The Facebook of Westermarsh

So I got impatient waiting for the Hobbit film, so I hacked Bilbo's facebook account to bring you this! This all happened about fifty years before the events in The Lord of the Rings, so really Bilbo should be using something more old-school (like a myspace page?) however Facebook works the best so Facebook it shall be.

Just what I need - another fanfiction when I'm already so slack at updating. Oh well, reviews = motivation! Thanks very much to those kind reviewers who encouraged the Hobbit version, the most recent being Daisymall!

Some dialogue (mis)quoted from Tolkien's The Hobbit. I don't own any thing of Tolkien's.

Bilbo Baggins is on Facebook.

Bilbo Baggins: This is great! I can talk to people all day, without leaving my comfortable hobbit hole! I can even talk with my mouth full. Truly, Facebook is made for Hobbits.

Bilbo Baggins is now friends with Hamfast Gamgee and 473 other hobbits.

Bilbo Baggins is now grudgingly on speaking terms with Lobelia Sackville-Baggins

Bilbo Baggins listed Lobelia Sackville Baggins as his confounded relative.

Bilbo Baggins: LOL at how complex they had to make the 'list your relations' feature for the Hobbit version of Facebook.

Twenty-Three Hobbits like this

Hamfast Gamgee: They have a long way to go yet, they've only got so far as 'second-cousin twice removed' but it doesn't say as whether it's on your mam's side or your dad's.

Bilbo Baggins: Yes, but they've only just introduced it- I expect they'll get it sorted out in the next update.

Hamfast Gamgee is now playing Arda Farms and Garden Online!

Bilbo Baggins: What a fine morning for blowing smoke rings! Very proud of my smoke rings :)

Bilbo Baggins added 'fancy handwriting, fancy waist-coasts, breakfasts, walking, old runes and maps, pipeweed, smoke rings, elevenses, Facebook and dinners' to his interests.

Bilbo Baggins commented on his interests: but not adventures. Nasty, uncomfortable things! Make you late for dinner!

Hamfast Gamgee added 'Gardening, potatoes, wine, hobbit sense' to his interests.

Bilbo Baggins changed his location to 'A Hole in the Ground, Bag End, Hobbiton, the Shire..'

Bilbo Baggins commented on his location: not a nasty, dirty, wet hole of course

Hamfast Gamgee: what's so unusual about living in a hole in the ground? Nothing wrong with that. That's good hobbit-sense

Lobelia Sackville Baggins: And one day, it will be MY hole.

Bilbo Baggins: I wish I'd never started this talk of holes... Most uncomfortable.

Bilbo Baggins is now friends with A Strange Old Man

Bilbo Baggins wrote on A Strange Old Man's wall: Good morning!

A Strange Old Man wrote on Bilbo Baggins' wall: Do you mean that you think that this morning is good, or that this is a morning to do good in, or that you are wishing me a good morning whether I want it or not?

Bilbo Baggins wrote on A Strange Old Man's wall: Why, all of them at once!

Bilbo Baggins: It was such a nice morning for smoke rings... now everything's getting a bit weird :(

A Strange Old Man changed his name to Gandalf!

Bilbo Baggins: Not the Gandalf? WTF? FML.

Bilbo Baggins added 'Gandalf!'s fireworks' to his interests.

Gandalf! likes this.

Gandalf! commented on Bilbo's Interests:Well, at least you remember my fireworks kindly.

Bilbo Baggins invited Gandalf to the event 'Gandalf Tea Wednesday.'

Bilbo Baggins: time for a little calming something to eat...

Hamfast Gamgee likes this.

Gandalf! hacked Bilbo Baggins' facebook account and changed his name to Bilbo Baggins the Burglar

Gandalf! changed the name of the event "Gandalf Tea Wednesday' to 'Meeting of Conspirators'

Gandalf! invited Thorin Oakenshield and twelve other friends to the event 'Meeting of Conspirators'.

Bilbo Baggins the Burglar: What happened? I sound like something out of a happy families game.

Hamfast Gamgee: I like the Hobbit version of that game- it can go on for hours.

Bilbo Baggins the Burglar changed his name to Bilbo Baggins.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh, crap. It's awful when you make an event, and you forget to list it as 'private', and suddenly twelve people show up and have a party on your lawn.

Hamfast Gamgee: That's not something you've done since you were an irresponsible tweenager.

Bilbo Baggins: Oh goodness! Uninvited dwarves!

Bilbo Baggins is now friends with Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and especially Thorin Oakenshield.

Bilbo Baggins: this IS an unexpected party. Confusticate and bebother these party guests!

Thirteen dwarves added 'mysterious music about gold and dragons' to their music

Bilbo Baggins joined the group 'Adventuring Party'

Bilbo Baggins: it might be quite nice to wear a sword instead of a walking stick... I think I'm feeling a little Tookish ..

Gandalf!: Strange... why should the word 'Took' fill me with foreboding? As if it's going to cause me all sorts of trouble later on?

Thirteen dwarves like 'the dark'.

Bilbo Baggins: AAArgh! Struck by lightening! This is all too much for me!

Gloin: That hobbit looks more like a grocer than a burglar.

Gandalf!: I have chosen Mr Baggins to join your treasure-hunting expedition, and that ought to be enough for you!

Gloin: well, all right. If you insist.

Bilbo Baggins listed Bullroarer Took as his great-great-great-grand-uncle.

Gandalf! gave Thorin Oakenshield 'A Map With A Secret Entrance'

Thorin Oakenshield likes this.

Bilbo Baggins: ooh, I do have a hangover. What happened last night?

Bilbo Baggins: I joined a treasure-hunting expedition? To steal gold from a dragon? I'm never inviting dwarves around again!

Hamfast Gamgee disapproves of this.

Bilbo Baggins: I forgot my pocket-handkerchief!