So the idea for this one shot came to me when I got a letter in the mail, because, I LOVE GETTING MAIL. & so this one shot came to mind. Warning* Depressing.
This is based after the last Eli/Clare scene in Jesus etc part 2.
*Edit* Since a few of you requested it, I will be making this into a two-shot, explaining everything that went on. Thank you all for revewing(:
I walked outside, only to see an Eli Goldsworthy standing on my porch. I smiled a little, and said, "Eli. What are you doing here?"
He looked down, and, for a moment, I was terrified he was going to have another break down."I just wanted to give you this." He handed me an envelope, and I started to open it. But, I was immediately stopped by him. "Don't open it yet. Wait until later tonight. I love you, Clare." I smiled at him sadly, and he kissed my lips. It was a soft, sad kiss.
"I love you too, Eli." He walked away, not even bothering to look back at me sitting on my porch, hugging my knees to my chest, crying. Things weren't good with Eli and me, and I was afraid this letter was about him breaking up with me. I loved him, but I didn't know if that was enough. He had flaws, more than anyone could have ever imagined. He was erratic, he loved getting revenge, he could be ignorant, he had his hoarding issues, and he was overprotective. But, he was also sweet, he was loving, he was sarcastic, he was funny, and he was the one I loved.
I walked up to my room, ignoring my mother's screams from her bedroom. She was probably with her guy of the week, letting him pleasure her in whatever way possible. I rolled my eyes. She completely went against her own faith, and that made me want to call her a hypocrite. A few months ago, she had made a huge deal about Eli being an atheist, but now she went around sleeping with any guy she could get her hands on. She was pathetic.
With the thoughts of my mother on my mind, I had almost completely forgotten about my letter from Eli. I wanted to read it now, but I had told him I would wait until tonight.
After about 30 minutes, my curiosity got the better of me, so I opened the envelope. There were about three pages, filled with Eli's scratchy handwriting. There were also dried tears on the paper, which caused my heart to beat quickly. I just knew he was going to dump me.
This is hard for me to write. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to write, and that includes those killer essays for English. Clare. I love you. I love you more than anyone in the world. You understand my sadistic ways, and you accepted me with all of my insane problems. But I can't pretend anymore.
Clare, I can't go around and pretend to be happy. Am I happy I'm with you? Of course. But I'm not happy in general. When you lose someone you love, the pain, it takes over you. Suddenly, the life you lived before this one doesn't exist. The only thing that does exist is the pain that's in your new one.
You're the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. I couldn't have met you at a worse time, but you brought me up from that terrible place I was in. Suddenly, I wasn't always having these terrible thoughts, and, I was starting to become myself again.
That is, until Vegas Night. I know we don't really talk about it anymore, but that was the night everything changed again. I realized that I was about to die. And, even though Fitz didn't stab me, he still killed me. He killed the part of me that fought to be happy. When he pushed me against the wall, tormenting me with words, I thought "this is the end. This is my end. So, why aren't I happy? This is what I've always wanted, to leave the world and not ever have to look back." I didn't have any more time to think. I closed my eyes as he pulled back his arm, getting ready to plunge the knife into my stomach. When I didn't feel it go in, I looked up and noticed it in the wall.
But I didn't feel relief. Instead, I felt anger. Why couldn't he have just ended it? A minute ago, I didn't want to die, but, now that I was so close to death, I just wish it had come. Death would be the easy way out.
Ever since that night, I've been trying my best to be happy. And you helped a lot with that. Without you, happiness could not have even been an option. But there was always a voice in my head, letting me know that happiness was never obtainable for someone with a past as scarred as mine.
I stopped reading for a moment, letting my tears fall on the pages, next to his dried tears. I had no idea Eli felt this sad all of the time. Was I really that oblivious, or was he just amazing at hiding his emotions? I waited until my tears subsided a bit, before continuing.
I want to be happy with you, Clare. I really do. But it's not possible. I can't be happy. I've tried. Truly, I have. But it doesn't happen. Our first date was amazing. I'll never forget how close to happy you made me. But, that whole night I was thinking to myself, "Someone had to die so you could be happy." Thinking this, of course, doesn't exactly make one feel too happy.
Then, when Fitz came back, everything just seemed even worse. What little chance I had to be happy was gone. He was going to steal you away from me. He even told me so himself. He doesn't believe this whole 'finding God' thing. He's just doing that so you'll choose him over me.
Now, I know what you're probably thinking. You're probably wondering why I didn't tell you that he told me that. Well, because you wouldn't have believed me. Don't lie to yourself, Clare, you know you wouldn't have. You want to believe the best about people, even if that puts you in a bad situation.
You believed the best about me, and now look where that's got you. It's got you reading this letter. And this letter has a point, Clare. I swear to you it does. But I guess I'm just beating around the bush. I'm avoiding the point of it. I'm avoiding it because I'm terrified to write it. To write is to make it real.
Clare, when I gave you this letter, it was the last time you will ever see me. I can't try to be happy anymore. I know, I'm taking the easy way out, but I can't deal with all of the pain and suffering anymore. I'm sorry. I loved you. You know that right? I loved you. I still do love you, but that's part of the reason I'm doing this. You are having thoughts of leaving me. I know you are, don't lie to yourself. But, you're afraid. You're afraid that I would overact and do something drastic. Well, now you don't have to worry about leaving me. I took that weight right off your shoulders.
I'm leaving you, Clare, because I love you. Tell Adam I love him too, and that I'm sorry to leave him. I'm sorry to leave the both of you. But it's what needs to be done. I need to be gone to be happy.
My tears were falling so hard now. Eli was leaving this world. He was going to kill himself. I wanted him to find happiness, but not this way.
This is goodbye, Clare.
I was sobbing, holding my knees against my chest and soaking my t shirt. I knew, if I wanted to prevent Eli from leaving me, I would have to suck up all of this pain and run.
I ran to the Goldsworthy house, and ran straight up to Eli's room. He was lying on the floor, blood dripping everywhere. A scream escaped my lips, and I knelt down beside him, praying that he was alive. I quickly pulled out my cell phone, and dialed 911. "Hello? Yes, we need to send an ambulance to the Goldsworthy residence. It's urgent. Thank you." I pulled Eli into my arms, ignoring the fact that his blood was staining my plain white t shirt. "Eli, please don't be gone. You can't be gone. You can't leave me. Not like this." I was whispering, barely any sound escaping from my lips. I was terrified that I was going to lose him, my beautiful, loving, caring boyfriend. He was my amazingly talented English partner. He was my best friend.
I heard an ambulance outside, but I didn't move. I couldn't move. I had just felt his pulse. There was nothing.
Eli was gone.