Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
Author's Notes: Reposted after revision. Revised, forgotten, and now found again! So please enjoy this forgotten and found again bit of lobster insanity.
"It wasn't my fault."
Sasuke glanced at the big white trucks and men in masks swarming over the apartment building and raised an eyebrow.
"Really? Whose fault was it?"
"The Lobster King's."
Sasuke raised an eyebrow.
Naruto, dressed in some oversized clothes he had been given after his scrub down, nodded rapidly.
"Really truly. You see, Hinata was going to come over to my apartment for dinner and I was going to make her fresh lobster."
Sasuke sighed. He was in for one of Uzumaki Naruto's Great and Exciting Epics in the Day of the Life of the Great Uzumaki Naruto! type thing. He just knew it. He leaned back against his car, and got comfortable. Naruto glared at him.
Sasuke nodded. "Lobster?"
"Right. So, fresh lobster because I only wanted the very best for my precious Hinata-chan! Out of my warm house I went, into the blistering cold of-"
"—into the blistering heat of late Summer. I ran down the sidewalks-"
"What happened to your car?"
"Do you want to hear this or not?"
"Shut-up. Sit down-"
"I'm already sitting down."
"—and no more interruptions! Anyway, I ran down the sidewalks, dodging old ladies and their yappy dogs, old men and their hard canes that they swung at me and all those rude teens with skateboards. By the time I got to the fish store, I was sweating and dehydrated and practically near death! But still, I forged on."
"In the fish market."
"Yes, Sasuke, in the fish market. Duh. I expertly navigated the maze of aisles and charging shopping carts to my prize—the lobster."
"I'm aware, thank you. I went through those lobsters one by one looking for the perfect size, shape, and color that would be just perfect for my fair Hinata-chan! Finally, after a long and grueling search, I found him. He was green and grey—" Naruto paused, and frowned at him. "You know they're not red until after you cook them right?"
"I am aware."
"Great. Okay. So, he was green and gray with great sharp claws that tried to rip my face apart the entire way home! While, of course, I ran through the same demented loonies that had plagued me on my way there! One of the old ladies yappy dogs even stole one of my shoes!" Naruto paused, lifting his left foot and wiggling his bare toes. "But still I prevailed! Even against the ravaging of the monster in my hand, for, I'm sure, he knew he was going into The Pot."
"He tried to rip your face apart. With his claws. I thought they boxed them and put rubber bands on their claws?"
"I thought the struggle would wear him out, which it did."
"Of course. Silly me. Continue."
"Right. I got him home, I wrestled that creature into the hot, boiling water of The Pot-"
"Still alive? Not very humane."
"He wished to die a warrior's death."
"—so I wrestled him in, but then the creature decided he was not good enough for my fair Hinata-chan! He burst out of the pot at a speed never before obtained by lobster kind and shot straight through the wall!"
"It really, really was. The lobster, now a king, crawled back out, its beady eyes trained on me, and with him, he brought an army! It was a mighty army indeed, and before I knew it, I was surrounded on all sides! I fought my way to the Lobster King, and we battled! It was fast and his pinchers were razor sharp, and eventually I had no choice but to flee for my life and leave my precious, precious Hinata-chan's dinner behind."
Sasuke blinked. "Do you have nothing better to do than come up with this stuff?"
Naruto looked mortally offended. "Hey, I'm just telling it how it is! And, besides, I'm not done yet."
"Of course you aren't," Sasuke sighed.
"I knew that to save my Hinata-chan's evening, I would need reinforcements. They came to my call in all their glory and we did glorious battle!"
"You said 'glory' twice."
"No, I said 'glory' and 'glorious'."
"Whatever! Let me finish my story!"
Sasuke smiled, victorious, and allowed him to continue.
"The battle raged long and hard, and by the end the enemy had feasted on my flesh and my men took their king back to his Howe."
"You know a Howe is a hill right?"
"Yes, to bury me."
"But in the procession they found to their great astonishment that I was yet alive! In great happiness and feasting they brought me back to the battlefield which they said would be entirely clear in two to three weeks."
"Because the Lobster King's arm was composed of…?"
"Termites. Terrible, vicious things bent on my destruction."
"So, I thought to myself. Where can I but rest my head for a week or two that would be free of the little devils? Why, Sasuke's of course! He's such a neat freak that he would never let such nasty things into his house!"
"Why? After the ordeal I went thought-"
"-and the trials I faced!-"
"—and my utter desperation and need just for a place to rest my weary head-!"
"Naruto! We live in the same apartment building." Sasuke snapped.
"Oh," Naruto said. "But the heartwarming story took so long…"
"Naruto, that story wasn't heartwarming. It was stupid." Sasuke informed him glaring at the pouting blond man. "I know for a fact you drove your car, you kept the lobster in the box, and you lost your shoe because the lobster escaped from the box and you threw your shoe through the wall and then the termites came out."
"…There was still a great deal of peril involved," Naruto grumbled.
"Yeah, whatever you, Loser." Sasuke said with a slight grin. "I guess we'll beg Sakura to let us have her living room."
"Okay…" Naruto said. "Do you think she'd buy the Lobster King story?"
"No, Naruto. I really don't think she would."
"What do you guys want?"
Standing out on the hot porch, their stuff in their aching arms and slung over their aching backs, Naruto and Sasuke smiled at her.
"Well," Sasuke said. "You see, Hinata was going to come over to Naruto's place and he wanted to make her some fresh lobster…"
Author's Notes: This bit of randomness was inspired by Colonel Mustang's Observation of a Shrimp by Pyrozia. Awesome story, and you should read it.