Author's Note: More words of wisdom from Dante.
Chapter 3: Why the Death of Your Mother is a Good Thing, and Why You Need a Look-Alike of Her.
I know what some of you are probably thinking. Dante is too much of a badass to love his mommy, right? I'd agree with you, IF SHE WEREN'T DEAD. Jesus Christ, people. You think I WANTED to be a snarky pizza-eating demon hunter? No. Maybe I just wanted to make strawberry sundaes for a living. Why go to Friendly's when you could go to Dante's? Every strawberry sundae comes with a side-order of bullets with a complimentary giant sword! But I can't have that, because my mom got murdered, and because I'm a proud bastard, I had to strap up, grab my father's sword, and teach those damn dirty demons one simple rule: Dante Sparda ain't nothing to fuck with.
Incidentally, this led to me being in jail. Jail is a lot less glamorous than it looks in the movies. And they only have dial-up, the damn savages. Personally, when I look back at it, I probably would've arrested myself. My hair looked so stupid when it was black. What the hell was I going to do with a haircut like that? Start a freakin' boy band? Now, I don't know the entire details about me going to jail, because Capcom hasn't told me, plus they keep ignoring me to send me a free copy of the next Devil May Cry game. They're too busy with Marvel vs. Capcom 3 and milking Street Fighter IV as much as they can. By the way, you know why you play Marvel vs. Capcom 3, besides the fact that it's Marvel vs. Capcom 3? I'm in it, of course! Who wouldn't want to shoot Captain America in his smug prick face? And another thing; why the hell did they make me so hard to use? They gave me every weapon I had in the 3rd game, and they expect me to be at my full kickass potential when you have stupid button mashing n00bs? Although I've confirmed one thing in that game; I am not able to kick my own ass.
Anyways, back to the advice. If you're going to be me, you're going to have to man up and have your mother get killed by demons. And sure, your dad's going to leave you in order to seal the human world and demon world from each other. But you wanted to be a video game badass, didn't you? So you're going to have to strap up and accept the fact that your family will either get horribly murdered, try to kill you, get possessed, or go off to stop some evil, then leave behind their messes for you to clean up. It's like Batman, only instead of being a millionaire with only a butler, a bunch of impractical gadgets shaped like bats, a spandex costume, and questionable interests in young boys, you get a sword, guns, a brother that tries to kill you, an awesome coat, an assortment of weapons made out of your enemies, and your hair turns silver. But not the creepy old man color. The kind of hair color that makes a woman wonder what kind of life you live, so she comes up to you in a bar and gets you drunk enough so you end up proposing to a mop. Thank God I stay out of Vegas.
Now, at some point in your devil hunting abilities, you'll be like me, flat-broke, sitting in my awesome office in the middle of nowhere, and sure, the phone might ring once in a while and you'll have to pick it up like a badass (which means slamming your foot into the table, knocking the phone up into the air, and answering it after you catch it). But sometimes you'll get some customers, ranging from a bald guy with creepy eyes and a face that made him look like he got burned working on an oil rig, to a woman that looks strangely like your mother. And what do you do? You flirt! Haven't you been paying attention? You flirt and she'll end up electrocuting you, impaling you with your own sword, and throwing a motorcycle at your head. That's her way of telling her that she digs you. If you want to get into her pants though, you're going to have to go to an island and stop an unknown evil from destroying the world by opening a gate to the underworld. Hey, no one said this job was easy. You gotta impress the ladies before you show them your sword.
Anyway, that's Chapter 3 for you all. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get drunk enough to propose to a strawberry sundae. I love you strawberry sundaes. When have you ever let me down?