Clyde's Declassified Guide to Picking Up Chicks

Welcome, gentlemen, aliens, superheroes, villains, inferior insects and newcomers alike! And ladies. In which case you should give me your number. Anyhow, I suppose you're here because you're experiencing a crucial issue in your life. Oh, don't worry, reader. I was like you once. Ignorant and unfortunate, never got to see the light of a lady's smile until I smoothly obtained a sexy pair o' Prada heels for her elegant feet. Those heels will clack on the very floor you worship her highness on. Cover those feet up with something nice.

I'm writing this guide for a plethora (I learned that word from Craig) of reasons. First of all, it all started when the Craig I mentioned prior to this sentence seemed to show symptoms of Chicklessitis. Blink and read again, that doesn't say "chicken tits." If you're not familiar with this disease, allow me to define it for you:

chick - less - i -tis: (noun) A disease in which the brain is incapable of talking to, seducing, and/or thinking about chicks. The name derives from the English term for "lack of chicks."

This disease is quite common in people like Craig. He also seems to have some sort of emotionless syndrome, but I haven't the degree to diagnose him with such things. However, I'm pretty sure he does because he didn't cry during Toy Story 3. What a jerk.

This guide is dedicated to him. When this gets published and awarded countless prizes, the press will be like, "Mr. Donovan, who is this Craig person?" And I'll be like, "Oh, he's my bro. Before my book, he didn't even know how to look at a chick right. Now he wakes up surrounded by them. Hollaaa!"

Every time I walk off stage I'll do the Nixon peace sign thing and say, "Hollaaa!" and it'll be my signature thing. It'll be on T-shirts and stuff. I expect you to buy them when the time comes, reader.

Not only is this dedicated to Craig, but also for the fellows out there who are in dire need of this guide. I'd be selfish to keep all this knowledge to myself, wouldn't I? I've been called selfish before, but I resent that. A lot. All I do is give! And I'm giving even more now! I am giving the sweet, invaluable gift of knowledge!

I go on the Internet a lot and see some things I shouldn't see. But, like, there was this one clip I saw, I can't remember what it's from, but it was in an Irish accent so I thought it sounded pretty snazzy. Anyway, there was this wise Irishman and he said, "There's only one thing ladies should be insertin' in themselves. And that's knowledge."

With great knowledge, comes great responsibility.

Wait, wasn't it power?

Knowledge is power!

... I'm getting my slogans mixed up.

But I'm still pretty sure knowledge is power. So, with the knowledge of Pickingupchicksism, you will be a whole new guy by the end of this guide.

Unless you're a girl. In which case you should still give me your number.