Disclaimer: I own the coffee maker. I do not own G.I. Joe.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The cry echoed throughout the Pitt. Storm Shadow, who had just been on his way to the mess hall, paused for a second before nimbly leaping into an overhead air vent. Whatever this was, it had better be worth missing breakfast. As he drew closer to the approximate origin of the ungodly noise, he realized that he did not smell anything. Normally at this time, he would smell –
"COFFEEEEEEEEEE!" Storm Shadow facepalmed. The day before, a Cobra spy had managed to infiltrate the Pitt and begin to sabotage the food supply. The only thing he had managed to do before he was caught was break all of the coffee makers. As Storm Shadow had this thought, his mouth fell open in horror. He had just reached the place the sound had come from, and, peering down into an office, saw none other than Scarlett O'Hara.
Hair disheveled and uniform askew, Scarlett looked like a rabid bear. Storm Shadow lightly dropped down into the office, knowing that today would be hell. Either being very brave or very stupid, he asked Scarlett how she was.
"Stupid *$#%^& Cobra! Just let me at the %$$#% spy for three seconds!"
"I don't think that would be such a good idea. We need him alive for questioning."
"Oh, I'd leave him alive all right. . . If he's dead I can't torture him."
"Want to have some green tea? Coffee's disgusting, anyways."
Two minutes later, Storm Shadow walked out of the office, hair windswept, telling himself never again to poke a rabid bear.
Are you sure this is going to work? signed Snake Eyes.
"Not positive, but I think it'll do," answered Storm Shadow. The two had just anonymously placed a large block of dark chocolate on Scarlett's desk. Coffee and chocolate came from the same plant, and Scarlett drank her coffee black, so the ninja were willing to try replacing coffee with dark chocolate while the coffee makers were being fixed. Breaker had promised to fix the machines, but there were more pressing issues at hand (namely, figuring out how an armed Cobra trooper had managed to sneak into the Pitt.) At the moment, the broken coffee makers were sitting on Breaker's desk waiting for him to finish running security scans and reprogramming systems.
Now all that was left to do was wait. . .
Scarlett sat down at her desk that afternoon, mostly recovered from her coffee-absent morning, when she noticed a bar of dark chocolate sitting on her desk with a note that simply said, "coffee replacement". She noticed how good it looked and remembered how much she liked dark chocolate. I should really save this for tomorrow. . .
Scarlett ate the bar of chocolate.
The next morning, there were still no working coffee machines. Scarlett had eaten the dark chocolate bar the day before, so there was no chocolate, either. Today was going to be another bad day.
She ate the chocolate bar yesterday.
"I already found out. What should we do?"
Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were at a loss as to what could replace coffee and chocolate. Tea had already been offered and refused. Chocolate would be eaten to quickly to last. Other options considered were—
"Not a viable option. I doubt pop would do anything other than clog the arteries, slow her down on the PT course, fill her body with useless sodium-saturated cra—
Not everybody has the same viewpoint as you, brother. Soda is unhealthy, but would you rather face the wrath of Scarlett sans caffeine? Besides, you didn't care about giving her dark chocolate.
"True, but I actually approve of dark chocolate in moderation. We can try coke, but I doubt it will work."
Scarlett was staring at the spot the coffee maker used to be, when she blinked and a bottle of caffeinated Coke appeared. At least, she could have sworn it had not been there the second before. Well, she was tired. . . Suddenly, Polly the parrot came screaming around the corner, chased by an angry Shipwreck.
"Get back here, you featherbrained. . . OW!" He had run into the table with the just-opened bottle of Coke on it, tipping the entire table and performing a spectacular faceplant. The bottle of Coke had flown across the room and landed—on a now soaking Scarlett. Shipwreck looked up and saw her glaring at him. "Oh no. . ."
Shipwreck limped into the infirmary with a look of great pain on his face, muttering, "Everyone was right, redheads don't have souls. . ." Lifeline took one look at him and started ranting about overly violent coffee addicts.
Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were patient by nature. They were trained ninja who could stay in one spot for hours, meditating. They were used to waiting in line at morning roll call. Now, they could not wait another day without working coffee makers.
"Breaker! When are you going to fix the coffee makers? YOU don't have to face an angry Scarlett, you can stay holed up next to your computers and she'll ignore you!"
"Relax, Storm. I fixed them right away, but no one came to get them. They're right here."
And you didn't say anything why?
"No one asked." Breaker suddenly had the urge to leave the room and get away from the two angry ninja. Fast.
The next morning, Scarlett O'Hara smiled when she saw the coffee machine on its normal table at the entrance to the mess hall. Her growing smile stopped, then faded into a scowl. No coffee beans. Across the room, eating breakfast, Snakes and Storm stared in horror at Scarlett. This was never going to end, was it?
Please. . . Don't kill me Scarlett. . . I was just joking, you still have your coffee, see? See. . .? GAAAHHHHH!