A/N: Dedicated to my patient beta Countess Black, who has disowned this fic.
Because it's horrible. Seriously, this is intended as dark gallows humour. It is NOT for the sensitive and especially NOT intended for
Let's all try to take it in the spirit it's intended in, okay?
Also, there's a Lovecraft reference. And the story was inspired by (yet legally distinct from ) a certain subset of rainbow bears.
'So why' said Malfoy 'are we on this magic carpet?'
'Because the Dark Lord commands it, and He is almighty.'
'Obviously. Besides that.'
'Weren't you paying any attention at the meeting, Malfoy?'
'Of course I was. But for some ill explained reason, I should like to hear it again.'
'Ah. Well, I'm here because I am His Most Faithful. And we're to establish diplomatic relations with these creatures.'
'He kept trying to eat the children at Hogwarts.'
'I couldn't help it! They're delicious!'
'That's...disturbing, Fenrir. And why is Rodolphus here?'
'Search me. I tried to leave him but he's like some sort of cockle burr or something.'
'I am Trixie's husband.'
'Makes for two of us then, mate. In the purely physical sense.'
'Despicable. And Galvin, why did you come?'
'That's why? The sole reason?'
'All right, then. And McNair?'
In answer, McNair went and scooted closer to Rodolphus and the werewolf, who included him in the sotto voce conversation. Lucius shivered and looked straight ahead. 'Am I the sole wizard in Britain never to have...?'
Goyle raised a brow. 'Never?'
'Oh. S'all right, mate. Move over, McNair.'
The carpet lurched wildly and Bellatrix shrieked . 'I WILL WET MY HANDS WITH THE BLOOD OF A THOUSAND ENEMIES!'
Malfoy knew this to be a common conversational gambit for Trixie, and said 'Narcissa's fine, actually. Sends her love.'
'Does she? How sweet, do send it back. I WILL TAKE HEADS!'
'It has been cold.'
'Beastly, isn't it? HIS MIGHT IS UNMATCHED!'
'Why do you suppose the carpet was necessary?'
'THE D-because brooms would take too long, clearly-ARK LORD WILL SMITE THOSE WHO OPPOSE HIM!'
The thing finally stopped, and the Death Eaters piled out in the pinkest place any of them had ever seen. All about them, chubby pastel creatures waddled, giggling, and did other sickening cute things, while twee music played in the background from some unseen source.
'Hello, friends. How can we help you?'
'What IS this place?'
'We're the Affection Ursines, and we love you.'
'We're the Affection Orsines' mimicked Bellatrix in a baby voice 'and we wuv you.'
'Exactly' beamed the creature, and threw his arms about Bellatrix's legs. 'We do love you.'
'GET! IT! OFF!' Bellatrix flailed as though her skin was covered by spiders, dancing wildly, trying to dislodge the clinging, grinning bear. 'DEATH EATERS DO NOT HUG!'
'Not hug?' The whole population of the cloud city stopped in horror, and then, like a tidal wave of tactile affection, crushed the confused Death Eaters in a mound of limbs and torsos, all of them chanting.
'We love you.'
'Kill us both, Malfoy! I wish to give my life to stop this menace!'
'But Trixie' said Lucius, batting away some sort of lion thing with ease 'you look so cute.'
' I! AM !NOT! CUTE! I'LL KILL YOU!' I'LL KILL YOU ALL!'
'Kill us all? That's not very friendly.'
'You should see what she's like in bed. There was this time...' McNair was smashed flat to the ground by a herd of improbably adorable creatures, all of them singing a happy song to drown out the horror.
'That was my response' said Malfoy, swatting away yet another tiny enemy.
'All of you need lots of love! We'll go and see Benevolent Feeling Ursine, perhaps he'll have the answer.'
The Death Eaters found themselves bundled along by the sheer number of the bitty foemen. The leader turned out to be a Ursine with burnished fur and a heart on his belly.
'Hello, friends! What seems to be the problem?'
'We come from Britain, emissaries of the Dark Lord.' McNair bowed and moved a bit closer. 'We seek to ally ourselves with you for the betterment of both of peoples.'
'Oh! How fun!'
'Err...I suppose so.'
'Until the Dark Lord feels your usefulness to Him is at an end and destroys you.'
'That's not very fun at all! Doesn't the Dark Lord want us to spread sunshine and giggles for him?'
'No' said Malfoy 'he wants you to maul his enemies.'
'Maul? Don't you mean cuddle?'
'No' said Goyle ' he means to rend with teeth and claws, like.'
'It isn't as though we'd not share the meat with you.' Said Greyback, trying to conciliate with a fellow predator.
'We don't want to eat people! We want to teach them to care!'
The Death Eaters looked at one another in confusion. '...What...?'
Bellatrix bent down and looked at Benevolent Feeling Ursine. 'So you aren't a warlike people, is that what you're saying?'
'I see. Well, then. KILL THEM ALL!' And then the burning began.
FIVE MINUTES LATER:
The cloud city was on fire. The final defenders were clustered near the flaming remains of the city centre, many of them wounded. 'What do we do now, Courageous Feeling Lion?'
'We show them our love. All together now!' The ragged lines reformed, faced the Death Eaters, and used their most powerful and care filled weapon, the Affection Stare.
Bellatrix turned, eyes gleaming, and unshielded her mind.
'OH NO MY SOUL MY SOUL MY ' The defenders dropped, bleeding from the ears and nose, and the few others which remained pressed forward, knowing they'd met their match but determined to try and fight this terrible menace.
Devotion Ursine tried next. He threw himself against Bellatrix, clutching her leg, and then abruptly let go, turning to his companions and letting out a terrible roar.
'Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Clhulu Rl'yeh wgha'negl fhtagn!'
The others stepped back in shock. 'Devotion Ursine, what happened?' Devotion Ursine sprang forward with a shriek and sank his fangs into the jugular of the Ursine closest, howling in obscene triumph.
'Promptness Ursine, nooooo!'
'Let him go! He's done, he's done! Fall back!'
The others broke and ran deeper into the city, hoping to find reinforcements. Bellatrix turned to the others. 'Well, that was fun. Shall we go?'
FIVE MINUTES AFTER THAT:
Bellatrix adjusted the hood of her stylish new coat. 'Is it me?'
Rodolphus gently straightened the ears of the hood. 'Quite. That tawny colour really suits you.'
'And Cissy will love the pink and purples ones, don't you think?'
Malfoy threw the carpet into gear. 'Indeed.'
'For little bear creatures, they put up quite a fight' said Goyle, touching his new bearskin shako.
'Yes, but they were tender and succulent all the same.'
'So, all's well that ends well?'
'Something like that.'
AN HOUR LATER:
'My Lord, your humble servants regret to inform you the embassy was unsuccessful.'
'To the bears, you mean?'
'Yes, my lord.'
'And why is that, Lucius?'
'Because they were not sufficiently warlike, my lord, so we were forced to destroy them totally, body and soul.'
'Oh. Well, I suspected it would end this way.'
'I thought it might prove diverting. What's that you've got?'
'A lion's pelt, my lord, we got for you to wear.'
'Excellent. All's well that ends well indeed.'
Malfoy raised an eyebrow at his brother in law. 'How did he hear that?" He whispered.
'BECAUSE HE IS MIGHTY, AND I AM HIS MOST FAITHFUL.'
Deciding that was good enough, Malfoy rose to give his wife her new pelts, and never speak of what he'd seen again.