A/N: Alright, here we go again!

Juliet's iPhone:

Paris: I hope you won't take it amiss that I should have received your number from your parents, nor let it impact upon your answer to the following request. I should very much like to have dinner with you, this evening if convenient. I understand that your position is rather more difficult than my own, as I have at least been free to choose the hand for which I shall vie; I can only apologise if I managed to convey insincerity when the opposite was my only object. Yours sincerely, Paris.

DaddyWhoIsVeryMeanAndIHate: Darling! Dinner! Paris is forgiving you! TAKE THIS CHANCE OR SO HELP ME WE SHALL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: Sweetest moonbeam-daisy-ocean-dandelion-snugglebun, I just heard about P! Wut you gonna do? Baby, I 3 you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXxxxxxxx Don't goooooo0000000ooooo, please, doll! YOU ARE MY ALL.

MummyWho'sNotAsBadAsDaddyButStillVeryMean: Juli! Come along dear, accept Paris' offer. It won't be that bad. He's very charming, really.

DaddyWhoIsVeryMeanAndIHate: Juliet, you DAMN WELL ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

MummyWho'sNotAsBadAsDaddyButStillVeryMean: Your father didn't mean to swear, dear. DO text back soon! It's very important.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: BABE, I LOVE YOU! STAY WITH ME, WIFEY!

DaddyWhoIsVeryMeanAndIHate: I F# *ING WELL DID MEAN TO SWEAR! ANSWER YOUR MO*&ERF #!ING PHONE! DO YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR FOURTEENTH BIRTHDAY, YOU STUPID COW?!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: Is he so much better than me?!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: Have I disappointed u somehow?!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: DID I SAY SOMETHING WRONG?!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: WHATEVER IT WAS I DIDN'T MEAN IT. I LOVE YOUUUUUUU 3333333 xxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxx

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: God, I shoulda known you deserve better than me! I'll go! DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME. I DON'T DESERVE YOU.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: WHAT IS SO WRONG WITH ME?!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: I'm sorry babe-hunny-snookums, I didn't mean to ask that- I know compared to your perfection my flaws must be so obvious and please please I don't deserve you didn't mean it BABEZZZZZZ

MummyWho'sNotAsBadAsDaddyButStillVeryMean: ...Darling, Daddy's been under a lot of stress lately and this deal with Paris really could tip the balance; you wouldn't want to make it awkward for us, would you? xxxxxxxx

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: A VERY TALL ONE.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: WITH A HANDRAIL.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: I SHALL CLIMB OVER THE HANDRAIL.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: AND I SHALL JUMP!

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: IT IS VERY TALL AND WILL BE A VERY LONG FALL AND WORTH IT BECAUSE I LUV YOU SOOOOOO MUCH AND I CAN'T RUIN YOUR LIFE ANY MOOOOOORE! XXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXX 33333

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: GOOOOOOOOODBYE LOVE OF MY LIFE ETERNITY AND BEING BECAUSE YOU ARE 4EVER AND EVER EVEN AFTER I AM DEAD XXXXXXXxxxxxxxxXXXXXXX

DaddyWhoIsVeryMeanAndIHate: Is one dinner REALLY too much to ask?! HE'S RICH. WE DID NOT RAISE YOU TO POINTEDLY AVOID GOLD-DIGGING.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver!: I BET HE'S IMPOTENT.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: AND BORING.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: AND HAS SILLY HAIR!

MummyWho'sNotAsBadAsDaddyButStillVeryMean: Come along dear, poppet, sweetheart! It's a meal out at your favourite restaurant and with a charming man; you wouldn't want to turn him down out of hand, would you? He's CHARMING. Really properly charming like a lovely gentleman and he's ever so understanding about your little fiasco and will accept you whenever you like – but Daddy says make it soon – because that's how much he cares, my darling! He's everything you ever wanted! Do you remember that book we used to read about how the girl's first love wasn't the true one? Yes, well, that could be the case here too! This doesn't commit you to anything. Just a little chat and dinner. With flowers and candles. Very normal. Come along dear.

RomeoTheBestHubbyEver: ...Love you XXXXXXXxxxxxxXXXXX 33333


Romeo and Mercutio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: MERC SHE'S GOING TO SEE PARIS AND I AM GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGEEEEEE

MerkyMerk: ...

FUCKmylife: MERC SHE'S GOING TO SEE PARIS AND I AM GOING TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGEEEEEE

MerkyMerk: ...Yeah, I got what you said the first time.

FUCKmylife: Well you didn't ANSWER!

MerkyMerk: That really NEEDS an answer?

Romeo and Benvolio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: BENNNNNNNNNNNN! SOMETHING AWFULS HAPPENNNNNNNNED.

TimeLordBen: I've heard. Apostrophe, please.

FUCKmylife: BENNNNNNNNNNNN! SOMETHING AWFUL'S HAPPENNNNNNNNED.

TimeLordBen: You may continue.

FUCKmylife: Juliet's gonna have dinner with him coz her parents are all up in her grill 'bout it and I WANT TO DIE.

FUCKmylife: Ben?!

FUCKmylife: BEN! I WANT TO DIE.

FUCKmylife: I

FUCKmylife: WANT

FUCKmylife: TO

FUCKmylife: DIE!

TimeLordBen: There is no need for such hysteria if I do not reply in under a minute!

FUCKmylife: YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME!

TimeLordBen: I was busy and you are repetitive.

FUCKmylife: Oh, your friend's life is not as important as necking your boif?!

TimeLordBen: ...Pretty much.

Romeo and Mercutio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: MERKKKKKKKKKK! STOP SNOGGING BEN AND HELP ME!

MerkyMerk: Look, you got yourself into this mess.

FUCKmylife: A fine show of sympathy and love from my SO-CALLED FRIENDS!

MerkyMerk: Owch, unfriended on facebook. Now I'm really cut up on your behalf. My god, your pain is infectious. I am so mortally wounded I can barely type my incredibly sarcastic remarks!

FUCKmylife: YOU'LL REGRET THIS WHEN I JUMP!

MerkyMerk: Stop being melodramatic and get off the diving board.

Romeo and Benvolio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: I am cursed! As if this betrayal wasn't enough, the parents are on ma case!

TimeLordBen: That has failed to modify your behaviour even slightly thus far; why start now?

FUCKmylife: THEY'RE THREATENING A PRIVATE DETECTIVE!

TimeLordBen: That seems a wholly reasonable course of action to me. You have absconded with their car, refused to tell them where you are, illegally entered into wedlock and, one assumes, had underage sex with a girl you met over the internet.

FUCKmylife: IT'S NOT HER FAULT! IT'S THE WORLD! WE ARE DOOOOOMED TO BE THE TRUE LOVERS IN A WORLD OF VICIOUS SNIPES!

TimeLordBen: I was given to understand that she'd "betrayed" you by having dinner with Paris?

FUCKmylife: NEVER! SHE NEVER BETRAYS ME. SHE IS PERFECT AND I AM UNWORTHY!

TimeLordBen: I do not fully appreciate how these statements may be reconciled.

FUCKmylife: The blame lies with her parents! They forced her into it! Just like mine would force me! WE ARE AGAINST THE WORLD.

TimeLordBen: Do let me know when you're willing to resume rational thought processes.

Romeo and Mercutio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: What's the use?! CAN ANYONE BEAT THE WORLD?

MerkyMerk: No.

FUCKmylife: BUT I MUST! FOR HER! WHY ARE WE SO LOATHED AND DESPISED AND DIVIDED BY FOOLS WHO DO NOT AND CANNOT EVER UNDERSTAND! WE ALONE ARE THE [text missing].

MerkyMerk: Didn't get all of that.

FUCKmylife: I can send again?

MerkyMerk: Don't bother.

MerkyMerk's device is now offline.

Romeo and Benvolio's Text Conversation:

FUCKmylife: Why does no one ever understand, Benny?! Why won't they listen? Why must I be forever alone in a pair?!

TimeLordBen: I fear, dear boy, that it is largely due to your proclivity for spouting singularly soulless drivel.

TimeLordBen's device is now offline.


Benvolio's email inbox:

From: Tybalt. Subject: You can guess...

Greetings.

I can appreciate why you don't want to talk to me or hear from me or whatever; I've been a jackass. I might even have been a mildew-afflicted cur and pox-ridden gall bladder or any other botched insult you may care to name; can probs come up with a better one. I shouldn't have presumed to treat you like a prize or allowed jealousy to lost me a friend. Because, I, um, thought of you as a friend.

Bit weird, right?

I would really like it if we could talk? Even contempt's kinda better than nought. Well, I reserve the right to change my mind 'bout that. Hah. Joke.

Regards and all that,

Tybalt.


Tybalt's iPhone:

UncleCap: Tybalt! My daughter is being a complete COW! Paris will be there later this evening and I NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHE'S UP TO. I need your help, dear nephew.

TyberTyberBurningBright: You want me to hack her PC?

UncleCap: Essentially, yes. Work out what those two morons are planning.

TyberTyberBurningBright: Well, I do charge commission...

UncleCap: You'd better be joking, boy.

TyberTyberBurningBright: Yeah.


Juliet's Father's Inbox:

From: Tybalt. Subject: Drivel.

Find attached the chatbox files you'll need.

Next time, try and make it a challenge.

Attachments: Chatbox File 4451.9; Private Message #2453; Email Ref PL:345#89992.

Items successfully downloaded!


Chatbox File 4451.9:

Hubby: Right bbz, I got a plan! I can take out all my money during the day then we run!

Wifey: Where to, sweetie-tootie-puppy-love? 3

Hubby: Anywhere, my darling! ANYWHERE IS HOME WHEN YOU ARE THERE BESIIIIIDE ME.

Wifey: YOU SAY THE SWEETEST THINGS!

Hubby: 3

Wifey: So we ditch the parents just before I go to meet Paris and I run through the side alley- what's it called again poochie-gorgeous-one?!

Hubby: Wren Nook, my honey-apple-sunshine! XXXXXxxxxXXX

Wifey: Then you meet me at the church?

Hubby: Yes, Lovey!

Wifey: You're a genius Bbz! Then we run out the back and drive away in your car! 333333333

Hubby: Nobody can stop us! 3


Private Message #2453:

Hubby: Look hun, I drew a map! BTW, it's not Wren Nook but Wren Cranny, I meant.

Wifey: I SHALL KEEP IT FOREVER! You could be an architect! With this map to guide me, the name of the road is totes irrelevant! I can just follow your red crayon line!

Hubby: OMGS I should totes be one! Then we can have our own special house all made for us!


Email Ref PL:345#89992:

Dear Sir,

We at Automobile Association Weekly are pleased to issue you with this limited edition James Bond Numberplate. You should receive it tomorrow morning, as specified, to be fitted to your car by midday at the latest.

Yours Sincerely,

Aaron Westbridge, Secretary.

Disclaimer: This is not a real numberplate. It should not be used on public roads. Under no circumstances will it be classed as valid car identification. It may also make you look a right pillock. The AAW accepts no responsibility for any of the above.


Real World:

"So, how many missed calls is that now?"

"Five."

"If he makes it six, he's creepy." Mercutio smirked across at Ben, whose phone promptly began to ring once more. "So, he's creepy."

"So it seems." Ben muttered, finally accepting the call. He didn't notice the slight frown line between Mercutio's eyes as he refrained from commenting.

"Eyes on the road, eyes on the road..." He whispered, more to distract himself from an absurd degree of annoyance and jealousy which would almost definitely not be considered attractive.

"Ben?" The voice stuttered slightly and whether that was due entirely to the line was not immediately clear.

"Tybalt, I won't tell you again. Stop phoning me."

"I just want to talk?" It sounded like a question. Quite a turn up for the books, Ben's mind remarked. "Really! Can't we talk?"

"I'm busy."

"Doing what?"

"I'm busy." Ben repeated, irritation peaking.

Tybalt's voice took on another quality entirely. "Is he making you say that?"

"What?" Ben took a moment to digest this absurd suggestion. "No. My boyfriend did not make any attempt to stop me talking to you, which I appreciate immeasurably."

Mercutio's smile became downright smug and Ben squeezed his shoulder briefly. Haha, supportive. He could totally do supportive. Definitely. He would beat foundations in supportiveness competitions, in fact. If supportiveness were to be a level in Mario...

"But he's there."

"Why does that matter?" Ben snapped down the phone. "It is not your concern."

"Maybe I will make it my concern."

Mercutio pulled into a slower lane and shot a sideways glance at his friend. Both waited.

"Maybe I'll duel him for real!"

A raised eyebrow was the dark-haired boy's only response and he returned his gaze to the road.

"Listen! He didn't even accept my challenge! HE CAN HEAR ME! I'LL DUEL YOU!"

Benvolio didn't hesitate. A swift jab with his thumb and the line was cut. A few more and all calls were diverted.

"No you f!*#ing won't."

Had he not been forced to focus on driving, his companion would have been tempted to fall into a melodramatic faint. As it was, Mercutio settled for theatrical mouth-gaping and widened eyes.

Ben had snapped.

The world must be in serious jeopardy.


Instant Messaging: UncleCapulet and Tybalt

Ty: Uncle, I have located the church little cousin referred to. Sending you the map now. Also a pic of the new 007 number plate being fitted to a car in the car park.

Files sent!

UC: Splendid work my boy!

Ty: You won't like what else I've got, tho.

UC: Explain.

Ty: A marriage certificate. Of sorts.

UC: You can't be serious.

Ty: I'm afraid I am.

UC: I'm on my way. Should anyone ask, this is a business trip.

Ty: When really, of course, it's a killing spree.

UC: Too F #*ing right.

Both participants are now offline.