We all think authors do self-inserts and then relationships with the TMNT go so smoothly and perfectly. So, here's what happens when I'm paired up with a Turtle. I can be moody, possessive, jealous, and strict. :(

I am married to a Donatello, and all of this has happened to me during our current eight year marriage. I have many more stories but not enough time or memory to really document them, hehe. This is for the challenge I presented on SS and is a self-insert parody.


Log Date 1:

I am in a relationship with a monster.

"Why are you dating a mutant turtle?" Mother asked, warily glancing at my boyfriend.

The mutant turtle part has nothing to do with him being a monster, of course.

I smiled and tenderly grabbed his puffy green hand. "He gracefully answered my ad and then it clicked."

Actually, we chatted online for about five months and when I wanted to push our relationship further, we beat around the bush until we dug a trench. It was the funniest thing. We explained theories and situations regarding feelings, flirting with scientific data and the human psyche until I got confused and just asked, "Do you like me?"

"Does a bear shit in the woods?"

I got all kiddy and cute and the butterflies tickled in my belly. I started typing up all kinds of gushy things, but then he chirped:

"Sorry, wrong window! Yes. You're very nice. Would you like to meet up for coffee?"

Two out of five butterflies isn't bad.

Meeting Donatello at the local coffee shop was a blend of endearing and singular. He brought a stack of magazines and two books, and he read his favorite articles to me. He never touched his coffee or muffin. I asked if I could have his muffin, and he split it with me.

Donatello continued reading, and then he forgot his coffee went brick cold. His face squished in disgust and he dashed to the front counter. I barely saw him move. Must be that ninja thing that runs in his family. For the next three hours, we babbled about forensics, politics, World War II, and the mating habits of kangaroos. He was a gentleman and walked me home. At one point in the journey, I lost him because he stopped at a yard sale. I saw a retro Rainbow Brite doll and scored it for two dollars.

During the fifth date, we were riding a cab home from the cinema when he reached down to kiss me; I reached up for him but I smooched his chin and he smooched my nose. The cab driver was watching us and then gave pointers to Donatello. He wasn't amused and looked out the window like a sourpuss.

Back to my mother. I wanted Donatello to meet her. Well, not really because my family embarrasses me, but it was only fair since I met his family. His family grilled me until I had no brain cells and then passively-aggressively mentioned that I probably wouldn't see him after the love bug stopped biting. Donatello laughed and shrugged and then started rough housing with his brothers. It was a very lovely evening I spent with his father rat. The shouts from the other rooms were blush-worthy. Being an only child, I didn't realize boys had such filthy mouths and that you could do odd things with your tongue on fleshy bits. When his father retired for the night, I found Donatello on his computer. I think he forgot I was there.

Log Date 8:

Mother cooked for us that night. Donatello barely said two words until Mother asked him about his hobbies and jobs and which GLEE member he liked most.

"I'm a jack of all trades, master of none except for researching and experimentation. I'm self employed and I don't watch much television, I'm afraid. Doesn't Vin Diesel star in that show?" He almost chomped into the chicken but stopped when he didn't like the smell.

Mother licked her fingers dry of chicken grease. "Heather's on her fifth child now, Mindy, and the social worker screamed at her."

The dog was under the table, and I heard her making weird noises. I was infuriated by Mother's news. "Why can't they just sew her up?"

Mother jabbered nonsense and wasn't paying attention to us. I found that Donatello was force feeding a chicken bone to the dog. The dog wouldn't eat it. I really tried hard not to rudely laugh. He kept pointing at the dog and wearing this incredibly dorky grin.

After dinner, we were in my old bedroom. He looked at my pictures on the wall and smiled. I had to finally say something.

"Wasn't I a cutie?" The dog passed by the door and was still coughing. "And please don't experiment on the family canine."

"I wasn't going to eat that food."

I dusted off a frame. "I want to see your baby pictures."

"I'm sure Sensei has a ton of them somewhere. Ask him next time."

Then I tried to make out with him on my old bed, and he said it would be rude and disrespectful. A complete turn-around from rejecting my mother's dinner and trying to kill the dog.

Log Date 13:

I bet you're wondering about our sex life?

Geeks are total horndogs, but they're like cats. Only when they want it. He also talks about kinky and weird fantasies online but when we're together, he never remembers saying them. I think he's just shy.

Log Date 18:

It's our six month anniversary and we're eating at Wendy's. He had a craving for a chicken club and baked potato. He also dips his fries into his Frostee.

Log Date 24:

I'm sitting at my computer and get a phone call. It's Don, but he's in my house. Why is he calling?

"Hello?" My voice full of confusion.

He whispers, "Don't eat the Lean Cuisine in the freezer. I just read there's a recall on it. Did you eat it yet?"

"Um, yeah. The other day. Why are you whispering? Where are you in the house?"

The phone moved. "Toilet. I wanted to tell you about the meal. Are you feeling okay?"

I blinked about five times and chuckled. "Yeah, yeah. But why did you CALL me? You could have waited until you got out."

And then the sweetest thing uttered from his lips, "I just wanted to check on you. I'll see you in a moment."

I truly think he has each of his brothers in him. I don't know whether that was a Raphael or Michelangelo moment.

Nah, it was just a Donatello moment through and through.

Log Date 31:

A year after our confession, relationship, and his move into my home. Here's a sneak peek into our favorite geek's love life.

While warm and caring, Donatello can be irresponsible and scatter brained. I take the good with the bad, but there's a truckload of bad. Dishes will stay in the sink or dishwasher, food packages and drink bottles are everywhere, he'll go a few days without a bath or sometimes brushing his teeth (the longest was three days on that one), and his brothers were right about the love bug dissolving. I get hugs and kisses daily, but sex is almost nonexistent now. He stays up most of the night on the computer and comes back to bed when I pretty much wake up.

Our house has almost been nuked or gassed in some form or fashion quite a few times. He put a huge antenna on the roof and the neighbors are raising a fuss about their electronic equipment buzzing and intermittently working. When we have our lovers' quarrels, he never responds to me and would rather read about airplane crashes in 1987 on Wikipedia.

I finally got the nerve to talk to his father about how I can deal with Donatello better. I admitted my shortcomings and mistakes in the confession; I'm certainly not perfect. By the next day, Donatello was back to his old self like when we first met. I wonder what happened?

Log Date 40:

I broke it off with Donatello after a year and a half. It was tough for the first two weeks, but we're talking online again. He just sent me an article link about Stalin and the comical supertank with four turrets on it. Stalin's underlings said that it wouldn't be able to turn, but Stalin said it just needed to go one direction.

Now Don yells, "STRAIGHT TO BERLIN!" Phoenix Wright style.

Not the best lover for me but a terrific friend.


Does your significant other remind you of a certain Turtle character?