Well hello all you wonderful readers! I used my free time on this glorious memorial day weekend to finally, finally finish this epic fic. I didn't have it beta'd, so if you see mistakes, please let me know and I will fix them!
Thanks so much for all your reviews and support! Much love!
[Maude shows the porn video starring Bunny to the Dude]
Sherry in 'Logjammin': [on video] You must be here to fix the cable.
Maude Lebowski: Lord. You can imagine where it goes from here.
The Dude: He fixes the cable?
Maude Lebowski: Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey.
~The Big Lebowski
Hinata had two books in her hand; she kept looking betwixt the two, her brows furrowed, deeply in thought.
"Oi, Hinata-chan, what are ya looking at?" Hinata jumped.
"Oh. Hey Naruto-kun, you startled me." Here, Hinata sighed. "I'm having a dilemma."
"A what now?"
Hinata sighed again; her boyfriend was not the brightest crayon in the box. "I have a problem," she patiently reiterated.
Naruto narrowed his eyes, then came up from behind her and propped his head on her shoulder. "Er...Hinata-chan? You don't have a problem so much as two books of porn..." Naruto looked between the two books and blushed. "Um...hard core gay and lesbian porn to be exact...oi!" Naruto shouted as Hinata hit him over the head with one of her sordid books.
"Listen, this is serious. I've been debating this issue in my head for a week straight, and I totally can't figure it out!" Hinata wailed.
"Um...you can't figure out how to masturbate or something?"
Hinata chucked the second book at his head and moaned, "Naruto! I'm being serious here! I have a fucking problem!"
"Heehee, Hinata, believe me, you don't have any problems fu—"
She threw a paperweight at his head this time. "Baka. I'm really, really serious. I can't figure out which is hotter: lesbian porn or gay porn."
Naruto rubbed the growing bump on his head from the heavy paperweight and sighed. "I don't see how that's a problem. Why do you have to choose?" Naruto blinked owlishly and then added, "Wait, what about heterosexual porn? Why is that—"
Hinata broke in, "Dude. Hello? Gay and lesbian porn beat hetero porn any day. Any. Day."
Naruto made a face. "Are you saying—"
"Don't take it personally hon. Anyway, my deadline for my blog is up, and I have to write this article about the glory of pornography, but I still haven't figured out which is hotter. Damn."
Naruto sighed. "What would Jiraya sensei do...?" Naruto sighed again, then ventured, "Maybe you should ask Kakashi-sensei? He's kind of a porn expert..." But here Naurto trailed off, for when he turned around, Hinata was gone, a little cloud of dust left in her wake.
"WAIT! Hinata-chan! Don't talk to that perv without me!" Naruto called as he made a bee-line for the door.
Just as the two ninja were racing through the village, who should step into their path but Sasuke.
Hinata skidded to a stop so as not to plow into the Uchiha, but unfortunately, Naruto's reflexes were not as sharp, and he bulldozed right into his girlfriend; their combined momentum propelled them straight into the angsty Uchiha.
"Damn it! Naruto! Hinata! Get off of me!" Sasuke wailed from the center of the tangle.
"Sorry teme..." Naruto bleated sheepishly. After a few minutes, the three ninja extracted themselves from each other.
"Sasuke-no-jerkface, what do you want? Can't you see we're in a hurry? For Kami's sake, my blog is due tonight, and I still don't know what kind of porn is the hottest!"
Sasuke blinked in rapid succession, but finally decided to ignore Hinata's cryptic answer and instead replied, "Listen Hyuga, did you or did you not receive a ginormous shipment of award winning sake from me this week?"
"Oh. Shit. Yeah, I did..." Hinata mumbled.
"And did you or did you not promise to write that fanfic for me? That heterosexual fanfic that I requested, like, a month ago?"
Hinata heaved an epic sigh. "You...did...but—"
"No buts! I want my fucking fanfic!"
"NO BUTS! TURN AROUND, GO TO YOUR COMPUTER, AND WRITE MY FANFIC!"
"But my blog—"
"Your blog can suck my dick!" Sasuke wailed.
"Because lord knows no one else will..." Naruto murmured.
Hinata chortled while Sasuke roared, "DOBE!"
Naruto smiled uncomfortably. "Heh...heh..."
Sasuke crossed his arms and pouted. "Listen Hyuga, either my fanfic gets written tonight, or I'm repossessing your sake!"
"Oh shit muffins. That sake is my favorite...and it's a limited edition...shiiiiiiiiiiit."
Sasuke nodded. "Listen, I scored some speed off of the Suna kids. Why don't you take some of this," Sasuke murmured, handing a packet of pills to Hinata, "and you'll polish off my fic and your blog in one sitting. Everyone wins!"
Naruto's face fell. "Oi, teme, drugs are bad for you..."
Hinata considered the pills thoughtfully. "Hmmm...I didn't know Kankuro was prescribed Adderall for ADD... Well anyway, this might be just the inspiration I've been looking for... Alright, I'm going to write your fic right now, but I'm telling you Sasuke, the reason I've been having trouble writing in the first place is because you insist that it be hetero, whereas we all know that you're—"
"I'M NOT GAY!"
Hinata waved diffusively. "Fine, fine, I'm going. Naruto, come and be my inspiration..." She took the blond by the collar and effectively dragged him back to her lair.
Sasuke stood watching them retreat with a look of relief on his face. Now that Sakura was in town, it was time to try to win her back from Gaara; because lord knew, she was the only girl with lousy enough judgement to actually sleep with him. And time was of the essence; they were approaching Sasuke's 15th birthday, and with the life expectancy for shinobi being as low as it was, Sasuke did not want to die a virgin...
Meanwhile, back at the Akatsuki cave of doom and gloom...
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT! THE! FUCK! ITACHIIIIIIIII!" Hidan roared as he checked his email. He had initially been thrilled to see the amount of 'fan mail' filling up his inbox, but as he read the messages, it became increasingly clear that the emails were instead ridiculing the Jashinist over the inglorious depiction of Hidan in 'Sasuke's' latest fanfic. But of course, if you will recall, dear reader, Itachi, Pein, and Konan had actually written that deprecating fic about Hidan and had misattributed the work to Uchiha Sasuke on fanfiction dot net...
"Hidan-san, what ever is the problem?" Itachi asked as he glided into the room, his tone even and betraying none of his emotions.
"YOUR LITTLE BROTHER IS THE PROBLEM UCHIHA!"
Itachi didn't so much as blink. "Sasuke is always getting himself into trouble. He's such a foolish little brother. What did he do this time?"
Hidan took a deep breath to steady himself, but despite this, his words still came out in all capital letters. "THAT LITTLE ASSWIPE WROTE A FIC ABOUT ME! A MEAN FIC! ABOUT ME BEING *choke* GAY!"
Just then, Pein entered Hidan's room, closely followed by Konan. "What's all the racket Hidan? Some of us are trying to stream the new Bleach episode..."
Itachi nodded approvingly. "Good for you Pein-sama, the Bleach filler right now is much better than that garbage they're currently airing for Naruto."
Konan chimed in, "Isn't it funny how Bleach filler is even better than Beach canon? I just love how—"
"GOD DAMN IT YOU ARE ALL MISSING THE POINT!" Hidan roared, before continuing in an undertone, "Besides, Bleach is for pussies."
Konan winced. "Geez Hidan, stop capitalizing everything all the time; it's harshing my mellow. Plus, obviously, you have no taste: Bleach fucking rules."
Pein nodded and added, "Konan's observations about Bleach are totally right on. In fact, why is it, when the new Bleach comes out, that you are always, always making some kind of racket? Could you please let us watch anime in peace—"
"NONE OF THAT MATTERS! MY IMMACULATE REPUTATION HAS BEEN TARNISHED!" the irate criminal called.
Itachi, Konan, and Pein all sweatdropped. "Um...immaculate reputation?" Konan mumbled, "That's just as unlikely as your immaculate conception..."
Thankfully, Hidan was too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag to hear her. The three other ninja watched on in morbid fascination as Hidan calmed himself down via a dessicated old lunch bag and finally ventured, "That's it. Itachi, your brother's ass is grass and I'm a lawn mower."
Itachi scratched his head. "That sounds...er...sexual. And wrong."
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT YOU FUCKING POMPOUS PSYCHO KILLER!"
"That's the pot calling the kettle black," Konan murmured.
"I FUCKING HEARD THAT!" Hidan roared.
"Can we go back to the time when you spoke in lower case letters?" Pein asked menacingly, fixing Hidan with his rinnegan of doom.
Hidan gulped. "I'm just really fucking MAD. I mean, WHO does he fucking THINK he IS? I'm as heterosexual as they fucking come; if anyone is gay, it's your gay fucking little brother, Itachi!"
Itachi nodded gravely. "I don't doubt you, Hidan-san."
Konan whispered to Pein, "At least Hidan has stopped shouting...mostly..."
The three ninja stepped back as Hidan rose and picked up his scythe from its hook on the wall. "That's fucking IT! I'm going over to Konoha RIGHT FUCKING NOW and ripping Uchiha Sasuke a new ASSHOLE!"
In an uncharacteristic display of mirth, Itachi started tittering. Hidan froze and regarded Itachi cooly. "What is so FUNNY Uchiha?"
Itachi schooled his face to be smooth. "I'm sorry...but that sounded vaguely...sexual...and...gay...again..."
"You know what?" Hidan hissed, "SCREW YOU GUYS! I'M GOING TO FUCK KONOHA UP BY MYSELF!" Hidan stomped out of the Akatsuki lair and stormed off towards the Village of the Hidden Leaf. When the three co-conspirators heard the front door slam, and a string of expletives slowly fading with distance, they let out a collective laugh.
"Itachi-san, that was brilliant!" Konan beamed.
"I just hope he gets himself killed so we can go on permanent Hidan vacation," Itachi mused.
Pein nodded, but ventured, "Aren't you a bit worried about your little brother, Itachi? After all, Hidan is quite a bit miffed."
Itachi shrugged. "This will just be another obstacle Sasuke will have to overcome. It's...all part of my plan to make Sasuke stronger."
Pein looked at Itachi and blinked. "That's bullshit. You are just one sadistic fuck."
Itachi shrugged again. "Yep. That's probably true."
Konan laughed at that. "Oi, I'm going to pop some popcorn, and then let's finally watch Bleach in peace and quiet!"
Her offer was met by a chorus of "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
Back in Konoha...
Hinata was hunched over her computer and sweating profusely. "Oi, Hinata, I think you took too much Adderall..." Naruto ventured, concerned for his perverted girlfriend.
"I'll be fine, just fine, yes yes just fine. Ok, Naruto, start reading the first line of, 'She's got a Nice Kunai Rack,'" Hinata replied, a bit too fast and jittery for his poor ears.
"Aw, Hinata, that porn's no good. Why don't you plagiarize from 'Shuriken Sluts Nine,' that one is waaaaay better."
"Yeah, you're right, but if I copy from 'Shuriken Sluts Nine,' everyone will know I committed plagiarism; after all, that one's been circulating around the jonin office lately... Let's compromise, what about lifting from 'Mist Kunoichi do it in the Rain,' that second chapter about mud wrestling was pretty hot..."
Naruto sighed. "Oh, ok, I guess..."
Just then, a bird alighted on Hinata's windowsill. "Oh fuck me with a rusty dildo. There's an emergency meeting at the Hokage's office NOW? Why, oh why, oh why oh why oh why—"
"Hinata, I really think you need to—"
"Lay off the pills!"
Naruto and Hinata looked at each other, before both blurting out, "What?"
They both shook their heads. Naruto took Hinata's arm and called, "Let's go Hinata-chan. We'll write the Teme's fic tonight for sure! Dattebayo!" He flashed her his iconic, confidence inspiring, grin.
Hinata sighed. "Ok. Gah. Let's go..."
The two ninja sped off for the Hokage's office; when they arrived, they found that the room was practically bursting at the seams from all the ninja squished inside of it. After much grumbling, Hinata and Naruto made their way to the front, where they were accosted by Uchiha Sasuke.
"How's the fic going?" their client asked anxiously.
"It's good, good, good, never been better, oh yes oh yes!" Hinata yelped.
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Um...I think you popped too many pills..." Sasuke mumbled, slightly afraid of how tweaky Hinata was acting, with her twitching eyebrows and that wild look in her eyes.
"SILENCE!" Tsunade-sama bellowed, and a hush immediately fell over the crowd. "We've just gained intel from one of our spies *cough cough, Itachi just texted me, cough cough* that Hidan, of the Akatsuki, is coming to attack the Leaf!"
"What!" the crowd shouted as one, flabbergasted.
"SHUT UP!" the Hokage roared.
"We're sorry..." the crowd moaned.
"You bloody well should be! Gah! Anyway, we have reason to believe that Hidan is here to extract his revenge on you, Uchiha Sasuke!"
Da da da!
A silence descended upon the crowd; you could have cut the tension in the room with a proverbial butter kunai. Finally, Sasuke squeaked, "Me? What did I do?"
The Hokage seethed, "My informant *cough cough, Itachi, cough cough* has reason to believe that you wrote a naughty fanfiction story about Hidan, and now the immortal Akatsuki member is quote, 'Coming to chop off that fucking Jashin forsaken Uchiha's balls', end quote."
"Whoah Teme, that's rough. Do you think your voice will go up an octave when they chop off your ba—"
"DOBE, SHUT THE HELL UP! HOW CAN I REBUILD MY CLAN IF THAT PIECE OF SHIT CHOPS OFF MY BA—"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, NARUTO, SASUKE! Before I castrate BOTH OF YOU MYSELF!" Tsunade screamed. The two subjects of her ire paled significantly.
"The village is now going under red alert. Shizune, give out the mission scrolls!"
"Yes ma'am!" the thin medic yelped, practically tripping over herself in her haste to give out the aforementioned scrolls.
The crowd began to murmur, and Tsunade called, "Uchiha Sasuke, get your ass up here."
"Tsunade, I swear I didn't write—"
"Sure you didn't sweetie. That's why the damn tag line says, 'Written by the fabulous Uchiha Sasuke!'"
Tsunade shook her head. "Everybody, have you seen the fic Sasuke wrote about Hidan?"
The crowd shook their heads.
"Hinata, get up here and read the fic from my laptop! NOW!"
"Eeep! Yes'm!" Hinata nearly jumped out of her skin as she twitched her way up to the Godaime's desk. Hinata cleared her throat and began reading, "Ahem. 'The Lion, The Witch, And Naruto,' written by the fabulous," and here Hinata coughed before continuing, "Uchiha Sasuke."
"I DID NOT WRITE THAT!" Sasuke cried.
The Hokage speared him with a glance. "Then why is your name on it?" Tsunade asked, the threat of violence dripping from her voice.
"I...I've been framed! You've got to believe me!" Sasuke yelped.
"Eh...no offense Sasuke, but you have a bad track record for telling the truth..." Sakura muttered from across the room, her arms entwined with Gaara; the latter looked very smug at Sakura's comment.
"Everyone, shut up, and let Hinata read!" Tsunade yelled.
Hinata began reading very, very quickly. When it was done, there was shocked silence in the room.
"Oi, Teme, you're a pretty good writer!"
"Naruto, I did not write that!"
"SILENCE Uchiha, you are guilty until proven innocent! Now tell me, how are you going to fix this?" Tsunade hissed.
Hinata's speed addled mind started turning faster than a hamster wheel at three in the morning. "Tsunade-sama! I! I have! I HAVE AN IDEA!" Oh yes, Hinata was going to kill two birds with one stone, and she was still going to have time that night to write her porn report! Genius!
"Tch, what is your idea, Hinata?" Sasuke asked with a small amount of trepidation.
Hinata smiled wildly. "Here's the plan..."
When she was done, Shikamaru, who hitherto had been silent, nodded his head. "Oi, Hinata...I think that's a great plan!"
"ARE YOU DAFT?" the Uchiha bellowed. "I CAN'T DO THAT!"
"You can and you will Sasuke! Now go, my minions, go!"
Sasuke, in a fit of anger, activated his curse-mark, morphed into bat boy, and flew out of the window.
Hinata blinked. "Did anyone else just get a mental image of the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys of doom?"
"Do I have to do this?" Sasuke moaned. He was dressed in a tuxedo and was holding a bouquet of roses.
"Yes. Yes, you do," the Hokage barked.
Behind him, all of Konoha tittered.
They were standing on the battlements, and in the distance, one could faintly hear the wisps of someone screaming, "Fuck that! Oh shit! Fuck! Asshole! Douche nozzle!"
Tsunade nodded sagaciously. "That must be him. Get going Uchiha."
Sasuke sighed. "Fine. Tch." He forced chakra into his feet and leapt down from the wall, then ran at full speed towards his impeding, cursing doom, otherwise known as Hidan.
"FUCK YOU JASHIN DAMNED UCHIHA I WILL HAVE YOUR...what...what are you doing?"
Sasuke sighed and got down on one knee, then procured a piece of paper from his breast pocket. He cleared his throat and began, "Dear Hidan, in Konoha, we have a tradition of writing fanfiction in order to...*cough, cough* woo. I am truly sorry if I offended you in any way, and so, I have written a new piece of fiction in order to appease you and to assure you of my true intentions, as well as to offer you these flowers."
Hidan scratched his head; he wasn't really sure what the word "woo" meant, but it seemed like the Uchiha was apologizing with a story. How...bizarre. Konoha was a strange place indeed. But he liked the flowers; they were red, like fresh blood, the color most pleasing to Jashin! Hidan shrugged his shoulders and decided to give the guy a chance. "Well...I guess you could fucking read me your fucking story before I fucking sacrifice you to Jashin. It's only fucking fair I suppose..."
Sasuke paled slightly and began, "Hidan, the most brilliant and handsome member of the Akatsuki, had a problem. His cable had gone out." Hidan nodded approvingly; so far, the story was an accurate portrayal of reality. "This was a real pain, because his favorite TV show was going to be on later that evening, and he did not want to miss it. Thusly, he called his local cable repair man, Uchiha Sasuke."
"Oi, Uchiha, you are a fucking cable repair man?"
Sasuke took a deep breath. "No...I'm actually a ninja. But this is fiction, remember?"
"Um...right..." Hidan was severely confused.
Sasuke shook his head and continued, "Hidan was pleasantly surprised that the cable repair man came on time—"
"Oi, fucking, can you be a shinobi and a fucking cable repair man?" Hidan queried.
Sasuke blinked. "Uh...I guess...um...anyway, Sasuke entered Hidan's house. Hidan remarked, 'Oi, I'm fucking surprised that you're not wearing a shirt, Sasuke. I see that my revolutionary fashion sensibilities are catching on in Konoha.'
Sasuke nodded and replied, 'I've been a big admirer of yours, actually...actually..." Sasuke trailed off and closed his eyes.
"Listen Uchiha, I'm still fucking pissed at you. If you want to read your shitty-ass apology story before you fucking die, then fucking hurry up."
Sasuke gulped. "Listen...can I just get help with this one? I'm not...an orator."
Hidan lifted an eyebrow. "Um...fucking...I guess so..."
"HINATA! HINATA, GET YER ARSE OVER HERE!" the Uchiha called, close to hysterics. The Hyuga bounded down from the wall and leapt into the middle of the field.
"Who the fuck are you?" Hidan asked.
"Oh, just a famous blogger!" Hinata remarked cheerfully. "You might know my penname, 'WhiteEyedLover,' I'm quite famous..."
"Oi, I read your blog every week! I can't wait to read your post tonight about porn!" the Akatsuki member gushed.
"Oh, a fan! That's just great. Well, I'm here as back up to help idiot over here," she gestured to Sasuke, "read his story aloud. May I?"
"Oh please fucking do!" the Jashinist replied, unable to contain his glee.
Hinata summarily grabbed the piece of paper from Sasuke's trembling hands and began, "Sasuke nodded and replied, 'I've been a big admirer of yours, actually. You're my hero!'"
The Jashinist chuckled at that and gestured towards his television. 'Well, do you think you'll be able to fix this?'
'I can do more than fix your television you know...' At that, Sasuke licked his full lips." Hinata paused in her reading to look over at Sasuke, who had turned a distinct shade of chartreuse, before continuing, "'What the fuck to you mean oh cable repair guy...?' Hidan asked casually."
Hidan broke in, "Oi, this better get good soon, I'm fucking bored."
Hinata grinned. "Oh, don't worry, we're almost there. Sasuke stretched languidly, his back muscles rippling, before reaching into his toolbox and withdrawing a can of whipped cream and spraying it all over his body."
"I think Sasuke just fucking passed the fuck out..." Hidan mumbled; indeed, the last of the Uchiha had just collapsed in a puddle of his own vomit.
Ignoring the interruption, Hinata continued, "Hidan murmured, 'Oh Sasuke, that was so fucking hot!'
The Uchiha moaned, 'Oh Hidan, I'm so in love with you! I can't handle your sexy scythe, the way you cover yourself in your victims' blood makes me so hot for you! For the love of Jashin, please fuck me—"
"WHAT THE FUCK!" Hidan roared. "Is this some kind of a sick joke!" Hidan grabbed the piece of paper from Hinata's hands and began scanning the rest of the document. "Then the Jashinist took the Uchiha in his arms— And then I did WHAT? Oh my fuck, I would never!" Hidan skimmed down farther and read aloud, "They pressed their mouths greedily together— For the fucking love of Jashin, who the fuck wrote this?" Hidan cried, gesturing wildly.
Hinata kicked the Uchiha awake, who pried himself out of his pool of throw-up, and wiping his mouth with his sleeve, muttered, "Hidan. I. Wrote. It. I. I... I LOVE YOU!"
Hidan threw the smutty papers up into the air where they fluttered to the ground and landed in Sasuke's upchuck. The Akatsuki member himself left a veritable jet stream in his wake as he escaped the gay clutches of one, mentally disturbed, Uchiha, and ran back to the Akatsuki cave of doom, where his comrades made his life a leaving hell, but at least no one ever hit on him.
Cheering rained down from the village wall.
"You did it Teme! You saved Konoha with your fanfiction!" Naruto wailed.
Sasuke threw up in his mouth a little more upon hearing all the cheering, and swore that he was going to go rogue again. Hinata wove a few hand-signs and cast a water jutsu at the village hero, soaking the poor ninja in an attempt to remove the copious amounts of vomit from his person.
Naruto dragged Sasuke to the center square, where they all had a party in his honor, and where many, very gay shinobi, tried hitting on the wan Uchiha.
First Rock Lee was rebuffed by Sasuke, the latter turning as green as Lee's jumpsuit at the jolly green ninja's indecent suggestion that his 'cable' needed 'fixing.'
Next, Kiba was summarily decked after he said something about showing the Uchiha how to do the Inuzuka's special kind of 'doggy-style.'
At this point, Hinata walked over to Sasuke and pointed towards him accusingly. "Listen Sasuke, you're never going to get a good guy in this town if you beat up prospective suitors."
"GOD DAMN IT HINATA! I'M NOT GAY!"
Hinata took the Uchiha by the collar and began to shake him violently. "Yes! YES YOU ARE! Why can't you get that through your thick Uchiha skull! Now you have all these fine men hitting on you, for Kami's sake, give the next one a chance!"
"Maybe..." Sasuke grumbled, trying to steady his nauseous stomach after the severe shake down.
"Gah! Well, I've written your fanfic for you—"
"Hinata! What you wrote for Hidan so doesn't count!"
Hinata rolled her eyes. "It's not my fault you didn't get to read the really smutty bits out loud! Then you would really be getting hit on right now!"
Sasuke was about to form an angry retort about how he was going to take away all of Hinata's precious, precious sake, when he was interrupted by Neji. "Um...excuse me Hinata-sama. May I have a word with Sasuke?"
Hinata blinked, then blinked again, then blinked some more. "Sure Neji-niisan..." Hinata backed away slowly, but stayed within hearing range.
Neji began, somewhat reticently, "It's come to my attention that you are trying to lose your virginity in a somewhat heterosexual fashion?"
Now it was Sasuke's turn to blink in rapid succession. "Um...yeah..."
"Would you possibly be interested in joining Tenten and I this evening...we...ah...need our...um...'cable' fixed..."
There was a moment of awkward silence.
"Um...sure...that would be...all right..."
Hinata's jaw dropped until it touched the ground. And then, a light-bulb went off in her head.
"Eureka! That's it! I've got it!"
Naruto sauntered over to his girlfriend and mumbled, "Um...what Hinata-chan?"
"The hottest porn! I know what it is!" she exclaimed jubilantly.
Naruto slapped his face. "That's what I've been trying to tell you all week!"
Hinata grabbed Naruto by the arm and began running towards her room, and ergo, her computer. "Come on Naruto, make a clone and help 'inspire' my blog post!"
Back at the bat cave...er, I mean, the Akatsuki cave, Itachi, Pein, and Konan were curled up on the couch enjoying a Bleach marathon, when all the sudden, who should barge in but our favorite Jashinist!
"FUCK! COCK SUCKING BADNESS! FUCK! SHIT TURDS! ASS! ASSSSSSSSSSSS!"
Konan rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry Hidan, was that last bit 'as,' or just 'ass' with way too many s's at the end?"
Ignoring her, Hidan ran to his room, slammed the door, and began sobbing like a little girl.
"Wow, looks like shit went down in Konoha...Zetsu? Zetsu!" Pein called in an authoritative voice.
The plant man materialized from the floor. "You rang?"
"Did you record all that?" Pein asked.
"Oh my, oh my. Shall I project the film?"
Konan bounded off the couch and paused Bleach, then pulled down the projector screen.
About twenty minutes later, there was hysterical laughter emanating from the Akatsuki living room.
"Foolish little brother," Itachi began in between fits of giggles, "F-Foolish! L-Little b-brother! Whahaha!"
Konan wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Oi, Itachi, we should write another fanfic and attribute it to your little brother once more! Whahaha, let's write another one!"
Itachi shrugged, schooling his features to be smooth once more. "Meh. I think I'd rather watch Bleach..."
Pein nodded sagaciously. "That's exactly how I feel whenever I watch Naruto filler..." Their leader resumed the playback with some magical power of his purple ringed eyes, and the incredibly bad-ass group of ninja commenced with movie night, while Hidan cowered under his bed reading heterosexual porn to cleanse his mind of his Konoha encounter.
The end :P
a/n thanks for reading all! Please let me know your thoughts via your review:)