The Ferguson Conversion
SCENE ONE: The comicbook store, Wednesday night, all four guys are there, browsing. Along with other background browsers is EDDIE, with a reusable shopping bag at his feet as he looks through the graphic novels; he's wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a military-style cap.
RAJESH: I say that he was created as a curse from the gods to plague the race of man.
SHELDON: I suppose that could be possible, given the zoomorphic monsters of Greek mythology, such as the minotaur of Crete. However, if the gods were to send a curse, the monster would not have been so poorly created as to have a human arm attached to the back of its neck, where it could do the least damage to its prey.
HOWARD: That's why I say he was a genetic mutation created from the radioactive atmosphere of his mountain lair.
SHELDON: Even if something in the composition of the mountain rock created a radioactive atmosphere that would trigger a mutation, it would be with the pre-existing data in his dragon DNA, meaning he would sprout an extra dragon limb, not a human one. A more likely explanation is that he was the result of biological experimentation by an ill-reputed alchemist.
RAJESH: Oh, sure, like they really have alchemists in Peasantry.
LEONARD: Guys, it's a human-armed dragon called Trogdor the Burninator, it's not supposed to make sense. It's just supposed to be funny. (short pause) Why would an alchemist want to sew a human arm on a dragon?
SHELDON: It would be the first in a series of tests to determine whether or not an unbeatable army of dragon-man warriors can be constructed and brought to life. It's not like they could just breed dragons with humans, or combine their DNA. Such technology is too advanced for the time and place.
LEONARD: Okay, then, if they were making dragon-man warriors, why would the arm be on his neck?
SHELDON: We're talking about people who define a peasant as someone who's set on fire, Leonard. They lack the intelligence. It would be like asking Howard to use a Lewis structure to combine two elements that don't follow the octet rule.
HOWARD: How about if I combine my fist with your face?
(SHELDON glances at him warily)
RAJESH: You know, the X-Men have mutations that aren't based on their DNA.
HOWARD: Yeah, what about the Beast?
LEONARD: And there's the Amazons from The Baron of Shadows who were mutated into gorgons in Issue 10.
SHELDON: The Beast didn't get his mutation from radiation, but from the x-gene, and the Amazons were transformed by magic.
LEONARD: They were mutated by poisonous spores that were created when the Baron destroyed the hydra.
SHELDON: No, it wasn't poisonous spores, it was particles of magic.
LEONARD: I can picture the words on the page! I will find Issue 10 and prove it. (crosses to another part of the store, near where EDDIE is browsing)
RAJESH: So what's the deal with The Cheat? Is he like a deformed cheetah, or an evil Pikachu?
(LEONARD takes the comic off the shelf and begins flipping through it; EDDIE notices)
EDDIE: Why can't you just start at the beginning, instead of trying to sneak-peek what's gonna happen? I hate that.
LEONARD: Oh, no, I already read this one. I'm just trying to find something.
LEONARD: Poisonous spores.
EDDIE: (thinks for a moment) Page eighteen, third panel.
LEONARD: Oh, you read The Baron of Shadows?
EDDIE: Each issue three times over, at least.
LEONARD: Big fan?
EDDIE: Are you?
LEONARD: Haven't missed an issue yet.
EDDIE: Have you read the paperback novel series it's based off?
LEONARD: There's a paperback series?
EDDIE: (slight sigh) No, I guess not.
LEONARD: (finds the page) Page eighteen, third panel. Thanks. (crosses to SHELDON) See? Poisonous spores!
(all stare at him)
SHELDON: That is the incorrect use of that word, and I do not permit you to use it.
(RAJESH looks sheepishly down and begins thumbing through comicbooks)
SHELDON: At any rate, in the original paperback series, the Baron destroys the hydra in order to cut off the shaman's source of magic, causing it to disperse into the air and plague those with whom it comes in contact.
EDDIE: Yeah, they wanted to take the shaman out of the story, but keep the hydra, so they changed it to poisonous spores. I don't care much for it, either, but had to make it work somehow.
(they all look to EDDIE, who turns and sees them all looking)
EDDIE: Sorry. Thought I was helping. Anyway, it's nice to hear that someone's read the original.
LEONARD: How do you know so much about The Baron of Shadows?
EDDIE: (shrugs and opens a comic to the credits page) I'm Eddie Ferguson.
LEONARD: The story writer of The Baron of Shadows? Oh, wow, I'm Leonard. (shakes hands with EDDIE)
RAJESH: Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. (shakes hands)
HOWARD: Howard Wolowitz, (shakes hands) I named my level 48 male worgen warlock after The Baron's arch-nemesis Misoreg.
RAJESH: I named my level 47 female worgen mage after the Baron's first nemesis, Enchantress Hekubaal!
HOWARD: Really? We should go questing sometime!
RAJESH: Yeah, it's a date!
(silent moment of awkwardness)
EDDIE: …What about you and your World of Warcraft characters?
SHELDON: I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and my level 60 worgen hunter is named Sheldor.
EDDIE: Sheldon named his character Sheldor. You're not a writer, are you?
SHELDON: I'm a theoretical physicist.
EDDIE: I see.
LEONARD: So are you working on the next issue of The Baron of Shadows?
EDDIE: Well, the next one is already written. I like to always be one issue ahead, in case I get writer's block or something.
LEONARD: So you're writing Issue 49 right now?
EDDIE: I just finished the first half of it this morning, then thought I'd take a break, get some stuff from the grocery store. From the outside, I thought this place might be a video rental. I wanted to rent the New Super Mario Bros game for the Wii. I haven't tried it yet.
LEONARD: Really? I have that game! You could play it with us.
EDDIE: You mean go to your place and play the game with you?
LEONARD: Yeah, our apartment isn't far from here.
EDDIE: Sounds like fun!
SHELDON: Leonard, may I have a word?
LEONARD: (moves somewhat aside with Sheldon) What is it?
SHELDON: I'm not comfortable with this.
LEONARD: Why not? It's Eddie Ferguson, author of The Baron of Shadows!
SHELDON: Yes, exactly! The one person who knows everything that's going to happen in the story before it happens, and I don't want to find out what happens before it actually happens, because then I won't be surprised when it does happen, hence eliminating the need to read the story at all.
EDDIE: Okay, first of all, when you whine like that, it's not hard to hear you. And second, I promise I won't spoil anything for you.
SHELDON: You say that now, but if you loosen up too much while playing video games, you might let something slip, and once it slips out, it can't be taken back.
EDDIE: Look, I've been in this business long enough to know how to keep my mouth shut about upcoming plot points.
LEONARD: We were just heading back when we finished here, you can come with.
EDDIE: Actually, I gotta get back to work. If I'm away from my writing for too long, I lose the flow and continuity. How about Friday?
LEONARD: Friday's good, about 7:00.
SHELDON: No, we can't play the New Super Mario Bros game on Friday night. Friday night is vintage game night, and the Wii is not vintage.
EDDIE: You have a night dedicated to vintage video games? I could bring my Super Scope!
SHELDON: You have a Nintendo Super Scope?
EDDIE: With six of the eleven games.
SHELDON: I suppose you could stop by for awhile.
LEONARD: We live at 2311 Les Robles, 4A.
EDDIE: Hang on, I'll write that down. (takes a small notebook and pen out of sweatshirt pocket; SHELDON audibly freaks out) What?
SHELDON: You don't have any plot information written in that notebook for The Baron of Shadows, do you?
EDDIE: Some, yeah.
SHELDON: (buries his face in a comicbook) Please don't bring it on Friday.
EDDIE: Okay…I won't.
HOWARD: Can I just try something here? (borrows the notebook and holds it near SHELDON)
SHELDON: (backs away from it, obstructing his view with the comicbook) No, no, get it away from me, I don't want to see it! (in his urgency to get away, not able to see where he's going, he bumps into a display stand, then the door, then goes outside)
HOWARD: What do you know, you've done it!
EDDIE: Done what?
RAJESH: You discovered Sheldonite.
STEWART: Um…he didn't pay for that comicbook.
(LEONARD walks over to pay; theme song segment plays)
SCENE TWO: Leonard and Sheldon's apartment, Friday night. LEONARD is arranging the Chinese take-out on the coffee table with plates and utensils; SHELDON is hooking up the SNES.
LEONARD: Okay, so we have plenty of food, plenty of chopsticks. Should I put out forks? Maybe I should put out forks. And drinks! We didn't get any drinks! Do we have any?
SHELDON: I'm still not comfortable with this. This is exactly why I never include the writers of Dr. Who in my hypothetical celebrity dinner party.
LEONARD: We have milk, bottled water, and coke. Do you think that's enough? Maybe we should've gotten some juice. Should I get juice? But not orange juice, since we have orange chicken, but he might not like orange chicken, but would like orange juice.
SHELDON: Most writers have the decency to live a life of reclusion, like Emily Dickinson. And, while not a writer, another notable example who benefitted from preserving knowledge through the solitude of reclusion is Obi-Wan Kenobi. Imagine if he had left his cave to go to the local market and told someone he was a Jedi Knight. There would have been no New Hope, that's for sure.
(a knock at the door, LEONARD answers it, and HOWARD and RAJESH enter)
HOWARD: Sorry we're late. I was all over town at used bookstores looking up the paperback version of The Baron of Shadows, and found a copy for Eddie to sign.
RAJESH: I brought my first volume of the graphic novel that contains the first five issues.
LEONARD: I didn't even think about that. I have to go find one of my comics for him to sign.
SHELDON: Hold on, before this evening begins, I need you all to sign these. (passes out a papers and pens attached to clipboards to each guy)
HOWARD: What is this?
SHELDON: It's a waiver disclaiming all conversation regarding any unpublished content of The Baron of Shadows.
RAJESH: I'm not signing anything that will relinquish my freedom of speech. I am an American, and I will not tolerate this assault on my rights!
LEONARD: Sheldon, we don't want anything spoiled, either. We aren't going to talk about it.
SHELDON: You can prove it to me by signing, dating, and initialing.
RAJESH: I refuse, imperialist swine!
LEONARD: Just sign it, Raj, or he'll be whining about it all night.
RAJESH: Alright, fine. But I still retain the right to bear arms!
HOWARD: You're not packing any right now, by any chance?
(they all reluctantly sign and hand them over)
SHELDON: (reading the signature on one) However characteristic it may be to your identity, Howard, I don't think writing "Bite me" will be equal to your signature in a court of law.
(HOWARD grudgingly signs his name and returns the paper)
SHELDON: See, now, that wasn't so difficult, was it? (takes them to his work desk and stamps them)
LEONARD: Since when did you become a notary public?
SHELDON: Since the day you broke the No Home Videos Clause of our roommate agreement, I realized that I needed something more legally binding.
LEONARD: They weren't my home videos, it was America's Funniest Home Videos.
SHELDON: If dogs chasing their tails, and various projectiles striking male genital regions is considered the apex of humor in this country, then Raj would have been better off staying in India.
RAJESH: I think those videos are hilarious!
SHELDON: Yet another mind polluted.
(a knock at the door)
LEONARD: It's him, it's Eddie Ferguson! Don't answer it yet, I have to get one of my Baron of Shadows comics. (runs to his room; he shouts from his room) Where are they?
SHELDON: If you organized them alphabetically by title and genre, you would've found them by now.
LEONARD: Got it! (runs out with comicbook) Issue 10, the one I talked to him about at the comicbook store. Aren't you going to have him sign something, Sheldon?
SHELDON: Yes, one of the take-out containers.
SHELDON: So that I can prove that I ate Chinese take-out with Eddie Ferguson.
EDDIE: (from other side of the door) I can't sign anything from this side of the door.
(RAJESH opens the door; EDDIE enters with a gym bag)
EDDIE: Just because I can't see you, doesn't mean I can't hear you.
HOWARD: As we all know from the tamarok ambush in Issue 28. (the guys laugh)
EDDIE: That wasn't Issue 28. (awkward silence) Just kidding, it was. (guys laugh again)
HOWARD: Would you sign my book?
RAJESH: And my comic?
EDDIE: I'll sign whatever you want.
SHELDON: Good. Sign this, please. (hands EDDIE a paper and pen)
EDDIE: A waiver?
SHELDON: And my take-out container, but that's not until after we've eaten.
EDDIE: O-kay, here's the deal: You set up the Super Scope, I'll sign stuff. Batteries are in the front pocket.
SHELDON: Alright. (takes the gym bag, but doesn't move) I'm going to need that waiver first. (EDDIE signs it and hands it to him) Eddie Ferguson signed my waiver! I'm going to have to hang this next to my restraining order from Stan Lee. (crosses to notarize the waiver and set up the game)
EDDIE: Restraining order from Stan Lee?
LEONARD: It's nothing, he's harmless.
EDDIE: Sure. Well, bring your stuff over here, and I'll sign it. (is about to sit on the left side of the couch; all three shout protests at once, and EDDIE stands) What, what?
SHELDON: That's my spot.
EDDIE: That all? The way you all reacted, I thought I was about to sit on a land mine.
LEONARD: No, that's just where Sheldon likes to sit. (pause) I swear he's harmless.
EDDIE: It's not a big deal. I can sit somewhere else…or can I?
LEONARD: No, anywhere else is fine.
EDDIE: Okay… (moves to the center cushion and warily begins to sit; when he gets no reaction, he relaxes into it; RAJESH hands over his comicbook) Okay, and your name is…I wanna say Raj?
RAJESH: Yes, that's right!
EDDIE: Raj… (signs the comicbook) And next…Howie?
HOWARD: Howard, actually (hands over his book). Can you make it out to Baron Howard of Shadows?
EDDIE: Honestly, no, I can't. (signs it) There you go, Howard. And Leonard.
LEONARD: Yes, Leonard, Leonard Hofstadter (hands over his comicbook). But you don't have to write my full name. Just Leonard is fine. Or Leo, if you want. Even though I'm not a Leo, astrologically.
EDDIE: (chuckles) Okay, calm down. (signs it)
HOWARD: You should have heard him when we met Stan Lee.
RAJESH: He bought us gelato just to get Leonard to stop talking.
EDDIE: (holds out a take-out container to LEONARD) Here ya go, man, have an eggroll.
LEONARD: Oh, thanks, and help yourself, we've got dumplings and potstickers and orange chicken…
EDDIE: Oh, I love orange chicken, thanks! And where's the forks and…oh, chopsticks.
LEONARD: You want a fork? I can get you a fork.
EDDIE: No, that's fine. I'm not very good with chopsticks, but I think they're fun to use.
SHELDON: (stands back from the TV as everything switches on) Alright, we are ready to go. And I would like to suggest that since I hooked it up, it's only fair that I get first dibs.
LEONARD: It's Eddie's Super Scope, Sheldon, he should get first dibs.
EDDIE: No, that's fine, I'd kinda like to eat first. Go ahead, Sheldon.
SHELDON: Thank you, Eddie. (tries to lift the Super Scope) Good lord! (lifts it up and tries to steady it on his shoulder) What is this thing made out of, lead?
EDDIE: (with mouth full, trying not to laugh) One of you wanna help him before he shoots himself?
RAJESH: I got it. (holds up the back end of the Super Scope so it sits level on SHELDON's shoulder) Just balance it with your shoulder here.
SHELDON: Alright, I think I've got it. (as RAJESH steps away, the only way SHELDON can handle the Super Scope is to grasp it between his shoulder and tilted head) Alright now, how about some Blastris?
(cut to a little later in the evening; HOWARD is playing with the Super Scope, and everyone else is sitting and watching; SHELDON, who is sitting at his spot and beside EDDIE, has a kink in his neck; we can tell RAJESH has played it also, because he's holding an ice pack on his neck)
RAJESH: I think I know now why they took the Super Scope off the market.
EDDIE: But you've got to admit, it's a lot more fun blasting things with a bazooka than it is to just button mash.
HOWARD: True dat. (at the game) Gotcha, you mutant tribble!
LEONARD: If you hit two more space moles, you'll have the high score!
RAJESH: Do you have any heating pads?
LEONARD: There's a microwavable one in the cupboard over the fridge.
(RAJESH gets up and crosses to the kitchen to put away the ice pack, then get and microwave a hot pad)
SHELDON: You know, Eddie, I've had a theory about the Prince of Takla who's guarded by the Baron.
EDDIE: I thought you didn't wanna talk about The Baron of Shadows. You made me sign a waiver. And you notarized it.
SHELDON: That only deals with unpublished content. We can talk about published content.
SHELDON: Now, near the end of Issue 45, Prince Akul of Takla recites the time weaver's dying words in order to gain the trust of his apprentice.
EDDIE: Sure, with you so far.
SHELDON: However, it was the Prince's sister Princess Mikay who was with the time weaver as he died.
SHELDON: The Prince is really the Princess in disguise, isn't he?
EDDIE: Doesn't this infringe on the waiver, Sheldon?
SHELDON: You're right, I don't want to know. (pause) Although, the answer is probably in the fully published paperback series, so it's technically not a breach. (pause) But I still don't want to know.
EDDIE: So you haven't read the paperback ones?
SHELDON: I only read as much as has been released in the graphic novel, so nothing's ruined.
EDDIE: I see. But I do change up the graphic novels enough to make it new.
SHELDON: Good to know. (pause) Although if the Prince really were the Princess, then the real Prince would probably be dead, right?
EDDIE: I'm not saying a word.
SHELDON: You're right. I don't want to know. Not yet. (pause) You don't have to say it, just blink twice if I'm right. (EDDIE just stares and raises an eyebrow) Does that mean I'm wrong? (EDDIE sighs and turns away) If I were wrong, you'd have no reason not to tell me, because there'd be nothing to hide, but since you aren't telling me, it must mean I'm right.
EDDIE: I'm not—
SHELDON: Unless of course you're not telling me because there's nothing to tell and you want to keep me suspended in the belief that I'm right, so that I won't know for sure until I read that far.
HOWARD: Son of a brisket, I just died! Who's next?
LEONARD & EDDIE: Me!
EDDIE: I will fight you like a dog in the street for it!
LEONARD: It's all yours. (EDDIE stands and takes the Super Scope from HOWARD; to SHELDON) What did you do now?
SHELDON: (shrugs) Artists tend to be high-strung and prone to psychotic outbursts.
(knock at the door, LEONARD answers it, PENNY steps in)
LEONARD: Hi, Penny!
PENNY: Hey, Leonard, sorry to interrupt your game night, but I want to get to the mall, and a car's blocking me in. Can you give me a ride?
LEONARD: Uh, Penny, could we maybe go tomorrow? I have someone over.
PENNY: Yeah, you're all playing video games. You're always playing video games. You can't do that tomorrow?
LEONARD: No, no… See that guy playing with the Super Scope?
EDDIE: (just after making a shot) Damn, those furry little bastards move fast!
LEONARD: He is the writer of The Baron of Shadows graphic novel series!
PENNY: The what of shadows?
LEONARD: The Baron, you know, like a lord. Nobility.
PENNY: Okay, but this is the last day I can return these shoes (indicating the shopping bag in her hand), and if I don't, I'm going to have to actually pay for them.
LEONARD: Why don't you want to keep them?
PENNY: They're $175.
LEONARD: So why do you have them?
PENNY: I wanted to wear them to my sister's second wedding, and now that the wedding's over, I need to return them. And I would be doing it myself if it weren't for a blue Chevy metro that's blocking me in.
EDDIE: With "SAFFIRE" on the license plates?
EDDIE: That's my car, I'm sorry. I'll move it. (walks over and gives the Super Scope to LEONARD) I'm Eddie.
PENNY: Penny. I live across the hall. So…how did you meet Leonard?
EDDIE: At the comicbook store.
PENNY: You were at the comicbook store?
EDDIE: I actually need to go to the mall, too. I was gonna go tomorrow, but how about I just drive you, and we'll go together?
PENNY: Yeah, okay. That sounds good.
EDDIE: Good. (gets keys out of pocket and turns toward the rest of the room) Um, I'll probably head home after the mall, but you guys can hang onto the Super Scope for the night if you wanna play it some more, and I can pick it up tomorrow.
LEONARD: Uh…yeah, sure. That'd be…great. You take Penny, and we'll take the Super Scope, for tonight.
EDDIE: Okay, cool. And thanks, guys, I liked hanging out with you. (leaves with PENNY)
(LEONARD closes the door and stands blankly with the Super Scope)
HOWARD: I don't know why you're so surprised.
RAJESH: Yeah, pretty much anytime we have an extra guy over, he winds up leaving with Penny.
HOWARD: She's like the environmental stabilizer of our biosphere.
LEONARD: Which means we'll never see either of them again?
HOWARD: It's the circle of life…in the man-made, contained bubble of our geeky world.
(LEONARD nods and crosses to in front of the TV, mounting the Super Scope on his shoulder)
LEONARD: (thrusting angrily as he shoots) Taste infrared death, space moles!
SHELDON: (unfazed by LEONARD's behavior) Eddie didn't sign my take-out container.
SCENE THREE: The foyer on the ground floor of the apartment building. SHELDON and LEONARD enter with grocery bags.
SHELDON: …And that's when I realized that it really isn't sufficient proof. I could have very well brought an emptied take-out container to the comicbook store to be signed by Eddie Ferguson.
LEONARD: I asked you fifteen minutes ago why you bought five six-packs of soda. Are we anywhere near the answer?
SHELDON: We'd be there already if you hadn't interrupted me just now.
LEONARD: Yeah, okay, fine, continue.
(as they go up the stairs and round the corner, coming up to the second floor)
SHELDON: So I decided that when Eddie comes to pick up the Super Scope, I will offer a soda, the can to be signed after its contents are drunk. That way, I will have DNA and fingerprints to prove that I shared a meal with Eddie Ferguson.
LEONARD: You're going to have him sign thirty cans of soda?
SHELDON: No. Having no idea what type of soda Eddie prefers, I made certain to get a variety to ensure that my offer of soda will be accepted.
LEONARD: What if he doesn't drink soda?
SHELDON: Please, half of an artist's earnings goes toward fostering a caffeine addiction.
(as they go up the stairs and round the corner, coming up to the third floor)
LEONARD: I still can't believe he just went off with Penny, or that Penny went off with him! She's never even heard of him!
SHELDON: You invited her to our apartment without knowing anything about her. She could very well have been a mass murderer or the kingpin of a mafia controlled through Pasadena's dark underbelly.
LEONARD: You think Penny looks like a mass murderer or a mafia kingpin?
SHELDON: Appearances are often deceiving. Just like Dr. Janice Lester from the Star Trek the Original Series episode "Turnabout Intruder" when she switched bodies with Captain Kirk in a malignant vendetta to usurp his position and destroy him. And anyway, I wasn't talking about Penny.
LEONARD: But you said "her".
(as they go up the stairs and round the corner, coming up to the fourth floor)
SHELDON: Yes. Her. Eddie.
LEONARD: What do you mean…?
(the door to Penny's apartment opens, and PENNY peeks out)
PENNY: Hey, Leonard, hey, Sheldon! (yelling back into the apartment) Eddie, they're back!
(EDDIE comes out of Penny's apartment, dressed in a way that makes her more apparently a woman, no hat on her head)
EDDIE: Oh, great! I came by for my Super Scope, but you guys weren't home, so Penny let me hang out in her place for awhile.
(LEONARD just stares while SHELDON doesn't seem to notice anything amiss)
SHELDON: Oh, Eddie, you're here already. I wasn't expecting you so soon. (as he unlocks their apartment, he whispers to LEONARD) I was supposed to have enough time for the soda to chill. If we had installed that cryogenic freezer like I had suggested a year ago, this wouldn't be a problem. (leaves the door open as he hurries inside with his bag of soda)
PENNY: (with a knowing grin) So, Leonard, what do you think of Eddie's outfit?
EDDIE: Oh, yeah, Penny picked this one out for me. I haven't been clothes shopping in months, and once she got me started, well…I blew almost half of my royalties for the month.
LEONARD: …Yeah, hang on. I'm just going to…put the groceries away… (heads inside the apartment, closing the door behind him, and crosses to SHELDON, who is stowing one can of each type of soda into the freezer) Eddie's a girl?
SHELDON: I would assume so, unless she's invested her earnings into a very extensive sex-change operation.
LEONARD: And you knew? Why didn't you tell me? I've been calling Eddie "him" for the past three days now!
SHELDON: I have more important things to say, rather than wasting my breath correcting every grammatical error you make. We would be better off if you studied the MLA and APA Manuals I gave to you for your birthday.
LEONARD: But I didn't…How did you know?
SHELDON: Well, with the diverse array of people that exist in the world, particularly the metaphorical melting pot of the United States, the definitive line between feminine and masculine is easily blurred. One is expected to keep one's mind open to the possibilities. (slight pause) And the batteries for the Super Scope were stored in the pocket of her gym bag where she keeps her maxi pads. (realizing something, he looks to LEONARD) You're surprised that she's a girl?
SHELDON: …And such a surprise unnerves you?
SHELDON: Oh. Well, now you know.
LEONARD: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks a bunch, Sheldon.
EDDIE: (from outside, knocks on the door and calls out) Hey, it's Eddie, can I come in?
LEONARD: Oh, that's her, what do I do?
SHELDON: You could tell her the door is unlocked so she can open it herself, you could bend the fabric of time-space to enable her to walk through the door, or you can simply go over and open the door yourself. (chuckles) The second one's a joke. I know there's no conceivable way you could figure out how to bend the fabric of time-space.
LEONARD: Yeah, uh… (crosses halfway to the door and stops; moves for the door again, then stops) Uh, the door's open, Eddie!
(EDDIE opens the door, and she and PENNY enter)
EDDIE: Hi. I'll just pack up the Super Scope. (as she's putting all the things in the gym bag) So who got the high score in Mole Patrol?
LEONARD: Oh, that was Raj. After a few minutes of using the heating pad, he got his second wind.
SHELDON: Eddie, would you like a refreshing soda?
EDDIE: Sure. What do you have?
SHELDON: What type of soda would you like?
EDDIE: Well, I usually drink Cherry Pepsi.
SHELDON: Good. It will be ready in five to eight minutes.
EDDIE: What, do you brew it yourself?
SHELDON: No, it's chilling in the freezer. Had we installed a cryogenic freezer a year ago, you could be enjoying it right now.
EDDIE: O-kay. That's fine.
SHELDON: And by the way, brewing is not a necessary step in the soda-making process.
EDDIE: Good to know.
LEONARD: (aside to PENNY) How did you know she's a girl?
PENNY: I just knew. Girls can tell these kind of things. That, and I knew a girl like her back in Nebraska. Throughout the whole third and fourth grades, she dressed like a boy so that her dad would spend more time with her.
LEONARD: That was you, wasn't it?
PENNY: No… (LEONARD gives her a "fess up" look) …Okay.
(HOWARD and RAJESH enter through the open door, carrying equipment)
HOWARD: Okay, I've got the lasers, the mirrors, but I couldn't find the chess board. How about secret agent laser obstacle Mouse Trap?
(RAJESH holds up the Mouse Trap game box to show them)
EDDIE: Laser Mouse Trap? What's that?
HOWARD: (noticing another girl in the room) Hi there, Howard Holowitz.
EDDIE: Yes, I'm aware.
HOWARD: Oh, so Penny's told you about me? (looking back to PENNY) Yeah, to me, she'll always be the one who got away.
PENNY: You mean the one who ran away.
HOWARD: (back to EDDIE) So what's your name? Penny rarely brings her friends over here, so you have to forgive her for forgetting her manners.
PENNY: Howard, it's Eddie Ferguson.
HOWARD: Oh, really, where?
EDDIE: Right here. (gestures to herself)
HOWARD: (to PENNY) Oh, did you make him turn?
HOWARD: Don't be embarrassed. It's happened to me tons of times. Of course, about half those times, they were just saying they were gay to get me to leave them alone. Didn't always work out.
EDDIE: Howard, nobody turned anyone. I'm a girl. I was born that way.
HOWARD: (putting two and two together, he tries to cover his mistake) I knew that, of course I knew that. See, that was just a bit that Penny and I do to alleviate the sexual tension between us.
PENNY: (to RAJESH) Hey, Raj, can any of those lasers cut off fingers?
EDDIE: Well, I got my Super Scope, so I guess I'll be heading out.
SHELDON: But you haven't had a can of soda yet! It'll be ready in only two more minutes.
LEONARD: Look, Eddie, we're really sorry. We don't mean to offend you, it's just that…well, you were in the comicbook store, and you…
EDDIE: It's alright, I'm not offended. If you were jerks about it, then I might've been mad. But it was an honest mistake. I'm not gonna hold it against you.
HOWARD: How about you hold me against you?
EDDIE: (folds her arms with a glare) I'm giving you only one warning, Wolowitz. You talk to me like that again, and I'm gonna do the same thing that got me expelled from junior high. Now, what did you say?
HOWARD: (intimidated) I…said…Do you want to play secret agent laser obstacle Mouse Trap?
EDDIE: (almost instantly calm again) Sure. Sounds interesting. Penny, you gonna join?
PENNY: No, thanks. Saturday is when I…you know…leave the building. So…bye, guys.
EDDIE: Are we still on for a Nora Ephron movie marathon tomorrow?
PENNY: Oh, yeah. Just remember to bring the popcorn and "When Harry Met Sally".
EDDIE: Will do.
(PENNY leaves; the guys start to set up the game)
EDDIE: Hey, Raj, I heard you got the high score in Mole Patrol, congrats! (holds out fist to bump; RAJESH smiles meekly and lightly bumps her fist) Something wrong?
HOWARD: He can't speak to women. At least, not once he knows they're women.
EDDIE: But we talked fine yesterday. Okay, hang on… (unties the sweatshirt from her waist and puts it on; takes the hat out of the pocket and puts it on) How about now? (RAJESH seems to try to speak) C'mon, Raj…it's me, Eddie Ferguson. You told me all about how you figured out the exact formula that Professor Utonium would need to create real-world PowerPuff Girls.
SHELDON: A formula which was flawed in several places, I might add.
EDDIE: (gestures for SHELDON to be quiet) Now, Raj, don't you think you can talk to me again?
EDDIE: (knocks him on the shoulder) That's good enough for a start. So, what's all this about lasers?
(a cooking timer beeps)
SHELDON: Oh, good! (goes to the freezer and takes out a Cherry Pepsi, then crosses to EDDIE and gives it to her) Your soda. And save the can when you're done.
EDDIE: Sure thing.
(EDDIE opens her soda and joins the guys in setting up the game)
SCENE FOUR: Same setting, a little later. LEONARD and RAJESH are humming the music as HOWARD takes his turn in the laser field. The entire mouse trap is assembled on the game board. EDDIE is sitting next to SHELDON on the couch.
EDDIE: This has to be the coolest game ever. (to HOWARD) If you fail, you have to move onto the cheese wheel! (finishes the rest of her soda)
SHELDON: (handing her a marker) Make it out to "My friend, Dr. Cooper".
EDDIE: (slight chuckle) Okay, my friend the doctorate…there ya go. (signs and gives the can to him)
SHELDON: Thank you. So, about the Prince of Takla, is it—?
EDDIE: Hold on. (takes a folded paper from her back pocket and unfolds it) I'll need you to sign this.
SHELDON: A waiver?
EDDIE: Neither of us are allowed to talk about The Baron of Shadows at all, except if the topic is brought up by a third person, and even then, conversation is restricted only to what has been published under the graphic novel title. If either of us breaks this contract, we are liable to specified repercussions.
SHELDON: What repercussions?
EDDIE: (pointing to the specific clause on the waiver) If you break the contract, I'm allowed to set your couch cushion on fire.
SHELDON: I can't agree to that!
EDDIE: If I break the contract, then I have to name my next character Sheldor.
SHELDON: (a moment of consideration) I suppose that's fair. (signs, then EDDIE signs)
I like to act, but exclusively for theatre. I've been in stage plays for about ten years now, and I love it. Someday, I'd like to do a professional show. But I've never really been into the idea of pursuing acting for film or television. In the case of film, maybe if it was an epic fantasy genre movie where I could wield a sword. In the case of television, maybe if it was a sitcom—I think I'm more suited to comedy than drama TV, and the live audience element I love would be retained. Additionally, the only show I've ever imagined I could fit in with well is "The Big Bang Theory", my favorite TV show these days and the only one I keep up with week by week.
In one of my more bored moments of the day working on a point-and-click task at work, I amused myself by wondering what it would be like if I were on the show, what my character would be, how she would be introduced, etc. And as the ideas came flowing out, I knew I had to get it all out of my system and write it down-hence, Eddie and "The Ferguson Conversion". It was a lot of fun, especially to include a conversation on Trogdor the Burninator and to give the group a Nintendo Super Scope to play with on Vintage Game Night. I might write more episodes if I want some lighter, easier sort of writing as a break from my more serious original work.