Déjà Vu by vampireisthenewblack
A/N: Sorry, it's been a long time coming. Always is with this fic, but I do keep coming back to it because I love these boys. Unfortunately they're only letting me see their story one little piece at a time.
Thanks to Niki, sapphirescribe, Seren, and Dellaterra.
Alec stands at the window looking out. I can't take my eyes off him. Beside me on the couch, Seth won't let go of my hand.
"I don't want to get on the plane," I whisper. "I don't want to go home."
"You have to go, love," Alec says.
Seth grips my hand tighter.
"Why'd you come back," I blurt, "if you're just going to leave again?"
The reflection of Alec in the window lifts its chin, and then he turns. "You came back. Now you have to go." His eyes flick to Seth, then back to me. "You've got a life to get on with."
I stare at him, incredulous. "Losing you almost killed me. What the hell do you know about my life now?"
He stares at me for long moments, then rolls his eyes. His gaze eventually comes to rest on Seth. "I know you've got a lad who loves you. He's warm, and he's bloody gorgeous, even if he does stink like a wet dog."
I don't know how Seth reacts. I can't look away from Alec. Seth doesn't move and I don't know what to say. What am I supposed to say? 'I was meant to grow old with you but then you died but it's okay because I've got someone else now?' It's not okay. Alec's right about Seth. He loves me. He's warm and beautiful. I think I love him. But he's not Alec. Alec was my life. He was the one. He was meant to be my forever and then he died. I went on living because I had to. Seth made life bearable, but he didn't heal the hole Alec left in my heart.
And he knows it.
I turn to Seth. "I love you," I whisper. It's the first time I've said it to him, and the shock shows on his face, and the hope, then despair as he anticipates what I'm going to say next. "I know you understand. Alec's not dead. I can't go home and forget that he's not dead."
"He is dead," Seth whispers. "He's not human anymore. He's not the same. You can't go back. I can't... Edward, I can't let you..."
I pull my hand out of Seth's and drag myself up onto my feet. "It's Alec," I spit. I turn to Alec, begging him with my eyes for help. "You're not dead. That other guy, Alistair, he's dead. You're not. You're walking around, talking. You're standing right in front of me. You came back. You could have just gone and I'd have no way of finding you—but you came back. You want me too. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you don't want me and I'll let you go."
I stand right in front of him, close enough to touch. Close enough to smell him. I look down at him, my Alec, and I stare into eyes that used to be blue. His eyes flick up to my hairline where the cut still stings, then back down to my lips. "I can't," he mouths silently. His eyes move to Seth behind me. "I'm sorry," he says, loud enough that I can hear him this time. "I'm sorry, mate. I'll never be able to leave him alone."
"You'll kill him," Seth says, and his voice is flat, emotionless, but I can hear the tension behind his control.
"He's all I've got." Alec's cold fingers slip into my hand, and he sighs. "He's the only thing I remember from before. Without him, I'm just a killer. Just a vampire. I'm Alistair's fuck-up. I wouldn't even know my name if it wasn't for him."
Seth is crying. "One day you'll get hungry and you'll kill him. Or worse. If you don't, what happens when you don't change and he does?"
Alec looks up at me. His eyes are shining, as if tears are about to fall, but they don't. "We were supposed to get old together, love," he whispers. "I remember."
"I don't care," I insist, shaking my head. "It doesn't matter."
"You'll care," Seth says.
I grit my teeth. "I won't." I'm still looking down at Alec, into his red eyes. "I love you. I don't care."
"What are you going to tell your family, Edward? That the last two years were a mistake? That he's not dead after all? Look at him! He's different. Anyone who sees him will know he's not the same. He won't change. Ever. You can't take him home. What are you gonna tell Jane? How the hell are you going to explain that?"
I drag my eyes away from Seth and wait for Alec to react. He doesn't.
"Have you seen her?" I ask. "She doesn't know, right? We saw her yesterday. I know she would have said something."
Alec's eyes narrow.
"He doesn't know who you're talking about," Seth says. "He doesn't remember her."
"It's the girl who looks like me," Alec says. "A sister? I only remember because sometimes she was there. In my memories of you, love. There's nothing more than that. I don't feel anything for her. She doesn't matter."
I stare at him with my mouth hanging open. I'm shocked. "She was the reason we stayed in London," I stammer. "How can you not remember her? She meant more to you than I ever did."
Alec throws his head back and laughs out loud. "Not a chance, love. You're the only thing that stuck around. What would I be without you? Nothing, that's what. A mistake. I exist because I remembered you. You must have been the most important thing in my life if you're the only thing I remember. I must have loved you with everything I had. You are everything now. But that's why you should go home with Seth. He's right. One day I'll be the thing that kills you, and I don't want that."
I turn around without thinking. I don't want to see triumph on Seth's face, but when my eyes fall on the place where he had been, he's not there anymore. I scan the room, but he's gone. I look back at Alec, a question on my lips, but he beats me to it.
"He's in the bedroom. Sounds like he's going to bed," he says.
I'm torn. I didn't notice that Seth left me alone with Alec. I should go to him, but I'm afraid Alec will leave, and I'll never see him again. I reach out to Alec because he's the thing I feel like I might lose. So solid, so hard, but I feel like he's going to disappear. "I'm staying," I tell him. "I'll go where you go. I'm not going to lose you again." I can't not touch him. I don't try to stop myself. I let my palms slide over his arms, his chest, his waist. They slide over his hips.
I hiss and pull my hand back when something pricks the inside of my palm.
It's nothing. The corner of a card in his pocket. With one hand on his waist, I use the fingers of my other hand to pull free the thing that scratched me.
It's a photograph. One of him and me, taken at the pub years ago. It's folded twice, and the picture is creased, cutting the two of us apart.
It's the picture from his parents' mantel. The one Jane said went missing.
"You've been to your parents' house," I accuse. "You said you didn't remember."
He stares down at the photograph in my hands. "I don't. It was almost a year ago when we came back to London. I was passing a house, and I smelt you. It was the first time I knew that you were real, that I wasn't crazy. I went inside. I was looking for you but the place was full of photos of me. I was human. Then I saw this one of you and me. We were together. All those memories were real. I knew who I was then, for sure. I was yours. I wasn't just a killer. I wasn't just an accident. I was yours once. After that, more came back to me. I remembered where we lived. I remembered where we met. And I saw you there last night. I followed you here. I watched you with Seth, and you were beautiful, both of you. I should have just let you be 'cause you were happy, but when you came out here last night I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry, love."
My chest is tight. I can't breathe. I press myself closer to him. I want to be part of him. I wrap my arms around him, lean down, and press my lips against his. They're cold and hard, but I don't care. "I love you," I murmur. "I need you."
"You're too close," he whispers, but he doesn't push me away. He lets me guide him back against the window, and I push my hips into his as I hold his face in my hands and devour his lips. I see the photograph flutter to the floor out of the corner of my eye. I don't care. All I care about is Alec, being able to touch him, to be alone with him, to breathe the same air as him. I'm aware that Seth is in the very next room, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters because I have Alec in my arms.
I pull open his coat and put my hands inside, sliding them up his shirt. He's ice cold, hard as steel. I flick open the button of his jeans then pull the zipper as I drop to my knees in front of him.
"What?" he hisses as he stops my hand.
"I need you. Please let me."
He stares down at me, his mouth open. "Oh, God, love," he whispers, then he silently mouths, "Seth isn't asleep."
"It's okay," I whisper as I slide my hand over Alec's length. So hard. Impossibly hard. He's going commando so his ice-cold cock is in my hand, only inches from my lips. I lower my head and taste the bead of fluid at the tip and I can't help but moan at the sweetness of it.
"Bloody hell," he whispers as I take the entire cold length of him into my mouth. "Bloody fucking hell."
I look up into wide red eyes. His cock is hard and heavy on my tongue, in my throat. It's the same shape and size as I remember, but so hard, so cold. It strikes me that it's like sucking off a statue, and I grin around Alec's cock.
His eyes grow wider and he lifts his hand as if he's about to place it on my head. But then he forces it down to his hip again. "I don't wanna hurt you, love," he breathes. "But god, that feels good. Feels so fucking good."
I moan at his words and wet my lips further so they slide over his stiff, glassy shaft.
His fingers wind through my hair. His movements are slow, hesitant, and I know he's still afraid of hurting me but I think maybe, maybe he's getting close, so I tug his jeans down to his thighs and hold his balls in my hand. He moans and pulls my hair, then he starts to come, ice-cold jets hitting the back of my throat with force.
I swallow twice, then I sit back, letting his still-hard cock slip from between my lips. His come tastes almost sweet, though I can't be sure it's not just because of the coldness of it.
He's suddenly right in front of me and it takes me a second to realise he's already put his jeans to rights and fallen to his knees before he's kissing me, dipping his tongue into my mouth as if he's looking for the taste of himself.
He presses me backward, until I'm lying on the floor and he's hovering over me. "Can't stop thinking of you as mine," he hisses.
I moan as his cold lips brush over my cheek. "I am yours. I've always been yours."
He shakes his head. "You belong to Seth now. I shouldn't be touching you."
"It's okay." I wind my fingers into his hair, lean up and kiss him. "I want you. It's been so long. Can I be inside you? I wanna be inside you, baby."
Alec pulls back and stares down at me. "You're mental."
I try not to let the hurt show on my face, but I know it does, so I close my eyes and let my head fall to one side.
He presses his hard, cold lips to my temple. "Feel that, love? To me, you're soft, breakable. Like a bubble that could burst at any moment. What do I feel like to you?"
I squeeze my eyes shut tighter. "Cold. Hard, like a statue." Then I see what he's getting at. There's no way I'll be able to penetrate him. I want to cry for what I'll never have again. Right from the start there was something about Alec that made me want to claim him, to take care of him, to look after him and make him feel good. Even though he's not dead, he's right here in my arms, I can never do it that way again.
"Make me like you," I blurt out as I open my eyes. "You can do that, right? Do it to me. Then I can take care of you. We can be together and you won't have to be afraid of hurting me."
The boards beneath me reverberate as Seth's feet hit the floor in the next room. The door swings open and bangs against the wall.
Alec's weight on me disappears and he's gone.
"Don't you dare," Seth rasps, and I look up at him from my place on the floor.