This is a product of me being bored today. And the fact that I'm currently held up downstairs because my older brother and I are the only ones home and there's a wasp in my room and he won't kill it for me. I've seriously been chilling down here since about 4. What's the point of having an older brother if he won't kill bugs for you? (not that I'm scared of all bugs. Just wasps and bees ICK!) So I got bored and have been sitting listening to all different kinds of music (over the course of the day I've migrated from John Mayer to Glee to the Dixie Chicks, which is weird because I don't even like country, and hit about everything in between) but I was listening to the song "The Freshmen" by The Verve Pipe and this idea sprang into my mind. Doesn't really follow the plot of the song, it's more just inspired by it, instead of based off of it. Split into two parts. Because ever story has two sides!
I hope you enjoy it! Please review! =)
"I can't be held responsible
'Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place"
-"The Freshmen" The Verve Pipe
He didn't love me. All I ever wanted was for him to love me. Is that so hard to ask for? So difficult a task?
He's been my best friend since we were both four years old. It wasn't something I could fight, my feelings for him. They grew out of nowhere, blooming over time. It was almost like they had always been there, lurking behind the facade of friendship.
I can't even look at him anymore. It's awkward, and I know he wants to say something, to try and mend our friendship, but hearing his voice directed at me hurts too much because it'll never tell me the things I want to hear.
I'm losing him because he didn't even fucking care that I love him. He didn't even try to reciprocate. Didn't even try and look to see if his feelings for me could me more than those of a friend. I hate him for that.
I hate him for not loving me back. It's horrible, but that's the truth. How you can hate and love someone at the same time? I don't know, but I do. It's confusing as hell. Half the time I want to run up and kiss him senseless and the other half I want to punch his face in.
At least the other guys understand that Kendall and I can't be around each other right now. I don't think I've been more thankful for anything in my life than when Carlos offered to room with Kendall until we got things sorted out. Not that James is a very fun roommate, but then again, after living with Kendall for about a year, I might be horribly biased.
I miss hanging out with him. I miss having the pointless conversations we used to have for absolutely no reason. I miss just being together, with his arm thrown casually around my shoulder. A touch I grew to convince myself meant something more.
For some odd reason, Camille has been the best friend I've had through all of this. She was the one that helped me right after Kendall rejected me. Got me standing again, kept me out of harms way. I honestly don't know what I would have done without that girl. Really odd, because we dated and I though she'd hate me when she found out I was gay, but strangely enough the opposite was true. I would never understand girls.
Kendall would understand me perfectly though. He's always understood me. I couldn't help but fall for him. Who wouldn't? It's impossible to think that I ever had a choice.
I can't be held responsible.
Everyone's acting like it's my fault. Like I purposely broke my best friend's heart. To hell with them. I really don't need Camille in my life anyway. Her hating and yelling random insults at me when I walk through the lobby won't change my life in the slightest. She's just bitter because Logan doesn't bat for her team.
For the life of me I don't even know where this cam from. When he said he loved me it was seriously the last thing I thought would come out of his mouth. I was shocked, he was waiting. What was I supposed to do? Lie? That would only hurt him more.
But sometime the truth hurts just as much.
It's not like I can make myself love someone. Life doesn't work like that. Is it my fault that I don't see Logan as anything more than a friend? Is it my fault that I don't find guys the least bit attractive? I don't think so. I am who I am and I definitely can't change that.
I want to make Logan happy. Hell, I want to make everyone happy. I just can't do that this time. I can't pretend to love him when I don't. I can't be who he wants me to be.
Does that make me a horrible person? Because I sure do feel like one. Logan wouldn't even look at me anymore; every time I try and talk to him he runs out of the room so fast you'd think I had a contagious disease. The look in his eyes is killing me! He's not even trying to hide the pain, which is evidence too just how much he's got to be hurting.
I really can't be held responsible for this. At least, I don't think I can. Did I give him the wrong signals? Did I lead him on? I feel like an asshole and I don't even know what I did.
Scratch that, I know what I did. I didn't fall for my best friend. And now Logan hates me.
I'm at least trying to fix things. Trying to get him to talk to me again. He seems content to ignore me for the rest of our lives. Doesn't he know that I need my best friend? I'm sorry that I can't be who he wants me to be, I really am, but does the fact that I'm not have to ruin everything?
We had it good. Life was just taking off. And now everything is so fucking confusing that I don't even know what to say or do. Can't things go back to normal? Back to a time when Logan wasn't heartbroken and he was just my nerdy little best friend, and not the best friend who was in love with me?
I can't deal with this. This isn't how it's supposed to happen. I can't live without Logan, but it doesn't seem like I'll be able to keep him either. All because I can't freaking fall for him. I'm trying. Trying to open my mind up to the possibility, but it's not working. I don't like guys and that doesn't seem to be changing anytime soon.
What can I say? Sorry can't even describe what I'm feeling. I feel guilty. I caused my best friend the worst pain I ever could and can't even fix it now that it's done. I'm horrible, but it's not my fault. It can't be my fault.
I can't be held responsible.
This is the shortest thing I've written in awhile. I can't even judge if I like it or not because I wrote it in like half an hour and I'm still unsure. Tell me? XD Check out the song though, you won't regret it! and please review! =)