Author's Note: This story is going to be one of the weirdest things I've ever written. That isn't a bad thing, but whatever. I tried to keep Dante in character as best I could, because I know I'd get more complaints than the people who are developing Devil May Cry 5. Zing! I'll be here all week, folks. But read and review. Flames will just be used to try and burn Dante to cinders, who will rise out of the flames and riddle the offender with bullets before he does a backflip off-screen. That's what badasses do, DUH.
Disclaimer: I do not own Devil May Cry. If I did, Devil May Cry 5 would be out, I'd be playing right now, you all wouldn't bitch about Dante's new look(I'm not complaining because I want to PLAY the damn game, not stare at it like a drooling moron), and I wouldn't have to fill the gaping hole in my soul by writing fan fiction.
Devil Hunting For Dummies: A guide by Dante Sparda
My name is Dante Sparda, and thank you for reading Devil Hunting for Dummies! As most of you know, I started hunting demons in Devil May Cry 3, since my games can't follow a consistent timeline to save my life. I was young, I was cool, and I had a man-bra (got to keep those puppies covered during the cold winter nights). I also looked like the emo singer of a band at one point and got put in prison (probably because those damn demons wanted to stop me from ascending to the level of a badass before I get older, but that's beside the point. Play Devil May Cry 5 when it comes out. I know I will.). For all you new Devil Hunters out there, here are some helpful tips! Before we get to all that, here's a helpful disclaimer from me because I care about all of you. Actually, I don't, I'm just getting really tired of living in the middle of nowhere and people kicking down my damn doors and living off of Domino's Pizza. I don't care how much they say their pizza has improved. A turd will always be just a turd.
Disclaimer: Dante Sparda is not your mother. As such, if you get seriously injured, die, or turn into some murderous tardbeast following this advice, he will not bring you flowers. He might, however, shoot you in the head if you turn into said tardbeast. Also, there is a high chance that Dante Sparda WILL sleep with your mother at least 1 time (more than once if she's a total MILF). Bitches love red trenchcoats.
Tip Number 1: Expect To Get Impaled A LOT.
Some people think that demon hunting is an easy job. You hunt some demons, you chill, and you eat pizza. This is not the case. If you decide to enter this profession, you're going to get sharp objects lodged through your stomach. Be it by a demon or white haired pretty boy katana wannabes (read: my brother), a sharp object through the stomach will be almost a daily occurrence. Sometimes if your opponent is a total douchebag, they might impale you with your own sword. This has happened to me 3 times in my career. Apparently, the developers have a cruel sense of irony.
In my defense, one of the times was by a girl who resembled my mother because Capcom couldn't be more creative.
Don't worry, though. If you're a half-demon with a fetish for red leather trenchcoats, you're only gonna look that much cooler when you pull the sword out like nothing happened.
If you're a human (and possibly Steve from accounting), you might want to invest in some bandages. Assuming you don't die instantly, that is.
Tip Number 2: Be Wary of Hot Girls.
For all the feminists out there, don't fret. Girls do this job too. It just so happens they're actually quite proficient in it.
If you're like me and feels the need to try and get in their pants, be advised of one thing; you might be getting an ass kicking.
You haven't seen a hot girl until you've seen a hot girl that can take a motorcycle, and toss it at your head.
Also, if a girl with a giant rocket launcher on her back points a gun at your head, as hot as she may be DO NOT hit on her. She might just ventilate your forehead.
If you just happen to run into a succubus, don't hit that. It might just be the last thing you ever do. Instead, beat the living crap out of her (preferably with demonic nunchaku), and then turn her into a guitar. Sure, you can't reach third base with her, but NOW you can get groupies! Dozens and dozens of groupies! BWAHAHAHAHA!
Tip Number 3: BE WARY OF CLOWNS.
Clowns are already creepy as it is. Why do you think you've never seen me go into a McDonald's? No, it's not just because I live in the middle of nowhere. Why the hell would you think that?
It's because the last clown I dealt with tried to open a gateway to Hell, become my father, and ended up turning into a giant blue turd who tried to go Hentai on me.
That's all I'll say about that. Ugh...tentacles.
Tip Number 4: Screw Physics.
When fighting hoards of demons, we don't have time for bullshit like physics. Instead, we need to take a motorcycle and start beating the shit out of them with it. Screw reloading! Reloading is for pussies! Fire off an impossible amount of ammo without fear of running out of bullets, even if there's no logical and probable explanation WHY you do not have to reload constantly. You're a badass. You don't have to load because the guns just acknowledge your badass and reload themselves.
Next time, Part 2, and why blue trenchcoat wearing guys with the same look as me not only show that Capcom's just being lazy, they're also nice to stay away from. No, they did not impale me through the stomach with my own sword. How dare you! I'm too badass for that!