Category: The Infernal Devices
Author: Mrs Pettyfer
To Have Lost Everything
Pairing(s): Tessa/Will
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: T
A/N: Just finshed Clockwork Angel and cannot wait for Clockwork Prince! This is a two part one-shot; first the prologue, and then the remaining of the story. This was inspired by Will's thoughts of losing everything and also Cassandra Clare's character Q&A roundup. If you didn't know, fans were able to ask the 'characters' questions and she responded in what they would say. Some quotes in the second part are direct answers from her tweets, which I will include in the bottom authors note. I hope you enjoy the story and as this is my first TID, I'd really appreciate feedback. Thank you!

NOTE: All characters and the world of The Infernal Devices belong to Cassandra Clare, not me. Also please do not repost this story and claim as your own anywhere else. I've had ripping issues in the past and would like to refrain from it again. Thank you.

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Maya Angelou

Prologue - I Have Lost Everything

"Then there is nothing more for me to say, is there?"

If not for years and years of practicing a calm composure and cold indifference, Will's blank expression might have faltered at the look on Tessa's face. Her usually warm grey eyes were lifeless, her pale skin looking ghostly against the burning sky. The expression was clear: broken, damaged and destroyed.

It wasn't until Will heard the click of the door that he was able to let out the breath he was holding. Somehow however, he still felt like he was choking.

His pale fingers loosed their grip on the railing in front of him; hands slightly shaken from applying such pressure. Will allowed his gaze to rip away from the door in which Tessa had gone through and fell over the swirling Thames below. He usually came to the rooftop of the Institute to clear his head but even as the air smelled of smoke and dirt, he doubted even in its most purest form it would be able to cleanse him.

He was poisoned, through and through.

A staggering sigh broke his lips. He knew by pushing Tessa away it was the worst and best thing he could do; best for her, worst for him. But the life ahead of him was already doomed so what did a little more pain really mean? Tessa would get over it eventually; they'd destroy Mortmain and that wretched Nathanial Gray and Tessa would be able to go back home to America, probably find someone she deserved and marry him.

Someone good. Someone who could love her without killing them on the inside.

Will swallowed what felt like shards of ice, tightening his fists against the railing. Any thoughts about Tessa with another man left him feeling hollow. Of course he couldn't have her, but if he had it his way then no one else would either. Will tried to imagine if Jem wasn't ill, if he would be okay if they got together. The resulting thought was an empty canvas, blank and dull without a splash of color.

He flat out couldn't imagine it. Jem was most definitely good enough for Tessa – better than Will was, for sure – but the mental picture wouldn't come to. Perhaps they'd spend time together now that Tessa was allowed to stay at the Institute and possibly grow closer.

It brought both pain and relief whenever Will thought of Tessa staying here; here, at his home. Relief because he could protect her, that she'd be safe from her lunatic brother; pain because every blissful moment he spent with her would only strike him back harder. Every day he grew closer he died a little on the inside and eventually, so would she.

A sudden flash from the other night hit him. Tessa, covered in blood and lying limply in is arms, the smell of salt and rust flaring his nostrils. Her tangled and scarlet stained hair, the way she looked at him when she said "you are real."

The way he had stared at her, the look in his eyes, spoke the words he wanted to say.

I love you.

And in that moment, Tessa knew it. She could read it plain as day on his face. That's why he had to break her, to cut her down and damage her beyond repair. Will had to erase what he had done, how he had let his walls down just long enough for Tessa to get inside, to see the truth that had been lingering within him since the moment he met her.

I have lost everything, he thought.

He had lost it all once. And he would lose it again. Even if it killed him, it was better than killing her too.


A/N: It's my personal belief that Will pushed Tessa away for a good reason. He was so awful to the point that I found it if he HAD to push her away. I'll inclue my theory as to why in the second part. What do you all believe? I'd really like to hear your theories..I'm dying to know more about Will's past, personally.

Also if you remember when Will was holding her in the fountain, his inner thoughts say 'the words were there.' It was my belief the words were that he loved her, but I'd love to hear you

Reviews are MUCH appreciated. Especially since it's my first time writing Will/Tessa. Check out my survival/action/romance fic Hunted if you want some Clary and Jace. If you like the movie Predators, you'll very much enjoy it. It's centered around putting all the characters somewhere remote as they're hunted down one by one. :)