DINOZZO'S GUIDE TO...

NCIS Squad Room. Very Late One Evening.

"You want more sex?" The sound of Ziva's voice rising in pitch as she asks the question causes McGee to pause in the shadows instead of stepping out into the bullpen. He'd been down in Autopsy finishing off some back-ups he'd not the time to do during the day. Heading back to the squad room to collect his stuff he hadn't expected the others to still be there. He didn't think this was a conversation he should just walk in on.

"You want a more sex?" She repeats the question at a slightly lower volume.
"It's not a question of wanting it Ziva. More of need."
"You have no idea what's really wrong do you DiNozzo?"
"What? Tell me how you would fix the problem then Officer David."
"I think the answer is clear enough. What's needed is more action."
"So, you do agree with me. More action. More passion. More desire. More heat." He grins at her.
"No! I mean action in the sense of taking action. Spending time together. Doing things and..." she continues ignoring him.
"Things?" He questions with a suggestive grin.
"Not those things Tony." She gives him that don't-make-me-break-out-the-paperclips glare that she has perfected over the years they've worked together.
A little disappointed that this conversation isn't going in the direction he had hoped McGee walks out to the squad room where Ziva is standing next to Tony at his desk. "What are you guys talking about?"
"Nothing."
"Actually we were talking about you McGee."
"You were?" Try as he might he can't quite get a connection between what he'd overheard and himself.
"Yeah, McWriter we were. We were discussing what is wrong with you." DiNozzo grins at his increasingly confused colleague.
"Huh?"
"Actually we were just browsing some fanfiction written by fans of your books."
"Ah."
"You really do bring out the weirdos Mr Gemcity. Some of them don't even know how to use spell check. You know that little button every word processing programme has."
"I mean just look at this." Ziva gestures to Tony's monitor and the guys lean in and begin to read what is on the screen. "She was a hard woman to loose... Are they trying to say she was a loose woman? That she slept around?"
The guys stare at her in amazement. "What? Did I get that wrong?"
"No, you're right. It is a loose woman. The author must've meant she was a hard woman to lose. To let go."
"Ah. The pain of lost love. Who has not known such pain." DiNozzo gives a dramatic sigh.
"And this does not make sense. A bear shoulder? What is that? Is the author trying to say the person has a bear tattoo on her shoulder? I do not understand."
"No, Zee-vah..." Tony replies stretching out her name in the way he knows annoys her. Sometimes he just can't help himself. "I think the author meant to write bare."
"That is what I said." Ziva glares at him.
"Not bear b-e-a-r the animal but bare b-a-r-e meaning unclothed, uncovered, unadorned or if you prefer naked." He grins suggestively at her.
"Trust you to know that DiNozzo."
McGee decides it's time to interrupt. "I still don't get what you were doing?"
"I'm putting together a guide."
"A guide?"
"Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo's Guide To Writing Good Fanfiction."
"We've had several good ideas already."
"Like adding more sex and more action."
"How did you know that?"
"Just a wild guess. What else did you come up with?"
"Make the summary interesting. Good characterisation. Original plotting. Always finishing stories you start. Correct use of apostrophes. No long authors notes. Consistency."
"Consistency?"
"Yep. For example if in chapter one a character makes a short speech about a computer game, let's call it Pong, then later on when the game is mentioned they should know what it is and not look puzzled."
"That makes sense. Anything else?"
"Well..."
"Hey guys look at this." They lean in again and read for a few moments before simultaneously letting out a satisfied sigh.
"That was perfect."
"I have to go to a meeting with the Director at two o'clock complained Agent Tommy. He wants you there too McGregor. Now that's someone who knows how to write." The guys go back to their desks and begin to gather their things.
"I guess there's hope for your weirdo fans yet."
"They're not...oh never mind. Good night."
"Good night."
As they head to the elevator they are unaware that down in the lab Jimmy is staring at his computer screen and murmuring "complained Agent Tommy...whined Agent Tommy? Yeah that sounds more like DiNozzo." He chuckles and resumes typing.

*Companion piece to Ode To The Summary.*