the less the men in her life knew about her menses, the better.
. . . until today . . .
Normally, her cycles were mild, short, and relatively painless. Today, however, she had woken with a moderately painful stitch in her back, a heavy uterus, and about 15 extra pounds about her midsection. If that wasn't enough the cramps radiated to her knees, and she could actually smell the scent of her own blood.
It made her nauseous on top of everything else.
After stumbling about and realizing that no she did not have ibuprofen, and yes it was morning, and fuck it was obstacle course training day in the Tower, Raven stalked through the halls of the Tower with something akin to murder in her eyes.
She wasn't angry though. No, this rumbling, swirling darkness was more than any piddling rage. This had no rhyme or reason. THIS was the legendary P-M-S. She grit her teeth and gave a slow, satisfactory grind before stepping into Cyborg's room, tearing through his closet. There wasn't much there; but she knew what she was looking for, and once she found it, Robin's closet was next.
Two hours, a tub of ice cream, and a hot soaking bath later, Raven (wearing a funky-but-comfortable ensemble of Robin's old sweat pants and one of Cy's over-sized grease stained garage shirts) stepped into the kitchen silently and made a bee-line to her cabinet o' tea only to shake her head wearily, stomp over to the frig and grab a soda.
Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy (who had been occupied with cooking, reading, and eating respectively) watched this unfold with something akin to horror; because not only was Raven fervently anti-soda, she was also rarely seen out of uniform.
"Er . . . Raven?" Robin started, remembering nearly too late to turn over his eggs.
She didn't respond, didn't even look at him.
Cyborg stood to shuffle over to where she was contemplating the cereal choices . . . at the chocolate/sugary end. "Hey, Rae, you feelin' alright?"
Sighing, rubbing her stomach gingerly, she breathed audibly into her nose and blew out of her mouth. "Ugh." (She really wished Star was here . . . Why did the only other girl in the Tower have to go visit home this month?)
BB kept stuffing his face with his tofu bacon. "She's okay. It's just, ya know, that time."
Raven shot the little green boy/man a glare that almost glowed. Of course he knew, his sense of smell was like that of a blood hound (pun not even close to intended).
Scratching his bald head, Cyborg's head swung this way and that, confused. "Huh?"
But Robin got it, blushing slightly then jittering uncomfortably as he scraped his eggs from pan to plate with jerky movements. "Ah."
"Shut. Up. Garfield." Raven's teeth were gritted like welded pieces of metal making her expression look as demonic as her voice sounded.
Cyborg was now graduating from confused to concerned. "Rae, is something wrong?"
Beast Boy giggled, "I wouldn't question her too hard, Cy-my-man. She might just bite your head off." He pointed up and to the left, "By the way, Rae, we've got Advil in the cupboard there."
"Hmph. No Midol, huh?"
"You and Star could put it on the list, ya know."
Robin decided now would be a good time to bring the conversation onto safer trails. "Um . . . so, Obstacle Course Training Day -"
Beast Boy grimaced, "Oh, bad moo-"
"NO. FUCKING. WAY." Raven's hair was floating. Floating.
Robin flinched. "If you're not . . . er feeling well, you can sit this one out, Raven."
Cyborg punched a hand to the table. "What the hell is going on?"
Raven had had enough and was determined to get back into bed and sleep this awful first day off. "I have my PERIOD, you idiot! And I am not doing anything - not the obstacle course, not the laundry, not the dishes. I am going to SLEEP and I will do it ALL DAY and if anyone even THINKS of disturbing me I will KNOW and I will HURT you." She gave all of them the stink eye.
But Robin couldn't stand for that behavior and before he could gather his thoughts, his mouth was saying, "Don't you think you're being a bit excessive and -"
She stood toe to toe with him, her hand warningly caressing the handle of the butcher knife, "I have gained fifteen pounds and a gut in one night, my pelvis is tight and my back is killing me. I have acne and my hair is greasy and I feel fat, bloated, and disgusting. And if that wasn't enough, my boobs hurt, I have the worst case of diarrhea ever, and there is blood gushing from my vagina, and it STINKS." Raven's look was set to skewer. "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. You, on the other hand, are more than welcome to my uterus."
The boy wonder didn't know what to say so he squeaked, "I think I'll pass."
He would swear later that her eyes snapped fire so hot, it singed the ends of his hair.