Disclaimer: I don't own Glee. Or Charlie teh Unicron.
"Hey, Blaine! Hey, Blaine, wake up."
Not again. Anything but going through it again.
"Blaine... sleepy head! Wake up!"
No... I refuse to go through such blatant torture twice!
"Blaine. Get up."
No, Wes. No, David. I'm not getting up under any circumstances.
"I'm not Wes or David! Blaine Anderson, wake up before I hit you with a frying pan!"
Blaine groaned as his eyes flickered open. He wouldn't remember these moments later in the day; that's the way the Human brain was wired. Not quite awake, yet not asleep any longer. Just hovering in between. Not day, not night... but Twilight. Amazing how some of the deepest thoughts occur during this time, not to be remembered when the sun rises.
And then Twilight was over like that, not a moment too soon, but still far too late. Blaine said the same thing when he went to see the movie with his sister.
"...Hey Kurt," Blaine greeted hoarsely. "What are you doing in my Dorm room?"
"Well, gee," Kurt said, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. He even put a finger to his chin to feign deep thought. "It's only noon and everyone was wondering where you went. I figured I'd check out your room and lo and behold! You're still asleep! Get up, Blaine. Your teachers are pissed."
"Noon?" Blaine's voice cracked with the realization. "But... how?"
"You sleep too much," Kurt shrugged. He popped a Skittle into his mouth and chewed on it thoughtfully. Somewhere in the back of Blaine's mind, he wondered why Kurt of all people was eating candy. "I could never sleep until noon. That's half the day wasted."
"Even you'd sleep until noon if you'd been roughed up by the people you used to called friends. Thrice."
"I guess so," Kurt dismissed. He ate another skittle. "I'm sorry about that, by the way. It was fun while it lasted. I only wish there was more we could do."
"Don't wish anything like that! Wes and David have ears like owls, man!" Blaine sat up immediately and grabbed the front of Kurt's blazer. He was deranged and wide eyed. "They'll come up with something on the spot! They'll make my life hell for another day because you wished there was something more! Don't you realize what you've done!"
The door burst open.
"Blaine! Blaine!" came the familiar cry.
"I'd say that I absolutely despise you, Kurt Hummel, but I'd be lying. I just strongly dislike you at this point in time."
"I think I'll live. Watching this play out is too much fun." Kurt gave Blaine a quick pat on the head before moving out of his reach to observe.
Blaine looked at Wes and David as they came up to his bed. "What horrors are in store, now?"
"We've got to go. We're burning this place down."
Just as David said those words, a raging fire showed itself in the hall. The boys had thoughtfully left the door ajar so it could be seen. Blaine blinked for a moment, as did Kurt. He obviously wasn't in on this one. Good, that left more room for revenge.
"So... what about all the boys in Dalton?" Blaine asked in response to the fire.
"Well, clearly they're going to burn a lot!" Wes laughed. David looked at him with a furrowed brow.
"That's not very nice."
"Man shut the hell up!" Wes did a good diva attitude impression.
"You shut the hell up!" David did a better one.
"No, you shut the hell up!"
"You guys can both go and shut the hell up!" Blaine shouted. He wished he were in Twilight right now. His sister said the same thing when she dragged him to see the movie with her.
"I'm not talking to you, Blaine!" Wes turned the attitude on him now.
"RAINBOWS!" Kurt cried from the corner and threw the Skittles at them as though it was holy water and they were Demons. It was silent for a full minute before hysterical laughter broke among them. When it died down and everyone had wiped the tears away, it was Wes that spoke.
"We should get going."
"Yes, you should," Blaine managed, trying to catch his breath. Wes looked at him funny, as did David.
"No, we, Blaine. All of us. Let's go!" Wes and David grabbed Blaine's arms and pulled him out of the bed. Blaine tried to grip anything with his legs and yell for help, but no one seemed to hear. Or care. And so they dragged him out of the room and in the direction away from the fire, with Kurt on their tails.
"Holy crap, we're on the roof."
And they were. All four of them.
"Oh God! I'm falling! I had so much to live foooor!" David shouted as he fell off.
All three of them.
"That's... unfortunate," Kurt said. He looked like he meant it, too.
"Not as unfortunate as your face!" Wes dissed.
"Oh, come on Wes. Completely uncalled for," Blaine stepped in.
"Your face is uncalled for!"
"Hey guys!" David waved, back on the roof with them.
"Where the hell have you been?" Wes yelled like a wife to a husband..
"Oh, you know. Saw a movie. Got some coffee."
"I want to see a movie! Did you think of getting me some coffee?" Wes looked close to tears at this point.
"I could watch Harry Potter again," Blaine pitched in. He wanted Wes to win this, because they might get something out of it. Such as being able to go back to sleep.
"I could go for a Nonfat Mocha," Kurt followed Blaine's lead. Now that he was on the receiving end of stupidity, it wasn't as fun.
"Well you can't come, you sons of bitches!"
"Hey, look, it's that goody-two-shoes Warbler Council punk."
"He owes me twenty bucks!"
"Hey, Thad!" Wes yelled, going gangster. "Yo, Thad!" Thad was lying on a couch and was pale as a sheet. He was still in his pajamas, like Blaine, but for a completely different reason. He looked like he could use some Pepto and soon.
"Urrghanaaahh," Thad groaned. His stomach pitched in with a well-placed grumble of stomach acid.
"...What the hell did he just say?" Wes asked David.
"Man, I have no idea."
"Blurrrgaaannhh," Thad tried again, rolling over with the effort. Kurt thought it wise to take a step back. Blaine noticed and looked at Thad again. He took a step back, too.
"Where's my money, Thad?" David asked again.
"Garrmmaah-aahh," Thad ended with a sound that was almost like tiny screaming. His stomach was definitely upset, and he looked ready and willing to puke on anything. But before he could, they were suddenly surrounded by orange and yellow flames.
"Oh crap. Fire's back," Wes stated.
"I want my twenty bucks, Thad!" David continued. They'd run later.
And Thad was on fire. It was oddly poetic in Blaine's mind, to see a friend burning and being too crippled to put it out himself.
"Oh no. Thad's on fire," David said with a smothered laugh.
"Aaargaahhhhaahhhrah!" Definitely painful sounds. Couldn't place whether or not if it was because of the stomach or fire, though.
"Stop, drop, and roll, man!"
"Well, here we are. In the courtyard."
"This is lovely!" Kurt beamed. They were looking down at the courtyard from the top of the steps. With a light blanket of snow, it really was a quaint place. "This a lovely place to eat lunch."
"Yep, yep. Should be nice," Wes conceded. Odd. "Except for the killer bees!"
Silence as they all stared at where Wes was pointing. Quiet. No movement. No one even blinked. They sat there for a full thirty seconds. Finally, Wes spoke, "There was suppose to be a swarm of killer bees there."
"Oh." Blaine really had no idea how to respond to that.
"We put a deposit down and everything!" David was pissed.
"Yeah, well, there's no bees there," Blaine said, still at a loss. Who buys bees to set loose in a school courtyard? Not only did that risk expulsion, but explaining it would be a disaster. Well, Headmaster, you see... My friends—more like the cause of my death, really—are absolutely insane and tried to torture me further than they did before with taking my homework and robbing me and shaving my head, you know?
Like anyone would believe that.
"I can see that, obviously!" Wes was pissed, too, now.
And like a grenade being thrown, a bee's nest landed by their feet. Even Wes and David jumped.
"Oh my God!"
"Oh, that scared the crap outta me."
"Well, there's the bees," David shrugged.
"Yep," Blaine agreed. They all stared at the nest.
"Behold the horror," Wes deadpanned.
"That is pretty scary," Kurt muttered. And just like that, bee upon bee upon bee flooded out of the nest to form a swarm around them. They scattered, each being followed by at least a hundred bees. They screamed and yelled and tried to take cover from the stings. And no one had any idea if they were allergic.
"Phew, good thing neither of us were allergic!" Kurt laughed. He earned a nice whack on the shoulder from Blaine, but they both laughed afterward. There was no sign of Wes or David. It was a nice moment of peace in their hectic lives at Dalton Academy, surrounded by mentally unstable teenage boys. It was an amazement to them all that none of them had been raped. Yet.
"Yeah..." Blaine scratched the back of his head. He still expected to feel hair. Beautiful, beautiful, insanely curly and hard to take care of hair.
"Why do you still have that on?" Kurt asked.
"Have what on?"
"The scalp cap," Kurt shook his head at Blaine's complete lack of attention to things going on around him. "The thing on your head covering your hair. You should take it off now."
Blaine looked at Kurt with wide eyes. He took in the words that were said and slowly, slowly reached up to his head. He was almost there now, just to see if Kurt was telling the truth. He was sure that he wasn't, why should he even bother humoring him?
"You're taking too long!" Kurt lunged at Blaine and took off what felt like a hat. Blaine shook his head violently and felt his unruly hair fall. He had to blink away the tears. As much as he hated combing through and gelling his hair intensely everyday, it's true that you don't know what you have until it's gone. Kurt seemed to pick up on Blaine's unstable emotions.
"You didn't think I'd really arrange cut off all of your sexy hair and put it on a mannequin, did you?" Kurt quirked a brow. Blaine noticed the "I". And Blaine just knew.
And Blaine kissed him. At first, Kurt was surprised, but melted like butter. Blaine was thanking him for everything. Everything. For taking him to a fake mountain closet to steal his homework, for calling him the Warbler King to rob him of his belongings (which he bought anew), for dragging him two hours to McKinley just to sing to him and rub it in the faces of everyone there, for faking the death of his hair, for being cunning enough to pin it on Wes and David. He loved that devious little bastard.
When they broke apart, Kurt was smiling. "Happy Birthday."
"Birthday?" Blaine screwed up his face in thought. It couldn't be his birthday, right?
"April Fools'!" Kurt cheered. Blaine was even more confused.
"That's not until tomorrow! Has this whole thing been an April Fools' joke?"
"No. I'm just messing with you. I did it because I see you, day after day, acting so... robotic. Wes and David, too. So I put a little something into Thad's chicken ("You didn't!") and made him sick so as to get this just right. Besides, it allowed for Warbler Practice to be canceled, which was a much needed break all around."
When Kurt finished his tale, Blaine wanted to kiss him again. And he would have, if a bus hadn't been crashed into the wall of the classroom they had taken refuge in. Both had fallen out of their seats by the time Wes poked his head out.
David poked his head out, too. "We just stole this bus!"
Blaine shook the debris out of his hair. Explaining this would be much harder than explaining the killer bees that were still wreaking havoc on anyone in the courtyard. "Why did you steal a bus!"
Both of them got out of the bus, but it was Wes who answered. "Who cares? GOD!"
"I have an idea, what if we all made out?" David's suggestion was met with blank stares. "Well fine!"
"Blaine, we've got to find the Warbler King."
"The Warbler King?" Blaine thought they'd been through this already. Wasn't he...?
"That dude is trouble! We're going to kill him!" David assured.
"I'd rather not get involved!" Blaine started to sweat. With the gleams in their eyes, he was sure they were serious. He could already map his escape—to Canada!
"Oh, you're involved alri—!" The bus exploded beside them. "HOLY JESUS!" They were on the floor in various brace positions as the bus and the roof started to fall in on them. Luckily, it stopped before it caved in completely. All of them looked up and had a silent agreement to get out of there.
Wes made it to the door first and opened it to be greeted with vibrant flames.
"Woah!" Blaine shouted, jumping back.
"No way!" David laughed.
"That crap's still burning!" Wes laughed with him. He shut the door and the roof whined at the mistreatment. Kurt and Blaine gulped, but Wes and David were still laughing.
"Okay, I think we can can this mission a success, boys!" Kurt smiled weakly, trying to get them to take this seriously. "You can be normal again!"
Wes looked at him funny. "Not sure what you're talking about."
"Me neither," David pitched in. They stood in silence for a moment. The roof continued to cave in inch by inch. Blaine was about to jump into the fire to get away from there when Wes went over to where the bus used to be.
"I'm hungry, let's find an Ihop." And he went through the hole with everyone else on his heels.
Yay for major damage to Dalton!
In case you didn't catch it, this is Charlie teh Unicron episodes 1 and 2 mixed together with explanations and a little Klaine love in there. I honestly couldn't resist. And so, I bid you all adieu with this lovely and liberating story. It was fun while it lasted, but now I must return to more important matters. I hope you enjoyed Blaine the/teh Unicorn/Unicron!
~ Official Stamp of K. K. Mitsu ~