A/N: I started writing this a half dozen weeks or so ago, finished it, and then just… didn't do anything with it because I was unsure of whether or not it turned out ok. I'm still unsure but… I guess I'll let you all decide.
Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Merlin. The BBC networks have full rights. The only thing I possess is a rather large crush on Colin and a belief that Merthur and Colin/Bradley is really adorable. It seems to be enough for me.
Realizations Through Kisses
Arthur is all but certain that part of him should be affronted, borderline livid, really, because what Merlin is doing now is not something that he should be doing, at all (add a threatening, life-endangering growl here). Of course, that never has stopped the boy before. He has always been more than a little bit disrespectful, and ignorant to the protocol that comes with the entire servant-master relationship, though whether that has been from pure stupidity on his part, or just carelessness, Arthur still is not sure. He has always suspected that Merlin has a bit of a death wish.
He thinks that, if he is incapable of feeling anything that he should be feeling, such as outrage and livid anger and disgust, because really, does Merlin have no boundaries what so ever, than he should at least feel disappointment.
As first kisses go, it isn't the best. In fact, it may just be the worst kiss he has ever received. To be completely honest, if he takes the time to actually think about it, he may just come to the conclusion that this is the worst kiss in to ever be given or received anywhere, during any time period. (But he's not really thinking about it that much).
There is too much… everything, really, with the way that their teeth clank and grind together rather harshly, and the way that Merlin has no idea what the fuck he is doing with his tongue as he all but rapes Arthur's mouth in sloppy,, clumsy thrusts.
And then there is the way that there seems to be saliva everywhere… and Arthur really does not want to think about how it is sliding down both of their chins and making the kiss wet and fucking filthy, more dirty than anything Arthur has ever done (which just seems… odd, because this is just a kiss, and Arthur has done far more than this).
Plus Merlin doesn't really seem to know how he should be moving, much less where. He's all awkward, barely controlled movements and the energy that seems to be vibrating off of his skin all but reeks with his nervousness and reckless desperation. His hands are incapable of lying motionless, instead moving quickly from being tangled in Arthur's hair to digging into his shoulders like talons before they slide down his back, Merlin's long, skinny fingers scraping at his skin through his shirt and making him shiver violently (and he really isnot going to think about why he's shivering. He will just blame it on near death experiences and cold castle corridors). Finally, they slide back up to fist Arthur's hair once more, and Arthur grunts as he's pushed further into Merlin's clumsy embrace. It is as if Merlin is trying to glue Arthur to him, to make sure that he cannot flinch away or escape. It is like Merlin is trying to devour him as quickly and clumsily as he can before he loses his chance to and Arthur drags him off to the dungeons to be executed for molesting the Crown Prince.
But… this is Merlin, and yes, he should not be kissing the Crowned Prince, and he should not be acting so idiotically reckless, and he should not be acting as if he is about to die and as if this is his last chance to just feel (to taste, to touch, to smell…. to all but bury himself in the sensations, as Arthur is imagining that Merlin is doing).He should not be acting as if he is pouring his entire being into this one kiss that is making Arthur's head spin and leaving him incapable of feeling anything but Merlin, and thinking anything but MerlinMerlinMerlin. But Merlin rarely ever does what he should, and more than often chooses to do those things that he really should not do. In fact, he does not so much choose, because choosing takes time, consideration, and thought, as he leaps and throws himself into activities and discussions and just about anything else that he should not be involved in.
And Arthur is left helpless in the face of Merlin's reckless forwardness and chaotic desperation. Helpless in a way that Arthur has never allowed himself to be, because helplessness is all but equivalent to powerlessness. But Arthur cannot truly make himself care. Not right now. Arthur can do nothing more than pull Merlin as close to him as possible, to hold Merlin back just as tightly as Merlin is holding him (even though he should be pushing him away. Even though he should be jumping back and cursing and seizing Merlin and clobbering him for having the gall to… to do what he is so easily doing). Arthur can do nothing more than kiss Merlin back, no matter how filthy and un-prince like the kiss is turning out to be. He should be horrified over the fact that the spit that is slick and wet between them is just as much his as Merlin's. But he isn't.
Arthur has a feeling that he should be disgusted, or livid, or coldly, royally detached.
But there's something about Merlin.
And as they continue to kiss in the corridor not far from his room, Arthur begins to realize just what power Merlin holds over him.
Because Merlin does not just act as he should not.
He makes Arthur act in a way that he himself should not. He makes Arthur act as he has never allowed himself to… and there is no thought behind it, no plans.
It merely happens as if fate is laying down a path for them that has veered off the course that Arthur always thought he was destined to go down.
But it doesn't leave him powerless, as Arthur would expect it to.
Because while Merlin may have power over him, Arthur realizes that he has the same power over Merlin.
Arthur shoves Merlin against the stone wall as these thoughts hit him, piercing through the dazed chorus of MerlinMerlinMerlin that has become his thought process. But he isn't shoving Merlin away, because he moves with the slighter boy's clumsy stagger, plastering himself to Merlin's quivering frame.
"Am I going to die now Sire?" Merlin asks, and there isn't a trace of fear in his voice. Merely boldness, and pride, and something else that Arthur cannot quite decipher, though he suspects that it does further than disobedience, or if not further, than completely around that feeling, in a completely different direction, if that makes any sense.
Arthur's lips quirk into a smile. "That was pretty disgusting Merlin."
Merlin's eyes flair like molten gold. Arthur sees anger in them, and a bit of hurt. But there isn't any shame. Good.
"You're lucky that I am fond enough of you to show you the right way to do things."
Now Merlin's eyes flair with understanding, and an almost overwhelming relief. "When do I ever do things as you show me?" he asks. A challenge lights his eyes, like a fire, beautiful, dangerous, and almost compelling, and Arthur's heart clenches, because this is new, and overwhelming, and it should be forbidden to him. This is something that is labeled as "Things Arthur Pendragon Cannot And Must Not And Shall Not Do, That He Cannot Have."
Arthur smiles though, not caring, not knowing that he should care, because really, it just doesn't matter. "I think that, this once, you'll make an exception," he says, confident, and of all the things he should feel… those that he shouldn't are what leaves him feeling as if he can win a war and save a kingdom and become the type of great king so many believe he is destined to be.
And with those thoughts swirling around within his head, Arthur pulls Merlin into yet another sloppy (disgusting, but not quite so) kiss. He's determined to have this one thing, to have Merlin, even though he shouldn't.
Because, really... he shouldn't like the way that Merlin kisses him. But he does.
He'll just have to teach Merlin a few things. You know... just to make the kisses less embarrasing.
A/N: I should probably apologize for being gone for so long, and I will, because the fact is, I had no real reason to. Sometimes I just become unsure of myself, I guess.
Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this. Tell me what you thought please.