Sweeney Tot – The Demon Potato of Sainsburys

Chapter 1 - No Place Like Sainsburys

It was a cold, dark night when the box was loaded into Sainsburys storage, ready to be unpacked the next day. There were hundreds of crates there, but only one was opened that night.

The tops of the crate slowly lifted and a small, round apple named Anthony slipped out, gazing in wonder at the large storage room.

"I have sailed the groceries, beheld their wonders,

From the Aldis to the tills at Lidls,

But there's no place like Sainsburys!" he sang, still in awe at what he saw.

Suddenly, there was a potato standing beside him, angry at what he was viewing. "No there's no place like Sainsburys!" he cried, fiercely.

"Mr Tot?" Anthony the apple asked worried for his usually much calmer vegetable.

"You are ripe," Mr Tot sang, not meeting his gaze. "Yo"Life has been kind to you."

"You will learn!"

"There's a hole in world filled with fruits with pits,

And the veg of the world inhabit it,

And its produce aren't worth what a pig could spit,

And it goes by the name of Sainsburys.

At the top of the aisle sit a nice, ripe few

Making mock of the others just like me and you,

Turning tasty to filth and mush,

I too have seen the groceries and all their wonders,

For the cruelty of veg is a wondrous as Aldi,

But there's no place like Sainsburys!"

Sweeney Tot looked forward, not even looking at the young apple as he spoke. "I beg your indulgence, Anthony, my roots are far from easy… it's in this eerie supermarket that I feel shadows everywhere…"

Anthony looked up at him, curiously. "Shadows?"


"Ghosts of…vegetables?"

Sweeney Tot did not answer, but instead looked out further, but more solemnly as he sang;

"There was a tatty and his wife,

And she was nutritious,

A foolish tatty and his wife,

She gave him goodness to a great life,

And she was nutritious!

And she was good for you,

And he was a spud…

There was another veg who saw,

That she was nutritious,

A pious eggplant of the law,

Who, with a gesture of his stalk,

Removed the tatty from his bowl,

And all of his took its toll,

And she would fall, so ripe, so nice, low price,

And oh so nutritious!"

Anthony was really interested now. "And the fruit, sir? Did she succumb?" he asked, eagerly.

Sweeney looked at him. "Oh, that was many years ago," he whispered, so low Anthony could barely hear.

"I doubt if anyone would know…" Sweeney Tot stopped in his tracks, and turned around finally facing Anthony for the first time. "I'd like to thank you, Anthony Apple," he sighed. "If you hadn't spotted me, I would still be rotting in that cupboard now."

"Will I see you again?" the young fruit asked, and Sweeney did not reply for a while.

"You might find me if you like," he answered, turning again. "Around the fruit aisle, I wouldn't wonder."

"Well…until then, my friend." He stuck out his small arm, but Sweeney Tot had already moved on, toward the actual shop. As he walked, he sang, grimly;

"There's a hole in the world filled with fruits with pits,

And it's filled with sprouts that smell like shit,

And the veg of the world inhabit it…"

And with that, Sweeney Tot returned to his hated Sainsburys ready for revenge, and murder. He made his way quickly and quietly towards the fruit section…