No Limes, Lemons, Oranges, or Pomelos

When Naruto and the gang finally get wi-fi in Konoha, they are appalled by what they see and decide to write their own fanfic. Hilarity ensues. Many different couples. Rated T for language.

UPDATE: Last chapter, "Shadow Boxer Lemonaide" has bumped up the rating to M, but really for that chapter only- there aren't any actual lemons in that chapter but it is a bit racy, so I thought I'd make it M to be safe.

Disclaimer: I don't freakin own Naruto!

Naruto: That's fucking right! None of you suckers owns me! I own myself! I wish you crazy fanfic kids would stop making me your monkey.

Author: Um...actually Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto actually owns you...and all your friends.

Naruto: Shut up! You freakin suck!

Author: Whatever Naruto, story time. Dance for me, monkey!

Naruto: Eeeep! *Begins dancing*


"If you don't like my peaches, why do you shake my tree?

Stay out of my orchard, and let my peach tree be"

~Sitting on Top of the World, Ella Fitzgerald

It was a disgusting, rainy day in Konoha. Scratch that, actually, the weather was schizophrenic, constantly changing between rain, sleet, hail, snow...with thunder and lightening. The Hokage ordered everyone in doors- it was the worst storm of the century. Thankfully though, the power was still on, and Naruto was going to take full advantage of his new Wi-Fi while he could.

Previously, everyone in the village just had dial-up, which was really no good for anything besides checking your email (loaded in plain html of course). Now, a wide world of idiotic time-wasting, glorious sites opened up to him! Free porn, facebook, twitter, pandora, youtube- where was a kid to start? He lounged back in his chair, clad in his iconic pj's and connected to the net.

Just then, Sakura g-chated Naruto.

CherryBlossom10: Sup?

RamenHokage1: Nothin...

CherryBlossom10: Hee hee...

RamenHokage1: ?

CherryBlossom10: You ready for this?

RamenHokage1: :-P just send me the f'ing link betch!

CherryBlossom10: LOL, k, get ready...!

Naruto didn't know why Sakura-chan was being so annoying. Finally, she sent him the link. It was from a site he'd never seen before- , what the fuck is that? Anyway, he followed the link. He noticed that the main characters were named Naruto and Hinata. That's weird...Hinata is a pretty common name, but I don't know many Naruto's...cool! He sat back with his cup of instant ramen and commenced to read. A minute later, he spewed half chewed ramen noodles all over his computer and began to choke-

"What- the- fuck?"

RamenHokage1: What the fuck was that Sakura-chan? Did you write that smut? I would never, EVER do something so pervy- to Hinata? WTF?

CherryBlossom10: LOL! I didn't write it, I'm not Sensei! :-)

RamenHokage1: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

CherryBlossom10: Check out this next link, whore! ;)

Sakura sent him another fanfic link- this time the characters were Naruto and Sasuke. Thank the lord, this won't be another smut fest. It's probably just a story where we beat the crap out of each other.

Naruto sighed and wiped the limp ramen off his monitor and began to read. The next minute, he was passed out with a nosebleed.

When he finally came to, he was angry as fuck.

BlackRaven just joined chat

RamenHokage1: SAKURA-CHAN! WHAT THE FUCK?

CherryBlossom10: I seriously almost pissed myself reading that one.

BlackRaven: Shut up Sakura.

RamenHokage1: Sasuke, I would never, EVER-

BlackRaven: Shut it dobe.

CherryBlossom10: LOFL!

BlackRaven: Ok, check out this link Sakura-chaaaaaaan. Hn.

Sasuke sent them yet another fanfic link. This time the two main characters were Ino and Sakura. In a minute, Naruto thought he was going to bust a gut from laughter.

RamenHokage1: OMG, that was fucking high-larious...and hot! Sakura, do you really do that when you girls have a sleep over? Can I join sometime?

BlackRaven: *Snort*

CherryBlossom10: NO YOU FUCKING PERVERT! SHUT THE HELL UP!

BlackRaven: Karma's a bitch, yo.

360degrees just joined chat

360degrees: Sakura, where the hell did you find that smut?

CherryBlossom10: There are thousands of these stories guys..oh Kami, I didn't realize so many were about me! I mean the ones with me and Sasuke are ok, but the others! OMG!

BlackRaven: Hn. Sup Neji?

360degrees: Freezing. My power just went out, so I don't have any heat and I have to run my laptop on chakra for now. What a waste of chakra, let me tell you. Do you see how much smut is written about me and Tenten? Not to mention *shudder* me and HINATA? Fucking nasty.

RamenHokage1: Oh yeah, well there are at least a million stories of me and that dobe having hot gay sex. I think I'm going to vomit.

BlackRaven: Naruto, if you ever mention anything about me having hot gay sex, I will chop your balls off. I'm not fucking around.

RamenHokage1: Whatever, teme.

CherryBlossom10: You know you like it, Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun!

RamenHokage1: SHOVE IT!

FlowerPower just joined chat

FlowerPower: Did you guys see all those smutty links from Sakura about us? I'm fucking dying.

CherryBlossom10: Lol, the truth about Ino comes out- she's a blonde bimbo.

FlowerPower: Fuck off. As least I get laid in my fanfic, while most of the time you end up old, alone, angry and bitter...oh, and a virgin.

CherryBlossom10: PIG!

RamenHokage1: Shit fuck, my power just went out and my battery is going to die soon. Anyone still have power? And maybe a generator just in case?

CherryBlossom10: *sigh* Come on over Naruto. You too Neji. We live closer to the center of town, so we still have power, and plus my parents have enough generator power to run for a few days.

RamenHokage1: All right! Do you have ramen?

360degrees: Thanks very much Sakura-san. Is it ok if I bring Hinata-sama as well? She doesn't do well in the cold...

FlowerPower: OMG, party at Sakura's! I'm coming over toooooo! BTW, her parents are totally out of town!

CherryBlossom10: Lol, cool. Come on over guys, and try and score some sake on the way!

About half an hour later, every single member of the rookie 9 plus 3 had all gathered in Sakura's living room.

"Ino-pig! You invited everyone?" Sakura cried indignantly.

Ino shrugged, "Come on, your parents are out of town and we've all got off from missions and training because of the shit weather. What better excuse do you need?"

"Fine, but guys don't mess up the house or my parents will freakin murder me when they get back from their trip."

"A-arigato Sakura-chan!" Hinata stuttered through her chattering teeth. "I really can't stand the cold!"

"Why doesn't the Hyuga mansion have some kind of generator, aren't you guys rich or something?" Kiba quipped as he took off his soaking wet jacket and hung it by the door.

Hinata blushed, but Neji merely sighed as he retorted, "The mansion is an old design and the ancient power system wouldn't be able to handle a generator. So my deepest thanks for your hospitality Sakura-san."

"No worries. My parents are complete spazes when it comes to emergency preparedness, so there's plenty of food and water. You guys are welcome to stay over if you need to, the weather is really getting nasty out there and I wouldn't want you to get hypothermia or something."

"ARIGATO SAKURA-CHAN!" Naruto yelled, hugging Sakura tightly. She pounded him on the head and he released her as he fell ignobly to the floor with a thud. "You're welcome, everyone!" Sakura smiled sweetly.

"Sakura-chan, is your internet still up?"

Sakura sighed. "As much as I like reading soft porn about you guys, the internet finally went down. When the power comes back on, I'm going to have to find a way to block Konoha's access before Kakashi sensei can read...errr..." She blushed profusely.

"Hn. I threw up in my mouth when I read about you fucking Kakashi." Sasuke's mouth twitched up at the corners of his mouth- the Uchiha's version of a smile- and proceeded to parrot back a fanfic in a falsetto, "Oooooooh sensei, I've been such a baaaaaaad girl..."

The room broke out into riotous laughter. Sakura's eyes bugged out of her head, but before she could unleash her monstrous strength in Sasuke's direction, Ino held her arms down. "Don't do that in here! You'll end up breaking your house! Think of your parents!"

Sakura huffed, "Sasuke, you can die outside in the snow for all I care. Besides-" she continued, her voice turning syrupy-sweet, "We all know you are just dying to get into Naruto's pants." Naruto turned a bright shade of crimson as she recited, in a forced baritone voice, "Oh Naruto, I could never love anyone but yoooooou! Harder! Faster!"

Sasuke blanched but managed to keep his cool- after all, his house didn't have power, it was bloody cold outside, and Sakura had an infamous temper. "Hn. Gross. I just threw up in my mouth again."

"Guys, guys, come on. The party just started, let's not get it off to a bad start. Check out what Akamaru brought!" Kiba laughed as Akamaru barked and lifted his head so everyone could see the ginormous barrel tied under his neck. Everyone cheered.

"Let's get plastered! It will be very youthful!" Rock Lee fisted the air and laughed.

"Oh no Lee, you cannot have any alcohol or you will level Sakura's cute house!" Tenten moaned. Lee looked crestfallen, but replied, "Tenten, you are certainly right. I can be youthful without getting shitfaced."

Tenten shook her head. "Here Lee, I brought this over special for you." She held out a bottle of sparkling apple cider- without any alcohol.

"Ah, Tenten, this is truly youthful. Arigato!" Tenten rolled her eyes but smiled.

Sakura laughed and gathered up enough cups for everyone. "Come on gang, let's go sit by the fire and lighten Akamaru's load for him."

The group sauntered into a cozy living room and began sipping on sake. "This is great Sakura, I had no idea you had such a plush pad! What is it your parent's do for a living?"

Sakura smiled, "Thanks Kiba-kun. They are actually merchants, and do a lot of trading with neighboring villages and countries. That's why they aren't around as much..."

"Whoa, I guess that explains the huge collection of chachkies!" Tenten breathed and looked around at the exotic decor- exquisite ceremonial masks, antique swords, beautiful maps and tapestries all met her curious gaze.

"Naruto! Don't touch anything! Not-a-thing!" Ino squealed as she saw his grubby paws hovering over a priceless antique.

Sakura shot her friend a thankful look before she settled down on the couch.

"So, now what do we do?" Lee proclaimed.

The group of friends stared into the fire. "I dunno, chill?" Kiba muttered.

"I don't think Lee knows the meaning of chill..." Neji smirked.

"For sure I know! I have a terrible chill from the inclement weather!" Lee stated. Tenten sighed and asked, "Pass the sake for the love of Kami."

Suddenly, Ino spoke up- "Omg, I have the best idea about what we should do!"

Shikamaru looked up from his cup and moaned. "This is going to be troublesome." Choji, whose mouth was full of chips, nodded in agreement. They knew Ino as well as anyone, and were certain her devious mind could not be trusted.

"Nanda?" Sakura grinned.

"We should write our own story! About us!"

Sasuke groaned. "Absolutely, positively no lemons!"

Neji nodded. "A respectable story, sans any limes. For lady Hinata's sake."

Naruto shuddered. "No lemons, limes, pomelos, kumquats, no fucking citrus at all, especially not between me and any temes."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Shut the fuck up dobe." Sakura giggled.

Hinata stuttered, "It should- it...should be more like...how we...really are."

Shino nodded. "We can stand up to the demoralizing and perverted descriptions of ourselves and write something of quality, and with excellent grammar and spelling."

Tenten agreed. "Yeah, we'll write something where we use the words 'your' and 'you're' properly. It'll be like a whole new world of literacy on ."

Ino shouted triumphantly, "So it's settled, we'll write our own fanfic about ourselves!" Ino scrambled to get to her backpack, and procured a spiral bound notebook and a pencil. "Ok, let's get started!" There was a long silence as she opened up the book.

"So what should it be about?" Ino asked finally.

"A battle royal where I kick Sasuke's ass!" Naruto shouted.

"A fist fight between me and Naruto where I break his nose." Sasuke retorted.

"Yosh! That sounds very youthful!" Lee proclaimed.

Ino shook her head. "Listen guys, do you even know how to write a story? It should be close to real life, but not that close. We need to make an alternate universe where we are cowboys, or thieves, or-"

"Porn stars!" Kiba chimed in, rolling on the floor in laughter.

"SHUT UP!" Neji, Sasuke, and Naruto yelled. It was strange to see all three of them agreeing on something for once.

Ino held up her hand, taking charge. "Ok, let's go around and say our favorite ideas for the story. I'll write them down and then we'll vote, ok? Hmmm, I think we should do a story about where we are in the future, 20 years from now. Next?"

"Romantic comedy starring Naruto and Sasuke-kuuuuuuun!" Squealed Sakura.

"Romantic comedy starring Kakashi-sensei and Sakura-chaaaaaaaaan." Retorted Sasuke.

"The rookie 9 plus 3 battle evil aliens on planet umeboshi!" Naruto yelped, while many of his friends rolled their eyes.

"The rookie 9 plus 3 are all different animals and have to fight a giant snake!" Kiba grinned.

"We're all transported to an alternate reality where bugs control the world and use humans for science experiments."

"Ew, Shino, that is sooooooo gross!" Moaned Tenten. "Here's my idea- an alternate universe where we're all samurai and we have to duel each other to the death!"

"Ah, Tenten, that sounds youthful! Mine is similar to Tenten's, only we are gladiators!"

Neji chortled. "I don't care what we write about, so long as it is well written."

Hinata tented her fingers together- "They are all really nice...I...I don't mind what we write about either."

Shikamaru sighed. "This is all so troublesome, I don't care what it's about. Choji?"

"I have a great idea!" Choji spoke up. "We're all chefs and we're competing for who can make the best food!" Shikamaru grinned. "Like Iron Chef? I like that."

"Ok, let's vote then!"

After everyone had voted, Ino was shocked to find that there was a tie. "Ok guys, it's going to be a story twenty years in the future- and a romantic comedy about Naruto and Sasuke-kun."

"OH HELLS NO!" Roared Naruto and Sasuke.

"Come on guys, my idea won fair and square!" Sakura chortled.

Sasuke made hand motions- "Release!"

Nothing happened.

Sakura rolled her eyes and retorted, "Idiot, I won fair and square, without any genjutsu. Stop being such a spoiled sport."

"Guys! What about no lemons!" Naruto moaned like the drama queen he was.

Kiba, a little red in the face from too much sake, started chanting, "Lemons! Lemons! Lemons!"

Ino grimaced. "Kiba, get your perverted mind out of the gutter and shut the hell up. We already agreed that there won't be any lemons! Do you not remember the point of this fanfic!"

It was no use- Kiba was laughing too hard to hear her.

Sakura began, "Once upon a time, there were two Ninja from the village of Konoha who were deeply in love with each other-"

"FUCK NO SAKURA!" Naruto and Sasuke shouted.

Shikamaru, who usually couldn't be bothered with this crap, was starting to be amused. He blamed it on the alcohol, but he actually spoke up- "Let's make Sasuke and Naruto fight like an old married couple. Naruto can so be the feme in the relationship."

Sakura started to shake with laughter as Kiba chimed in, "Naruto totally likes it on the bottom!"

Naruto, mortified at this point, fainted.

"Guys, come on, this story sucks. How about I kill him in the story, that would make it way better?" Sasuke chimed in.

"A tragic murder ballad- I like it!" Neji smiled sadistically.

"Ah- everyone- ah- this isn't very nice!" Hinata chided.

Ino nodded. "As fun as it is to think of Naruto and Sasuke being murderously sexy together, we're never going to write a story at this rate." Ino stuck her tongue out at Kiba and Shikamaru. "Let's just go with us twenty years in the future, k?"

Kiba was about to argue, but Sakura was giving him the stare of death so he shut up.

Shikamaru began, "It is 20 years in the future and a new threat comes to shatter the peace of the Konoha village...um...like..."

Ino rolled her eyes. "A new enemy was approaching- a horde of rouge ninja who hated Konoha, peace, and anything to do with ramen."

"Ramen haters! Bastards!" Naruto burst out.

Sasuke continued, "The wise and beneficent Hokage, Uchiha Sasuke-"

"Dobe, you can't be the fucking Hogake! You have a bad track record!"

"Hn. Just did it to piss you off, ass clown."

"Fuck-"

Ino broke in, "The Hokage, Lady Ino, turned to her advisor Shikamaru as to how to address the foe."

Shikamaru grinned and continued, "My lady, you must dispatch the rookie 9 plus 3, minus yourself of course, to deal with this threat. At this time, all the ninja had been promoted to jonin and were all a part of the ANBU black opps, except for Naruto of course because he was too much of a fuck up and remained a genin."

"Bugger off Shikamaru." Naruto grumbled.

Sakura, having pity, commented, "Just let him be a jonin and an ANBU Shikamaru, he's gone through enough torture today."

"Aw, thanks Sakura-chan, you really care." Naruto smiled sweetly at her.

Sakura smirked and continued. "Lady Ino replied, 'Ah, Shikamaru, I couldn't possibly send one of those ninja, for Hinata is pregnant and I cannot risk her safety!'"

Hinata looked up in horror while Ino picked up the thread, "Shikamaru looked at the Hokage askance. 'In truth my lady? Whose child does she carry?' The Hokage sighed and gazed out the window towards the Hokage monument. 'forsooth, she is heavy with the child of Uzumaki Naruto, that indecent slut. But hark, please do not make this common knowledge, for Hyuuga Hiashi and Hyuuga Neji would certainly separate his balls from his body should they know of it.'"

Sasuke burst out laughing, Naruto looked like he just swallowed a turd, and Hinata's face resembled that of an overripe tomato. Naruto muttered, "Sakura-chan, you really do hate me!"

Neji chimed in, "Veto. This is totally inappropriate and embarrassing you idiots. Right Hinata?"

"I-I-" Hinata tried to force the words out of her swollen mouth, "It's ok Neji...I- I- don't mind."

Neji and Naruto both blanched, but had no time to comment as Tenten picked up the story.

"'But lady Hokage, there is something that you must know!' Shikamaru's face was pale as he faced his superior. 'Naruto- Naruto has been secretly banging Uchiha Sasuke, yea, acts of carnal love he has enjoyed with that Uchiha bastard.'"

Tenten roared with laughter while Lee chimed in, "Alright Naruto, that is very youthful indeed!"

Sasuke moaned and drained his cup of sake, while Shikamaru chimed in, "The noble Nara proclaimed to Ino, 'Yes m'lady, it is true. Naruto is indeed a man slut, the likes of which this village has never seen! And I am afraid that if the news of his treachery leaked out, then the Hyuuga clan would certainly murder this numbskull!"

"GUYS! WHAT THE-" Naruto protested until Sakura punched him in the face. He grumbled, "With friends like these...assholes."

Sakura cleared her throat and continued, "'We cannot have fighting in the ranks of our most noble ninja in our time of war, thusly, I Ino-pig the lady Hokage proclaim that Naruto and Hinata will be married this very day!'"

Hinata's cheeks, at this point, were journeying into uncharted territory of red. Neji looked over at her, concerned, but she smiled. She wasn't going to protest her own wedding to Naruto-kun, after all!

Ino continued, "'Yes, Shikamaru, and I, lady Ino, noble leader of Konoha and sexiest Kunoichi ever to have graced the land of Fire, I will marry Sasuke Uchiha and thus restore harmony to the ranks."

"Oi, Ino-pig, you can't marry Sasuke in this story! Either he marries me or he is totally gay for Naruto, you can't have your cake and eat it too!"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Listen up billboard brow, I'm the mother fucking Hokage and I'll do what I want."

Sasuke interrupted, "Does anyone have a gun? I'd like to shoot myself now."

Ino snorted, "Shut up Uchiha. Would you rather be having hot gay sex with that dobe over there or marry me?"

Sasuke snorted back, "Hn. Fine. I'll marry you, but just this once."

Ino squealed and continued, "'Nara Shikamaru, I command you to bring before me Hyuuga Hinata, Uzumaki Naruto, and Uchiha Sasuke.' Shikamaru went to do his lady's bidding, but on the way he was accosted by a messenger from the sand, the beautiful Temari."

Neji swooped in for this one and continued, "Temari took the Nara by the collar and hissed in his ear, 'I have been traveling these many days with my noble warriors to help defend this fair city. What do you offer me in payment, oh counsellor to the Hokage?' Shikamaru's face paled, for he knew that his beloved village would be doomed without the help from the sand village. 'Verily m'lady, for whatever boon you desire, I shall gladly pay.' 'Ah, then Shikamaru, I must tell you I overheard your conversation with the lady Hokage, and I demand that in payment you must marry me you sexy man you!'"

Shikamaru groaned. "Not only is that gross Neji, but I think you don't really know how to use 'verily' in a sentence."

Choji snorted. "This is getting good."

Tenten shouted in a sing song voice, "Shikamaru replied, 'Yes, Temari, for you are the love of my life, and I would marry no one but you!' Then, they passionately kissed! HAHAHAHA!"

Sakura chimed, "The Nara then took his leave of the sand kunoichi and proceeded to fulfill the Hokage's command. As he gathered all the ninja and began to make his way to the Hokage's tower, he was met by his friend Choji."

Choji looked up, startled. "Guys, leave me out of this."

"Oh come on!" Sakura chided. "Even Shikamaru is joining in the fun! Ok, then Choji, the noble ninja from the Akimichi clan, asked what the matter was. When he learned of the Hokage's plans, he cried, 'But verily, I do love the lady Hokage, and I shall have none but her! You Uchiha bastard, you can fuck off!"

Choji rolled his eyes. "Fuck you Sakura." He was blushing profusely.

Sakura's eyes twinkled as she continued, "The Uchiha bastard then looked at Choji and said mournfully, 'Ah, Choji, I have no choice, for the Hokage hath ordered me to wed her this very hour, and my heart is full of sorrow as well for I have no other love than my darling SAKURA!' At this Choji wept. Shikamaru could not stand his dear friend's tears and cried, 'This is indeed a dreadful day, dear Choji, but fear not for I have a plan- you must go, Uchiha bastard, go henceforth and take Sakura and head to the temple and marry her at once, and then Ino's plan will be foiled."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Will you guys stop passing me around like I'm some kind of gigolo?"

Naruto whispered, "At least you aren't banging me. Just let them have their fun." Naruto commenced to bury his face in his cup of sake.

Everyone was surprised as Hinata spoke up, even as she was choking on a blush. "May I have- may I have a turn? Ah, so then Sasuke ran off to..ah..find his beloved Sakura, while the rest of the group ran on to the Hokage's tower. When they arrived, lady Ino screamed, 'And where is the Uchiha bastard?' to which Shikamaru could not speak, but sir Choji strode forth and proclaimed, 'My lady, I have heroically punched his lights out and he now lays unconscious and bleeding on the streets of Konoha.' Choji lied, buying Sasuke more time to run off with Sakura. 'Forsooth, it is I that love you above all others, and Sasuke, who is clearly gay, would offer you no pleasure in your marriage bed- while I, of noble heart, have loved you always and now beg of you to marry me.' Hee hee..." Hinata smiled, blushing as red as a ripe strawberry.

Neji looked at her in awe. "Nice, Hinata-sama!"

Choji choked on his chips.

Shino raised his eyebrows and said, "Very well done Hinata-chan. May I now have a go?" Shino cleared his throat and continued in his best falsetto, " Lady Ino's face paled. 'Oh, my dearest Choji, how could I have never noticed your doting attention! I never knew, and all this time I wasted my affections on that piece of garbage Uchiha. Indeed, let us be married this very instant!' Lady Ino wept." Sasuke glared at Shino at the repeated paring of his name with "garbage" and "bastard".

Choji mumbled "I fucking hate you guys..."

Ino was surprisingly quiet. "Choji, do you really like me...as more than a friend?" Shikamaru smacked his head. Choji stuttered, "I...I...well..."

Sakura laughed, "Hey guys, let's get back to the story!" Choji breathed a sigh of relief and shot Sakura a look of gratitude. Sakura continued, "And thus, the honorable elder lady Tsunade joined Hinata and Naruto in marriage, as well as lady Ino and Choji, and Temari and Shikamaru. But there was no time to celebrate, for the rouge ninja and ramen haters stood by the gates of Konoha, and the ninja raced forward into battle. Neji and Tenten were already at the battlements, defending the walls of the fair village from the onslaught."

Rock Lee raised his hand and continued the story. Mustering up his best high voice, he began, "Tenten turned to Neji and said, 'Neji, the enemy are many and I am fearful- I can clearly see my death before my eyes, and before that fateful moment there is something I must confess! For all these nigh and many years, I have been secretly, deeply in love with you. Should we survive this horrific day, let me be your wife and I shall bear you 30 children! It would be most youthful!'"

Neji coughed and glared at his rival, who had a shit eating grin plastered to his face. Hinata raised her hand and continued in her best impression of Neji. "My dearest Tenten, forsooth, you have spoken the words that I was going to whisper in your ear. It seems that you have more balls than I. My dearest, let us survive this day and be wed!"

The room broke out into applause. Neji hid his face in his hands while Tenten patted Hinata on the back, as Tenten was a good sport (and was secretly pleased that Hinata considered her to have bigger balls than Neji). Kiba roared with laughter and raised his hand. "Ok, I can't let Hinata outdo me. Here's my first go at it. Ahem. Meanwhile, on the other side of the village, Sasuke approached Sakura, who was head of the med ward (I guess in addition to being an ANBU black ops) and was organizing the medical ninja. He cried, 'My dearest Sakura, verily you must marry me this minute for my heart is yours and Lady Ino is trying to shackle me with the chains of marriage. Will you take me, Lady Haruno?' Sakura looked at him and stated, 'Sasuke, you are a slut, you are totally gay for Naruto, and I'm dating the damn sexy ninja Rock Lee. So suck my nuts and go defend the village like you should be doing right now, instead of bothering me dobe. I ain't your fan girl no more.' Sasuke, defeated, left Sakura."

Rock Lee punched the air. "Nice Kiba, that was quite youthful! And now, allow me. On the front lines, Rock Lee, Kiba, Naruto, Shino, Tenten, Neji, Temari, Shikamaru, and Hinata kicked the crap out of the invading ninja. By the time Sasuke arrived, they were all dead and Sasuke got none of the glory. After the battle, there was much youthful rejoicing, yosh! In youthful passion, a double wedding was held for Rock Lee and Sakura, as well as for Tenten and Neji, and there was a tremendous amount of youthful drinking!"

Ino sighed. "And Sasuke spent the rest of his life old, alone, a virgin, in a house full of cats. The end."

Sakura giggled, "I think we just wrote the worst piece of shit fanfic ever...let's post it on the internet!"

"HOORAY!" Naruto yelled, "We are done with this freak show. Now pass the sake." He took a big gulp and then went up to Hinata, whispering in her ear, "You enjoyed that too much!"

Blushing stop-sign red, she replied, "Well, it was a happy ending for you- you ended up with a hot rich girl, and not as Sasuke's little bitch." Naruto's eyes widened. "Hinata, you are a nut when you're drunk. Come over here with me and I'll pour you some sake." Hinata nodded and sat close- very close- to Naruto.

Ino made her way over to Choji and poured him a drink. "Hey..." She said shyly.

Tenten elbowed Neji in the side. "Hey hot stuff, pour me some more sake." He rolled his eyes and complied.

Sakura went over to the computer and pressed publish. "Cha! We did it guys! We fucking rule!"


Lol, hope my boring snowed in day produced some amusement for ya:) If you like stuff like this, review and let me know! I'll happily oblige you with more fanfic:) Thanks so much for your reviews, they really make my day!