Look, I don't have time for long introductions. I have to tell this story quickly, or we're all going to die!
Okay I'm just kidding - the only ones who were probably close to death were dad and mom from eating some of mom's cooking. Anyways, after finding this old tape cassette player (from the 90s!) and some of my dad and aunt's old tapes I decided it's time for me to make some tapes of my adventures too!
[My little sister and little brother are squeaking about them being included too – as if]
I should probably introduce myself now so the listeners aren't bored [Yes there are listeners Cleo!].
My name is Julius Iskandar Kane, Jules for short. And just so you know, I'm named after my grandpa who's the lord of the dead! You heard me right – he's the host of the god Osiris. You've probably heard all of that though. I'm also named after Iskandar. He helped raise my mom after her family died and guards the gates to the Land of the Dead, pretty cool right.
I'm 11-years old and on the brink of manhood. [I am Cleo! At least I'm not a baby like you - *fighting noises*].
Excuse me for that interruption. My 9-year old little sister can't wait for her turn to narrate – as if I'm going to give her a turn. Her name is Cleopatra Ruby Kane, but we call her butt face for short. [Why are you hitting me this time Matt? It's okay to make fun of Cleo because she's mean to me too]
And that's my little brother Matthew Carter Kane, Matt for short. He's 5-years old and in his "impressionable" years – so my mom and dad tell me to watch my language around him.
Anyways because most of the gods are on our side thanks to mom, dad and Aunt Sadie I can't describe stories of us saving the world and defeating some giant worm named Apophis. But I can describe what happened the other day – but be warned what you may hear may shock you (The Kane family is not responsible for seizures, vomiting, uncontrollable crying, fits of rage, and anything else that may happen due to listening to my tapes).
[And this is why you don't put down the tape player suddenly to go to the bathroom. Cleo here and I'm ready to start!]
So it all began yesterday! I woke up and it was a beautiful sunny day in Los Angeles – the birds were chirping, the neighbors were blasting pop songs on their speakers, and mom and dad were downstairs fixing us breakfast.
I went downstairs and had to make my way through the clutter. You see my dad's an Egptal-Egyptilo - I can't pronounce it! But he studies things about Egypt and he works in this large museum. He always brings stuff home with him – old Egyptian stuff from like the stone age. As I walked by I passed this large statue of a golden vulture with a necklace hanging out of its beak. [Matt wants me to tell you that it's called an amulet. He's really smart for his age unlike another brother of mine]
Mom and dad were hugging and kissing each other in the kitchen.
"Mom, Dad get a room!" I covered my eyes and sat down next to Matt at the kitchen table.
Mom's name is Zia Kane. She looks like me a lot – we're practically twins. Though I have brown eyes like my dad. Aunt Sadie said that there must be a curse on the Kane family that causes the girls and boys to be identical to their parents. But we both admit it's sometimes nice being able to pretend that we're not related to our brothers. The curse must also just be for the oldest kids because Matt looks like a perfect mixture of mom and dad. He has curly black hair, light brown eyes and light skin like me and mom.
"Parents who love each other kiss and hug a lot," my dad said to me giving me a kiss on the top of my head. My dad's name is Carter Kane. He is the coolest dad ever. None of the other dads on the block let their kids ride on giant birds or do cool spells and other stuff like that.
"Parents who love their kids also kiss and hug them a lot too," my mom smiled and kissed my forehead and cheek, and gave me a giant hug. I love when she holds me. [Matt does too.]
Mom and dad returned to cooking. It was amazing watching them move around the kitchen. They flowed smoothly together as they used their magic to create a feast.
"Jules! Time to eat!" my father shouted from the kitchen doorway to my sleeping brother upstairs. [See that's why you can't narrate yet Jules – you were still sleeping while it happened]
Jules is a heavy sleeper. My parents have to do some serious magic in order to get him to wake up sometimes. They must've been too lazy to get him that day though because after fixing me and Matt's plates they started eating.
Perhaps it was luck that prevented me from eating my food that morning, or maybe it was thanks to Matt's fart that filled the room and made too disgusted to eat – but I didn't eat my parent's cooking and was thus able to avoid becoming bird food. [Matt says I should thank him for his smelly fart – thanks Matt...]
Suddenly mom and dad dropped their forks. They looked at each other in horror before their faces crashed down onto their plates.
"Mom? Dad?" I sat there completely frozen. I wasn't sure what to do – it's not every day my parents faint onto their scrambled eggs.
"Mommy? Daddy?" Matt began to whimper.
I walked over to my mom and dad. They weren't moving at all except for breathing. I poked my dad and was shocked at how hot he felt. He felt warmer than when I had a fever. I poked mom and she felt the same. By now I was completely panicked and Matt was crying.
It was then that I decided to call my Aunt Sadie and Uncle Anubis. I grabbed the phone – dialed their number and waited for them to pick up.
"Hello," said a voice on the other end. I knew who it was right away – my younger cousin Kwoli.
"Kwoli put Aunt Sadie or Uncle Anubis on the phone!"
There was silence on the other end.
"Hello? Did you hear me? It's an emergency!" I screamed.
"I'm not allowed to talk to strangers. Who are you?" Kwoli asked me.
I resisted the urge to scream some of the foul words I'd heard my relatives say, "I'm Cleo! Your cousin, now put your mom or dad on the phone."
Kwoli is 6-years old by the way. He's very… [Jules says I should call him weird]… unique! But he would have to be since he has the god of funerals as a father and Aunt Sadie as a mother.
"You're the Cleopatra Ruby Kane who will be turning 10-years old this July on a Friday at 12 PM?"
"Yes!" I screamed at him, "Now I need to talk to Aunt Sadie and Uncle Anubis!"
"They're not home – bye!" The phone clicked off. I screamed out all the dirty words I'd heard and even a few I invented myself.
Matt began to cry even louder and mom and dad were still face down on their breakfast. I knew I had to do something dangerous – something that only my parents had ever attempted. I had to wake up my older brother.
Although I wasn't allowed to be in my brother's room without his permission I thought having dead parents was a good enough emergency to go inside without knocking. [How is that not an emergency Jules?] His room was a mess – clothes and food wrappings were all over the floor. He was as dirty as a baboon, Khufu was way neater.
"Wake up Jules," I pushed and poked him as he slept on his bed – he was wearing his usual Go Diego Go! pajamas by the way [*fighting noises* - well you were!]. He didn't move. He was like a big boulder. I grabbed a fistful of his curly hair and pulled it but he still didn't move.
The only thing I knew that would wake him was magic. I had already decided to follow the path of Bast – aka my goddessmother – and I already knew the basics of combat magic. My cat avatar appeared and whacked him on is large head.
"OUCH!" Jules screamed as he jolted up from the bed.
I laughed at his overreaction which was probably a bad thing to do when I had already angered him enough after entering his room without his permission and then proceeding to wack him on his head with a giant cat's paw.
"You are so dead," Jules muttered before jumping at me. I was fast – but Jules was faster. He grabbed my ankle making me fall to the floor and proceeded to sit on my face.
"You know what happens to little sisters who are bad?" He asked me as I squirmed under him.
"Let me go or I'll tell on you!"
"Older brothers fart on their faces!" And thus I smelt the fart from another brother's butt that day. Though this one didn't save me from anything, it just smelt like rotten eggs.
He laughed as I continued to squirm underneath him before we both heard whimpering at the door. I looked up and saw Matt crying – that's when I remembered mom and dad were still in trouble.
"What's wrong Matt? I'm not hurting her, so no need to tell mom and dad," Jules said while still sitting on my face. Jules held his hands up and Matt ran into his arms still crying. Of course Matt would ignore me though – I'm only his favorite sibling and the bestest older sister in the world. [I forgive you Matt]
"Mommy and daddy – are hurt," Matt hiccupped as he tried to explain what happened. Finally Jules got off of my face and ran downstairs. I followed after them.
[I'm awake now so it's my turn]
Anyways I ran downstairs after Matt told me about mom and dad lying dead in some eggs. And sure enough mom and dad were laying face down on their breakfast. I poked them a few times but that got no response out of them.
I picked up the phone and dialed my Aunt Sadie and Uncle Anubis.
"There's no point callin-"
I shushed my sister. I knew I had to call for some help, something my little sister was obviously too dumb to figure out to do. [I didn't know you had already called Cleo]
"Hello," my younger cousin Kwoli answered the phone.
"Hey Kwoli, I need to speak to your mom and dad," I knew Kwoli was weird so I had to get straight to the point or he'd start talking to me about the best kind of tombstones or something.
"I'm not allowed to speak to strangers," Kwoli responded even though I knew he recognized my voice. He was at our house almost every day.
"It's me Jules."
"Jules as in Julius Iskandar Kane, age 11, born on a Sunday?"
There was that weirdness of his, "Yes, that's me. Put your mom or dad on the phone!"
"They're not here – bye!" I heard the click of the connection ending and looked at my sister who was laughing.
"I tried to tell you that they weren't home," Cleo said smartly.
"We have to figure out what happened," I said ignoring her, "What happened?"
Matt and Cleo shrugged. "They ated the food and died," said Matt.
I used my expert thinking skills and had a realization, "They were poisoned!" They had to be poisoned. Once the food entered their mouth they died – er fainted and became feverish.
"Who would poison them?" Cleo asked, "Everyone likes mom and dad."
"It was probably Apophis!" I felt my heart racing, "He's come back for revenge against our parents and now it's our time to save them. We just have to go to the duat and defeat him once and for all. This is our shot at an adventure! – I mean saving mom and dad."
My two younger siblings looked at me skeptically but I was pretty sure I knew what I was talking about.
"Wrong Julius Kane," said a voice from behind me. I turned around and looked with horror at a large ugly overgrown angry vulture. The vulture looked at me like I was the worst thing since broccoli.
"Who are you and what are you doing in our house?" I asked. Our house was of course protected with spells that prevented others from entering without permission. So it was definitely worrisome to see someone who was up to no good in our house.
"I am Nekhbet and I'm here for revenge!"
"You're Neckbutt?" I asked. The Egyptian gods did have the weirdest names.
"Nekh-bet!" she shouted at me, "Gosh your just like that wretched girl. The one with blonde hair and blue eyes."
I knew she was talking about Aunt Sadie. It was weird that I was a lot like her – I think everyone expected I'd turn out like dad the most since I look just like him but I wasn't interested in all the little details of Ancient Egypt like him. I only like using magic and getting to the point, even if I was a little blunt.
"Yeah, I get that a lot," I laughed. I looked around the room for objects to defend me and my siblings with against Neckbutt. I had left my magician's bag in my room so I couldn't use my staff. Cleo looked terrified from behind me and was nervously holding up a kitchen knife while Matt hid behind her leg.
"So you're the one who poisoned my parents?" I asked the evil vulture to keep her busy as I figured out a way to kill it.
She laughed harshly, "Of course! I tried to poison Sadie Kane but she wasn't home and the little boy wouldn't open the door because I'm a stranger. But your family will be enough to complete my revenge! Now it's time to destroy you three!" She laughed some more and swooped at me.
I dodged easily but then realized she would hit Cleo and Matt. I watched in horror as my little sister and brother stood right in the path of her sharp talons.
Cleo quickly changed into a large golden cat and blocked Matt from being hit. I saw that Cleo would be able to hold Nekhbet off for a few minutes and used this as my chance to grab my staff from upstairs. Once I entered my room I realized it'd be a challenge even finding my shoes considering the amount of stuff laying around. [I'm going to clean it eventually Cleo, but right now I'm busy telling the story]
I could hear glass breaking downstairs and the vulture screeching. After a few minutes of clumsily looking around the clutter I found my bag and took out my staff. You're probably wondering just what am I – what's my specialty? I'm an elementalist, and not just for one element. I can control fire, water, lighting, air, earth, and cheese at the same time. It's a pretty rare skill. My mom and dad had figured out my special skill when I was a baby. Apparently I was quite the crazy child - if I was upset or mad I'd coat people in a layer of cheese and let them bake. I didn't learn control until I was 4-years old so my parents were very relieved when I had.
I ran downstairs and saw the vulture wrapping its claws around my sister's cat neck. I screamed out a battle cry and charged – no one hurts my sister. I whipped my staff around and summoned lighting, fire, twisters and anything I could think of. I'll admit my anger made me a little reckless. [Cleo says I was a bit more than reckless considering I completely destroyed the kitchen]
The kitchen was trashed by the time I was finished throwing my magic around. Yet my mom and dad were somehow still face down on their plates at the table completely undisturbed. Nekhbet wasn't so lucky – she was featherless from the heavy winds I'd summoned and smelled like cheesy chicken from the roasting I'd given her.
"I'll get my revenge someday!" She said as she tried fly off.
But I wasn't going to let her get away so easily – especially since my parents didn't look any better.
"Not so fast bird brains." I wrapped my twine around her neck holding her back from leaving, "How do we fix our parents? Tell us and we might let you live."
Nekhbet shrieked, "Just give them some Pepto-Bismol. They'll be fine after they eat it."
I looked at Cleo to see if she was buying it and she shrugged but we didn't have any choice not to trust her. We decided to go to the store and buy the medicine and left Nekhbutt tied up in twine.
[I'm going to tells what happened next!]
After the big birdy told us what to get for mommy and daddy we decided to go to the store. I told them that we were supposed to ask mommy and daddy first before leaving the house.
"Mommy we're leaving to get you some medicine okay?" I whispered to them because they were dead - I mean unconsioused.
They didn't say anything so I took that as a yes and we left to go to the store – [Julesy says I should jump to the more excitinger part and that I shouldn't call him Julesy]
After we got the medicine for mommy and daddy we walked back home. The birdy was still tied up and she said a lot of bad words. Cleo poured the pink stuff into mommy and daddy's mouths. And then they waked up. The end!
[That's not the end. Sorry, Matt doesn't know how to tell stories but mom said we had to let him speak]
Well after our parents woke up the first thing they did was scream at us about the mess. That's when they must've noticed the giant bird in the background and they started to understand that it wasn't our fault. We explained what happened and how we saved their lives by giving them Pepto-Bismol.
"That was definitely a strange start to the morning," my dad said to us. He laughed and gave us each a hug. Mom hugged us too but as she looked at the mess that was their home, I was sure she wasn't sure whether to punish us, congratulate us, or worry over us.
"We easily defeated her," Jules said proudly pointing to Nekhbett who was still tied up and looking terrified at the now awake older Kanes.
Dad approached the cowering vulture, "You're Nekhbett. You're the goddess that possessed Gran and attacked Sadie all those years ago."
"Yes Carter Kane. I was after revenge! I was going to poison her but some snotty kid wouldn't tell me where she was or open the door."
I laughed at the mention of Kwoli – even if he had opened the door Nekhbett wouldn't have had a chance against him. Since he was half god he was really powerful.
"So you poisoned us and tried to kill our kids?" Mom asked. She looked really angry and her amber eyes were transfixed on Nekhbutt's face. I knew that – and it meant you were either grounded or about to get yelled at.
Nekhbett must've sensed just how much trouble she was in because all she could do was squawk as my parents towered over her.
"You're going to clean up this mess. You're going to apologize to me, Carter and my children and then you're going to leave and never hurt another Kane for the rest of your godly life!" I couldn't help but smile as my mom released all of her fury at the whimpering god. And I was glad that I didn't have to help clean – it would take Nekhbeard all week to finish.
After my mom finished giving the orders to Nekhlberries on what to clean, we went to stay at Aunt Sadie and Uncle Anubis's house until the cleanup process was over. However due to Kwoli not believing us at the door that we were his relatives we had to go to a hotel.
And that's the end of our adventure! Perhaps it wasn't as cool as my parents and Aunt Sadie's – but it is kinda nice to just relax with my parents and brothers.
Plus as long as Ma'at needs to be balanced the Kanes will be there together. [Jules says he'll only be there if there's chocolate]
I hope you all liked that short adventure with their kids.
At CheyRainAwesomeness, maybe.. I'm just not sure if I'll have the time. I still have 2 other stories to finish and I already promised a sequel for this other story I wrote. But I might make just a series of oneshots and update it whenever. That seems like the easiest.
At Animal Charmer 11, I'm going to update that story soon I promise! I just have to finish reorganizing how I'm going to finish it.
Thanks everyone who reviewed, favorited, and story alerted (and even those who just read every chapter!). I had made this huge list of everyone's usernames but ffnet must've deleted it. So I'll just have to use some computer art as my thanks!
Thanks for reading!