Blaine could kind of get used to Kurt looking up at him instead of down just a tiny bit. He decided that was the reason that he was still clinging to the basketball backboard, not the fact that he could still see Sue Sylvester.

"I am impressed, Blaine. Eleven feet vertically, fourteen feet horizontally."

"She's not gone yet."

"No, I'm not. And you'd better get down before the weekly trimming of your eyebrows to make steel wool pads."

"What?" Blaine figured that he'd just hit a note that Kurt couldn't. That most operatic sopranos couldn't.

"You can't stay up there forever, hobbit." Sue thoughtfully hefted a basketball. Except she wasn't holding it the way you usually hold a basketba-. It was a bowling ball. "We're going to have our talk about safe sex."

"Do you promise just to talk?"

"Provided that you listen intently and agree to do everything that I say without question."

Kurt signaled to Blaine to agree.

"All right, I'm coming down."

He dropped down, wincing as the backboard exploded into splinters. "Just in case you were thinking that I couldn't throw a bowling ball. Now, I'm going to talk down to you since you aren't even tall enough to fit on the rack I use to stretch the Cheerios who have potential but don't meet my exact height requirements.

"Safe sex means sex that won't make me dismember you in hideous ways.

"That means, no pushing my sweet Porcelain into anything that he doesn't want. Don't interrupt me. The last person who tried to interrupt me is still folded somewhere in the school Xerox machine.

"That also means that you do not get Porcelain pregnant. Don't interrupt me.

"If you ever make Porcelain cry, for every tear, I will extract an organ of my choosing. And it's no good trying to cover it with your hands."

Sue stalked off happily.

"Blaine? Say something? Blink? Inhale?" Blaine thought it was pretty darned annoying that Kurt sounded worried.

"Hey, what's up?" Puck strolled into the gym.

"Sue just happened to him."

"Dude, I'd say you get used to her, but you don't."

Blaine's breathing slowly returned to normal, at least in terms of inhale then exhale. In speed, depth, and just about everything else, it was still abnormal.

He was going to ask why Kurt wasn't scared of her. Was it kind of like the way that clownfish hang around anemones and don't get stung? Was there some kind of Sue-antidote in his skin care products? There was plenty of everything else, he'd noticed. But then he decided that he really, really, really didn't want to know.

He heard a last sound coming from the hallway. "And if you ever conspire with William to convert him to the evils of hair gel, you will understand the meaning of Suemageddon."


Thanks to an amazing LJ prompt: After his first meeting with 'the enema woman', Blaine becomes terrified of her. Even after moving to McKinley with Kurt, he develops a habit of ducking behind people/leaping into the closet whenever she stalks by. Of course Sue notices, and happily increases his terror by threatening him in new and exciting ways if he so much as thinks about getting her Porcelain pregnant.

Kurt, for his part, just rolls his eyes and sighs. Blaine finds his complete lack of fear unbelievably brave, and wonders what he did to get in the woman's good graces (then decides he doesn't want to know).

Hair jokes and Hobbit jokes are a must.