Tip 6: Honeys n' Hair

I don't know if many of you realize this - but your hair is the first thing a chick will notice about you. First thing. They don't go like, "Oh, yeah, it's that guy with the freckle next to his ear," or, "that guy with the funky front teeth," unless your front teeth are so funky that they distract from your hair, you should probably fix that (Craig). It's always like, that guy with the blond hair, that guy with the fluffy hair, the retro hair, the mullet, no hair, whatever. If you're bald, you can skip this chapter. And you can only pull off being bald if you're Bruce Willis. So if you're Bruce Willis, you can skip this chapter. But if you're Bruce Willis, I don't know why you would need help picking up chicks. If you're not Bruce Willis and you're bald you should probably consider sitting in a corner and waiting until your hair grows back so you can leave the house again.

Before I get started on the real hair tips for you guys, allow me to mention a few inspirational figures of hair in history:

1. Elvis Presley

All the hair that has ever existed came from his hair. We are his hair children. And our children will be his hair grandchildren. When he died, his hair particles nestled themselves into the earth and became part of the Circle of Life. He is our Mufasa. Next time you comb your hair, look in the sky. It's Elvis.

When he was performing, ladies didn't even have to throw their bras and panties on stage. His hair was like a magnet for that shit. He would just, like, be chillin' all like, "well SINCE MAH BABEH LEFT ME, well I FOUND a new place to DWELL, well it's down at the end of LONELY STREET AT heartBREAK hoTEL... well I'll be so LONELEH, BABEH I'll be so LONELEH, I'll be so LONELEH I could DIIIIEEE..." And all the chicks are like, "woOoOoOoOoO!" as their undergarments whizz off their bodies and onto Elvis' big hair. It's big because it's full of secrets. And then I don't know when Elvis is talking about, about being lonely, because he has all these panties now.

I was watching a video of Elvis performing Heartbreak Hotel and it was in this neat sepia filter. I guess in 1956, that was the only filter. But the screaming fangirls sounded exactly the same as today's screaming fangirls. I don't know what it is, I was assuming there might have been some period of evolution, maybe they'd develop more animal calls or sexy mating calls or, well, I don't know. Maybe the girls aren't actually there, like those canned laughs on sitcoms. They have canned girl screams. That's creepy. You think some guys get off to that?

2. Superman

Fact: The source of Superman's powers is his hair. Have you seen that shit? It never gets messed up. I know I said before that Lois Lane was a bimbo, because she is, but Superman's hair is like, unreal. He goes around whooping ass and saving lives and his hair is still fantastic. He has a supercurl. It just falls over his forehead, like a little wispy hook of justice. It also looks like he uses some punk-ass Kryptonian hair paste that probably smells divine.

I don't know if you could ever achieve his level of superhair, though. That shit deflects bullets, saves lives. Laser vision. In the hair. I don't know what that's called, because his hair can't see. Well, it probably can. He probably has an extra set of eyes in his superhair that can detect when dudes don't have cool hair, and then he saves them by giving them a sample of KryptoGel. Do you think I could market that? KryptoGel? Imagine the commercial. The slogan would be like, "KryptoGel. Because chicks dig justice." And it would just be a shot of all these girls surrounding me, caressing my hot bod and my hot superhair. I'm also in a Superman costume.

Anyway. I hope you aspire to be as perfect as those men. But not even I can live up to the Founding Fathers of Fabulous.

As for you: I've said this earlier in the guide, I know it, but LISTEN TO ME, OKAY, CHICKS DIG THE LONG HAIR. I don't wanna hear your complaints. Go get a buzzcut. I dare you. See how many ladies there will be at your doorstep. Oh, wait, I just checked. Zero. Sit in the corner and grow it out. You need to flip it. You need to tame it. You need to give them something to hold onto.

Have you seen the latest Ken doll? I'm talking Barbie here. Remember the old Ken? Short, sleek brown hair? Kinda gay? Ascot? Well, now he's Ellen DeGeneres. Flippy blond. That's what girls like nowadays. Don't think Justin Bieber. You know how I feel about Justin Bieber. Everyone wants to be Ellen. But not all of us are blond, so we have other options to turn to.

Tip 1 or A or something: Wash your hair all the time, bros. You don't wanna be "the guy with the greasy hair" because that's nasty. You might wanna go for that Old Spice or something, but trust me. Don't be afraid to use a little of that fruity shit. I was out of the manstuff once and I had to use my mom's Garnier Fructis. My hair was like, this voluminous fluff of love. And it smelled swell.

Tip 2 or B or something: Um. I didn't exactly plan out these tips very well, so I'm going to get right to the point - shave your balls. Girls like shaved balls. But don't shave too hard. Then it's R.I.P. Balls. And R.I.P. your future babies. What did I say about carrying on the legacy of Elvis Presley? Don't fuck up the Circle of Life by killing your balls. Shave them like you're shaving a balloon. A balloon full of unborn babies.

Tip 3 or C or something: Sometimes we get some crazy ideas and we want to dye our hair. Understandable. Once, I got my hair dyed without even knowing it. That's what frosting is. You think frosting goes on cake, but there's a whole new world, let me tell you. This one time I went to get a haircut because my hair was too shaggy, I was like Cousin It, okay. And then they told me that "frosting was half-off" and I was like, "Oh, I like cake frosting, and I like cheap cake frosting,"so what I said was, "yeah, let's do dat." And then we did dat and they started painting my hair. Painting it! I was like, "woah, gurl, what are you doin' to my hair." And she was like, "frosting it." I was the cake! I didn't even know it. So when the job was done, the ends of my hair were way blonder than before. And I looked hot. I strongly recommend frosting. Not only on your hair, but on your cake. If you have a plain cake you are a plain guy and you are not getting places.

Moral of the story is: be good to your honey, be good to your hair. Yeah.