First Time


Summary: Spencer takes up Toby's offer in 1x19.

She'd learned the art of sneaking out from Alison, and for a moment, Spencer experienced a pang of grief for the beautiful girl. Manipulative, cruel, vindictive she may have been, but Alison had been a good friend at the same time. She'd helped Spencer find a little bit of identity away from her family and it was enough to make Spencer love her forever.

The police had finally left. Melissa and Ian had retreated to the barn that Spencer knew she would now never move into, even if she had the opportunity. Her parents were in their room, still awake, discussing her. The feeling of it all had pressed down upon Spencer until she couldn't breathe anymore and had thrown open the window, scratching her hands as she shimmied down the wall and landed on the grass below her window. Loping quietly across the lawn, she reached her car and drove away from the Hastings household without turning on her headlamps. Those only became lit when she was sure she had escaped without notice.

She drove too fast, and the rational side of her brain was screaming danger, but Spencer was too upset to wait. She hadn't even considered going to Emily or Aria or Hanna. They wouldn't understand. There was only one person in Rosewood that would.

Toby opened the door after a few seconds of her banging. He was dressed in the pyjama bottoms from the night before, and his eyes were struggling to stay open. The bed behind him was crumpled from where he'd been asleep upon it only a few moments earlier.

"Spencer?" he squinted at her through the darkness, holding the door open. She rushed past him into the room, feeling safer once she was inside, away from prying eyes. Toby closed the door and turned to face her. She pressed her face into his shoulder, her arms around his waist.

Toby was warm from sleep and he smelt comforting. His arms came up to hold her hesitantly, unsure of how to act but he relaxed almost immediately, tenderly stroking her hair. Spencer felt as though she'd been running a race and tried her best to suppress her sobs, failing to completely mask her heavy breathing.

"What happened?" Toby asked after a moment. His voice was alive with concern and no longer held the sleepy quality of a minute before.

"The police were at my house," Spencer whispered, not wanting to disturb the dark peacefulness of the room. "I think they think … that I … that I was involved. With what happened to Alison."

Toby's arms stiffened momentarily. "What? But that's crazy!"

Spencer couldn't hold back a single sob of relief. "I'm so glad you believe that," she said, more into his skin than anything else, and felt a shiver run down his body. The atmosphere in the room changed a little. Spencer was intensely aware that his bare chest was pressed against her own which was still covered by Toby's shirt. The intimacy of it made the hairs on the back of Spencer's neck stand away from her skin.

"Why would they think that?" asked Toby, unaware of the direction of Spencer's thoughts.

"I lied to them about something," Spencer admitted, trying to concentrate on Toby's words instead of the way his chest vibrated slightly when he spoke.

"Big deal. People lie to the cops all the time." He sounded slightly calmer now. "They're probably just trying to look as though they're doing something. Don't let them get to you, Spencer."

He tightened his embrace for a moment, and Spencer's breath caught. Her fingertips slid across his lower back, tracing his spine, and Toby froze. Spencer gathered all of her courage and pressed her lips against his shoulder. Toby shuddered and took a step back. Spencer flushed with embarrassment and rejection, glad the room was dark as it hid her blush, and began thinking of an excuse to run.

"Spencer –"

"It's ok," Spencer stammered, interrupting Toby. "I get it. I'm sorry, I'll just –" she tried to step around him to the door, but Toby followed her, blocking her path. His hands came up and landed on her shoulders, his touch firm but somehow tender at the same time.

"You just surprised me," he soothed. He was smiling, she could hear it in his voice. Her blush began to die down.

"So you do like me?" she asked tentatively, needing clarification just on the off chance that she'd misinterpreted the kiss from earlier and his words just now.

She felt Toby's hand tighten on her shoulders, and then his nose brushed against hers. The dark hid him from her, leaving her to rely on her other senses. She could feel his breath across her cheek, the warmth of his body seeping into her hers, and then his lips touched hers. It was slow, gentle, but Spencer had experienced that already and wanted more even as Toby pulled back.

Her hands crept up his chest, feeling his muscles quiver under her touch. She was blushing again but forced her embarrassment aside, determined to explore both his body and her own curiosity. His skin was soft and hot. She could feel the blood pumping beneath it, a steady beat that stopped her hands from trembling.

"Spencer," Toby whispered, his voice sounding slightly shaky. Deciding to take that as a sign of encouragement, Spencer stepped closer, their bodies pressed together once more. Toby's hands slipped down her arms, leaving trails of electricity in their wake, and coming to rest on her waist. Their foreheads touched, and Spencer closed her eyes, not that it made a lot of difference. It was all the same darkness.

They kissed again, differently. Spencer was demanding something and she felt Toby give a sigh of acquiescence before giving in. Suddenly, he was clinging to her, holding her closer than before if that were even possible, and his kiss was full of fire and passion that Spencer could easily match. Her fingers tangled into his hair, marvelling at the softness of it even as she tugged on it almost brutally, holding him in place against her.

All too quickly, Spencer was breathless. She gasped into Toby's mouth, feeling lightheaded and dizzy. Her heart was beating faster than she could ever remember and her knees had given out long ago; it was Toby's arms around her that were keeping her upright. He stopped kissing her abruptly, ripping his mouth away and gasping for air as she was and they stood that way in silence for a minute as they caught their breath.

"Wow," said Spencer, practically giggling. "That was …"

"Intense," Toby supplied.

"Yeah," Spencer nodded in agreement, her forehead leaning forward until it met Toby's once again. She couldn't stop smiling and twirled some of his hair between her fingers, revelling in being this close to Toby and comfortable in touching him. His hands stroked her waist gently. Her shirt had ridden up slightly and when his fingers touched her bare skin, Spencer gasped. Toby paused, and for one heartbreaking moment, Spencer thought he would pull back and tightened her hold on him.

Maybe it was for that reason that his fingers slipped under her shirt, gliding over the skin at the base of her spine. Spencer trembled under his touch and kissed him again, with less violence but no less desire, for it was desire she could feel pulsing through her veins, making every nerve ending tingle. She'd never felt anything quite so strong taking control of her body, and hoped Toby was feeling the same.

His hands left her side, coming up to cup her face tenderly as he kissed her cheek, her jaw, down her neck to her collarbone where his tongue darted out, making her tremor. No one had ever kissed her in such a way before and a very big part of her never wanted Toby to stop.

However, he did, kissing her gently one last time, before taking a small step back, separating their bodies just a little. "We should stop," he said huskily. "Before this goes too far."

Too far … Images formed in Spencer's brain of the bed they'd already slept in holding their contorting, sweaty bodies as Toby made her feel things she'd only read about. Spencer's breath caught. Suddenly, she realised that was exactly what she wanted; what she'd come here for. She wanted Toby to love her.

Before she could second guess her actions, she pulled the shirt she wore up, over her head, and dropped it to the floor, hearing an intake of breath. Standing further apart, she was able to see more of Toby. His eyes were wide and his mouth slightly open in surprise as he stared at her. She wondered what she looked like in the almost-darkness, and felt pinpricks of insecurity. She was too skinny, too flat-chested, too young to be attractive, and her arms came up to cover what little she could.

"Why did you do that?" asked Toby, his voice catching in his throat. He was standing eerily still, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

"I wanted …" Spencer cleared her throat awkwardly, not used to feeling so exposed and vulnerable. "It doesn't matter. I know I'm not …"

"Not what?" asked Toby quickly. He sounded strange, but Spencer couldn't put her finger on what it was that was off.

"Not … sexy," Spencer said, blood rushing to her cheeks as she turned her head so she wouldn't have to look at the outline of Toby in front of her. Long fingers closed around her chin, pulling her face back round so that Toby's mouth could crash into hers, telling her in the strongest way possible just how attracted to her he was.

He was frenzied once again, clutching at Spencer as though she were his only lifeline, trying to communicate how close he was to losing control, something he didn't want to do no matter how tempted he was. Spencer was all too happy for him to lose control and resumed her exploration of his body, mimicking his earlier actions as she kissed his neck, even nibbling on it and receiving a groan from Toby in response. Smiling, she repeated the action, and Toby backed off for the third time.

"Spencer, we can't," he said, panting but also sounding much more assured in his conviction.

"But I want you," Spencer argued back, trying to kiss him again. Toby fended her off with practiced expertise.

"And I want you, more than you can imagine, but you'll hate me in the morning."

"No, I won't," said Spencer firmly, and Toby chuckled at her determination. He stroked her cheek affectionately.

"You're right, you won't," he agreed, and she realised he meant because nothing more was going to happen.

"Toby –"

"Even if I thought this was a good idea, we couldn't, Spencer. I don't have any protection," Toby informed her calmly. He had made peace with what would not happen, and was now merely waiting for Spencer to do the same.

Spencer's shoulders slumped with defeat. She turned away from Toby, embarrassed beyond anything she'd experienced that night, and folded her arms across her chest. Toby bent and picked up the shirt she'd discarded and walked round to face her. He patiently placed the shirt over her head, guiding her arms through the sleeves, and then gathered Spencer into his arms in a warm embrace.

"Why isn't this a good idea?" Spencer mumbled into his chest, refusing to hug him back but content to be held.

"You came here to be comforted. Anything more would be me taking advantage," Toby explained. Spencer snorted with derision.

"Sex can be comforting," she argued back.

"Not your first time," Toby told her with what sounded like regret in his tone. Spencer had no reply for that. She'd never bought into the myth about sex having to be special. She had the brain of a scientist. Sex was for reproduction. It wasn't as sacred as everyone made it out to be, although she had a feeling that with Toby it could be the special, magical night that people described.

And why couldn't that night be tonight?

"What if the police come for me tomorrow?" she asked, the fear irrational but no less real because of that. "What if I go to jail and I've never –?"

Toby laughed and she stopped talking. "That is never going to happen, Spencer. Trust me."

And she did. Completely. Toby led her to the bed and they lay down with Spencer's head on Toby's chest and his arms around her. Spencer couldn't stop thinking about the police in her house, and for her, not Ian. She didn't feel safe there anymore, and remembered that Toby felt the exact same way. Why else had he checked into this motel?

"Can we stay here forever?" she asked, looking around the darkened room. She could easily live here, she lied to herself.

Toby chuckled again. He didn't make any other reply, but Spencer didn't really want him to.

"You make me feel safe," she told him quietly. "I don't know how, but you do. That's why I came here. I knew you'd understand how I felt, and you'd make me feel safe again. I haven't felt safe for so long …" she trailed off, unaware of what her words had done.

Tears were forming in Toby's eyes. He was so used to scaring people, to making children cry and adults tremble, that he'd forgotten what it was like to be needed. Spencer needed him. He could hear it in her voice, feel it in the way she lay beside him. She needed him to make her feel safe.

He rolled onto his side, surprising Spencer as he moved, and then he was kissing her. She didn't understand why, but she didn't argue, too happy to be touching him that way again to even contemplate argument. Yet again, the kiss was different. Spencer felt different. She knew, somehow, that Toby's objections had melted away. She knew this kiss was heading somewhere.

When Toby's fingers snaked under her shirt again, Spencer was the one to pull back, nervous. She looked into Toby's eyes, honest and open only a few millimetres from her own, barely visible in the dark.

"We don't have protection," she reminded him sadly.

Toby smiled a little. "I lied," he said, and kissed Spencer again before she could be angry. Anything that might have been rage was quickly diverted into want, and she helped Toby remove her shirt, trying not to shiver in the cool night air. Toby's hands burned as he caressed her, and then he was lying half on top of her, their bare skin searing where it touched.

Spencer had never felt so precious, so worshipped, so loved as she did then. Toby's touch was so reverent it almost made her cry, and gentle even when she could see the lustful flames in his eyes. His sole focus was her, making her feel nothing but good. She had no room for embarrassment now as she lay naked beneath him, admiring him as he did her. She couldn't experience any insecurity, not when he was looking at her the way he did, with adoration beyond all else. It was almost enough to block out the inevitable pain, but even that seemed to come from far away. An ache rather than something sharp, nagging at her when she wanted it to leave her alone.

She didn't get time to analyse it. Toby didn't let her waste her energy on thinking; he swept her up in a torrent of emotion and feeling and Spencer wasn't even coherent when the storm calmed. The images she'd conjured earlier were nothing really, not now, not after, when Toby was so close she wasn't sure whether it was his back or hers that her hands rested upon.

Their breathing slowed, and the sweat on their skin began to dry, and Toby moved them both, careful not to hurt Spencer anymore, until they were lying as they had been earlier, her curled around him. Words weren't necessary. They would only ruin this beautiful moment, and Spencer understood why this night was important.

She wasn't sure if she slept, or merely lay there in a state of semi-consciousness, but the room was lighter when Toby next moved, letting out a sigh and turning his head in his sleep towards her. Spencer could finally make out his chiselled features. How had she ever mistaken this face to be that of a murderer's? If she could have gone back, to before, before Alison disappeared, before the Jenna thing, back to when he was just Toby Cavanaugh, Emily's new neighbour, she would have made the effort to see this beauty that she saw now. She would have talked to him, made him laugh, basked in his smile. All the time that they'd lost …

She shook herself from her poetic musings, accepting that the only thing she could change was the future, and that she'd done just that in this bed only a little while earlier, when she lost her virginity to Toby Cavanaugh. Thinking that shocked her a little. It was so contrary to everything she'd ever planned for herself in life, but that didn't really bother her. She'd never planned for Alison to disappear either, or the subsequent police investigation, or even what had happened to Jenna and Toby, but it had all happened and she had to make the best of it.

Although, that made it sound as though she were settling when it wasn't like that at all. Spencer could never settle for Toby. Gazing at him in the pink pre-dawn, he looked like first prize, something to be fought for. The strength of her gaze appeared to rouse him as his eyes flickered open and met hers. He smiled sleepily.

"Did you sleep?" he asked, and Spencer shrugged.

"I'm not really sure."

Toby stretched, his toes curling and his stomach flexing, revealing just how muscular he was. Something fluttered in Spencer's stomach.

"How do you feel?" Toby asked, looking at her with assessing eyes. They were no longer hidden in the dark. He could see her, clearly. All the emotion written across her face. Spencer took advantage of that, smiling widely.

"Different," she replied, "but in a good way."

Something akin to relief crossed Toby's face. Spencer leaned towards him and they kissed almost lazily. The taste of him was almost familiar, and Spencer was excited by that. Toby was also smiling when Spencer pulled back, in a way she'd never seen him do before. He looked happy.

The idea of leaving him physically hurt, but as the room grew brighter, Spencer knew she had no choice. With a sigh, she sat up, and paused. Her movement revealed an ache in her gut that she'd never felt before. She took a moment to adjust, before standing up, suddenly aware of her nakedness. Her arms wrapped around her chest and she fled into the bathroom, taking her clothes with her. She winced as she dressed, but it wasn't an unbearable pain, more of a twinge.

She emerged from the bathroom and paused. Toby was sitting up, head in his hands, the sheets pooling around his waist. Spencer felt sick all of a sudden. Was he already regretting the night before? Was he trying to think of an escape route? The suggestion alone made Spencer want to cry.

"Toby?" she queried, terrified of his response.

He looked up with a sad face. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he told her sincerely. "I tried not to." He looked away out of shame.

Spencer was instantly confused. "Hurt me? You didn't …"

Toby moved the sheets aside and Spencer saw they were stained red. Blood. Her blood. Oh. Toby's reaction made sense and she smiled with relief as she crossed to the bed and folded the sheet back over to hide the stains.

"I promise you I barely felt it," she told him, reaching from Toby's hand. He looked at her, his eyes penetrating, searching for a lie.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," Spencer smiled. She leaned down and kissed him quickly. "I have to go."

Toby nodded. He knew. While Spencer gathered her things, he located and put on his pyjama trousers and walked with her to her car, opening the door for her like a gentlemen. She climbed in gingerly, wary of sitting in a way that may hurt, although she was careful to hide the actions from Toby. He closed the door and she wound down the window, not wanting to say goodbye just yet.

"Will you call me later?" she asked, and Toby nodded.

"Everything's going to be fine," he told her, and Spencer nodded in agreement, smiling.

"I believe you."

Toby smiled, kissed her goodbye, and stepped back. He waited until she'd driven out of the parking lot before returning to his room.

Spencer drove much slower than she had the night before and sat in the car for several moments once parked outside her house. The curtains were still drawn. She had some time to reflect. The ache in between her legs was almost pleasurable when she thought of how it had occurred and what it meant. She was no longer a virgin. Honestly, she believed she could not have had a better first time than she had, and felt absolutely no regrets about the night before. Toby's belief that she would hate him had clearly been unfounded.

Finally, she climbed out of the car and let herself into the house. There was no way she could climb back up to her window. She crept up the stairs and reached her room without rousing anyone. She lay back on her bed, suddenly exhausted, and fell asleep almost instantly, still smiling.


NB: I don't know if I'll carry this one or not. Let me know what you think =]