Title: Substitutions
Author: Forsaken2003
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own none, all belong to Joss Whedon
Comments: Always welcomed!
Summary: Xander has a unique way for dealing with vamps on patrol
Warnings/Spoilers: None
Beta'd by: Whichclothes
Prompt #244 from tamingthemuse – nonsense

There was a flu epidemic in Sunnydale and all the Scoobies besides Xander had been bedridden for the last three days. So Xander was stuck doing patrol alone. He sighed to himself; usually he would be out with Spike as they tracked down any new demons or vampires but Spike was off in LA for the last week helping Angel with a demon problem of his own.

"I don't know why Angel needed Spike. He has his own gang to help with the demons! I don't have anyone watching my back," Xander complained as he fiddled with his stake. "He takes my vampire away and now patrol is fucking boring!"

"I can help with that," a low voice said from behind him.

Xander turned and saw a vampire behind him, fangs glistening from the street lights. He dropped his stake cursing himself for playing with it. How many times had Spike yelled at him for fiddling with it? "Erm… hi!" Xander stuck his hands in his pockets.

"So you're William the Bloody's pet?" the vampire asked with interest as he circled Xander. "I'm debating about turning you to show him who really is the Big Bad or if I should just take you as my very own pet."

"Well if I get a vote I have to go with… neither," Xander declared and pulled his hand out of his pocket and threw something into the vampire's face.

The vampire screamed and howled in pain as his hands scratched and rubbed at his face. "What the fuck did you do?" he cried out in pain.

Xander rubbed his hands free of powder. "Sorry, I was out of garlic. I really need to go shopping. Who knew garlic powder would work just as well?"

"Garlic powder?" the vampire sputtered. His eyes were red and watery. "I'm going to kill you!"

Before Xander could scramble to pick up his stake the vampire was dust. "Huh… I didn't know garlic could make a vampire go poof."

"It can't, you nit," Spike said, a stake in his hand and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "Garlic powder? What in the blazes have you been smoking to think up that nonsense?"

"It's not nonsense if it works," Xander claimed and pocketed his stake. "Admit it you're impressed."

Spike snorted in disgust. "You didn't even know it would work! There is the nonsense. And why the hell did you go on talking instead of picking up your stake… which I know you were playing with… and just staking him?"

"Because I was excited," Xander explained and stepped over the pile of dust and pulled Spike into a heated kiss. "And I wouldn't have been playing with it if you had been here."

"Was here," Spike replied. "You need to pay more attention to your surroundings, pet. If I have to go away to help Peaches and I come back to find you're dead I'm gonna be pissed." He growled.

Xander grinned. "You'd be more than just pissed. You'd be crushed! You'd be the mourning widow."

"You are an idiot," Spike stated. "Now why the hell did you put garlic powder in your pocket?"

"Because I was bored and I wanted to use garlic. I had this dream once where I threw a whole garlic bulb at a vamp. Hit it right between the eyes," Xander said pointing at his own forehead. "Besides, wasn't it considerate of me to wait until you weren't on patrol with me to use garlic?"

Spike rubbed his forehead; he always fell for the loony ones. "Yes, luv, very considerate of you. I stand by my first statement. Nonsense! Don't do that anymore. From now on you use stakes, crossbows and occasionally holy water."

Xander pouted. "Fine."

"Don't pout," Spike said with a groan. "You know how much the lip turns me on."

Xander contained a grin and pouted even more. "Sorry, baby."

Spike pulled Xander flush against him. "You are an evil pet."

"I know," Xander said with a grin and a slight bounce. "Can we head home now?"

"Yes," Spike said and stepped away. "You have laundry to do!"

Xander's eyes widened in horror. He hated doing laundry. "But… sex!"

"No sex until you wash those trousers. That will teach you not to put sodding garlic in your trousers won't it?" Spike said and turned around, his duster flapping behind him.

"And I'm the evil one?" Xander grumbled. He stomped all the way home.

The End