Author's notes updated 03/30/2012
A/N: As the summary says, this is a fanfic of a fanfic, specifically uberneko-zero's PITCH. Thus, the fic largely imitates her style and uses words/phrases that appear in the story. Uberneko-zero obviously owns these incarnations of our favourite characters. Everything else belongs to O & O. I have uberneko-zero's permission to post this, although blessings from Ohba and Obata remain elusive :)
The following paragraph contains spoilers for the end of PITCH, so reader beware!
The fic takes place at Raito's house, sometime after the events of Chapter 21, aka the motel scene. This fic was written soon after that chapter was published, and I believed at the time that L and Raito would begin living together right afterwards. Man, was I ever wrong! So I suppose you can think of this as an alternate ending: Raito and L begin living together right after the motel scene, with nothing really resolved between them and no real declarations of love, either. That's the premise of this little one-shot.
There is a lemon in the story, but it's quick and not terribly graphic. Sorry, but I just can't do the super-detailed stuff that uberneko-zero does, even though I love reading it :) Nonetheless, this fic is rated M for sexual situations and references.
Raito's hands gripped his wrists, forcing them to the bed behind his head. He slunk up L's body and looked him intently in the eyes.
"What do you really feel for me, when all is said and done?" His voice was soft, yet L could sense the danger lurking behind his words and in his eyes.
"...Why do we keep circling back to this?" L asked helplessly. "I'm here, under this roof. I share your bed, and I wouldn't want to have anyone else – you know that. So why do you still insist –?"
"Because you never give me a straight answer. You evade, and you misdirect, and you head me off however you can; the only semblance of honesty I may access is what I can coax from your delightful body. You're a liar, Lawliet, and I can't trust anything you say."
"So why bother –?"
"Because now I have you where I want you." Raito's eyes gleamed dangerously, and L could see himself reflected in them. His lazy smile, while genuine, promised nothing good for L. "What better place for honesty, after all, than this bed, where we've made known our deep desires these past weeks and months?" He trailed the backs of his fingers down the side of L's neck, making him shiver. "Now that this bed couches us both at night, only one barrier remains. No more running, Lawliet. No more deceptions. This time you will tell me the truth, unless you want to spend the night in incredible agony." His hands tightened on L's wrists. "There's nowhere to hide, Lawliet. Now you are going to tell me what I what to know, no holds barred."
"...Why are you so sure I've deceived you before? And why bring this up again now? I don't –"
"That's not what I want to hear, Lawliet. Questioning. Evasions. Why can't you just be honest with me, hmm?" His voice was slipping into its seductive register, calling to something within him and making his groin throb. "The only words I want to hear from your pretty lips are the ones that will answer my question."
"Raito, wait a –"
"Raito, let me –"
"You are only allowed to do one thing right now, Lawliet." He leaned down until his lips brushed L's. Raito teased him with those lips, driving him crazy with the softest of pressure, and he found that he almost wanted to do exactly as Raito commanded him. "Open your mouth, Lawliet," he whispered, and L could feel Raito's smile against him. "Use that tongue of yours. Tell me what I want to hear." He lowered his body atop of L's until they were skin to skin, L gasping softly as their groins touched. And then Raito began slowly rocking against him. L's eyes closed and yet the image of Raito remained burned into them, and his words echoed around the empty chamber of his brain as all thought fled. L hated that Raito could affect him this way, could make him want so badly to obey...yet he felt he might shatter into a million pieces if he did not give Raito what he wanted, immediately. He couldn't resist anymore.
"I...Raito...Shouldn't it be obvious by now that I feel something for you?" He said brokenly. "After all you've put me through, hasn't that become clear, and haven't you believed it? It's the truth, and yet you constantly force me to open up to you again as if for the first time. It feels like you want to punish me for something, and I don't even know what I did!"
"...You want more – that wasn't enough? What then should I say? That you have exhausted me with your demands for my body, my affection, my life, my submission to you in every possible way? That I barely even know who I am anymore, and sure as hell still don't know who you are, really? That you've turned my entire life upside-down and still insisted that you've asked nothing of me? That I'm still far from sure that any of this has been worth it, at all..."
L has rarely seen Raito look as cruel, as ugly, and as hurt as he appeared now. His grip on L's wrists was painful. "So. You say you feel something for me, and then say you think none of this was been worth it? You would discard me, even after all this?"
"Raito, that's not what –"
"That's not what you mean?" he mocked, holding L's wrists down with one hand so that he could grip L's jaw with the other, staring into his face with a rather crazed look. His hand gripped L's wrists so tightly that it shook. "You damned –"
"Raito! Listen to me, really listen." He tried his best to keep his voice calm in the face of Raito's upset (temporary insanity?), and he mostly succeeded. "Look at me, Raito, look in my eyes." To his surprise, Raito did so, seeming to sense that L was serious, unshuttering his expression enough for L to clearly see the hurt shining in his eyes. That must have been unconscious, a mistake on Raito's part, but the fact that Raito had lost it enough to make that sort of error sent a spear of emotion through L, letting him know that he had some control over this, and giving him the strength to continue.
"Raito, do you see a lie in my eyes now? Do you think I'm trying to deceive you? Forget that other stuff I said, I was wrong to bring it up now, that's an argument for another day. Right now, you must believe me. Believe me," he whispered, tilting his chin up as Raito's lips drifted closer to his again. "If I feel I've endured for you, if I've stayed, doesn't that by itself prove that I feel something? Doesn't the pleasure I feel when we're in bed together tell you anything? Raito, there's only so many times you can pry me apart before I become completely spent. I'm reaching that point now. So you have to believe me." He tried to end on a lighter note, wanting Raito's mouth. "Perhaps you could taste the truth on my lips, if you tried."
"Perhaps I could," he murmured, his eyelashes fluttering as he bent to L's lips and took him with his. L was rather relieved that he seemed ready to take L at his word, rather that beginning a new and pointless argument. Raito skimmed over his mouth, kissing him sensually but not deeply, leaving the exploration of his mouth for another time. L thought that he had rarely seen Raito so restrained, and hoped that this was not a bad sign.
"Lawliet," he said then, pulling away with some effort. "You have to complicate everything. Here I asked you a simple question, and it took this immense effort just to get a straight answer out of you. And here all I wanted to do was tell you that I love you. That's all." He licked his lips and tasted them thoughtfully, although his eyes remained fixed on L's face.
L's brain seemed to have jammed.
"Having some hearing trouble?" He said airily, as if he'd commented on the weather. "I can't always be repeating myself, Lawliet..."
"Did you just say that you love me?"
"Oh, is that what you heard – 'I love you'? I could've sworn I said, 'try the fondue.'"
"I...I'm not sure what to say."
"You might say what people often say in this situation. The polite thing to do, as I understand it, is to respond in kind – you know, something along the lines of, 'Oh Raito dearest, my bosom heaves in my chest, and I do believe that I shall die if I go a moment longer without telling you that you are the sun in my sky and that I worship the very ground you walk on, and I will live wherever you want me to and do whatever you tell me to for the rest of my life because I love you so much I can't stand it.'"
"...I think you've lost your mind."
"Do you?" said Raito, and seemed to regain some of his seriousness. "Is love that out of the question? Have you ever even thought about it? Or were you too busy feeling wronged?"
L, not sure how to respond, said nothing. Raito was now shuttering the emotion in his eyes again, his face assuming a bland expression that seemed cold to L. "Well, I was obviously mistaken," he said briskly, and began to slide off of L. "Forget I mentioned it. What shall we do for dinner tonight?"
L's head was spinning. "Wait, Raito..." he said, grabbing his hand.
"I..." The words stuck in his throat. He was quite certain of his own feelings, yet he remained unsure whether he wanted Raito to know just yet, or ever. It had always just seemed like a bad idea. Raito already had far too much power in the relationship, and L saw no justifiable reason for giving him the ultimate weapon to use against him. He would abuse L's love, L was certain, just as he had abused L's desire time and time again, to keep L close and insure that he could never run away. And yet...Raito's confession just now had seemed genuine. His very nonchalance about it, feigned as it obviously was, seemed to prove the truth of it. L couldn't imagine allowing Raito to come away with the impression that his love was unreturned, couldn't imagine subjecting Raito to that kind of pain. And yet he couldn't get the words out.
"I...I...Raito, you know I care for you."
"You know that's not the same thing."
For a moment, L said nothing. Then, with a growl of frustration, he burst out, "What would you do if I told you exactly what you want to hear? I think you would use it to leash me to you, to lord it over me until I was nothing more than your pet, small and subservient in every way. I think it would be the death of me."
The ugly look had returned. He distanced himself from L the only way he could without dismounting him, sitting up on his haunches as he straddled L. "Is that so, Lawliet? You really see me as that sort of monster? Well, I suppose love must truly be out of the question, then. Who could love anything so monstrous, so ugly as myself? A man with a whole room full of dark secrets! With coasters! Yes, yes, how could you ever love such a one as myself?"
"Please don't be like this, Raito. There's no need to get so upset –"
"Upset? I'm not upset, I'm pissed off! After everything I've done, all I've opened myself to you...and for what? You know what, Lawliet, fuck you. Fuck you and your coldness and your standoffishness, and your needless resistance to every little thing I do or ask of you –"
"So you do admit you've asked me for things?"
"Shut up, I'm talking."
"Don't make me hit you."
"A lot of domestic abusers say things like that."
"Goddammit!" Raito rolled off of L, sitting on the side of the bed and putting his face in his hands with a noise of disgust. "Shut up, Lawliet, just shut up for one second. I need to think." They were silent for a moment, L frantically trying to think what to do next. He made no progress whatsoever, and after a minute, Raito got up as if to leave, without a word. A stab of terror shot through L as he feared this might really be the end, and he took hold of Raito's wrist before he could slither away.
"Raito, stop," he said.
"And why should I? I've made my feelings clear, as you've made yours, and I think there's nothing left to say." L could feel the tension in Raito as he gripped his arm.
"Raito, stop. Sit back down for a moment. Let's not end this in a fight. Sit down." He stroked at Raito's forearm and wrist, then took his hand and massaged his palm. Raito seemed to soften a little, and he did indeed sit down again as L suggested, though he remained facing the door. L pulled Raito to him, hugging him from behind and laying his head near Raito's shoulder. He could still feel the tension in Raito's body, yet he could also feel him subtly pressing back against him, wanting to feel their bodies together.
"Raito, why did you ask me about my feelings again before baring yours?" L thought he knew the answer, but wanted to hear Raito voice it. It might give him a clue about what tactic to take next.
"Isn't that obvious? I wanted at least some assurance that you cared for me before I made a fool out of myself. Not that that made any difference..."
"Shhh." L nuzzled against him, and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. Raito sagged a bit, tension draining out of him until he seemed almost defeated. Somewhat to his surprise, L found that he didn't like that, found himself pitying Raito too much to revel in his downfall. "Raito, I'm far from convinced that you're good for me –"
"You still don't believe I've had any positive effect on your life?"
"I didn't say that. I mean that in the balance of the good and the bad you've done for me, I'm still not convinced that the good has won out. But our –" He balked at the word relationship. "– This thing between us is still new, and I do think that if we give things a chance to settle down and evolve naturally, that may change. I hope they will. If it wasn't clear before – if it wasn't made clear by my agreeing to move in with you – then you should know that I want to stay with you, and I want to make this work if it can. Raito..." he said, and lowered his voice almost to a whisper. "Raito, I didn't want to tell you before, but...I love you. That is the truth. I've known it for a while now."
"...Were you planning on ever telling me? Or were you content to let me stew in uncertainty forever?" There was some definite acid in Raito's voice, as if L's confession, rather than softening him, had renewed his anger. "Are you always so cruel to the people you love?"
"I've already made it clear, the dangers I saw and still see in telling you. I didn't keep it from you to be cruel – I've never deliberately tried to hurt you, and I don't think you can say the same," L said, with only a hint of his own anger showing. "I don't think it's fair to call me out for being cruel to you, for not telling you, when I think on the whole you've given out far more hurt than you've taken in. And yet, I am sorry now for keeping it from you, while I don't think you are sorry for anything you've ever done to me. Was I wrong to try and protect myself from you that way? I don't think so. But I am sorry that I wound up hurting you."
L doubted that Raito felt he had ever truly wronged him, that he saw his behaviour as anything more than frustration at L's refusal to let Raito utterly own him as he seemed to believe was his right and destiny. And yet he was allowing L to express his anger without an interruption, was taking in his words without protest.
"Raito, I do still think there are things we need to hash out if we're going to live together with some semblance of harmony. And yet...I think that, just maybe, this could work. I want to be with you, Raito. And it seems that you want to be with me as well. Raito..." He kissed Raito's cheek, then opened his lips again. "...Kiss me?"
Raito turned towards him, that tragic look flashing in his eyes again, but he took L's lips with his and their mouths moved softly together. Raito deepened the kiss, gently pushing L down on the bed again, L making a soft noise of content as his back hit the mattress and Raito slid between his legs. Raito unbuttoned L's pants and slipped both them and his underwear off with one hand, and L wondered what he was doing with the other one until Raito suddenly slid within him, slick and ready, and L gasped and trembled. Raito made love to him tenderly, if not exactly gently, his hands and lips pressing hard into L's flesh as they moved over his body with something that approached reverence. L's hands skimmed over Raito's back and into his hair, grasping and stroking it as they moved together with a wantonness that took even him by surprise. Moans filled the air, until L could hardly tell which were his and which Raito's. And then suddenly the pleasure was spiking within him, taking him over, and as he felt his muscles convulse helplessly around Raito, he too came, burying his face in L's neck with a fresh moan. And then it was over, and they were holding each other as the pleasure slowly ebbed; L could feel Raito's racing heartbeat as their chests pressed together, and he assumed Raito could feel his as well. He could see the pulse jumping in Raito's neck, and ached to nip at it, and so he did, Raito making a noise of pleasure as he did so. Raito pulled back enough to look L in the eyes, brushing L's damp hair out of his face with a tenderness that made him burn inside.
"You were serious about the things you said, weren't you, Lawliet?"
"Yes. Weren't you?"
Raito bent down to kiss him, and as L felt him smile against his lips, he realized he couldn't feel annoyed at the evasion. Sometimes a kiss spoke louder than words.
A/N: This was kind of a departure for me. With most of my stories, I thought things through quite a bit before writing. This one I just decided to write two days ago because of a RaitoxL scene I invented in bed and really liked. When I tried to recreate it on my laptop, it turned out very different from the original (especially when I noticed an inconsistency that necessitated some rewrites), but I still like it. The title is "Lips," by the way, both because the word gets repeated so much in the fic, and because our lovebirds use their lips to tell each other the truth. So it's not completely random (that may be the only thing about this fic that isn't). I gotta say, this was really fun. Hell, I might even consider another installment if someone likes this and uberneko-zero doesn't mind.
See you around!