Chapter 16: The Bachelor Party
"I distinctly remember you saying that I shouldn't feel sick again after first waking," complained Byakuya as Renji handed him a glass of water and watched sympathetically as he rinsed his mouth, then turned a sickly shade of green again and bent over the toilet, retching.
"Damn, Captain, I don't know what to say," said the redhead, "I don't think I got anything like that sick."
"Oh, you were quite ill when we were captured in Hueco Mundo. You've only forgotten. Abarai, I think..."
He broke off and bent over the toilet, retching again as Renji shook his head in sympathy.
"I'm sorry, Captain. I feel bad for..."
"No, I feel bad," the noble corrected him, "You feel sorry."
"I do," Renji agreed, "Is there anything that I can do?"
"Yes," said Byakuya, frowning in disapproval, but failing to object as Renji swept him up and carried him back to bed, "You can give the guests at the bachelor party my regrets. I just do not think that I can manage."
"Aww, Captain, don't say that!" objected Renji, "Kisuke has a great surprise for us, he said...something he says that we will both really enjoy."
"Which to Kisuke Urahara means that it is something that is somehow going to end up being distressing to me, one way or another! Truly Renji, such a party is something that you would enjoy more than I would."
"But I want to see your reaction when we get whatever it is. Please Byakuya? C'mon, it will be fun. I promise. And if Kisuke offends you, just hit him in the nose."
"Renji!" Byakuya said reprovingly.
"Hey, I've been doing it. People let you get away with all kinds of shit and just say, 'Oh, it's just he's pregnant.'"
"Yes, well, be that as it may, I am not going to subject myself to the unnecessary torment of that man's presence simply because I desire the opportunity to punch him in the nose. I could do that anytime..."
Sure, but we're only gonna get married once," Renji said, his genuine smile handily disarming his moody captain's resolve, "This is the only bachelor party I'm ever gonna have. Won't you please come?"
"Ah..." Byakuya groaned, unable to resist the sweet, longing gaze of his lover, but still dreading the embarrassment that he knew that Kisuke was quite capable of smilingly inflicting on him.
But this means something to Renji. And he said that this is the only time he'll be married. The man really is in love with me. And I must really love him too, because I feel such a desire to keep that lovely smile on his face.
Oh, what fools love makes of us, ne?
"Mmmm?" he grunted, making Renji give him an even more melting, hopeful look, "Oh gods, Renji, I must be overwhelmed by hormones, because I just cannot say no to you."
The smile Renji gave him made him forget all about Kisuke Urahara and Yoruichi Shihoin for a moment.
"Then, you'll come to the bachelor party?" the redhead asked.
Byakuya took a breath and started to answer, then registered intense discomfort on his face and abandoned the bed to throw up again. Renji knelt next to him, his arms around the groaning noble, rubbing his belly very gently and kissing him on the side of the neck.
"Then, you do it? You'll come?" he asked hopefully.
Byakuya let out a defeated sigh.
"Yes, Abarai, I will attend...if..."
"If you come with me now, and deliver on that extra steamy shower that my illness has so far prevented us from taking."
Renji's face ached with the huge smile that broke out.
"You've got it, Captain!"
"Byakuya," Renji breathed against his throat, making the nausea disappear as he helped the noble back to his feet and swiftly deprived him of his yukata, "You've got it, Byakuya."
Renji coaxed him into the shower and under the hot, steamy spray, laughing when Byakuya complained that he must taste awful after being sick.
"Eh, you rinsed your mouth," Renji said, silencing him with another bout of penetrating kisses, "And all I taste when I kiss you is cherries. Did I ever tell you how much I love cherries, Byakuya?"
"Abarai!" the noble groaned, unable to continue as Renji's tongue penetrated his mouth again, thrusting inside and seeking out every inch inside, to touch, to caress, to taste and savor, while his hand pleasured the noble and hot water rained down on their entangled bodies.
"Renji!" he gasped as the redhead's seething, wet mouth left his to attack his throat, licking at the dribbles of water that ran down, nibbling at the pale, delectable flesh and sucking just hard enough to threaten to leave marks, without actually doing so.
Renji's strong body forced his back against a cool tiled wall, and he let out a soft 'Oh' of contentment at the mix of hot and cool, of gentle and firm touches, of gentler affection and the smoky threat of complete overthrow. Renji's lips and teeth continued their loving assault on his face, throat and shoulders, while the redhead's hand layered soap onto them, then he moved his hips, rubbing their bodies together and creating even more delightful friction and leaving the trapped noble reeling.
"Does it feel good, Byakuya?" Renji hissed, nipping his earlobe and sending an instant blush roaring across his already flushed skin.
He couldn't focus well enough to answer as Renji commenced a lovely invasion, leaving his mouth and traveling slowly downward. He took his time exploring the beautifully carved curves of strong shoulder, firm breast, sculpted ribs and soft belly, pausing to kiss the place under which their baby grew. He thrust his tongue into the noble's navel, making him inhale sharply to keep himself from climaxing as Renji's marauding mouth and fingers worked devilishly to undo him.
"O-oh! That feels...wonderful Renji!" he managed, feeling another hard twinge in his loins as that hot, plundering mouth continued its lovely torment.
He gasped and panted harshly as Renji left him struggling helplessly to stave off release. Then, first capturing his captain's lovely face in his hands and offering him a sweet, heart-melting kiss, he took the raven-haired man standing, while Byakuya gripped his shoulders tightly and bit down hard on his tongue, closing his eyes tightly and feeling weightlessness sweep over him as Renji's hips began to move.
"Gods, Renji! Oh...Oh!"
"M-makes it worth it to tolerate Kisuke at the bachelor party?" Renji giggled.
"Oh...p-please don't talk about that man while you're...d-doing this...to me!" Byakuya panted deliriously.
"But, it's worth it, ne?"
"R-renji, I swear, I'll kill you if you don't stop that!"
"What? This?" Renji said, pausing, "Are you sure?"
Renji winced at the deadly glare he received in response. He laughed and attacked Byakuya's biting mouth with fiercely aggressive kisses. The noble groaned feverishly into Renji's mouth, then shuddered heavily, his head dropping onto the redhead's shoulder and his eyes going dark and senseless, as pleasure overwhelmed him. Renji pushed him back hard against the wall,gazing down at his lovely partner's dazed expression as he was overcome. Byakuya sagged against him, barely keeping his feet as Renji carefully washed away the traces of their lovemaking, then turned off the shower and dried their bodies slowly, feeding the weary noble more gentle kisses. He slipped a clean yukata around Byakuya and started to step away, but realized then that he was beginning to fall, and caught him up gently in strong arms.
"Byakuya? You okay?" he asked worriedly.
He carried the noble back to the bed and called for a healer, who examined Byakuya briefly.
"He is all right, Master Abarai," the healer assured him, "People who are expecting, often have fainting spells...erm...especially following intense...um...sexual activity."
"Wh-wha? Wait, I didn't say we..." Renji began to object.
Then he stopped, blinking and blushing as he noticed that the bedroom looked as though a small earthquake had rumbled through.
"Oh...um...right, then," he stammered.
"Let him rest a bit and he will be fine," the healer said, smirking as he turned and left the two alone again.
Byakuya's eyes opened again a few minutes later to find Renji's looking down into them.
"Sorry," the redhead said penitently, "I guess I shouldn't have played so rough with you."
Byakuya's eyes narrowed.
"I am not delicate," he said, frowning, "I am pregnant...and that was...amazing! I might overlook your insinuation that I'm weak if you promise me that we'll do that again after the party."
Renji couldn't hold back a smile.
"Then, you're really going to come?"
"I agreed to go," said Byakuya, sitting up slowly, "and you more than delivered on your part of the agreement, "so yes, I will come."
He got up carefully, his head still ringing somewhat and his legs slightly wobbly, and he walked into the dressing area. Renji followed him in, then searched the kimonos and removed a beautiful dark red one with flecks of black that thickened around the collar, cuffs and hemline.
"This one's gorgeous, Captain," he commented, offering it to the noble, who nodded approvingly and accepted it from Renji's outstretched hand.
"There is a hunter green one as well...with red accents, on a hanger on the right."
"O-kay," Renji said, bringing the requested garment, "But, I really like the one I picked for you."
Byakuya surprised his fiancé with a charming smirk.
"That one, I had made for you, Renji," he explained.
"Wha...? When?" Renji asked, scratching the back of his neck and studying the expensive material, "We only just..."
"I actually had it made for another occasion...one that hasn't happened yet. But, I will have another made for that."
Renji gave him a confused look.
"But...what was it for?" he asked as he began to dress in the handsome kimono, "What occasion?"
Byakuya turned and captured the redhead's face in his hands.
"Your promotion, Renji," he said, kissing the redhead, "I had it made for the party I am going to have for you here after you are made a captain."
"Really?" Renji said, blinking back sudden moisture that welled up at the thought, "You were...looking forward to that?"
"Of course," said the noble, "And I still am. And after our wedding, and the births of our children, I fully expect you will complete the rest of the requirements."
Renji broke into a wide, gratified smile and hugged his noble lover tightly.
"Thank you, Captain...Byakuya," he whispered, kissing a pale earlobe, "I will do that. I promise."
The two finished dressing and walked back out into the bedroom to find their attendants waiting to escort them out to the party. They walked out into the gardens, where preparations had been made, and found the guests already present. Yoruichi lounged lazily near Rukia, who was kissing a blushing and somewhat inebriated Orihime. Kisuke sat on the grass under a sakura tree, with his arms around a smiling Ichigo. Captains Kyouraku and Ukitake laughed and talked near the table that had been loaded with sweets, savories, tea and champagne punch. A tittering Rangiku sat with her frowning boy captain and the vice captains of squads three, five and nine, while Ikkaku and Yumichika sat with a smirking Captain Zaraki, watching Yachiru gorge herself on a mountain of treats. A sea of others were arranged in groups all around the gardens, and at one end, someone had set up a huge viewing screen.
"What is that about?" Byakuya asked, frowning, "I did not order that."
"No?" queried Renji, "I wonder who did..."
They strolled about the gardens, accepting tea from their attendants, then moving from group to group and greeting all of those who had gathered.
"Byakuya, Renji," Ukitake greeted them, "You both look great...very good together."
"I agree," said Kyouraku, making the squad thirteen captain blush with a peck on the lips, then taking several swallows of the champagne punch, "This is wonderful. Just hope there's nothing in this that will make us all go home and make babies too!"
"Charming," sighed Byakuya, nudging Renji along to the next group, "Senpai...Rukia, Orihime...welcome."
"I was surprised at the invitation," grinned Yoruichi, "Aren't bachelor parties typically for males?"
"Eh, fuck that," chuckled Renji, "We wanted all of our friends here!"
"So, what do you think Kisuke has planned?" asked Rukia.
Byakuya rolled his eyes and sighed.
"Heaven only knows, but we will all just grin and bear it."
"Hey Renji," laughed Yoruichi, "What did you have to do to convince him to come out here?"
Renji flushed brightly and this time it was Byakuya who smiled.
"We will leave that to your wild imagination, Senpai," he said, blinking slowly and moving on to the next group.
"Hey Abarai, Kuchiki, you have matching baby bumps now, ne?" laughed Zaraki, "I'm surprised you could fit into those kimonos."
"That's not nice, Kenny!" Yahiru snapped, throwing a large lollipop at him, "You don't tease Byakushi!"
"Ow!" complained the squad eleven captain, "Knock it off!"
Byakuya and Renji shook their heads and moved on.
"You guys about ready for your gift?" asked Kisuke as they approached him.
"That depends," Byakuya said, glowering, "It had better not be anything embarrassing for us. I think that with the porn videos that were made..."
"Oh...no," Kisuke assured them.
He paused for a moment, thinking.
"W-well, it wouldn't be a bachelor thing if it wasn't a little embarrassing, ne?"
"Trust me," Kisuke said, chuckling, "You guys won't believe this."
He nodded to two Kuchiki attendants who stood nearby.
"Okay, fellas, let's roll this thing."
Byakuya looked up at the video screen and tensed.
"Oh...oh no..." he said softly, grabbing Renji's arm, "Urahara, if you..."
He broke off as loud theme music broke out and Kisuke stepped up to the side of the screen, accepting a microphone from another attendant.
"I am going to kill that man," breathed Byakuya, "If he..."
"Ladies and gentlemen," Kisuke said, grinning, "As we gather to celebrate the fated joining of our two friends in holy matrimony, I think we should pause and thank all of the people who helped to bring these two together. First, our two friends, themselves."
The guests stared as a chibi-Renji appeared on one side of the screen, holding Zabimaru in his hand.
"I will save Rukia!" he yelled.
Laughter broke out as a chibi-Byakuya moved into his path.
"I don't think so."
"Bankai, Hihio, Zabimaru!" chibi-Renji howled.
"Ahem...Bankai, Senbonzakura Kageyoshi." chibi-Byakuya said calmly.
Swirls of pink petals swallowed up the skeletal snake and chibi-Renji, leaving the latter in a bloody mess on the ground.
"Ow..." groaned chibi-Renji.
"That was a good fight. You look good all bloody like that. Here, clean yourself up and get back to work," said Byakuya, dropping his scarf over his collapsed subordinate.
"I hate you, Kisuke Urahara," muttered the real Byakuya.
"Next, we have a couple of our dear ladyfriends," said Kisuke.
The screen changed to Orihime's apartment, where chibi-Rukia and chibi-Orihime fluttered about under a blanket, making erotic noises. Chibi-Byakuya and chibi-Renji arrived on the balcony.
"Are you sure that we shouldn't just go to the door and knock?" asked chibi-Byakuya.
"Not necessary," said chibi-Renji, "I always go in this way."
They froze and stared in at the chibi-girls as noises of ecstasy erupted from under the blankets. Chibi-Renji's eyes turned to black 'x's and chibi-Byakuya managed a sympathetic look.
"Maybe we should go back to Kisuke's and have some tea..." he suggested.
He took chibi-Renji's hand and led him back to Kisuke's shop, where he helped chibi-Renji into bed.
"Fuck tea," said chibi-Renji, "I need booze, Captain."
Chibi-Byakuya sighed and nodded.
"I suppose it might help."
He left the bedroom and went rummaging through Kisuke's cabinet, removing a dark bottle that said, "From S. Aizen to K. Urahara" and carrying it back to the room. Chibi-Renji grabbed the bottle and drank deeply, while chibi-Byakuya watched sympathetically.
"Is that better, Renji?" asked chibi-Byakuya.
"Captain?" chibi-Renji said, his eyes turning to spirals, "You look hot when I drink this. Here, try some!"
"I look...hot?" queried chibi-Byakuya, a question mark appearing over his head as he accepted the bottle and gulped down a few swallows.
He looked in a mirror and his eyes turned into spirals.
"I do look hot now," he commented.
He turned back to his subordinate.
"Renji, you will fuck me at once!" he ordered chibi-Renji.
"Yay!" yelled chibi-Renji, leaping out of bed and tackling his chibi-boss.
The guest groaned as the screen went blank and the words 'CENSORED by BK' appeared on the screen.
"Ooh, you are hot, Captain," cooed chibi-Renji, hiccoughing, "Wanna fuck me now?"
"Erm, wait until we get home."
"But when they got home, Captain Kuchiki got a little too into his work, so Renji had to get creative..."
The next scene opened at the sixth division, with chibi-Byakuya at his desk working and chibi-Renji making tea behind his back. Glancing at his chibi-captain's back, chibi-Renji took on a sinister grin and removed the bottle of doctored booze, then slipped some into chibi-Byakuya's tea.
"Renji?" queried chibi-Byakuya as he drank some, "Do you know that I look hot again?"
"Teehee..." giggled chibi-Renji, "I noticed. Wanna fuck me now?"
"I think I do. Lie down on top of my desk, Renji."
Renji sprawled across the desk and his head began bobbing about dizzily as Byakuya attacked him from behind.
"Hey Abarai," said chibi-Zaraki from outside the squad room window, "Wow, your captain looks hot tonight."
"Yeah!" panted Renji, "Isn't that GREAT?"
"It wasn't so great for Captain Kuchiki," narrated Urahara as a chibi-head captain appeared on the screen, chasing chibi-Byakuya around and breathing fire at him.
"Ow...damn, I'm sorry!" yelled chibi-Byakuya, fleeing in flash steps, "I won't fuck Renji in the squad room again! Even though I don't remember doing that in the first place. OW!"
"So poor Byakuya got banished to 'Stone Hell,' the most remote listening post in the farthest reaches of Hueco Mundo," Kisuke said, smiling, "But Renji, it seems, only found it a reason to invoke his own evil plans."
The screen chnged to a bored looking chibi-Byakuya sitting in front of a computer screen. A tap sounded on the outpost door.
"Captain?" called chibi-Renji, "You in there?"
Chibi-Byakuya went to the door and opened it to find Renji smiling at him and holding a tea tray.
"Sorry you got in trouble, Captain," said chibi-Renji, winking, "You want some...tea?"
Chibi-Byakuya's eyes rotated left, then right, then he snatched Renji inside and the door slammed closed. Behind the closed door, gulping noises sounded.
"Ooh, Captain!" gasped Renji, "You look REALLY hot!"
"But little did they know," added Kisuke as the picture shifted to the computer screen in their room, where chibi-Nemu's face appeared and observed the captain and vice captain in the throes of passion. Hearts erupted around her head and her eyes turned to spirals.
"Oh, Captain Kuchiki is SOOOOO HOT!" she squealed, hitting the record button.
"But little did they know..." Kisuke narrated.
The screen changed to show chibi-Gin and chibi-Aizen watching a computer screen.
"I intercepted this from a listening post near here," said chibi-Gin.
The two stared as the images of chibi-Byakuya and chibi-Renji fucking madly appeared on their screen.
"Byakuya looks so hot," commented chibi-Aizen, "I want to look hot too. Capture them!"
"Unfortunately," said Kisuke, "our friends were still so...erm...busy, they didn't even realize they'd been caught until they woke up in Aizen's foul clutches."
Chibi-Byakuya sat up in bed and looked around. Seeing chibi-Aizen and chibi-Gin standing by the bed and staring down at him, he nudged chibi-Renji.
"I think we're not in Stone Hell anymore, Renji," he said, swallowing hard and breaking into a sweat.
"Oh, that's good, Captain," chibi-Renji yawned, sitting up.
His eyes blinked twice, then rounded.
"OH SHIT, I MEAN THAT'S NOT GOOD, CAPTAIN!" chibi-Renji yelled, jumping out of bed and running to the window, where he jumped out and ran for home.
"Renji?" said chibi-Byakuya, trying to edge towards the window.
He was almost there when chibi-Gin slammed the window shut and chibi-Aizen cornered him. Chibi-Byakuya's eyes widened.
"Wh-what do you want with me?" he asked shakily, "If you think I will fuck a bad man like you, then you'd better be prepared to pay for it!"
"Eh?" said chibi-Gin as chibi-Byakuya realized his blunder and blushed furiously, "I didn't know you were a prostitute, Captain Kuchiki."
"I don't care about that," said chibi-Aizen, taking hold of chibi-Byakuya's yukata, "Tell me how you did it. Tell me how you made yourself look so hot!"
"Erm," said chibi-Byakuya, taking the bottle out behind his back and ripping off the label, "It was this!"
He watched, smirking and growing devil horns as chibi-Aizen and chibi-Gin opened the bottle and sniffed it, then each took a drink.
"It DID make me look hot!" exclaimed chibi-Aizen, "Gin, fuck me immediately!"
"Eh?" said chibi-Gin, staring.
Chibi-Byakuya shrugged and blinked with feigned innocence.
"He does look hot," he said, nudging chibi-Gin.
"He does," chibi-Gin agreed, climbing onto the bed.
Chibi-Byakuya's eyes glinted wickedly and he whispered something into chibi-Gin's ear that made chibi-Gin laugh.
"Get on your hands and knees and we'll fuck like dogs!" chibi-Gin ordered chibi-Aizen.
Hearts floated up from chibi-Aizen's head as he happily complied.
Chibi-Byakuya stood, watching, a pale hand over his smiling mouth, then he edged towards the door, then flash stepped away. As he ran out of the room, he turned back for a moment, his eyes glinting devilishly again as he touched a button on a recording device in the room.
The screen the guests were watching went blank for a moment, then a moment later, the picture returned, but with the real Aizen on hands and knees on the bed, with Gin taking from behind.
"Oops!" said Kisuke, stepping in front of the screen, "Sorry...some bad editing there! Moving right along. Not long after..."
The guests watched as an image of the real Aizen and Gin sleeping happily in each others' arms appeared on the screen. Aizen's eyes opened suddenly, his expression surprised. He bolted from the bed and ran into the bathroom, where he fell to his knees, heaving into the toilet. Gin appeared a moment later and bent over an trash can next to him. The scene cut away to chibi-Aizen and chibi-Gin vomiting. Chibi-Aizen stopped and looked into the bathroom mirror.
"I don't look hot!" he yelled, his reiatsu shaking the buildings of Las Noches until they cracked, "I LOOK PREGNANT!"
"And," said Kisuke, as chibi-Byakuya appeared on the screen wearing a wedding dress and chibi-Renji appeared in a tuxedo, "Our heroes got married and lived happily ever after. The end."
The gathered crowd applauded wildly, and several 'high-fived' Kisuke as he walked to where Byakuya and Renji stood, waiting.
"So," said Kisuke, "How'd you guys like your bachelor party gift?"
Byakuya exchanged glances with Renji, then surprised the smiling shopkeeper with a punch to the nose. Renji watched as Kisuke staggered back and Byakuya shook his hand and winced.
"Sorry," said Renji, glaring at Kisuke, "He's pregnant, you know. Can't help it."
Byakuya noticed suddenly, that an agitated looking Isshin Kurosaki had burst into the gardens and was headed for them.
"Kisuke Urahara," he said, smirking, "I think your own 'gift' has arrived."
"Uh-oh," said Kisuke, "I guess he knows, ne? Well, time to go!"
Kisuke fled the gardens, with Isshin in hot pursuit. Byakuya and Renji watched quietly until they were out of sight.
"So," said Renji, an edge of nervousness in his voice, "That was...interesting."
"Yes. And I think it did do me some good, seeing Sousuke Aizen getting what he deserves for once. But come now, didn't you promise me something for attending this...occasion?"
"Right," Renji giggled, following as Byakuya turned towards their bedroom, "And may I say, Captain, you do look hot...and that's without any spiked sake at all."