Characters: Sasuke, Karin, Kakashi, Juugo, Suigetsu, cameos made by Naruto, Sakura and Sai
Summary: He was all set for bloody revenge until Karin got one of her infamous bright ideas and gave him a business card she'd picked up in the last village.
Author's Note: This is a parody of something, though I'm not sure what. I got the idea for this reading the Naruto entry on the Anvilicious page of TV Tropes. Really, what would have happened if Sasuke had decided to pursue "revenge" through legal channels? Needless to say, this is AU, in more ways than one, and keep a look-out for the OOC.
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Karin can't help but eye the coming developments a bit cagily. Admittedly she wasn't terribly happy about the prospect of Sasuke going back to Konoha after killing Itachi in the first place, mainly because that plan involved him dropping her like a hot coal, but this is even stranger.
Really, how does one go from wanting to commit fratricide to wanting to wipe out an entire village, all in the space of a day or so?
"I don't like this," Suigetsu mutters, and for once he and Karin are in complete accord. They're sitting at a campfire a little ways away from Sasuke, who perches, brooding as usual, on a bit of rubble.
"That Madara," Karin whispers, "Uchiha Madara, he's put this idea into Sasuke-kun's head. I heard him muttering about it," she gestures with one shoulder towards Sasuke, who mercifully seems deaf to their discussion.
"So what are we going to do about it?" Juugo finally enters the conversation. His huge shoulders are hunched. "Sasuke's insane if he honestly thinks he can get away with wiping out an entire village. For one thing, it won't work, and even if it does, he'll be hunted to the ends of the earth for committing a crime like that."
Karin frowns. When she looks up, both Suigetsu and Juugo are looking at her expectantly.
Her face pales slightly. "What are you two looking at me for?" Karin demands.
"Come on, Karin, you're great at twisting people around." Suigetsu breaks into a nasty grin. "Couldn't you, you know, do something to get Sasuke to—"
"I just wanna jump his bones, Suigetsu. That's not the same as—"
"He listens to you, Karin," Juugo asserts quietly. "More than he does us."
The sensor snorts. "Yeah, he listens to me alright. Listens to me when it suits him and doesn't do what I advise except when he has to."
"Can't you do something?"
Karin sighs. She truly hates it when they fix her in those desperate stares they're wearing now. Juugo almost looks harmless and Suigetsu… Well Suigetsu almost looks as though he doesn't want to go around committing mass murder everywhere he goes.
"Yeah, sure, I'll do it."
Juugo smiles in relief. "Thank you, Karin."
After being nudged pointedly by Juugo, Suigetsu nods. "Yeah, thanks. You're not half bad sometimes, for a crazy bitch."
"You guys owe me," Karin hisses, before making her way over to Sasuke.
The last scion of the departed house of Uchiha does not notice Karin as she clambers up beside him. If anything, the moon appears to have recently become hypnotic, as Sasuke still stares obsessively into it as Karin clears her throat hesitantly and starts to speak.
"Sasuke-kun… erm… So you killed your brother, right?"
No answer. Not even a "Meh" to fill the silence.
Karin resists the urge to tug on her collar, a sudden sense of danger to life and limb crawling up her back. "And now, instead of returning to Konoha and starting to repopulate your clan like you'd decided, you want to destroy Konoha and slaughter the population down to the last man, woman and child, rape, murder, pillage, that sort of thing?" Run-on, blehh…
Sasuke doesn't look at her, but finally she gets a response in his terse—I didn't know you could be terse without speaking—nod.
She smiles, relieved to know that he has at least been listening to her. "Umm… Umm…" Great, I'm starting to stutter; here goes all my dignity, down the drain "…Would you mind telling me why?"
Immediately, Karin regrets making such a request. Because Sasuke tells her. And tells her. And tells her. In fact, she blocks him out after the first five minutes or so.
Okay, you're still really pretty and all, but really Sasuke, you get less attractive each time the word "justice" leaves your mouth. The same goes for "divine retribution". Really, is revenge all you can talk about? Please tell me you have at least some hidden depths!
He doesn't take the—admittedly silent—hint, as communicated by Karin's sour expression.
Finally, sensing no sign that Sasuke's at the point where he's starting to wind down and really getting tired of listening to him say the same thing over and over again, Karin decides to butt in. She's gotten an idea; Glad I kept that business card.
"Sasuke, that's nice and all—" Karin's face communicates anything but pleasure at having listened to him rant for the better part of a quarter of an hour "—but have you considered pursuing options other murdering an entire village full of skilled shinobi over what three people did to your clan?"
Sasuke stares at her blankly and that's when Karin knows she's dealing with a clueless moron. Damn it, why do the pretty ones have to be such complete airheads? Why?
Forcing a friendly smile onto her face that ends up far more closely resembling the grimace of a man in intense pain, Karin finds herself attempting in earnest to sway Sasuke's line of though. After all, she's not just fighting for her own interests; Suigetsu and Juugo don't want to lose Sasuke either—even if he is a complete twit—and Karin, who has never been big on the whole "genocide thing", supposes she's fighting for Konoha as well. "Sasuke, listen. In the last village we were in, I was stopped by this man while getting groceries who gave me his card." Karin's eye twitches; she was given the card because the store wouldn't give her change back. She pulls the little white card from a pocket. "I think you should look at it."
Sasuke snatches the card from Karin's grasp and stares at it, brow furrowing. "Itowashii and Son, Attorneys at Law," he mutters. Black eyes snap to Karin. "Karin, you want me to get a lawyer?" His voice drips disbelief. "How is that supposed to be more satisfying than the sight of Konoha razed to the ground for what it did to my family?" There's a noticeably petulant tone in his voice and Karin finds Sasuke even less attractive than before.
Hmm… Maybe I need to rethink my life plans a bit. Getting married to Uchiha Sasuke and having two boys and a girl by him is seeming less attractive a prospect by the second.
…I'm never calling him "-kun" again.
Karin allows herself a truly malicious grin. "I'm sure you'll find a way. Sasuke, have you ever had the pleasure of suing anyone before?"
The slightest suggestion of a smile grows slowly over Sasuke's face.
Six weeks later…
We at Itowashii and Son feel the need to inform you that we deeply resent your misguided and narrow-minded notion that "all lawyers can be bribed; it's a fact of life". That is a stereotype, one that most of those practicing law these days manage to subvert. Given your advanced age, we may assume that you are referring to the lawyers of your youth. Allow us to reiterate in terms we are certain you shall understand our stance: We can not be bribed, and in future you would do better to remember that most who are willing to be bribed will not accept as a bribe a coupon to one "Ichiraku's Ramen Bar". Most who are bribed would prefer to be bribed in cash. Large amounts, ideally.
That said, we fully expect you to abide by the decision reached by the judge yesterday; if not, further legal action shall be taken against you. You are to pay 15,000,000 ryo to our client, Uchiha Sasuke, for the 101 members of the Uchiha clan killed by your unlawful order by the end of the month; you are also to pay 5,000,000 ryo, as stipulated by the judge, for the 48 people not affiliated by blood to the Uchiha clan killed that night by the end of the month, to be divided evenly among the families of the victims. In addition, due to your outburst at the declaration of the verdict, you are to pay an additional 100 ryo to the court for disorderly conduct.
Itowashii and Son, Attorneys at Law
P.S. A coupon? Really?
Your behavior in the courtroom was truly shocking and unbefitting of a lady of your station. It is clearly stated in every text of Hi no Kuni law that you can find that ninjutsu and genjutsu of any kind is expressly forbidden in the confines of a courthouse; you would do well to remind your colleague Shimura Danzo of the same, and we feel the need to inform you that there is a reason that every bailiff in Hi no Kuni is a fully-trained and licensed sensor nin, as required by law, though you seem to have forgotten that. The Hokage was quite amused by your failed attempt to place a genjutsu on the judge to convince him that you were innocent of all charges, but the judge does not share Hokage-sama's sense of humor.
As it stands, you are expected to abide by the judge's ruling; if not, we are more than capable of pursuing further legal action, and believe us, neither your faulty genjutsu nor your pathetic attempts to make us believe that you are even remotely attractive will sway either us or the judge. Ma'am.
You are to pay 15,000,000 ryo to our client, Uchiha Sasuke, for your involvement in the wrongful deaths of the 101 members of the Uchiha clan by the end of the month; you are to pay 5,000,000 ryo for the 48 additional deaths by the end of the month, to be divided evenly amongst the families of the decedents. In addition, you are to pay 5,000 ryo to the court for unlawful use of genjutsu in a courthouse. Criminal charges against you are pending.
Itowashii and Son, Attorneys at Law
P.S. If you really wish to learn how to be properly seductive, we would suggest the services of the downstairs secretary, Mari Soo. Be warned, though: her presence may have an adverse effect on your personality or the personalities of those around you, and she has a tendency towards breaking the fourth wall with distressing regularity. When we attempted to terminate her employment, an angry mob rose up in her defense out of nowhere. Assassinations don't work either; every assassin, be it male or female, ends up falling in love and having intercourse with her before the two ride off into the sunset together. Mari Soo always returns a week later, without explanation and without fail.
You of all people should know that threatening an attorney, an officer of the court and/or a judge is a serious offense in any nation, especially Hi no Kuni; in addition to your outrageous attempts to use genjutsu in order to "turn the tides in my favor", as you have so put it, you have shown yourself to be the most unrepentant of lawbreakers. We can only assume that you have no respect whatsoever for the law. Sadly that is a trait becoming more and more prolific among shinobi, but we expected better of you.
The judge, in stipulating what reparations you are to pay out, has taken into account that yours was the hand most deeply involved with the slaughter of the Uchiha clan, that you were the one who orchestrated the massacre. Neither we nor the judge at all care that you "did it for the village", that the slaughter was "imperative to maintain order", or that "peace was at stake". Murder is murder, whether they were planning a coup or not.
You are to pay 30,000,000 ryo to our client, Uchiha Sasuke, for your involvement in the massacre of the 101 members of the Uchiha clan by the end of the month; you are to pay 10,000,000 ryo for the 48 deaths of those who were the house servants and employees of the Uchiha by the end of the month, to be divided evenly among the families of the victims.
In addition, for your threats made against us, the bailiff and the judge, you are to pay a fine of 10,000 ryo; for the use of unlawful genjutsu, you are to pay a fine of 5,000 ryo. Criminal charges against you are pending. Finally, you are, by order of the judge and the Hokage, to submit yourself to surgery next Thursday to remove the multiple Sharingans, as discovered when you were restrained by the bailiff, from your right eye socket and arm.
Itowashii and Son, Attorneys at Law
P.S. We know where you live too. And you are sorely mistaken if you believe yourself the only man in Hi no Kuni to command a private army. Have a nice day.
"So Sasuke…" Sasuke doesn't look at him and Kakashi doesn't insist "…this was an… unexpected turn of events." That's putting it mildly, and they both know it.
All Sasuke can do is shrug. "It seemed to make sense." After Karin had spelled out in no uncertain terms just how it made sense, but he isn't going to be telling Kakashi that.
Sasuke's team met up with the remnants of Team Seven plus two nin Sasuke's never met before in the forest a few hours earlier, with the news from Tsunade that it was safe for Sasuke to come back to Konoha. Upon seeing Sasuke's motley crew, and their stubborn refusal to dissociate from Sasuke (and Sasuke's noticeable reluctance to dissociate from them), Kakashi could only sigh and murmur, "I'm sure we can work something out."
Now, the group of nine is making their progress back towards Konoha at a leisurely pace.
The brown-haired jonin who had been introduced as Yamato is keeping a close eye on all members of Sasuke's little band, but he's the only one who seems in any way uncomfortable with the arrangement.
Sakura and Karin are walking shoulder to shoulder, chattering animatedly and acting as though they've known each other for years. It's agreed by all parties involved (a bit warily) that it probably isn't a good thing that they're so friendly; said suspicion is confirmed by the absolutely evil looks being cast in Sasuke's direction. Sasuke sighs inwardly; they've joined forces, alright, though to what end he prefers not to fathom.
Suigetsu and Naruto are busy ranting about… something; Sasuke stopped listening—wait, he was never listening to start with. Sai and Juugo walk on in comfortable silence; neither of them are too good when it comes to conversation.
"I have to admit, Sasuke, I didn't expect you to sue them." Kakashi laughs ruefully. "But that goes to show just how much I know about my genin." Sasuke cringes a little at the term "my genin"; so he's still thought of as that? "I thought that, given the circumstances, you'd probably try to kill them."
Again, Sasuke cringes. "Actually," he admits reluctantly, "I was still planning to do that after suing them."
Kakashi raises an eyebrow.
"Suigetsu was all for it; he's always ready for a bloodbath. Karin and Juugo persuaded us otherwise." And Sasuke was persuaded not to kill all of Konoha by the news that came to him; apparently, not just Uchihas had been killed that night. Forty-eight men, women and children, servants, shop employees and otherwise, had also been killed. If not just Uchihas had had their blood spilt that night, then Sasuke supposed that since he wasn't the only one who had been wronged, and he could drop his beef against the village at large.
He's still going to get back at them all for laughing at him, one way or another; he just won't kill them.
Another rueful laugh hits the air. "Yeah. It would be in pretty poor taste to kill our now-destitute councilors after robbing them blind." Kakashi smiles beneath his mask. "I'm glad."
Again, Sasuke shifts his gaze away uncomfortably. How had he ever thought this man was out to get him?
"So Sasuke, what on earth do you intend to do with all that money?"
Sasuke shrugs. "Eh… I was thinking of buying some real estate. I heard that the former occupants of the three houses were foreclosed upon recently and that their houses are going for cheap. I need somewhere to put Karin, Juugo and Suigetsu and I'm not keeping them with me."
All in all, Sasuke has to admit it; he likes this idea much better, especially from the point when he gets back to Konoha and he catches sight of a very familiar heavily bandaged man holding a battered tin plate out to passers-by, desperately trying to get them to put coins into the plate. Danzo beat the charges, it seems; Sasuke wonders if Koharu was so lucky.
Yeah, this is much better.
Now all he has to worry about is Madara showing up wanting to know why he hasn't gone completely insane and easily manipulated yet.
I had entirely too much fun writing this.