Chapters: One Shot
Category: I Luv Halloween
Pairings: Hints of Devil Lad and Finch
POV: Devil Lad's
Warnings: None really. Read if you want to, no one's making you.
Summary: Devil Lad contemplates what being alone means, and how the human emotions fall along in line with its' meaning. Also, takes place in Hell if you care at all.
Dedication: This is made for 3D. Enjoy.
Oh God did I feel cold. I felt hurt. I felt…dead. I shifted over on the mattress. I already knew that my tears were the cause of the wetness I felt on my own pillow. I knew that it was my own sadness that was causing me to be so sick. I knew that it was my own mental standing that was currently forcing me to think of morbid thoughts. I knew that somewhere, deep down, I was dead.
There was no hiding it. It burned, oh did it burn. My skin refused to shiver though, and my senses seemed to be so dull, or at least becoming more dull then they had originally been. What was killing me?
What was making me so sad?
It couldn't have been the fact that I was alone in this home…No, it couldn't be that because I wasn't alone. Any time that I wanted, I could have anything that I wanted. I could simply whisk my hand, and within seconds, the thing that I wanted could be before me. I wasn't alone, here, in my home, there were countless bodies, countless objects that I could communicate with and make conversations to. I wasn't alone.
Rolling over, I gazed into the emptiness of my room. It was dark, and anyone else would not have been able to see anything through the darkness. But, since it was my room, and I had spent the last years in it, I knew it very well. I did not need a light to be shinning anywhere throughout the room, or even the halls of my castle. I imagine the image of a small calendar in the corner wall of my room, the date of October 31st not only highlighted, but also circled many times. My body rose, and my feet were soon dragging me across the messy place that was my own room.
In another few seconds, my forehead was leaning against the calendar. Only one more day would pass, and I would be able to go to the human world. I would be able to have something that I wanted. I always got what I wanted. My eyes slid closed, and I imagined the cold wall that my head was pressed against to be warmer and kinder to me. Like the soft flesh of a mortal with orange hair and a red scarf. "I'm not alone." I whispered out.
Somewhere in my black heart I could hear the low thump of a beat. I could imagine two if I wanted to, and make that second one belong to that of the mortal called Finch. I could do that.
I wasn't alone though.
I did not need to think that Finch was here with me. I did not need to feel a false sense of trust and enjoyment. Often, when one tolerates the actions, no matter how horrid or happy they tend to be, they call it love. They, as in mortals, they know what emotions are that drive them to do such silly things. No matter how one of them would treat another, they would look back and claim that the feeling that made them tolerate the other's actions was in fact, love.
I'm not alone. I never was.
Surrounded by so many people, damned bodies of soulless shells. It was the living that were capable of feeling such things. I had a beating heart, but it lacked to want to beat without such cares or thoughts. My mind raced, and does so now, with the curiosity of what it would really be like to love someone or something so dearly that I would stand around and allow that creature to not only use me, but to learn to love me as well. To be tortured and happy at the same time.
Was it the fact that I negatively thought that what humans' called a "relationship" was exactly just that, a sick means of forcing yourself to believe in a sort of emotion that one could barely even understand to be real? Something that they would conceive as something that was not actually there, but they forced themselves to believe it anyway? Could it be that there was no real feeling of love, but rather the combination of every single other emotion people felt all pulled into one? Was it true that when all of those combined emotions were suddenly over powered by one another, that it would become unstable and explode? Could it be that maybe that was the cause of their downfall? An understated and un- comprehendible understanding of how to keep a balanced emotional system?
Somewhere in the last few ideas that cross my mind, I understand that I contradict myself on more then one occasion. Not only in my thought process, but also in what I force myself to believe. Such is the contradiction that I come to realize, is that I'm not alone, and I repeat it to myself, even as hot tears run down my face, I always repeat it to myself.
I'm not alone. I'm not by myself, and I do not feel love. I do not feel anything, and that's why nothing hurts me.
And once more, my eyes slid open, and I find my way back to my bed. I lay down, and I will eventually fall into sleep. I will also wake up, thinking that I enjoyed my sleep, and that I was happy, and that I was and am not, alone.
-TheLust of Killing
"I'm now fully aware that I have lost not only someone I loved, but myself along with that person."