DISCLAIMER: I don't own Degrassi or anything else.
So, sorry for the long wait between fics. I have had rampant writer's block. I have one more oneshot to write if I can make it work and then I'm hoping to do a sequel of sorts to I Thought I Saw Your Face Today which I'm pretty excited about.
This fic is dedicated by my husband, S, who for the first time, agreed to help me with some research. Hehe.
"Eeeeeliiii," I said, drawing out his name as I waved my hand in front of his face.
He snapped out of whatever daze he was in and grinned at me. "Sorry."
We were in his room, trying to work on our English essays, but every time I asked him a question, it would take me a full minute to get his attention. It wasn't because he was so involved in his work either; he hadn't typed a single word in more than twenty minutes.
"What is with you?" I asked. "You've been acting like a zombie all day. Even Ms. Dawes couldn't keep your attention."
"It's nothing…I just have some stuff on my mind." He wouldn't meet my eye.
"You know you can talk to me. If there's something wrong…"
"Nothing is wrong, Clare." He smirked briefly. "Trust me."
I kept glancing over at him as he stared at his laptop screen, still not typing anything in. He looked up at me and shut the screen.
"You're not going to let this go, are you?"
I shook my head.
He looked down at his hands. "I just had this dream last night, and it's kind of been on my mind and I'm having trouble concentrating."
I knew Eli hadn't been sleeping well since Fitz returned. One time he came over to watch movies and fell asleep on the couch. I let him sleep and he woke up an hour later, shaking and tense. He wouldn't tell me what the nightmare was about, but unfortunately with Eli, it could have been so many things. Fitz. Julia. Even something happening to me.
I scooted closer to him on his bed and put my hand on his arm. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked with a voice of concern.
Eli's eyes narrowed and all of a sudden he burst into laughter.
"You think…no…" He was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out. "It wasn't a nightmare. Trust me. It was so far from a nightmare it wasn't even funny."
I could feel my face turning red as I realized what kind of dream would be stuck in his mind. "Oh."
He wrapped his arms around my waist. "I was trying to spare you the naughty details, but if you still want to hear all about it…?" he teased.
"You can keep your perverted dreams to yourself."
He grinned. "Are you sure? In the dream, you were such a willing participant. In fact, much to my surprise, it was even your idea."
"Well just remember, it's not going to happen in real life," I said softly.
"Really? Even like 20 years from now?"
"Not unless I'm married," I reminded him.
He lay down against his pillows and pulled me so I was lying down next to him, nestled in his side. "So you're saying, you'd never consider marrying me?"
His tone was light, but I felt like our conversation was heading into dangerous territory. We hadn't talked much about sex, knowing that our opinions differed so vastly, and now we were talking about a time so far in the future it was impossible to know what would happen between us. "Sure I'd consider it. When we're out of college and have jobs and have gotten our lives settled."
He smiled and placed a kiss on my temple. "You know, we didn't even have sex in the dream."
"Because even in your dreams you have to control yourself?"
Eli laughed. "Well, the alarm went off before we could get to it. But what we did do was pretty incredible."
I wasn't sure I wanted to know what we did do. "Well I'm glad you can deal with your sexual frustration in your dreams, but just remember, it's not going to happen."
"I don't know," he said softly, turning his body to face mine. "I think this was something you might consider doing with me before we're married. Maybe not anytime soon, but certainly sometime in the future."
The look he was giving me killed me, his green eyes piercing as if he could see inside me and knew exactly how much I wanted him despite my many protests. "What did we do?" I whispered.
His breath was hot against my ear. "We took a shower together."
Oh my… My eyes widened. "We can't…I'm not…"
"Relax, Clare. I'm not expecting that to happen anytime soon."
But I couldn't relax because the thought of him and me and… It was too terrifying. "Anytime ever."
I couldn't miss the look of disappointment on Eli's face. "Ever?"
I turned away from him so I didn't have to look at him, and I felt his arm come around my waist and hold me close to him. He pushed my curls behind my ear and rested his lips against my shoulder. "Clare," he said gently.
His voice was soft and tender and it made me feel so awful for rejecting him. He had been so supportive of my beliefs, always stopping when I asked him to, and rarely even suggesting we do more. We had been dating for more than three months and I only recently allowed him to touch me underneath my shirt, not even daring to let him remove it. The thought of going so much farther scared me.
"I'm not….I'm not trying to pressure you. I completely respect the fact that you want to wait for marriage and that you want to take things slowly between us. That's part of the reason I didn't want to tell you about the dream, because I knew it would make things weird between us at this point in our relationship."
He took a deep breath and I felt his chest contract and expand against my back. "Will you tell me why you're so upset?"
Ugh. There were so many reasons. And none I could tell him.
I could feel him shake slightly against me as my silence made the situation even more uncomfortable. "It's not…It's not me, right? It's not that you wouldn't want to do that with me?" His voice broke a little and I knew whatever discomfort I was feeling, it wasn't fair for me to keep silent and let him think the worse.
I turned around and looked directly into his eyes. "It's not you, Eli. If…" I hesitated, willing myself to complete my sentence. "If I were going to do that with someone, I'd only want it to be you."
A light went back on in his eyes, though he was clearly trying to keep his happiness at bay. "Then what's wrong?"
I sat up and moved back so I wasn't touching him. I wrapped my arms around my bent knees and focused my eyes directly on his bedspread. "It's just…everything. I'm afraid of doing that with you because if we do, I'm going to want to sleep with you and I can't. I want to sleep with you now and we're just kissing and it's so hard to stop and if we were doing stuff like that I don't think I'd be able to."
I could feel the bed shift as Eli sat up but I still couldn't look at him. I continued, "And even if somehow I manage to keep my purity vow, and we don't go any further than that, showering together means I have to let you see me naked which is just terrifying. And I'm afraid that you won't like what you see, that I won't be as good as Julia, that I'm just this innocent little girl and that I'll never be sexy enough for you."
"Clare," he said softly, but I wasn't finished.
"And even if I get over that, if I get comfortable enough with you to take that step, how do I know when it's the right time? I always thought that waiting until I was married meant I wouldn't have to worry about that, that I wouldn't have to make these decisions. It would all happen on my wedding night. But now, there's just so much stuff between kissing and sex and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is there some sort of guide for this? Showers at six months and oral sex at one year? Most girls would have done that by now and I just can't. Because I don't know anything about this, Eli, and it scares me that you've already done everything and so much faster than you and I will do it and I'm holding you back and…" I let out a huge sigh and buried my face against my knees.
I felt his arms wrap around me and he pulled me so I was sitting on his lap. "Oh Clare, you're such a mess," he teased, kissing me on the cheek.
"Shut up," I said and he laughed.
"Just because you want to sleep with me doesn't mean you're going to sleep with me. You have a lot of willpower and so do I, Clare. Unless you say the words "I do" or "Eli Goldsworthy, I have changed my mind and no longer want to wait until I'm married and I would like to screw your brains out," we won't have sex. I know guys put pressure on girls and tell them they won't be able to stop, but that's bullshit. We can stop at any point; we just might not be super excited about it. But that shouldn't influence you at all."
I rested my head against his chest and his hand came up and cupped my cheek. "And as for being naked, I can understand why you'd be a little nervous, but Clare, you have to realize that you're gorgeous. I look at your smile and your eyes and all of your beautiful curves and I promise you there's no way that seeing you naked could be a disappointment to me. And please don't compare yourself to Julia because you're two completely different girls. Beautiful and intelligent and amazing girls, but really different, and I'm glad about that. And for the record, I never took a shower with her."
"Nope. Never had the chance – which is one of the reasons I'm really curious about experiencing that with you. But there's no timeline for anything. The only timeline is when you feel comfortable. It doesn't matter if that's tomorrow or six years from now. I meant it when I said there's no pressure. And you're not holding me back. We're in this together, right at the same pace."
"I'm definitely not ready yet," I said.
"I'm not expecting you to be," Eli said patiently.
I sat silently for a minute, curled up in his arms. I loved him and I trusted him. Why was I so afraid?
"How about this?" I said and he looked at me curiously. "You promise to give me as much time as I need, and I promise that once I'm ready, we'll take a shower together."
A grin spread across his face. "That sounds perfect."
"It'll be a long wait," I warned.
"You realize you just offered to make my dreams come true," he said, leaning down to kiss me. "I'll wait as long as you need."
(six months later)
When my phone rang, and I saw it was Clare, I smiled. "Hey babe, what's up?"
"Could you come over? I need to show you something." She sounded really out of breath.
"What's wrong?" I asked, panicking a little. Was Fitz there? He'd left us alone after all these months but ever since he showed up at her house unexpectedly, I'd always been a little nervous that he'd show up one day and hurt her.
"Nothing's wrong," she said. Her voice sounded a little too perky as if she were forcing herself to sound happy. "I just want to see you."
I didn't know what was going on, but I knew I wouldn't be able to put my mind at rest until I saw her. "I'm leaving now. I'll be over in a few minutes."
"Great," she said. "I'm kind…involved in something. So I left the door unlocked. You can just come up."
"Yeah, cause your Dad is going to love it when I just start barging into your house."
"He's out," she said breezily. "Just come over." She hung up the phone and I stared at it.
What was going on?
Something definitely wasn't right with Clare and as I drove over to her house, I felt more and more nervous. The driveway was empty but I pulled up in front of her neighbor's house, not sure when her father would be getting home. The door opened easily and I called her name as I walked in, bounding up the stairs two at a time.
She didn't respond and by the time I got upstairs, I was really freaked out, especially when I scanned her room and saw it was empty.
Then I heard the shower and let out a sigh of relief. I was the crazy one. Clare just wanted to see me and I ran over here so fast that I didn't even give her a chance to get ready. I saw the door to her connected bathroom was open and I went over to it, making sure to make some noise so I didn't startle her.
"Hey Clare, I'm here. Everything okay?"
"Everything's great, Eli."
"I'll be in your room while you finish up." I pulled the door shut behind me to give her some privacy.
Through the door, I could hear the sound of Clare's laughter. "Eli!" she said, and I cracked the door a bit to see what she wanted.
"Could you come in here for a second?"
Her voice was light and innocent and all of a sudden, it hit me that Clare was less than ten feet away from me, totally naked. I shuffled into the bathroom, keeping my eyes averted from the shower curtain. "Do you need me to get you something?"
She stuck her head out of the shower and I couldn't help but stare at the wet, pink skin of her shoulder, skin that I hadn't had the privilege of seeing before this moment. "Do you want to join me?" she asked, her nervous expression betraying her confident question.
"Clare, are you sure?"
She bit her lip nervously. "I told you that when I was ready we would take a shower together, and…well…I'm ready." I knew I must look like my eyes were bugging out of my head. I remembered that conversation well, but after nine months of dating and being stuck at second base, I thought this day would never come. "Unless you don't want to…?" she said softly when I didn't respond.
"Oh, I want to," I said and her face brightened at the tone of lust in my voice. I reached for the bottom of my t-shirt. "Let me just…"
She went back into the shower and I was glad she didn't watch me strip because I was starting to feel more nervous that she was. I removed my shirt and then shoes, socks and jeans, hesitating when I reached my boxer shorts.
"Should I leave my boxers on?"
Clare giggled nervously. "Do you usually shower with them on?"
No. But this was clearly a different situation. "Are you really naked in there?"
"Why don't you come in here and find out?"
If Clare could set her nerves aside and invite me into the shower, I needed to stop being a wuss and go for this. I stripped off my boxers and slipped behind the curtain.
Clare was facing away from me, leaning into the shower's spray and I got a great view of her magnificent body. The curve of her tiny waist, leading into her full hips and perfectly round ass. Her short and curvy legs and the graceful movement of her arms as she reached up and ran her fingers through her hair. I wanted to do nothing more than to turn her around and see those beautiful breasts I had become so familiar with by touch if not by sight.
But I wanted to take this slow and not scare her. So I took a step closer to her and placed my hands on the side of her waist, making sure to keep my distance and not press myself against her before she was ready. I leaned down to kiss her shoulder and then the back of her neck. I waited for a sign that she wanted to get closer but I didn't get one.
I spotted a bottle of liquid soap and reached for it. Clare sighed as my hands left her body, and I knew I was on the right track. "Do you want me to wash your back?" I asked gently. Without waiting for a response, I lathered up my hands and moved them across her shoulder, massaging the tension out of her neck. Her skin was smooth and the soap was silky and she murmured as my hands travelled her body, even daring to move from her hip to her ass.
The noises she was making encouraged me and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her closer and pressing my body against hers. My cock pressed against her silky skin and my body felt like it was on fire despite the chill from not really being under the water all the way. I gave her a moment to protest and then brought my hands up and cupped her. I had touched Clare under her shirt many times, but it had never felt as amazing as it did with the water pounding onto her.
She was clearly enjoying herself if her moans were any indication, and I was shocked when she moved back against me with a little more pressure. I wanted to kiss her more than anything, so I took a step back and ran my hands over her still soapy back. "You should probably rinse this off," I said softly, and to my delight, Clare turned around and I got to see her naked for the first time.
Out of respect for her, my eyes immediately went to her face despite my desire to ogle her naked form, but to my amusement, her wide eyes were looking straight down at my cock. I knew she didn't have much to compare it to and I knew penises weren't exactly the nicest things in the world to look at, but I hoped she liked what she saw. While she was distracted, I skimmed the rest of her body with my eyes, wishing I could follow my gaze with my fingers, wanting to touch every bit of bare skin.
Clare's face had turned purple and I wanted to make her feel comfortable again, so I took just one step closer and rubbed my hand on her back, leaving a few inches of space between us, as I washed the remaining soap off her. The movement left us in close proximity and to my surprise, Clare stood on her tiptoes and pressed a long kiss into my neck. Her action brought our bare chests together and I completed the embrace by pulling her hips into mine.
Her eyes widened but then she grinned. "I can't believe how good this feels," she said, and her vote of confidence helped me let my instincts take over. I kissed her, a desperate, passionate kiss, the likes of which I had never experienced before with Clare, and probably not since the last time I made love to Julia.
I turned her sideways so that we were both in the shower spray, our tongues tangling as our bodies fused together, as close as we could be without me being inside her. I tried to keep my hands respectful, but it wasn't long before I had one hand on her ass and the other on her right tit, as my tongue followed the path of the water down her neck and her chest, down to her nipple.
I was so overwhelmed I pulled her into a hug and rested my cheek on the top of her head to give myself a moment to breath. "You're so beautiful," I whispered. "And you're so sexy. And this is the most amazing thing that I've ever done in my life."
"Me too," she said with a mischievous look in her eye. She reached for the bottle of soap and I grinned as her hands moved over my chest. I was still half in the shower spray so half of it washed away immediately but I enjoyed watching the expression on Clare's face as her soft hands smoothed over my skin. She cleaned off my chest and started to work on my stomach when her hand started to follow the trail of hair that led down and I realized what she was about to do.
It took all of the willpower I had to grab her wrist before she wrapped her hand around my cock. She looked at me in shock. "Not with soap," I choked out. She looked confused. "It dries the skin out. Not pleasant."
She put her hands under the showerhead to wash the soap off and I was so delighted that my innocent girlfriend wanted to touch me that I just wanted to do something to her in return. I really wanted to fuck her but that was certainly not on the agenda today, so I came up with the next best thing.
"Do you trust me?" I asked, and she nodded, her eyes wild and curious. I moved her until she was facing the wall away from the showerhead, less than a meter from the wall. I put my hands on her hips and moved my mouth next to her ear. "Bend over and put your hands on the wall," I whispered gruffly, and I could feel her start to shake a little.
"Eli, we can't…" she reminded me.
"Just trust me," I whispered.
She did as I asked, and the sight of her bent over and ready for me almost made me come on the spot. I managed to control myself and I slipped one hand over her hip and slid two fingers into her from behind. It was the first time she had ever let me touch her down there, and she let out a moan like I had never heard from her before.
"Do you like that?" I asked and she whimpered in response. "If it feels this good with my fingers, imagine what it will be like one day when it's my cock inside you."
"Oh, God, Eli," she moaned and her arms buckled. I wrapped my arm around her to steady her and removed my fingers from her so I could rub her clit. We were out of the shower enough that she was wet only with her body's natural lubrication and she shook against me as I stroked her. Her legs were getting wobbly and I wished there was a good way to let her sit down, and I was thinking about attempting to hold her up against the wall so I could go down on her, when my fingers hit just the right spot and Clare came with a loud shriek.
I wished I could have seen the look on her face, but I figured I'd have loads of opportunities in the future. She sank down into the tub and I curled up behind her.
I kissed her shoulder and she turned her neck to look at me. "Do you want to get out of the tub?" I asked, but she shook her head.
"I want to touch you," she said, and her simple words just about killed me.
She turned so she was facing me, and I moved to give her more room which put me directly in the shower spray. She reached out to touch me once more, but I stopped her again. "Wait…with the water…it needs…"
She watched with wide eyes as I squirted a small circle of conditioner on my hand and rubbed it over my penis. "You know an awful lot about this," she remarked, and I laughed.
"I've had a lot of practice."
I took her hand and placed it around me and she started stroking me ever so gently. I leaned into her body as the pleasure built, my cock pleased to be touched by a softer, gentler hand. I couldn't believe that Clare was doing this to me, that we were in her shower, that she had planned out this whole magical evening for the two of us.
"You can go a little faster," I said and she caught my eye as she watched my expression for clues to how she was doing. "Clare, you're so amazing."
It wasn't long before I released with a low moan, coating her hand. She smiled and stood to wash her hand off, but I couldn't move. She looked down at me in amusement and I pulled on her hand until she climbed into my lap, straddling my waist.
We held each other for a while, and it wasn't until we seemed to use up all of the hot water that either of us made a movement to get out of the tub. "I'm getting all pruny," Clare complained, looking at her fingers, and she reached over to shut off the water.
I wrapped her in a towel before doing the same to myself, and I stared at our reflection through the slightly foggy mirror. Clare's curls were starting to reform and my hair was sticking up every which way. She looked nervous in a way she hadn't all through what we had just done and I hoped that she wasn't regretting what happened between us. I wrapped my arms around her and brought her closer to me.
"I could get used to this," I said softly, looking directly into her eyes.
"Me too," she smiled at me and my heart warmed at the sight. "Sooo…" she said slowly. "Was this as good as it was in your dream?"
"No," I said and her face fell. "It was a million times better."
She captured my lips with hers and took my breath away. My hands moved from her waist to the bare skin of her shoulders and as things got more intense, I tugged on her towel until it fell off her. Her breasts rose and fell with her heaving breaths and I couldn't take my eyes off them. "Could we maybe try this again but in your bed this time?" I asked tentatively, afraid I was taking this too far, that I had asked too much of her for today.
She ran out of the bathroom and I wasn't sure what that meant until I saw her jump onto the bed, quirk a smile at me, and ask, "You coming?"
I dropped my towel and took off after her as fast as I could.