For Amanda, Nikki, Annie and Stef. Your encouragement means the world to me and I love you all. Thank you for not giving up hope. Katie, as always, you are the twin I never knew I had. Never leave me, I'd be lost without you.
All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephanie Meyer, I'm simply playing around with New Moon.
"Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." - James A. Baldwin
"You don't want me." I said flatly. I hated this part. My eyes burned into the forest floor, knowing that if I looked up at him I would surely lose the trembling grip I had on my sanity.
"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."
Anger surged in my belly, his words, oh they sounded honest. Biting, even, but I knew better.
"You're not good for me, Bella."
He waited, expecting, I'm sure for me to stumble. For his rejection to wash over me and shatter what little hope I held within myself. I simply continued to glare at the forest floor.
"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without anymore interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed."
This was beyond infuriating, he was speaking to me as if I were a child. As if I didn't know what resided in my own heart. As if I didn't know that somewhere, deep down and hidden, he was breaking his own as well.
"Don't worry. You're human—your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind. "
Ah, yes, please belittle me just a tiny bit more. If he thought I failed to notice his slip, tiny as it were, he was sadly mistaken.
"Well, I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted."
I awoke with a start, gasping and shaking, but no longer with tears and a frantic scream on my lips. No, I was no longer broken-hearted and wallowing in my misery. I was angry. So very angry.
I pinched the bridge of my nose, expelling large breaths as I tried to calm myself. I knew that the anger was good, healing even; but it was who I was angriest at that always pulled me up short.
Sure, I could continue to act as if it were all Edward's fault. He left me. He lied. He broke my heart and acted as if he simply didn't care.
But, simply stated, I let him. I knew, months ago, when he spoke those cold words, that something wasn't right. However, I let my own insecurities flicker to life and engulf me in their fiery destruction. I had always thought he was too good for me. It was about time he came to that conclusion himself, right?
I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, and stared at my computer. I knew what I would do. The same thing I had done time and time again, since that day in September. I pushed myself off the bed and walked over, turning the machine on. At first, it was simply cathartic. A way to expel emotions, get them out of my mind and try to come to terms with how badly I was hurt. But the more I wrote, the more that tumbled out of me, I realized that these things needed to be said. I needed for them to see what they had done to me. So I expunged the blackest of the black within my soul. I recounted every tear, every scream, every ache and pain. I recounted the time I spotted a silver car in Port Angeles and broke down into tears in the middle of a crowed sidewalk. I explained how I had pushed every single person I ever cared for away, because I couldn't be the person they loved anymore.
I did it all with one intention. I wanted to hurt them like they hurt me.
So as the pale moonlight moved across my bedroom floor, I let it out. All the pain and longing and anger and sadness. I had so many pages now. I didn't even know for sure if they still had their current email addresses. A funny thing, considering how starved I was for any kind of communication with them -any of them, I couldn't lie to myself, I longed for him most - yet had never actually attempted contact.
My fingers flew over the keys. Some times volatile and aimed to hurt, sometimes pleading and heartfelt. I was a living, breathing dichotomy - this I knew. I wanted him - them - I wanted my life back. The life where my heart was so full of love, hope and life. Where every single day seemed like a gift sent to me directly from the Heavens above. I wanted it back.
I was also very angry, and felt that it was so important for them to understand just how much they had broken me.
My fingers slowed, and through blurry vision that was all too common for me these days I realized that I had nothing left to say. I had said my I love yous and my I hate yous. I had given each and every family member their own piece. I wiped my eyes and slowly swallowed, giving in for a moment to my fear.
A soft breeze danced through my room and I smiled. I missed the feeling of the night air, I hadn't opened my window since Charlie had forced it closed at the end of October.
And that was the precise moment my finger froze, hovering a fraction of an inch above the mouse - the pointer on my screen dancing above the send button.
I hadn't opened my window since the end of October. I hadn't opened my window.
I could feel my heart beating a furious rhythm against my sternum, terrified to turn around - and even more so that I had finally cracked. That this was it, I was officially certifiable. I kept my finger poised above the mouse, unsure what my next course of action would be.
"It certainly took you long enough, Bella," came the high and clear voice from across the room. "I had begun to lose faith in you, if we're being totally honest." Her voice was like a soothing balm against all my wounds. Of course she would come. As quickly as her presence soothed me, it ripped a fiery path through my very soul. How could she be so calm? How could she act as if their departure hadn't tortured me endlessly for months?
"Well, I'm so sorry if I let you down, Alice." My voice was harder than even I expected, and after a sharp intake of breath she let out a weak chuckle.
"Touché, Miss Swan."
I felt betrayal burn inside me and I couldn't control the venom in my voice with my next question.
"Why are you here, Alice?"
I heard her expel a large breath before she replied, almost brokenly.
"I'm here to make sure you make the right choice."
I swung around in my chair, nearly sobbing when my eyes finally fell on her lithe form. She was sitting on the window sill, looking extraordinarily rough. I had never seen Alice look so very tired and rumpled. Still, I was angry that she thought she could just show up months later and begin to tell me what to do.
"I know you aren't going to try and keep me from sending this, Alice. I need to do this. I have to and I don't honestly care what you've seen or how this affects you, him or anyone else for that matter. It needs to be said. I'm not even sure that it'll go through and it's probably a dead end but I still feel that it's very important." I was gaining steam and with my eyes still trained on her face, I let go of a shuddering breath. She looked utterly impassive. Like what I was saying mattered very, very little.
"Goddammit, Alice! You might be all seeing but you sure as hell aren't all knowing, and to be honest I could give a fuck less about your opinion!" Narrowing my own eyes and trying in vain to slow my breathing, I continued. "Your opinion, your high and mighty opinion stopped mattering the second you chose to turn your back on me and left without any semblance of a goodbye." I fought the sob clawing it's way up my throat. I needed to get this out. This burning ugliness that was buried deep down inside, that made my stomach feel sour and nervous at the same time.
"I just don't care that I might be imposing on your perfect little family with my silly little human emotions, Alice. You all deserve to hear them and face them...and deal with everything I've had to. On my own. At least for one moment in time. At least for one single second, because I've had to deal with nothing but since September. Because everyone else has gone on...and I've been stuck in it, all alone."
I watched as her facade slowly started crumbling. I watched with absolutely no glee as my pain was reflected in her own amber eyes.
"I want you all to live it with me for just a small amount of time, so I can feel like I did exist. Because when Edward left, it wasn't like he never existed, Alice. It was like I never did. Because he took everything that made me who I was with him." She opened her mouth to speak but I held up a shaky hand, telling her with my eyes that I didn't want to hear anything from her at that moment. It was finally my time and she had opened the floodgates.
"And it isn't fair, Alice, that he gets to be the one that still exists - somewhere! Where I'm not sure, and that makes it worse. Because he shouldn't be real. He shouldn't have existed in the first place. None of you should have. You're supposed to be mythological creatures, that have no place in this world outside of fairy tales and horror stories. But you do. And I'm a living, breathing testament to that. Because I loved you all, with every fiber of my being and because of it, I'm nothing but memory to everyone around me. Because I let each of you in, I gave each of you a place in my heart and when you left you took all of me with you. It's not fair that you all get to go about your lives, and I've simply stopped living. I hate you. I hate all of you. Almost as much as I love you."
I turned back toward the computer screen, trying to keep my eyes dry and knowing it was a battle I would ultimately lose. I tried to hold on to the anger burning through me, but my last words rang true. As angry as I was, as hurt and disappointed - I still loved them with every beat of my heart. I motioned to the screen before turning back to her, almost pleading in my demand for her to understand.
"It feels like the only tie I have left to you all, I can't just let it go...I can't. I need to be able to...I have to let you all know...I can't just let it go." My breath was slowing, my eyes misting over again. I watched in almost awe, as her fingers flexed around the window sill, splinters breaking off and tumbling through the air to the floor. She looked like she wanted to say something but stayed stoically silent.
I sighed deeply and let my eyes fall to my lap. I knew it would come to this, even if she weren't here. Could I actually go through with it, anyway? And I knew the answer, deep in my soul.
I couldn't. These people were like family to me, I loved them all madly and I couldn't even try to bring them the slightest amount of pain.
And just like that, I lost myself to the grief all over again. One broken, shuddering sob became two. Two became three and before I knew it, I was right back to that day in September, only this time by my own making.
In a flash, Alice was before me, her dark tawny eyes searching my own frantically. With more compassion than I could comprehend, she grabbed my hand and shook her head.
"No, it's okay, Alice. I'm not going to send it, don't worry. I'm sorry you had to come all the way back here." It took all my strength to force the words out. Hot tears continuously streamed down my face and for the life of me, I couldn't find it in me to care. I let my eyes close, brief as it were, because her next words sent a shock straight through me.
"No, Bella, I'm here to make sure you do send it."
I hope you liked it.