Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas 2- Reeducation
Back in the city where Bayside High School is located, let's just call it Phoenix Arizona, Belding was feeling increasingly narcissistic, but also feeling an intense feeling of mistrust.
"Wherever you are, Zack Morris, I'll find you. Whatever tricks you're pulling wherever you are, you shall fail!" Belding let out an evil laugh. So he crawled down on the ground and sniffed all around like a bloodhound. He followed the scent trail out of Bayside and all across the school yard. He was wondering when he would find that handsome lech. He almost got run over two or three times since he was following the scent trail on the expressway.
"DUMBASS!" An angry driver shouted at him after narrowly avoiding decapitation of the principal. The driver gave him the finger. Belding continued his scent trail, oblivious to his surroundings. The harsh scent of Thunderpath hung heavily in the air. He followed it a fairly long way.
After a while, the scent trail led him to Las Vegas, where Zack married Kelly Kapowski. His scent trail led him to a strip club where there was an all male revue. Kelly was in the audience and Zack was up there doing whatever strippers do (how should I know? I've never been to a strip club). His jaw dropped straight to hell and then he vomited.
"Ow, ow, ow! My jaw is burning! Someone dial 9-1-1!" he shouted in a robotic kind of voice.
"Oh, what's my Belding robot doing here?" Screech sounded confused. He touched Belding's hand and found out it was flesh, not metal. "Oh, you're not my robot. Carry on." Belding's jaw was on fire and everyone had to evacuate the joint because of the smoke. An ambulance drove by to take him to the burn unit even though no one dialed 9-1-1.
"Oh my God, you're the mayor!" Belding greeted this short guy with a stocky build.
"Yes, but not for long. You see, I had let architects built a casino atop a catacomb and I believe it to be cursed based solely on paranoia and nothing else. Since I feel sorry for someone whose jaw literally dropped down to hell, I'd like you to become mayor in my place free of charge. Whaddaya say, dear?" Belding reveled in the idea of becoming mayor, possibly even the next Hitler. He narrowed his eyes and rubbed his hands together maliciously while laughing evilly. An archaeologist looking guy walked in on them.
"I was studying the catacomb and saw some kind of text that read 'red and yellow will make life more fun for every fellow.' What could it mean?"
"Shut up, I'm talking, and don't think too hard about it," the mayor snapped.
Zack and Kelly were riding the High Roller together atop the stratosphere building in Las Vegas, the same city that Belding followed the scent trail to. Remember that now. Zack was a ride warrior and Kelly, not so much. On their honeymoon, they had gone to Cedar Point and Zack wanted to ride Millennium Force, but Kelly didn't want to. Since they refused to stop holding hands, Zack was on it while holding Kelly's hand while the train was going. Kelly was dangling out of the coaster train, gripped tightly to Zack's hand. She was lucky she didn't hit anything. She won't normally ride things over 70 feet tall. This one was more like 50 feet. Above the roof, I mean, and that doesn't count as a scary ride, despite being atop a skyscraper.
When they got done with their little ride, they turned on the news. Apparently Belding, their old principal, is the new mayor of Las Vegas. His jaw was heavily bandaged from where it dropped down to hell.
"I don't believe it. What are the odds that our old principal from Bayside High would become mayor of Las Vegas?" Zack was astonished. Mayor Belding spoke.
"THE WORLD IS GONNA END SOON! I URGE EVERYONE TO REPENT, AND WHAT BETTER PLACE TO PREACH GOD'S WORD THAN LAS VEGAS, THE CITY OF SIN." He panicked, then spoke in a calmer voice. "I turned on TV and Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader was on. The craptard in the hot seat didn't know that Mexico was NOT a continent, and another thought three times 7 was 63. If the world keeps getting stupider and stupider, it's gonna end! Which is why, effective immediately, all high school graduates in the US will be required to submit to a reeducation program where they will have to go through grades K through 12 all over again to review. And since the economy sucks right now, budget cuts require us to use only our existing schools instead of building new ones. Also, the money that would have gone to finding cures for cancer, AIDS, ALS, progeria, and harlequin baby syndrome will instead be used to expand Bayside high school to accommodate all the reeducation students in the US. And all the males will have to get pregnant too to supply us with enough architects to build the school that will cover the whole universe except for a 300 mile radius around New York City." Zack was confuzzled, then he pointed a gun at the TV and pulled the trigger.
"I'd rather live without TV forever than endure hellish news stories and listen to Belding preach God's Word, cramming religion down our throats," Zack ranted. Kelly patted him on the back.
Back to Bayside they drove for their first day of reeducation (Zack had already given birth and his baby is working on Bayside right now). They were about to start kindergarten again. Zack was repulsed. Last time he started kindergarten he was excited. They finally made the 600 mile trek from Las Vegas to Phoenix Arizona. The kindergarten room was crowded as hell. Not only were there real kindergartners, but there was also the entire post-graduation U.S. population. They couldn't concentrate due to all the hammering and drilling going on. Construction on the new Bayside was going on DURING class. A piece of timber almost hit Zack.
"Today we are gonna learn how to count." the beautiful teacher said.
"What?" Zack said flatly. "I already know how to count. This is stupid."
"Excuse me, young man, but you know talking out of turn is prohibited. You go to time out now!" the teacher scolded. A young, pretty petite woman with red hair caught his eye. She was even prettier than Kelly. She was wearing a dark purple tank top, had such perfect pale skin, freckles on her face, and skinny jeans that showed off her cute butt. She had a thin, fit, healthy looking body that looked perfect to Zack. In fact, he was even tempted to divorce Kelly and marry her instead. Just because she looked pretty. All the guys nearly starved to death because they couldn't turn their gazes away from her cute face.
Screw the rules, this is the city of sin. "Hi," he said to her nervously. "What's your name?"
"I am Mary Zoo," she told him. Zack reveled in the perfect sound of her perfect sing song voice. I think I'm in love. To give you an idea of how perfect her voice is, Sarah McLachlan would be jealous of her. "Wanna go out on a date sometime?" Without answering him, Mary gave him the best, wettest kiss he ever had.
"That answer your question?" she whispered sweetly. Zack nodded. Her sweet breath made him feel strong again.
So they went to the movie theater as a date thing. They saw The Lion King 3: Simba Saves Santa. During the part where Simba played Nala's skeleton like a glockenspiel, Zack laughed so hard, he almost sprayed popcorn on the person in front.
The next day of class, more work had gotten done on expanding Bayside. Zack forgot to do his homework because of the movie. What am I gonna do?
When it was time to turn in his homework, he had one last desperate idea, but it was a long shot.
"Miss Sunapee. I couldn't do my homework because of the economy." For a few moments she looked as if she was trying to decide whether or not to believe him when she finally said 'You're excused.' Okay, so it wasn't a long shot. Sue me.
"People are using the economy as an excuse all the time anyways. Why should I be any different?"
Zack reveled in the thought of never doing any work ever again and just instead using the economy as an excuse when he missed an assignment. He could get automatic A+'s. What fun! He went through his entire school career just by avoiding assignments and using the economy as an excuse and getting A+'s that way while Mary was getting A+'s the honest way just by studying and working hard. She was also fit enough to be captain of the boys' football team, and in fact she was. She never got below a 100% on any school assignments, ever. All through school, Zack wondered why he'd never seen Slater, and even more he wondered why Kelly never suspected him of cheating on her. "I've got to suck it up and tell her the truth."
So Zack went back home and told Kelly that he was dating a girl named Mary Zoo.
"WE ARE THROUGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO THIS TO ME!" Kelly yelled at him. Zack felt a stab of guilt until he saw she was laughing. "I knew it all along. But I'm okay with it because this is Las Vegas, the city of sin. Screw the rules, go have a little fun! You're allowed to cheat on me if you want."
As Zack and all the rest of them were nearing their second high school graduation, Bayside had grown to be way bigger than the Pentagon. In fact, Zack was reminded of the Great Wall of China. He wondered if the new Bayside would stretch that far. But it had to be big enough to accommodate everyone. They were still working on it. On the senior superlatives, Mary Zoo was voted most likely to succeed, most athletic, most attractive, best personality, best dressed, and during both proms was voted prom queen. And during all four homecomings she was voted homecoming queen. Aww, so adorable.
After the second graduation, Zack and Mary got married.
"Hey, you know, I haven't seen my good friend Albert Clifford Slater since I married Kelly. I wanna go see how he is, but I don't know where he is right now, I never saw him in school, ever. Could he be home schooled?" Without a word, Mary drove him to a random house all the way in New York City. "This reminds me so much of Castelia City in Pokemon Black and White," Zack remarked as they drove by the completed Freedom Tower. Slater greeted them at the front door.
"Hi Albert Clifford Slater," Zack greeted. He reeked like hell and he was wearing the same red muscle shirt he was wearing when Zack and Kelly eloped. Zack turned to Mary.
"How did you know he lived here?" Zack asked Mary.
"I had a feeling," Mary replied cutely.
"You smell so bad, and you're wearing the exact same shirt that you were wearing last time I saw you. Is there a connection?" Zack asked playfully. Slater cleared his throat.
"I've never washed or taken off this muscle shirt for over 14 years, that's why people tell me I smell wore than hell. Since no one should really be anywhere within a 300 mile radius of me, my mother home schools me on Skype."
"How come you live alone?"
"I'm not alone. I'm married. You're looking at my wife right now." Zack and Mary were even more confuzzled.
"My muscle shirt, who I named 'Shirtina' is my wife. We eloped during a fateful sociology lesson taught by my mom on Skype." Zack remembered when Belding said on the news that architects were planning to expand the school to take up the entire universe except for a sphere with a 300 mile radius around New York City, but he had no idea why that specifically. Now he knew. Zack and Mary decided to drive somewhere 300 miles from New York City. Yup. Construction on the new Belding was going on there. Even 300 miles above and below, construction was going on (they took a jet plane and a mole digger respectively.)
They went back to Las Vegas where Jessica was crying her heart out.
"All wildlife except humans are in danger of becoming extinct and it's all because of that Belding guy who insisted on expanding Bayside to cover nearly the entire universe!" she cried. "He is a mad man and must be killed if necessary!"
"Yeah, let's go fly planes into Bayside as retaliation! WILDLIFE WILL BE AVENGED!" Zack spake with determinism. Mary had a look on her face that suggested they were obfuscating stupidity.
"I think I know what to do," Mary said after a long silence. Zack thought being quiet made her all the more sexier.
Mary led the way into the basement of one of the casinos in downtown Las Vegas. Screech, Lisa, Kelly, Jessica, and Zack were led into a catacomb with weird ancient writings. Among them all was a text that read 'Red and yellow will make life more fun for every fellow.'
"So what? Just some gibberish." Zack was clueless.
"I think I know what this prophecy means," Mary figured out.
"Prophecy?" Zack echoed.
"Yes. Hair color. You have yellow hair and I have red. Together we will have a baby with orange hair and he will save us all. And you must have the baby because I don't wanna add baby weight to my perfect body," she said while rubbing her hands all over her slim core. Zack had no idea how to have a baby. After all, males can't get pregnant, right?
"Umm, how is babby formed?" he asked his infinitely pretty ginger wife. "I must have been daydreaming too much in health class."
"I'll show you. I know you'll like it," she said in her soothing voice that could make an insomniac who drank 300 gallons of caffeine fall asleep. I'll tell you when you're older.
So Zack was pregnant with a beautiful baby boy, and just as the prophecy said, he had orange hair.
"I think I'll name him Touhou." Every-time Zack went near him, he could hear the Beloved Tomboyish Daughter theme playing.
Back outside, Mary Zoo yawned really loudly and really hard. Her sweet breath was so magical and smelled so perfect, it brought earth's dead wildlife back from the dead. And the music Touhou emitted made all the architects stop working just to listen to the music he was emitting for no explanation. Touhou took the time to summon Raven, Hannah Montana, Lizzie McGuire, Drake and Josh, and the iCarly cast to destroy all the excess Bayside high school, and leave just the original floor plan. Zack took a moment to break the fourth wall.
"This is not a crossover because we are all in the same universe. And now that we have everyone's destructive powers, Bayside High can no longer be our entire universe."
After Bayside High was destroyed, Belding went into a heroic BSOD and canceled school forever all over the world. Everyone lived happily ever after now that all school was gone forever. Permanent summer vacation. And Mary Zoo taught him all he needed to know (grades K-12) since using the economy as an excuse didn't teach him anything. Afterward they went to a pool and Mary had the best bikini body anyone in the universe had ever seen. So awesome that guys' girlfriends gave the guys permission to cheat. G'night everybody!